The Party Ship
by JHeman
Summary: Gene and the gang, in search of new fun times and adventure, rename the Outlaw Star and begin a brand new saga. Rated for various adult situations and overwhelming stupidity. The last chapter is finally, finally up! .[COMPLETE].
1. The Party Begins

Alrighty, here's a little tale about the crew of the Outlaw star going on a new, fun-filled quest. It's pretty funny, I think. I do not own Outlaw Star, Gene, Jim, Melfina, Aisha, or Suzuka. Or anyone else in this story. Except for the fat guy. He's mine. PLEASE R&R!  
  
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It's the average day at Starwind & Hawking Enterprises and Gene and Jim are hanging out and waiting for something to happen. Nothing too out of the ordinary is going on-HOLY FREAKING MOTHER OF GOD NO! IT'S LORD HAZANKO! HERE TO FINISH OFF OUR HEROES! OH SWEET JESUS WHY!?! READY THE CANNONS AND MAKE AMENDS OUTLAW STAR PEOPLE, THE KEI PIRATES ARE HERE TO FINISH YOU OF-Oh wait, that's just a bird.  
  
...  
  
It was far away okay?! Jeez! Anyways, all is cool unless Hazanko is sending in robot birds to assassinate everybody.  
  
"Wow, I'm amazingly bored!" said Gene, lounging in a deck chair, even though he was inside and all the curtains were drawn.  
"I've got it!" said Jim, momentarily pausing from sweeping up some trash from an intense party the night before (Despite what you may think, Suzuka's a real party animal!), "Let's hop in the Outlaw Star and zoom around the galaxy! We'll see the universe and live free amongst the stars, having slapstick adventures tinged with comedy and romance! And we'll paint the Outlaw Star multicolored and rename it 'The Party Ship'! Whaddaya say?"  
Gene sat up in his chair and looked at Jim, "That is the coolest idea EVER! I'll call the rest of the crew!" Gene jumped up and ran over to the phone, tripping over various objects. "No wait..." he stopped, "Multicolor paint is too expensive. Forget it."  
"Oh yeah." said Jim, disappointed. There was a dull silence in the room for a while. Gene casually sat back down in his deck chair, and Jim began sweeping again. When suddenly... "I'VE GOT IT!" yelled Jim so loud that Gene fell out of his chair. Which kinda sucks considering his chair was right next to a long flight of stairs with a variety of breakable vases at the bottom. "We'll do all that stuff I said, but we'll make the ship GREEN!"  
Gene stood up, pulling shards of broken glass out of his chest and face. "Brilliant! No THAT'S an idea I could go for!" Gene once again ran over to the phone, tripping over tons of clothes-staining foods and sharp objects until he reached the phone, calling the rest of the Outlaw star's crew.  
"What's all the yelling about?" Came a gentle woman's voice from behind Jim.  
Jim turned around. "Dammit Gilliam, stop pretending to be a girl. It's creepy."  
"I don't see anything creepy about it," said Gilliam, back in it's usual monotone, "I'm merely in touch with my feminine side."  
"Whatever Gilliam," Gene shouted from the phone, "Where's Melfina?"  
"I'm right here." Gene then turned around to see....LORD HAZANKO! ON HELIUM! Heh, did I scare you? No seriously, it's just Melfina, "So what's all the commmotion?"  
"I'll explain when everybody else gets here," said Gene, scrathing his arm.  
"We're already here," said Suzuka from behind him.  
"So what's the big deal?" asked Aisha. So Gene explained to them everything that Jim said before because I'm too lazy to type it all again.  
"Woooo! That sounds great!" yelled Suzuka, "I'll head out to the store and pick up some grog!" She composed herself, "Ahem, I mean: This journey sounds difficult. Shall I head out to buy some beverages for our long hard journey?"  
"Sure," said Gene, "Pick up some grog!"  
"Woohoo!" yelled Suzuka, running out the door, "Meet you back here at sunset, 'kay?" Everyone watched her head out.  
"Aisha, when are you going to hide your Ritalin someplace that Suzuka can't find it?" asked Jim, tossing out an old comic book covered with a sticky substance he couldn't quite identify.  
"I dunno. She always finds it, no matter what I do," Aisha looked up at Gene, "So what's my extremely cool part of this mission?"  
"You hang around here until Suzuka gets back with the grog. That's really all we're gonna need," yawned Gene.  
"Shouldn't we patch up all the holes in the hull?" wondered Jim, looking up from his work.  
"Nah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or rather, when it's threatening our lives with asphyxiation," answered Gene, pulling a shard of glass out of his face which he didn't notice before, "You guys just leave everything to me!"  
Just then, Suzuka returned with armloads of grog. "Welp, here we go. I got a 48-pack for each of us. That oughta work, right?" she asked, setting her load down.  
"My calculations tell me that 5 48-packs of booze will not be enough to sustain you all on a journey of this stature," said Gilliam, "And I must say that's a very charming dress Melfina. It really matches your eyes. Perhaps with a little rouge we could-"  
But before he could finish Gene punched him. "Just because you ARE pink doesn't mean you have to ACT pink!"  
"It doesn't?" wondered Gilliam.  
"No. It doesn't."  
"Oh."  
"And besides," said Aisha, "It only needs to last us until we can get to a new planet! Then we can buy more food as we need it!"  
"Wow, we're efficient!" said Gene, proud that he helped think of something, "So Gilliam, are we ready for launch?"  
"Not really," said Gilliam, it's light flashing 'YOU'RE A HOMO' in morse code, "There's still a few minor repairs that need to be done. You know, the engines...big gaping holes in the hull...You may want to see the city before we leave. I have a feeling that we won't be returning here for quite some time. I'll fix the ship up while you're gone."  
"He's right," said Melfina, "Should we go for a final lobster dinner at that Red Lobster down the street?"  
"Let's get a final beer at Clyde's Bar!" laughed Gene happily.  
"Oh, and you won't get a chance to make sweet love to Fred for a while," said Aisha, who was obviously a big fan of yaoi, "You might want to stop there before you leave, Gene." On second thought, maybe she was just saying it to piss him off. Who knows.  
"Rarr!" yelled Gene, who was very pissed off, "Don't joke about things like that!"  
"Who's joking?" wondered Aisha.  
  
15 minutes later....  
  
"Oh no! We're lost!" sobbed Gene hysterically, "We're doomed!"  
"How can we be lost?" asked Jim skeptically, "We've lived here on this block for like 12 years. Plus, we're maybe 3 houses away from our HQ..."  
"Pull yourself together Gene!" shouted Suzuka bravely, pulling Gene up to his feet, "It's only a few more blocks to Fred Luo's place! We can stop there to ask for directons!"  
"I'll go on ahead!" yelled Aisha, "You guys take care of Gene! I think it's frostbite!"  
"Can you guys stop yelling?" asked Melfina, "All the normal people are staring at us..." It was true. All the innocent civilians were coming out of their houses to see why the hell some guy, a little kid, a robot chick, a sword lady, and a cat girl were screaming at the top of their lungs.  
"No! Return to your homes!" yelled Gene, "You're only putting yourselves in danger!"  
"Argh! My toes are frozen!" yelled Aisha, collapsing to the ground in pain, "I can't feel my legs! ARGH!"  
"No! Aisha!" Suzuka the fell to her knees and embraced Aisha, singing lullaby songs to her, "Hush little baby don't you cry, mommy's gonna sing you a lullaby..."  
Aisha immediately fell asleep because Suzuka was very good at singing. "NOOOOOOOO!" yelled Suzuka, "She's, she's....DEAD!" Suzuka then burst into tears.  
"I need a trumpet over here, STAT!" yelled Gene at the top of his lungs. Some fat guy came out of his house and gave him his trumpet. Gene proceeded to play that one military funeral song on the trumpet. It sounded terrible because he had never used one before and he was blowing into the wrong end.  
"Will you guys all just shut the hell up?!" yelled Jim incredulously. Gene's head almost exploded because he didn't know what incredulously meant. Then a police officer walked up to them.  
"I've gotten about 57 reports of you guys running around yelling at the top of your lungs. And that's just for today. You guys are coming with me." said the cop, writing something down in his notepad.  
"Please officer..." croaked Aisha, grabbing onto his leg, "I'm frozen from the waist down...I need medical *cough cough* attention."  
"No you don't," said the cop, "It's about 90 degrees outside."  
"....I have sensitive skin?" tried Aisha, still collapsed on the ground.  
"That isn't gonna work on me again! Now all of you, come with me!" said the cop, proud of his authority.  
"HOLY SHIT! TRICERATOPS AMBUSH!" yelled Gene at the top of his lungs. The officer looked over his shoulder. There were no triceratops in sight.  
"Nice try, you troublemakers!" said the cop, turning back around, but Gene and the rest were already running away. They ran back to their base.  
"Alright Gilliam, we're blasting off!" yelled Gene, climbing into the pilot's seat.  
"But I"m not finished repainting the ship yet!" protested Gilliam. The ship was currently half red and half green.  
"I don't care!" yelled Gene, "Start the startup sequence!"  
"But red and green are such clashing colors..."  
"FOR GOD'S SAKES JUST START THE FREAKING SHIP YOU DAMN ROBOT!"  
"Fine, fine," muttered Gilliam.  
"Is everyone on board?" asked Gene.  
"Yeah!" yelled Jim.  
"Yep!" yelled Suzuka.  
"All systems green!" yelled Melfina. It was weird hearing Melfina yell so everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at her for a little while. Then they blasted off.  
  
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So there you have it. Not too shabby, right? Please please please R&R. The more reviews I get, the more I get the feeling that people care if I update. And that means a bigger chance that I actually WILL update. So, it's a win/win scenario. Although, I'd probably update this story anyway since I have some great ideas for it. But your feedback is valuable anyway. 


	2. I'm Hungry

Well, a grand total of one person actually cares if I update this story. And by golly, I'm not gonna let him down! This one's for you, MeiDarkreign!  
Well, you know the drill. I don't own Outlaw Star, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the NOW line of crappy CDs, or a triceratops. I wish I did though, because that would kick major ass. If you are not younger than 18, or it is illegal to view adult material in your area, then you're A-OK because this story is 100% kid friendly. Except for a couple things, but you kids don't care. Just get off my lawn.  
  
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Well, it was a beautiful, sunshiny day deep in outer space. And our heroes, the Party Ship's crew, couldn't be happier. Well, actually I guess they could. I mean, when you consider the fact that they haven't had any food or water in days, you can naturally assume that they'd be fairly grouchy. But overall, they were in an upbeat and positive mood. Or not. You get the idea.  
  
"Wow, how'd we get into this stupid predicament?" growled Jim, pacing back and forth before the crew.  
"Hey, you were supposed to be our special planning-and-managing person. You should have planned things better." argued Aisha, clipping her nails, which had grown to be very long and freaky looking.  
"No," replied Jim, "I planned this out perfectly. It's just that Suzuka was supposed to be our food-and-supplies person, and all she packed for us was 5 48 packs of booze. Plus, she single handedly drank it all anyway as soon as we cleared the atmosphere. To 'celebrate'."  
"I was GONNA buy us some Cheez-its, but noooooo. You were all: 'We're on a budget. Just the booze will do. Oh, and the police are chasing us. We don't really have enough time to pick up last-minute provisions.' I thought that was pretty stupid, but I listened to you anyway. And NOW look where it's gotten us!" shouted Suzuka.  
"Oh," said Gilliam, entering the conversation, "And we are completely out of fuel since Gene didn't correctly fasten the cap on the gas tanks before we blasted off."  
"Oh come ON now! 'Counter-clockwise'? That could have meant anything!" defended Gene.  
"It doesn't matter how we got into this mess," Melfina pointed out, "It matters how we get out of it."  
"Very true," smirked Aisha, "I suggest we call Fred!"  
"Jesus, is that your answer to everything?" asked Gene, "Just because you're a huge yaoi fan doesn't mean you have to call Fred over every little problem I have, in the desperate hope that we could...you know. It's not gonna happen."  
"Oh come on," said Aisha, "Don't tell me the temptation isn't there."  
"There is no temptation. There never will be." said Gene, doing his best to ignore Aisha. And failing at it.  
"Yeah right, like there isn't a little voice in the back of your head that asks you: 'Should I? Shouldn't I?'" teased Aisha.  
"Will you just know it off!?" shouted Gene, starting to lose his temper, "At least me and Jim don't make jokes about a possible blossoming relationship between you and Suzuka!"  
"Hey! Just what the hell are you implying?!" yelled Suzuka.  
"Gene, you're wrong," Jim chimed in, "We tell jokes about Aisha and Suzuka all the time. Those are the only jokes we know."  
"Oh yeah." said Gene, then, "HAHA LOOKIT THE LESB-" about then Aisha started repeatedly kicking Gene in the face.  
Just then, Melfina stopped the fighting by telling everyone: "I've established a connection to Fred. Now opening channel." Everyone stopped fighting and trying to eat each other just as Fred appeared on the screen. Some annoying piano music immediately began playing.  
"Hello, did you guys need something? Oh, hello Gene! My, you're looking lovely today! And hello to the rest of you!" laughed Fred in his usual happy mood.  
"Hello Fred," said Gilliam, "You're looking well. I must say that that color absolutley doesn't suit you at all. Perhaps adding some burgundy or light green to your wardrobe?"  
"Ah yes, brilliant!" laughed Fred, "We're like 2/5ths of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team!" Everyone just kind of stared at him.  
"Yeah, okay." said Gene uneasily, "We were wond...GODAMMIT I CAN'T CONCENTRATE! Just what the hell is that annoying crappy honky tonk music that always plays whenever we see you?!"  
"Huh?" asked Fred, "Oh this? This is NOW 3967, the latest NOW album."  
"Doesn't NOW only have stupid mainstream stuff like Backstreet Boys?" wondered Aisha.  
Fred sighed. "Backstreet Boys just isn't lame and stupid anymore."  
"Yeah it is." replied Gene.  
"Not lame and stupid enough for NOW. Anyways, I'm assuming this is a business call?" Fred asked, rubbing his ear for no apparent reason.  
"Um yes." said Gene, "We're kinda trapped in space with no food, liquid, or anything else that could possibly keep us alive for another five hours. Can you give us some gas so we can actually head to a planet of some kind before we die horribly?"  
"Now Gene, you know better than anyone that I"m not the kind of guy to give out favors." said Fred, momentarily losing his happy tone, "How do I know you're going to pay me back?"  
"I'll pay you when I make it big!" laughed Gene heartily.  
"Well, that's enough for me! You'll have your gas in about 15 minutes!" said Fred, "Bye now." He winked and closed the channel.  
"Wow, I wonder how much more I can use that lame excuse until people finally realize that I have no intention of ever paying them back?" wondered Gene.  
"Excuse me," said Gilliam, "there are 4 large unidentified ships closing in on us."  
"Pirates?!" yelled Gene with hatred in his heart and turmoil in his soul. Wait no...that's just his stomach growling. You get the idea though.  
"No, it looks like the cops." said Suzuka, "I think they're still pretty pissed at us." It was truly a brilliant observation. Especially considering the cops were shooting at them and blaring over their radios that they were going to lock them up for 590 years. You now se how Suzuka became the most feared assassin in the galaxy. Through brilliant, life changing observations like this.  
"Teehee," giggled Gene, "There's two asses in 'assassin'!" The cops then busted into the ship.  
"Put your hands over your head!" yelled a cop as he put handcuffs on them.  
"We can't." said Melfina calmly, "You just hancuffed our hands together."  
"Whatever." said the cop, "Now march, ya little hoodlums!"  
"OH MY GOD!" yelled Gene, "TRICERATOPS AMBUSH!"  
The cop loked over his shoulder. "There aren't any triceratops here. Plus, you're hancuffed to me, so it's not like you could've escaped anyway. Nice try though."  
"Damn! I really thought that would work!" muttered Gene. Then the cops led them all into their police ship and flew away.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
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So how was it? I personally like this one more than the last chapter, but then again I'm insane. Anyways, please R&R! Please please please R&R. My best friend is Santa. Really. I'll put in a good word for you with the big guy if you R&R. It's guaranteed happiness for you. Unless you hate the joy of opening kickass presents on Christmas Day. Think about it. 


	3. Jailhouse Rock

Well hey there again. I spy another chapter off the port bow. It is a whimsical and exciting romp through the realms of fantasy and mystique. Really. Anyways, I do not own Outlaw Star, or the Yankee Stadium. I'm kind of glad I don't own the Yankee Stadium. Oh, were you wanting me to say something funny here? Hmm.... JABBA THE HUTT WITH A MICKEY MOUSE HAT!  
  
...  
  
Tee hee, heh, *snort* Man, that's funny.  
  
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Life was a party deep in the gravity prison on Hekaton Keirez. Jim had been lying on the floor not moving for 11 days now, but everyone else was having a great time. They were all dressed in unattractive pale green prison garb, and were passing time in the highest ssecurity prison cell in the compound. These peace-disturbers need to be put in their place, I tell ya!  
"Well, this sure does suck." said Suzuka, reclining in a corner of their cell.  
"What a lame and stupid adventure this turned out to be." moaned Aisha, "We head out looking for fun, and instead we get 20 years in prison for disturbing the peace." Frustrated, she began hitting her head on the wall. That hurt a lot though, so she began hitting Gene's head on the wall.  
"There has to be some way out of here." said Melfina calmly.  
"There isn't." replied Gene after Aisha stopped being frustrated, "We've examined every possible means of escape. There is simply no way."  
"Couldn't Jim hack into the prison's door lcoking system?" wondered Melfina, "All these bars are electrical. If he managed to shut off the power we could escape!"  
"Oh yeah!" shouted Aisha, jumping up and down with joy. This really wasn't very smart because the gravity gave her a sprained ankle when she landed. "So can you, Jim?"  
Jim just sort of lay there staring at the ceiling, not moving.  
"Hey," said Gene to the rest of the crew, "Shouldn't one of us check his pulse? He's probably dead or something."  
Cautiously, Suzuka walked over and lowered her head to Jim's chest, listening for a heartbeat. "Yes, I can definitely hear some kind of bloodflow going on." she replied.  
"Are you sure that isn't the blood gushing out of your ear due to the high pressure?" wondered Melfina.  
Suzuka screamed covered her ear with her pillow, since Gene was really against her using his. "We totally have to get out of here!" she shouted.  
"Hang on!" yelled Gene, "I have a plan!" Everyone in the entire compound was so impressed that Gene thought of something that they stopped what they were doing and applauded him. Gene told his plan to the rest of the Party Ship crew and they all agreed it was very good. They immediately set about putting the plan into action.  
  
2 hours later...  
  
"Wow! That was the best game of Parcheesi ever!" laughed Gene. "That was pretty smart of you to sneak it in here, Suzuka!"  
"Wait, shouldn't we start doing this plan you were talking about 2 hours ago?" asked Melfina.  
"Plan?" wondered Gene, "What plan?"  
"You know," said Aisha, "Your big escape plan?"  
"Oh, that. Sure, if you guys are in such a big hurry..." he replied sadly.  
  
1 hour later...  
  
Aisha pressed the intercom button in their cell. "Hello? Is this room service?"  
A man's voice answered. "Sure is. What would you like? Our special lunch today is grilled cheese sandwiches with key lime pie."  
"Yes, we'll have 4 of the special lunches with some broiled shrimp on the si-"  
Suzuka punched her. "You're forgetting the plan!" she whispered.  
"Um, alright. Actually, cancel those orders." said Aisha, rubbing her cheek, "Our friend Jim is dead and we need you to come get him."  
"Buried or cremated?" asked the guy.  
"It was his dream to be ground up into hot dogs and sold for a ridiculous price at the Yankee Stadium." replied Aisha.  
The guy paused. "Uh, okay. We'll send some guys down to pick him up in about 5 minutes." The transmission cut off.  
"Alright!" shouted Gene, "Costumes on, everyone! We're gonna get outta here!"  
  
5 miutes later...  
  
Two guys showed up at the crew's cell.  
"Hey, there's no dead people here!" said the first guy indignantly.  
"No, but whoever's here needs to take out their trash." said the second. The two guys were looking at a completely empty room, except for a recycling bin with five giant toasters inside.  
"Well, I guess we better empty this out in the conviently-located-next-to-the-ships trash compactor." sighed the first guy, picking up the bin.  
"Our job sucks." muttered the second guy, "How much longer until we get promoted to cleaning up the cafteria?"  
Meanwhile, the toasters were very scared. They really didn't want to be compacted. The leader toaster, Gene, was regretting his brilliant plan. The thoughts that were running through the heads of these five brave little toasters were truly remarkable. Except Jim. He wasn't really thinking about anything at all.  
It was a long long walk to the ship docking bay. Especially since the two guys carrying them were new to the building and kept getting lost. When they finally arrived, the toasters could see the Party Ship through the slots cut in the top of their boxes. It was right there! They were almost saved! But it was too late....  
"Alright, I'll admit that plan totally sucked." said Gene.  
"Whoa! Dude! That toaster is talking!" yelled the first guy. He dropped his end of the bin, startled. The toaasters tumbled out all over the floor. The second guy was running to gather them all up and toss them into the trash compactor, but oh HO! Reinforcements!  
Suddenly the door of the Party Ship smashed open and out poured millions of little tiny Gilliam robots. The robots swarmed over the first guy and skeletonized him in under 30 seconds. They were like pirahnas except better. The second guy screamed and jumped into the garbage compactor since it was a more painless death than death by Gilliam-bots. The crew burst out of their toaster disguises and ran into the ship, with the army of Gilliams following.  
"Gilliam!" yelled Aisha happily, "You saved us!"  
"Yes, it was all in a days-AGH! OH MY GOD!" yelled Gilliam, freaking out.  
"What? What is it?" asked Melfina, looking around.  
"That nasty shade of green! Ugh!" said Gilliam disgustedly, "Well, it actually doesn't look too bad on Suzuka, but HONESTLY Gene! Fall colors! FALL COLORS!"  
"Just shut up and launch the ship, Gilliam." muttered Gene.  
"But Gene, what about Jim?" asked Gilliam. Jim was sitting slumped in his seat, still not moving.  
"He'll be fine. Now lets get going!" laughed Gene happily.  
"Well, alright." said Gilliam. The ship rumbled and rumbled. Then it stopped rumbling.  
"Uh...what?" wondered Aisha.  
"I completely forgot!" yelled Gene, slapping his forehead. "We're still out of gas! Gilliam, blow up this planet. The explosion will rocket us to Heiphon to talk with Fred."  
"That's the lamest idea ever Gene." said Gilliam.  
"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!?!?! NOW BLOW UP THIS PLANET!!!"  
"Um, okay. But seriously Gene, this is never gonna work." sighed Gilliam. He opened the door and sent his millions of Gilliam robots out onto the planet and self-destructed them. The planet exploded and sent the Party Ship spiraling into oblivion. It wasn't destroyed yet though. So at least that's good.  
  
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So there it is. Please oh please oh please R&R. I'm really sleepy so I can't think of anything else to tell you. Good night. 


	4. The Crappiest Valentine's Day Ever 1

Another week, another chapter. I don't own Outlaw Star, Ween, or Oingo Boingo. I do own their CDs though, and they kick ass. My next disclaimer is done in rhyme. Break out the pom-poms and sing along!  
  
Fred is here! Fred is gay! If you hate Fred then go away! YAY!  
  
There you go. Instead of making some long-winded speech about how Cartoon Network edited out the homosexual stuff about Fred and multiple witty inclusions of the word 'fabulous', I trimmed it down to about 14 syllables. Everyone try this, it works. Now beginning the chapter:  
  


* * *

  
It was a glorious, magnificent shiny day. Jesus, can't I begin any chapters with something other than that? Anyways, it was a swell day. Everyone was happily sitting around on the Party Ship and zooming through space.  
"Wait, weren't we randomly spinning out of control a while ago?" wondered Gene, "Why the hell are we sitting around happily and zooming through space?" Then I hit him with a fish and told him to stop pointing out such obvious plot holes.  
"Well," said Suzuka, "It was nice of that guy we met at that gas station to fill us up for free and give Gene gas-pumping lessons..."  
"You just put the thing in the tank and hold down the lever! Why couldn't I figure it out before?" laughed Gene.  
"...But that still doesn't solve our problems. Our navigator is still dead and we are still slowly starving to death." said Suzuka sadly, "We could have at least stayed in that prison long enough to get some food." Aisha entered the room, frowning at Jim, who was slumped over a control panel.  
"Ugh." she said, walking past him then sitting down in an easy chair, "What are we gonna do about Jim? He's starting to smell. Bad."  
"Duh," said Suzuka, "We get him to a nearby planet, then drop him off at a library somewhere in the heart of the reference section. By the time anyone finds him we'll be long gone."  
"I meant: Is there any way we could bring him back to life?" said Aisha, exasperated.  
Melfina interrupted. "Incoming transmission from Fred Luo."  
"Fred again?" muttered Gene, "What does he want now?"  
"Your hot body?" giggled Aisha.  
"THOSE JOKES AREN'T AND NEVER WILL BE FUNNY!!!" yelled Gene.  
"I think they're hilarious!" laughed Melfina.  
Gene sighed. "Open a channel." Fred's bright, flamboyant face immediately filled the screen.  
"Hey there you guys! How's it going?" smiled Fred. "Gene, you're looking lovely, as always."  
"Uh...thanks Fred." Gene said uneasily, "What is it, the new haircut? We had one crazy party yesterday and-"  
"No no," said Fred, shaking his head, "I think it's the mascara."  
"Oh. Well like I said, it was one crazy party..." Gene said, wiping the mascara off with his sleeve.  
"And you're looking quite handsome too, Jim!" laughed Fred. Jim was still dead and not talking. "Um...is everything alright with Jim? He appears to be dead."  
"He's just a sound sleeper." said Suzuka, "Now what do you want?"  
"Oh, nothing much. I just want you to get a TREASURE for me!" shouted Fred, the glint of adventure in his eye.  
"Great." moaned Gene, "No more treasure hunts for us, thank you very much."  
"Come on, it's a real great treasure! WE'RE TALKIN' 500 CRATES OF DRAGONITE HERE!!!!!" said Fred enthusiastically.  
This got Aisha's attention, who had apparently forgotten the near-death incident with the Galactic Leyline. "And what would be our share of this treasure?" she purred. Yes, she purred. Shut up, I'm sleepy.  
"You'll get 50% to split amongst yourselves." said Fred happily.  
"Done!" said Gene, slamming his hand down on the coffee table.  
"Since when do we have a coffee table on board the ship?" wondered Melfina.  
"The treasure is located inside the active volcano Mount Tawagawanga on the Hot Springs Planet, Tenrei." he giggled, "Well, bye Gene! Bye Jim! Happy treasure hunting!" Aisha hid behind Jim and waved his hands so it looked like he was waving goodbye. Fred disappeared from the screen.  
Aisha backed away from Jim immediately. "That was sick! He's like, all clammy and stuff!" She wiped her hands off on Jim's jacket.  
But Gene wasn't paying attention. This was partially due to Aisha's poorly-hidden ritalin, but it was mainly because he was thinking about his brand, shiny new dragonite he'd be getting.  
"TO PLANET TENREI! WARP SPEED TEN!" he yelled, launching the ship off to Planet Tenrei.  
  
MEANWHILE....  
  
It was a bright, happy, blisteringly beautiful day aboard the Geomancer. The Anten Seven were all busily running into walls, since that is what they always did when Hazanko wasn't around. Their reasons for running into walls were all very different however. Hitoriga (the sword guy with a sack on his head), Hamushi (the one sexy chick), and Jukei (the guy in a straightjacket) were all running into walls because their stupid headgear made it so they couldn't see. Tobeigera was running into walls because he was a stupid clown thing with no real skills except to be wacky. Running into walls was really really wacky. Hanmyo (the girl with the cats) was running into walls because she was young and impressionable and everyone else was doing it. Lady Iraga (the nasty bodybuilder chick) was running into walls since she painted a picture of Aisha on one of them and was trying to smash it. And Leilong (the other guy) was simply drunk. All were having a rip-roaring good time until Hazanko entered the room.  
"Hey guys, what's up?" he said cheerfully. He then noticed what everyone was doing. "Hey, stop it you guys! Jeez, you're gonna break my fine china!" Hazanko ran over to his most valuable china and protected it. He picked up Jukei and threw him at a charging Leilong, who was aiming towards a valuable ancient vase. Leilong stumbled and fell over. "Yes! There's two down!" yelled Hazanko, pumping his fist in the air. "Any other challengers?" he shouted defiantly.  
"DEATH TO BREAKABLE CHINAWARE!" trumpeted Hitoriga. This temporarily distracted Hazanko, allowing Iraga to run in and smash all the dishes.  
"Yay! We win!" yelled the Anten Seven, high fiving each other. Since Jukei couldn't move his arms, he bit everyone on the wrist.  
"Great. You guys always win!" moaned Hazanko, "7 against 1 isn't fair! I get the Macdougall Brothers on my team next time! But I'm forgetting why I'm here. Gene Starwind and the Outlaw Star will be on Planet Tenrei soon, and I'm sending you guys to kill him!"  
"What? But it's Valentine's Day!" protested Leilong.  
"Don't we even get a day off for Valentine's Day?" asked Tobeigera skeptically.  
"What do you care, Tobeigera?" asked Hazanko, "It's not like you have, or will ever get, a girlfriend." Tobeigera started crying.  
"I-I try to be funny..." he weeped, "But...this happy face hides a terrible, sorrowful existence! WAAAAAAHHH!"  
"I'd hate to burst your bubble, but it's not like you're even that funny." said Iraga, being mean.  
Tobeigera pulled a life raft out of a closet. He began blowing air into it. "You guys *huff* make so much fun of me! But *puff* you'll miss me when I'm *huff* gone!" he cried, breathing air into his raft. He got it about halfway full before he passed out from lack of oxygen. Then all the air escaped.  
"I freaking hate it when he does that." sighed Hamushi.  
"Every day he threatens to inflate his life raft and float away from us but he never suceeds. It's stupid." said Jukei, looking over Tobeigera's body.  
"We're getting off the topic." said Leilong, spoiling the fun and being a big dumb serious-head. "My point is: We should get Valentine's Day off!"  
Hazanko sighed. "Alright, we can have a big 108 Suns Valentine's Day Bash when we get back. I'll get Ween or somebody to come and play."  
"Can you reunite Oingo Boingo and get them to come too? We deserve the very best." said Hitoriga.  
"Well, oka- Wait! I shouldn't have to bargain with you guys! You're my underlings! Now you guys are going to Tenrei and you're gonna just LOVE IT!" yelled Hazanko, getting all scary and such.  
"Can we have our Bash on Tenrei?" asked Hanmyo.  
"Can we have a piñata?" asked Jukei.  
"WE CAN HAVE OUR BASH ON TENREI AND WE CAN HAVE A PINATA! Let's just get going!" yelled Hazanko, his patience going away.  
"Can we have strawberry cheesecake instead of triple chocolate?" asked Hitoriga, "I'm allergic to chocolate." Then Hazanko got pissed off and smote Hitoriga. No really, he totally smote him. But Hitoriga is an awesome Tao guy too, so he didn't die. He was just in a bunch of pain.  
"Can we rent a rodeo-" Leilong started, but then he noticed Hazanko was severly freaking out so he decided not to say what he was going to say.  
  
ON PLANET TENREI  
  
"Wow! It's Planet Tenrei again!" laughed Gene happily. Here's what was going on. Gene was in his swimming trunks, and walking around admiring the scenery. Melfina was nervous and shy, since Melfina is just naturally nervous and shy. It didn't help that she was wearing nothing but a towel. It was Gene's idea. Aisha was running into restaurants and eating stuff the customers were eating, saying that she was "cleaning the tables". Suzuka was trailing behind everyone else, since she was carrying the deceased Jim around on her shoulders. It was safe to say that she was the only one not having a good time.  
"Where the hell is this mountain so we can get this over with?" said Suzuka grumpily.  
"Hey, don't be so grumpy Suzuka!" said Gene brightly, "Look over there! Chicks!" He pointed to a small group of girls talking a few yards away.  
"Uh, and why would that interest me?" said Suzuka, narrowing her eyes at Gene.  
"Huh, you mean you don't swing that way? Wow, you had me totally fooled." Gene giggled.  
"WHY YOU LITTLE--! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, GENE!" Suzuka yelled, totally enraged. She unsheathed her sword, dropping Jim. He began rolling down a conveniently placed steep slope nearby. Suzuka looked over her shoulder to see Jim tumbling away down the hill.  
"...Oops." she and Gene began running down the hill after Jim. He was picking up speed however, and it was impossible to catch up to him. Yes, I realize how totally stupid this is. Like I said, I'm sleepy.  
"Hey you! Stop that corpse!" yelled Gene to random passerbys. Everyone just gave him really weird looks. A man dived out of the way as a speeding Jim plowed over his hot dog stand. Gene and Suzuka started to run by the wreckage, but then they stopped to pick up some slightly dirty hot dogs and eat them, since they hadn't eaten for like 2 months. Man, what a big stupid plot hole that is.  
  
AT GREASY ROBERT'S LOBSTER SHACK  
  
"I'm gleaning the khables!" Aisha said through a mouthful of lobster and various side dishes.  
"Isn't this illegal?" wondered Melfina nervously, watching Aisha eat another customer's order.  
"This place has huge servings. It's not like these people would have finished it anyway." Aisha replied, gobbling down a shrimp platter. "I'm cleaning the tables!"  
"That you are." said Melfina, rolling her eyes.  
  


* * *

  
Wow, that was a long chapter. Actually, it was pretty short. It was long by my standards. This episode was brought to you by the letter P, and the number 4. And with support from Viewers Like You. *cough cough* Although, said viewers could be a little less skimpy on their reviews... *CEO of PBS shoots him* 


	5. The Crappiest Valentine's Day Ever 2

Hey hey hey. I do not own Outlaw Star, Wayne's World, or Nova. I wish I did own Nova, because I'd make less stupid documentaries on glacier researchers and more stuff about those crazy fish that live deep under the ocean. When I was a little boy, I dived off a boat and into the ocean because I wanted to see those fishies. They looked really cool with their glow-in-the-dark antennas and such. I nearly drowned since I couldn't swim. It taught me an awful lot about how stuff on TV isn't nearly as cool when you nearly drown because of it. I have no idea why I just told you that. Anyways, on with the chapter.  
  
---------------  
  
It was a gorgeous, magnificent, outright fabulous day on Planet Tenrei. We're talking superfantabulistic. I mean two thumbs up! WAY UP! Anyways, Aisha and Melfina had just been kicked out of the 45th restaurant that day and were walking down the street.  
"How could they kick us out?" wondered Aisha angrily. "I was cleaning the tables! CLEANING THE TABLES! They didn't even have to pay me!"  
"You don't clean the tables until AFTER the people finish eating." said Melfina, exasperated. THe sound of a helicopter emanated from overhead. Aisha and Melfina looked up to see it. The helicopter was big, black, and had various guns and such all over it. It also had 'NOT ANTEN SEVEN' painted on the side. The helicopter landed about 50 yards away.  
"Who are they?" wondered Melfina.  
"Well, they obviously aren't the Anten Seven." said Aisha. "Let's go ask them what they want." The two of them walked over to the helicopter. When they arrived, two people stepped out. One was a tall woman with a sword and a sack on her head. She wore a bright blond wig over her sack. The other one was a short woman with a dumb looking mask and a strait-jacket. She also had a bright pink frilly skirt.  
"Hello there." said Mrs. Hitoriga, "We're with Nova."  
"We heard about your big treasure search in the volcano Mt. Tawagawanga." Mrs. Jukei chimed in, "We want to do a documentary on it for PBS." Melfina suspected an evil plot, but Aisha didn't since she was imagining how famous she would be.  
"What kind of payment are we talking about here for your little 'documentary'?" asked Aisha.  
"Why, the payment of seeing your face on the big screen! The fame of being seen by senior citizens all over the universe with nothing better to watch on TV!" said Mrs. Jukei happily.  
"Sounds good. Sign us up!" laughed Aisha.  
"Wait Aisha," said Melfina hesitantly, "Are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean, just look at these guys!"  
"We're just perfectly honest people." said Mrs. Hitoriga, shaking her head and making her wig fall off. She hastily bent over and put it back on, backwards. "Ahem, sorry about that."  
"Anyways," asked Mrs. Jukei, "Where's Gene Starwind? He's the leader of your expedition, isn't he?"  
"Say, where the hell is Gene?" asked Aisha, "And for that matter, where's Suzu? And Jim?"  
  
...  
  
Gene and Suzuka panted, catching their breath. They'd finally caught up with Jim, and were severely tired out. They had propped Jim up in a sitting position against a wall, so to the average passerby he'd look like he was just sleeping.  
"What are we gonna do about Jim?" asked Gene, "I don't wanna have to look at him once the rigor mortis sets in."  
"Look, lets just get rid of him now." said Suzuka, "You wait here. I'll put him in the trunk of somebody's car of something."  
"Sounds good." said Gene as Suzuka left. He sat down and waited for her to return.  
  
Suzuka was having a hard time finding a car to put Jim in. Since the whole planet was a theme park, there was only one giant parking lot for the whole thing. This meant there were no cars on the entire planet except that one place. She asked a guy selling sunglasses for directions.  
"Do you know where the huge parking lot is?" she asked the guy. The guy noticed her, and immediately yelled SCHWING! at the top of his lungs.  
"....Schwing? What the hell is schwing?" asked Suzuka, unsure of whether to be offended or not.  
"Uh, sorry. Never mind." said the guy, embarrassed. "Anyways, what did you say you wanted?"  
"The giant parking lot. Do you know where it is?" she asked, making a mental note to ask Gene what 'schwing' meant later.  
"Sure, it's about 50 miles east. Why, you gonna hide that dead guy you're carrying in somebody's trunk?" he laughed.  
"Um, no. Thanks for the info." she started walking away, but then went back to buy some sunglasses from the guy since the sun was super bright. Then she began her epic quest for the hidden giant parking lot.  
  
...  
  
"So, you guys really don't know where they are?" asked Mrs. Jukei sadly.  
"Sorry," said Melfina, "But we can't help you." The four of them were sitting around in a streetside cafe, eating ice cream and having a great time.  
"Um, excuse me, I have to go use the ladies room." said Mrs. Hitoriga.  
"Uh, yeah. Me too." said Mrs. Jukei. They both stood up and entered the ladies room. After making sure that the doors were locked, Mrs. Hitoriga and Mrs. Jukei cast off their disguises to reveal that they were....HITORIGA AND JUKEI! I bet you never saw that coming!  
"Ugh. Who thought up this stupid plan?" grumbled Jukei, struggling with his skirt.  
"Hazanko." said Hitoriga, checking in the mirror to see if his sack was straight. "I think he had help from that fruity Tobeigera guy."  
"Just out of curiosity, why do we have to dress up as girls? I mean, seriously." said Jukei, frustrated. "And why the hell do I have to wear the skirt?"  
"Dude, you WANTED to wear the skirt." argued Hitoriga. "But that doesn't matter. Our real problem is Gene. We have to find him!"  
"Can we go on some rides first? Can we can we can we?" asked Jukei, hopping up and down.  
"Are you kidding? That's all I was planning to do here! I just figured that we'd run into him right away..." said Hitoriga, biting his lip.  
"Wait, are you saying that the more time we spend finding Gene, the less time we get on the rides?" asked Jukei.  
"Pretty much, yeah." There was an eerie silence.  
"LET'S GET MOVING!" yelled Jukei, struggling to get his skirt back on.  
  
...  
  
"I...I've found it!" yelled Suzuka, jumping up and down. "The mystical forgotten giant parking lot! I've found it I've found it I've found it!" Suddenly Suzuka stopped hopping around and being happy. "Must...contain...perkiness! Stoic...is...beautiful!" she groaned, forcing her smile away. "There we go. All better." She then began testing all the trunks on the cars for one that was unlocked. Finding one, she put Jim inside it.  
"Hold it right there!" a voice behind her yelled. She whirled around to see Jukei and Hitoriga standing there with a giant gun pointed at her.  
"Hah! Do you really think I can be defeated by a simple firearm? This is Twilight Suzuka you're dealing with!" she laughed, very arrogantly.  
Jukei snarled. "Fool! This is no firearm! This is a-" but Hitoriga interupted.  
"Dude! Don't call Suzuka a fool! I'm in love with her or something!" said Hitoriga worriedly.  
"Whatever. Sorry." said Jukei, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, this is a-"  
"Did you just roll your eyes in Suzuka's presence!?!" said Hitoriga, shocked. "She is my girlfriend!"  
"No I'm not!" said Suzuka, repulsed.  
Jukei ignored her. "What the hell is wrong with you, Hitoriga? You've turned into a total wuss!"  
"I AM NOT A WUSS!"  
"Will you guys just shut up and continue revealing your plans to me so I can exploit them and eventually win?" sighed Suzuka.  
"Oh sure. Sorry." said Jukei, "Like I was saying, this is our patented OPPOSITE GUN! It shoots a pretty, colorful beam out of it that transforms the personality of the person it hits into an exact opposite."  
"Please, continue." said Suzuka, now very interested.  
"But of course. We plan to beam this ray all over the planet, so Gene will bring us the Outlaw Star and Melfina, instead of stupidly protecting them like he always does." said Jukei.  
Suzuka clapped. "Great plan. The part about Gene himself bringing them to you was especially sinister."  
Hitoriga was awestruck. "Suzuka....am I hearing you right? Did you just compliment me?"  
"What? No! I was complimenting your plan. Not you." Suzuka said, annoyed.  
"But I made the plan! So you're complimenting me!" yelled Hitoriga happily. "Suzuka loves me! Suzuka LOVES ME!"  
"No I don't! I friggin' hate you!" There was a stunned silence. If you listened closely you could hear the sounds of Hitoriga's brain snapping and his heart breaking. At the same time. "Jesus christ, you killed my whole family! Why on earth would I love you?! There isn't a person in the galaxy I hate more!"  
Jukei felt like interrupting. "Yeah, where the hell was your reasoning on that one, man?" But Hitoriga wasn't listening. He was really pissed off. Seriously. This guy was totally clueless.  
"OH YEAH!?!" he yelled, enraged. "WELL HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOU!!!!" he grabbed the Opposite Gun out of Jukei's hands and fired it at Suzuka. A pretty, bright red beam shot out and hit Suzuka, knocking her to the ground. She stood up, and she had a HUGE smile on her face. We're talking ^_^ here. With the eyes and everything.  
"Awwwwww...lookit da cute widdle Hitoriga!" she giggled running over to Hitoriga. "Huggles for Hitoriga! Huggles huggles huggles!" She immediately hugged Hitoriga tightly.  
"AAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAH! I'm being attacked!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"Awwwww, is Hitoriga saaaaaad?" she smiled, not letting go of him.  
"RUN! RUN!" yelled Jukei. "THE PERKINESS IS OUT OF CONTROL!" Somehow Hitoriga managed to pry her off himself and run away.  
"Awwwww! Come back Hitoriga! I'm lonely!" she stopped. "Whoo! It's hot out here!" She took off all her clothes and continued pursuing them.  
"Now look what you've done!" yelled Jukei, running/hopping. "You've made her twice as powerful! TWICE AS DEADLY!"  
Hitoriga tripped and fell, unknowingly switching the gun from 'Single-Fire Mode' to 'Planet Broadcast Mode'. "We've gotta switch her back!" yelled Hitoriga, "The universe isn't ready for a being of pure perky!" He aimed at Suzuka and fired. Suzuka fell backwards and stood up again.  
"....Just where the hell are my clothes?" she asked them.  
"Woo woo!" said Hitoriga, taking a picture.  
"Well, at least that's over. No more crazy personality switches to worry about." said Jukei, relieved.  
"Nope." said Hitoriga, "Man, what a relief."  
  
--------------  
  
Wow, what a fun little storyarc this is shaping up to be. As you can tell, due to that stupid Planet Broadcast Mode, our adventures with personality changes aren't quite over. And give me some reviews. For every review you give, a starving child in Africa is given a 70-bedroom mansion and a limo. Plus a complete Trigun box set, which costs like 11 billion dollars, last I checked. 


	6. The Crappiest Valentine's Day Ever 3

Howdy. This chapter is the big finale for my Crappiest Valentines Day Ever storyarc. It's a real doozie. Anyways, I do not own Outlaw Star, PlayStation, or Bruce Vilanch. And yes, I do realize that it isn't Valentine's Day anymore. I wrote this whole thing on Valentine's Day weekend, so that's why. Happy reading, and I hope your Valentine's Day was better than these guys's were.  
  
----------------  
  
"We've done it!" yelled Aisha, "We've found the treasure Fred wanted!" Her and Melfina were deep inside the volcano, looking over their newfound treasure happily.  
"Yay!" cheered Melfina, "Just look at all the dragonite!"  
"Haha!" laughed Aisha, "This is great! I'm gonna buy a car, some lobster, a PlayStation 97..." But just then, a strange feeling washed over the both of them. "...But what would be the point? Material posessions are worthless. Nothing but symbols of our degrading lifestyles and disastrous society. Plus, what good is money beyond the grave?"  
"Hey, don't be so sad Aisha!" yelled Melfina, "Let's go to the mall! OMGROFL THERE'S A SALE AT JC PENNY'S THAT I HAVE TO SEE!!!1!!"  
"The mall. Bah. Nothing but a pathetic breeding ground for the wastes of sperm and life that dare to call themselves living beings." said Aisha sadly.  
"HEY! WHY SO GRUMPY MRS. GRUMPY-FACE!?" yelled Melfina, "OMG YOU'LL NEVER BELIVE WHAT I HEARD FROM FRED! HE TOLD ME THAT SUZUKA AND JIM ARE GOING OOOOUUUUUTTTTT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!?"  
"Love is only an illusion. Love is fleeting, much like our own brief lives." Aisha said, grating her teeth.  
  
.....  
  
Gene looked at his watch. "Wow, any time now Suzuka." he grumbled. "How long does it take to find a decent body-dumping place?" Suddenly, a strange feeling overtook him. "Wait, who cares about Suzuka? I'm gonna go bring the Outlaw Star to the Anten Seven right now." He walked over to the place where he parked the ship.  
"Open the door Gilliam." he said.  
"Do it yourself, you red-haired freak!" Gilliam responded angrily.  
"Fine, whatever." Gene manually opened the door and stepped aboard the ship. What he saw next was almost undescribable. Blue and orange checkered wallpaper coated the inside of the ship. The tiled floor was covered with a thick, bright green shag carpet. The regular pilot seats were replaced with furry reclining chairs. Posters of Bruce Vilanch decorated the walls.  
"AGH! AAAAAAAAGH! IT'S HIDEOUS!" yelled Gene, appalled by what he saw.  
"Shut up. If you don't like my remodeling you can just f*ck off." said Gilliam.  
"What the hell? What have you become, Gilliam!?" Gene said, terrified.  
"Get a life, you loser. And take off your muddy shoes. Shag carpet's impossible to clean." Gilliam responded forcefully.  
"Alright, whatever. Just take the Outlaw Star to the Anten Seven immediately. It's very important." Gene said, slightly annoyed.  
"Forget that! Tell those Anten Whatevers that they can go screw themselves. I'm resting." Gilliam said.  
"Uh, okay." said Gene, completely submissive to Gilliam's orders. Unlike he usually is. Damn, I'm confusing myself.  
  
....  
  
"Wow! I'm alive!" yelled Jim happily, jumping out of the trunk of the car. "I wonder how that happened..." He looked around, and noticed he was in a giant parking lot. Night was falling. He also noticed Suzuka's robe lying on the ground. This meant she was naked somewhere. He giggled to himself, then began walking around trying to find out where he was....  
  
"Alright," said Suzuka, "You guys desperately need to take a cold shower or something." It was in the middle of the forest, and Suzuka was tied to a tree, still totally naked. Hitoriga and Jukei were sitting around a small campfire trying to figure their next move for the complete anniahlation of Gene Starwind. Or, Jukei was. Hitoriga was trying to think of a way to club Jukei over the head, and use Suzuka for his own purposes. The nasty pervert. However, Jukei was against it, since they needed Suzuka for a hostage.  
"Seriously. You guys have that dumb Hamushi floozy on your team. You don't need me." Suzuka said, annoyed.  
"Shut up," said Jukei, "Or I'll use the Opposite Gun on you again!" Suzuka closed her mouth in terror.  
"Dude, you can't tell my valentine to shut up!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"I AM NOT YOUR VALENTINE, YOU DELUSIONAL RETARD!" yelled Suzuka, "NOW LET ME GO!"  
"Who's yelling?" came a voice through the bushes. It was Jim! OMG OMG!  
"Holy god! You're alive, Jim!" laughed Suzuka, unbelieving.  
"I was listening to your conversation. I think it might have been that Opposite Gun you were talking about. Since the opposite of dead is alive....Anyways, it's time for me to lay some smackdown on your would-be assailants!" said Jim, being extremely corny. Everyone just stared at him. Then Jukei turned into a tornado or whatever and killed him.  
"Oh wow, way to go Jim." Suzuka said sarcastically. "That reminds me, didn't we kill all of you?" Hitoriga and Jukei stared at her.  
"W-what do you mean?" asked Jukei nervously. "We...we're alive."  
"I know, but I could have sworn that Aisha killed you back in the Galactic Leyline...And I know I killed you, Hitoriga." she said skeptically. Then I slapped her with a fish for pointing out plot holes. It is the ultimate punishment for the ultimate crime.  
"Wow. That was a close one! Thank you, Jheman!" said Hitoriga. Then I gave him a thumbs up and went about my business.  
  
......  
  
"OH MY GAWD! JUST LOOKIT THAT GUY'S HAIRCUT!" yelled Melfina, "THAT IS LIKE, SOOOOO 1995!"  
Melfina and Aisha were walking through town dragging their giant treasure chest. They briefly stopped at the mall for some new attire, since their old clothes didn't especially define them anymore. Aisha now sported the quite sexy goth look, and Melfina now had glittering jeans and an Abercrombie and Fitch babydoll shirt. Good god, Melfina has gone preppy. Someone has to stop these Anten madmen!  
"Melfina, will you stop polluting our culture with your venomous tongue? The universe is filthy and unrefined enough as it is." said Aisha calmly, "Here, you can carry your burden around for a while. I want no part of your ridiculous earthly desires." She handed the treasure she was carrying to Melfina.  
"Stop bein' such a saddy-face, Aisha!" Melfina said brightly, "It's Valentine's Day!"  
"Valentine's Day. Just another excuse for us to feed the economic system with our foolish attatchments to others." Aisha spat. "See you later, I'm gonna go hang out at a coffee shop and look cool."  
"But Aishaaaaa! Come back!" Melfina ran after her. But she was stopped by a hand, grabbing her arm. "Hey! Hands off the threads, you los-" she started, turning around. But surprise, it was Gene! With a blue flannel shirt, pink tinted glasses and bright green hair. "OMIGOD! What happened to you Gene?"  
"It was Gilliam's idea. I'm telling you, Master Gilliam has the best ideas. Where's Aisha and the rest?" he said.  
"Aisha just left for a coffee shop. I don't know where Jim and Suzuka are." Melfina said.  
"Well, it's Valentine's Day. A night for romance! Let's get a hotel room." Gene said. Obviously, the horny pervert part of him hadn't changed a bit.  
"Okay!" Melfina giggled.  
  
.....  
  
"Alright, I'm geting weirded out now." said Suzuka. She was still tied to a tree. Hitoriga and Jukei kept complaining about how bored they were, and she could only guess where their boredom might take them. She shuddered. However, currently they were very drunk since they found some booze in somebody's car and were entertaining themselves by firing their Opposite Gun at bugs and seeing what they did.  
"Hey, do that ant!" laughed Jukei.  
"Alright!" giggled Hitoriga. He fired it at the ant. The ant stopped what it was doing, then stood in front of a bunch of other ants and waved it's antennae a lot. Then all the other ants turned around and went back into the anthill. A few moments later, they reappeared carrying the corpse of their queen, and put it on a pile of pebbles they built and burned it. Then they started a cult and got some caterpillars for ritual sacrifices.  
"That was awesome! Now try that grasshopper!" snickered Jukei.  
Suzuka decided that that was the final straw. She dug her fingernails into the rope that tied her to the tree to see if she could break it. She could! Strand by strand, she was escaping.  
"Whoooooo!" yelled Hitoriga, "I'm gonna be sick!" He then threw up all over the ant cult.  
"Whoa, sick dude!" laughed Jukei, slapping Hitoriga on the back. He somehow did this while being contained in a strait-jacket.  
Suzuka finally tore through the last strand of rope. She was free! She snuck behind the two drunken idiots and grabbed the Opposite Gun from them.  
"Ha HA!" she laughed, switching it over to Planet Broadcast Mode. "Now I'll switch everyone bakc to normal and ruin your dumb plan!" She fired the gun. Jim immediately came back to life and started kicking Jukei in the face. Suzuka could only guess what was going on around the globe at that moment...  
  
....  
  
"Did we just..." Gene started.  
"We didn't! There's no way!" said Melfina hastily.  
"Absolutely. It must've been a dream." Gene said, nodding.  
"But.....If it wasn't a dream..." said Melfina, her eyes glazing over, "Would it really be so bad?"  
Gene looked at her. "Well...I guess not. It IS Valentine's Day after all."  
"Yay!" said Melfina happily.  
"Huh?" wondered Gene, "Why the hell is my hair green?"  
  
.....  
  
"Hm..." said Aisha, sipping her coffee.  
"...So like I said," said a guy she was talking to, "This idiotic 'romance' living things share is purely fiction. We are put here to suffer, and love something we've created to dull the pain. It doesn't really exist."  
"What the hell are you talking about?" said Aisha incredulously. "Love kicks ass! And that crap you've been spouting about how lame money is...where the hell does that come from, huh?"  
"Uh..." said the guy, obviously confused.  
"Well screw you! I'm gonna go find me a valentine!" Aisha laughed, heading out the door of the coffee shop. Then I began cutting off my limbs because I was so damn cheesy.  
  
...  
  
Gilliam blinked slightly. He looked around the room. "OH GOOD GOD! What the bloody hell is this!?! Blue and orange?! Shag carpet?!? BRUCE VILANCH?! It's hideous! HIDEOUS!" Gilliam immediately set about deploying his little Gilliam bots and making them completely un-renovate the ship.  
  
LATER  
  
"Alright," said Hazanko, "First off let me say that I in no way condoned these idiots' stupid plan. They will be....punished."  
Hitoriga uttered a little girly scream and hid behind Lady Iraga. Jukei just looked rather sad. The two of them were back on board the Geomancer with the rest of the Anten Seven. Or presumably, soon to be the Anten Five. Hazanko was on the phone with the leader of the 108 Suns, who didn't take kindly to the entire Planet Tenrei pushed nearly to the brink of insanity due to a stupid plan made by two drunken idiots that wouldn't even have worked anyway.  
"Haha," giggled Tobeigera, "You two were a 'grave' disappointment! Get it? Grave?" He he began bursting into laughter and Hitoriga began kicking him in the shins.  
"You guys are jerks!" sniffled Hanmyo, "Now we can't have our big Valentine's Bash!" She started crying.  
"Oh great, you idiots made Hanmyo cry!" said Hamushi, comforting Hanmyo.  
"This is the crappiest Valentine's Day ever, and it's all your fault!" shouted Leilong. Hazanko hung up the phone.  
"Well, you all have to be executed. Even you guys who had nothing to do with the plan." Hazanko said happily. Everyone shot Jukei and Hitoriga a dirty look.  
"Hold it!" said Jukei, "My contract when I signed up with the Anten Seven has a specific 'No Executions' clause!"  
"Yeah, mine too." said Hitoriga, relieved that Jukei had found a loophole.  
"No you didn't. You guys are lying." said Hazanko, unsure. "...Are you?"  
"Are you willing to sort through millions of file cabinets worth of contracts to find out?" asked Jukei coyly.  
"Nah, I'm too lazy. I'll let it slide this time." said Hazanko warmly.  
"Hooray!" shouted Leilong, pumping his fist in the air. "Maybe this isn't such a bad Valentine's Day after all!"  
"Let's sing!" shouted Hitoriga.  
  
Anten Seven Sing-A-Long: (To the tune of Oh, Christmas tree)  
  
All: Oh Valentine, Oh Valentine, how tasty are thy chocolates! Iraga: They taste like piiiee, except bet-ter! Leilong: They perfect giiiift, from him to her! All: Oh Valentine, Oh Valentine, how tasty are thy chocolates! Hamushi: Eat the peanut butter ones, and throw out the rest! Tobeigera: I like the che-rry cordials best! All: Oh Valentine, Oh Valentine, how tasty are thy chocolates! Hitoriga: I'm allergic to it, but that's okay! Jukei: Chocolate brightens up my day! All: Oh Valentine, Oh Valentine, how tasty are thy chocolates! Hanmyo: And god bless us, everyone!  
  
And then I read my song and committed suicide. The end.  
  
-----------------  
  
Wow, I'm a retard. And no, this isn't the end. I'm just getting started. R&R, and make the world happy at you. I'm going to sleep. 


	7. Everybody Was KungFu Fighting

Hi hi hi. Now that that stupid storyarc is done with, we can get on with our dumb adventure! Today's episode is a little....strange. It's intentional. I think it is very funny though. You, my loyal fans deserve a totally awesome episode.  
  
Gene: But you don't have any fans! Only two people have even read your story!  
  
Shut up Gene! It's not like YOU have any fans!  
  
Gene: Well no, but I have lots of fanGIRLS. I even got an official T-shirt from Megahot Bishounens Incorporated.  
  
Damn you Gene, damn you. Anywho, I don't own Outlaw Star, Chiclets, American Idol, Wayne's World, CD Warehouse, Arby's or Carl Douglas. Read on, friends.  
  
----------------------  
  
It was a superb, magically delicious day in the Fourth Annual Heiphon Cooking Contest. Gene, Aisha, and Suzuka were all hoping for a big win, as were two very familiar foes. The MacDougall brothers. Yes, the MacDougalls were excellent chefs too, and were known the universe over for their roughly cake-shaped monstrosities.  
"So..." said a judge, inspecting the MacDougall's creation. "This a strawberry meatloaf?"  
"No!" said Harry, irked. "It's a pineapple upside-down cake!"  
"Why is it brown and red?" asked the judge, not taking his eyes off the cake.  
"The brown is where it's burnt, and the red is the tomatoes." said Ron helpfully.  
".....Tomatoes?" asked the judge, who was now genuinely worried.  
"Of course!" shouted Harry, like the judge was the biggest idiot in the universe, "You can't make a cake without breaking a few tomatoes!"  
Things weren't going too well over at the Outlaw Star's booth either. "And what do you call these?" asked a judge, pointing at Gene's strange dish.  
"Chiclet churros!" said Gene proudly.  
"Chiclet.....churros?" asked the judge skeptically. "What exactly are they?"  
"Pretty much just churros, except with a delicious crispy Chiclet coating. Yum yum." said Gene, his mouth watering.  
"How do the Chiclets stay on the churros?" asked the judge, "Wouldn't they just fall off?"  
"I stick them on with a delicious mixture of honey and chocolate syrup. It's great." said Gene, picking one up and handing it to the judge. "Try it."  
The judge looked at it hesitantly. "Wouldn't it be disgustingly sweet?" he asked.  
"Of course! That's what makes it so great! Take a big bite!" Gene smiled. The judge took a big bite, then immediately died of a sugar overdose.  
Gene stared at him for a while. "Is that a point deduction?"  
  
"Alright, prepare to be dazzled by....BLUEBERRY SOUP!" yelled Suzuka proudly, giving her judge a heaping bowl.  
"Um...." said the judge, staring at it.  
"Yes? Is something the matter?" questioned Suzuka.  
"This is just blueberries and cream." said the judge, swirling her spoon around in the bowl.  
"And?" asked Suzuka.  
"You...you just took blueberries and cream and changed the name."  
"So? What's your point?"  
  
"Alright, so what's your special dish?" asked a judge, really not looking forward to it after seeing what all the other judges had to do.  
"I'm glad you asked!" laughed Aisha, "I have for you: roast chicken, Aisha style!" Aisha began cutting an absolutely delicious looking roast chicken.  
"Wow!" said the judge, grabbing a leg and taking a bite of it, "This is really good! Very unique spices!"  
"Yep," said Aisha, smiling happily, "That would be the tobacco sauce."  
The judge coughed. "Excuse me, don't you mean tobasco sauce?" he wondered.  
"No, I mean tobacco sauce! It really gives it a kick!" shouted Aisha happily. "So do I win or what?"  
  
.....  
  
"Okay, we didn't win." said Aisha skeptically, "Stop being so gloomy."  
"We did worse than not win! We were in last place! We even placed behind Gwen Kahn's steamed mushroom pie!" Gene said frantically, waving his arms around. The three of them were walking through downtown Heiphon and back to their little home on Heiphon, after a rough and sore defeat.  
"That was a stupid moneymaking idea anyway, Aisha." said Suzuka. "Even worse than Gene's dolphin rodeo plan."  
"It sure seemed like a great $200,000 investment to me..." Gene said, scratching his head, "If Jim had just remembered to FEED them..." They continued walking for a while and arguing over what their lamest moneymaking scheme was, not knowing that a mysterious figure was watching them through the bushes...  
"Hey look, we're here already!" cheered Aisha, entering the front door. It was a nice, average little house. I don't want to be creative and actually make an original house, so it looks basically like their usual, regular house they have throughout the series.  
Suddenly, without warning, Gilliam started singing. "Ding dong, the ship is fixed! Which old ship? The Party ship! Cheerio, the Party Ship is fiiiixed!" Everyone stared at Gilliam.  
"That was by far the dumbest greeting ever." said Gene, exasperated. "You sound flat."  
"I do not! I'm a great singer!" Gilliam said indignantly.  
"Even Aisha can sing better than you, Gilliam." said Suzuka, who was rummaging around the kitchen for some tea.  
"Which isn't saying much," said Aisha, "I sing better than everyone."  
"No you don't." said Jim, entering the room and reading a comic book, "You sing like a cat choking on barbed wire."  
"Well that one time I really WAS choking on barbed wire. So that might be why." Aisha meowed. "Look, listen. I sing beautifully."  
"Noooooo! She's gonna sing!" yelled Gene, "Look at what you've done, Jim! Was it worth it?!!?" The lights went dim and Aisha began singing.  
"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTIIIII," sang Aisha, her voice cracking into an obnoxious screech after every other syllable. "ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEEESE! I LOST MY POOR MEEEEEAAATTTBAAAAALLL..."  
Everyone in the room was doubled over in pain. "Noooo! ARGH! It burns!" yelled Jim, "Suzuka, do something!" But Suzuka was on the floor, spasming out of control.  
"Her powers are...too great for me!" moaned Suzuka, foaming at the mouth. Finally, Aisha ended her stupid song.  
"That was great, huh?" laughed Aisha happily.  
"Well, that was definitely one of your best songs." said Gene, "Only one person ended up having a seizure."  
Jim sighed. "Aisha, you desperately need singing lessons." But just then the doorbell rang.  
"I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT!" yelled Aisha, running to the door and tripping over stuff. She opened the door. "Hello there. Who are you?"  
What she saw standing there was a monkey. Just a regular, cute little monkey. He had a kickass headband and a pair of katanas. He looked totally awesome. "My name is Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah. I have a job for you." said the monkey.  
"You!" yelled Suzuka, walking up to the monkey. "Haven't seen you in a while."  
"Ah, Suzuka." said the monkey, looking up at her. "You look well."  
"Um..." said Gene, "You guys know each other?"  
"We trained in the same assassin fold. I was always impressed by his skills." said Suzuka. "Hey, remember that time when we were walking around and you started laughing for no reason?" she laughed.  
"Haha!" laughed Ninja Monkey, "That was hilarious! Then everyone else started laughing and screaming!"  
"Yep!" laughed Suzuka, barely stifling uproarious laughter, "And then...*hee hee*...nothing at all interesting happened!" They both started laughing and laughing.  
Suzuka smiled. "Good times, good times." By now everyone was staring at them. "I guess you had to be there." she shrugged.  
Jim looked up. "About your job offer. What would we be doing? And how much would it pay?"  
"You'd be helping me to defeat my arch-nemesis." said the monkey, looking at his soon-to-be team mates. "I'd pay you each 6000 wong for your services."  
"YAY! ITSADEALITSADEALITSADEAL!" yelled Aisha, jumping up and down and running around in circles, "MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!" she tripped and skinned her knee. "AGH! BEEEEEEEEE STING!"  
"Aisha, have you been into my secret chiclet churro stash?" said Gene grumpily. "I really need to hide those things better." Just then the phone started ringing. Gene walked over to pick it up. He accidentally stepped on Gilliam, then resolved to fix him later. "Hello?"  
Fred appeared on the screen. "Hi there Gene!" he laughed, "Aren't we looking bright and chipper today!"  
"Whatever you say Fred." said Gene, rolling his eyes. "What do you want?"  
"Ah, I just wanted to call and see how everything was going with that big treasure hunt on Tenrei was going!" he said, rubbing his ear, "Did you get the dragonite?"  
"We sure did!" said Gene proudly, "Every single penny!"  
"Great! About how much did you make?" asked Fred with anticipation.  
"About 5 bucks." said Gene happily.  
There was a brief pause. "FIVE BUCKS!? WHAT CAN ANYONE DO WITH FIVE BUCKS?!" yelled Fred, taking everyone by surprise.  
"You can get a used CD at CD Warehouse for 5 bucks..." said Gene thoughtfully.  
"FIVE BUCKS! FIVE LOUSY BUCKS! HOW WORTHLESS! WHAT A MEASLY AMOUNT OF MONEY!" Fred bellowed, totally ignoring Gene.  
"Oh yeah don't forget, we get half of that." said Gene.  
Fred composed himself. "How did it come to be so cheap? Wasn't all the dragonite there as planned?"  
"It wasn't real dragonite, but cheap plastic imitation dragonite." Gene shrugged. "I found the 5 bucks in some guy's cash register."  
Fred sighed. "Oh well, I'm sure you had a great time right?"  
"No. We all got our minds warped and nearly killed ourselves." Gene said.  
"Sounds like a party to me! Well see ya, I gotta go spend the money I won off that cooking contest for my Buffalo Bears!" Fred laughed. Before Gene could ask him what a Buffalo Bear was, he hung up.  
"Well, let's go fight this enemy! I have you guys on the clock, you know." said Ninja Monkey irritably.  
  
LATER  
  
"Here it is." said Ninja Monkey Yah Hoo Hah. "This is where I am supposed to battle my ultimate arch-enemy." Him and the Party Ship crew were standing in the middle of the city park. It was around mid-afternoon, and sweltering hot.  
"God, it's hot out here." moaned Aisha. "Be right back." she walked away from the rest of them and over to a sunglasses stand a little ways away.  
The guy running it looked at Aisha. "SCHWING!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.  
"Did you just Schwing me? You pervert!" yelled Aisha, punching the guy in the head.  
"Ow ow ow. Anyways, sunglasses are a dollar." said the guy, bandaging his head, which was gushing blood.  
"Great. Thanks." said Aisha, buying a pair then leaving. "Some people are just total creeps."  
"Who's a creep?" wondered Suzuka.  
"Some freak sunglasses salesman." said Aisha, putting on her sunglasses. "Anyways, has that big enemy thing showed up yet?"  
"Nope." said Suzuka, "Ninja Monkey says that the guy probably chickened out."  
"Speaking of chickening out, where's Gene?" asked Aisha, leaning up against a small wall.  
"Hanging with Ninja Monkey. Same with Jim and Melfina." said Suzuka. Suddenly a large earthquake rocked the park.  
"What the hell?" yelled Aisha. Ninja Monkey then ran over to them.  
"It's him! The enemy! Come quickly!" he yelled, motioning for them to follow him. They followed him into the very center of the park: a large plateau. In the middle of it stood an enormous 10-foot tall sumo wrestler. Gene had his Caster leveled at him. Jim and Melfina were standing around looking for somewhere to hide.  
"NINJA MONKEY YAH HOO HAH! It is I, KICK POW SMACK POOF! I am here to finally defeat you!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. Now, before you say that this is really stupid, keep in mind that this is the series where our heroes once fought a psychic cactus. Nothing is too crazy for Outlaw Star. "Prepare for battle!"  
"Not on my watch!" yelled Gene, his finger tensing on the trigger.  
"No! Stop!" yelled Ninja Monkey, running in front of Gene. "This is a battle for me alone to fight!" He turned to face Kick Pow Smack Poof and drew his swords.  
"Um, so why did you hire us as bodyguards?" wondered Jim skeptically.  
"If I die, you have to avenge me." he said simply. "It was in your employment forms."  
"God damn fine print." mumbled Gene, putting his gun away. "You better win."  
"ENOUGH OF THIS MIND NUMBING RED TAPE!" bellowed Kick Pow Smack Poof, launching himself at Ninja Monkey. Suddenly, a familiar tune started playing.  
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" wondered Melfina.  
"I dunno..." said Suzuka, looking around for the source of the music. "Whoa!" she shouted, jumping out of the way of Kick Pow Smack Poof. Ninja Monkey jumped up and stabbed into his back.  
"HA HA!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof, "My fat just absorbs your weak weapons!"  
"Wow! What an opponent!" said Aisha, amazed.  
"I'm not even paying attention anymore." said Gene, annoyed. "Just where is that music coming from?"  
  
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting,  
those jerks were fast as lightning  
In fact it was a little bit fright'ning,  
but they fought with expert timing  
  
"What the bloody hell was that?" wondered Aisha, the battle still raging. "Who's playing their headphones too loud?"  
"I've heard of this!" yelled Jim, "They're called songfics or something like that!" Suddenly, Kick Pow Smack Poof attempted to bellyflop Ninja Monkey, an utterly devastating move. But Ninja Monkey was too quick for him, and barely avoided his attack.  
  
There was funky China men from funky Chinatown  
They were trapping when up, they were trapping when down  
It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part  
For my friend, ain't you a stiff, then I'm kickin' from the hip  
  
Ninja Monkey leaped on top of Kick Pow Smack Poof while he was on the ground and held his head down. "Now, Gene!" yelled Ninja Monkey at the top of his lungs, "Hit him with your caster!"  
"Right!" yelled Gene, firing his caster at the obese giant. "It's a number 11 shell!"  
"What do those do again?" asked Jim.  
"I dunno, I've never tried one before." shrugged Gene. What happened was rather bizarre. A yellow ball shot out of the end and bounced around a little bit. Then it stopped bouncing and slowly transformed into the ultimate abomination of all that is good and just in the world. The scariest, evilest, most mentally harmful thing to every exist.  
  
There was funky Billie Jim and little Sammy John  
He said, here comes the big boss, let's get it on  
We took the bow and made a stand, started swaying with the hand  
A sudden motion made me stiff, now we're into a brandnew trip  
  
"Hi there! I'm the Arby's Oven Mitt!" said the terrible, abominable monster. "I'M KING OF THE WOOORRRRRLLLLLDD!"  
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, "It's terrible! It's HIDEOUS!"  
"The dumbness!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof, doubled over in pain. "I can't feel my face! NO! I'm melting! Oh what a world! To think that a mitten like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"  
"You aren't melting." said Ninja Monkey, exasperated. "The bones in your body have been evaporated from the dumbness."  
"Will it never EEEEENNNNNNDDDD?!?!" yelled the mitten helpfully. Kick Pow Smack Poof rolled away in utter defeat.  
"Victory!" yelled Gene happily. Ninja Monkey walked over to the Arby's Mitten.  
"Arby's Mitten, you have proved yourself to be a noble and valiant warrior." said Ninja Monkey, honorably. "Would you perhaps be willing to become my ninja team mate, so that together we may finally defeat Kick Pow Smack Poof and the evil he represents?"  
"I would," said the Arby's mitten, "But I prefer to remain without alliance. Fighting the good fight all over the universe." His eyes glazed over. "The peril here is finished for now, but all over the galaxy my assisstance is needed. Wherever a mobster sticks up an early morning jogger for cash. Wherever a convenience store clerk is shot to death in a botched robbery. Wherever a monster terrorizes a city. Wherever there's trouble, I will be there. My work here is done, and I must move on. My life is that of a nomad, and I must continue my life until the universe no longer needs me. And then, then we will have happiness. So long, Party Ship. I doubt we will ever see each other again." After his speech ended, the Arby's mitten walked off into the sunset.  
"Dude, the Arby's Mitten is totally badass." said Aisha in awe.  
"He is without a doubt one of the most noble warriors I have ever met." said Ninja Monkey, nodding his head thoughtfully.  
"I DON'T HAVE A NOSE! WHERE IS MY NOSE!?!" yelled a faraway voice.  
  
-------------------  
  
So there's my chapter. I'm really proud of this one. I like my sunglasses salesman :D. Spend a few minutes today writing a review to an author near you. They could use the support. We'll send you a free pen. 


	8. Meet the MacDougalls

"An outlaw. What defines an outlaaw, can not be expressed in any way, shape or form. An outlaw is a very special thingy, because outlaws follow their dreams and live by thier own outlaw-tastic rules."  
Hey, who are you? This is my chapter opening area!  
"Blah blah blah blah blah outlaw outlaw outlaw blah blah blah dreams blah pirates blah blah..."  
HEY! I said who are you!  
"Um, I'm the narrarator. I introduce each episode by talking about outlaws and stuff. Then I go away and am never heard from again until the next episode."  
Well go away. I'm the author and I say you aren't welcome here. Also, you sound like that guy off of Cowboy Bebop.  
"Uh, you mean Jet Black? Yeah, that's totally not me."  
Oh....SUUUUUURRRRREE *walks over to mysterious curtain*  
"Hey! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"  
No! *pulls curtain down, Jet Black is standing there witha microphone* What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out making a Cowboy Bebop sequel and therefore please me and the rest of the anime universe?  
"My contract expired. They have Vash the Stampede replacing me in the sequel."  
Really? Damn, that's gonna be awesome!  
"No it won't! It's gonna suck! At least PRETEND to have sympathy for me."  
No way! I'm gonna go surf the web for more info on this sequel! See ya later! Have fun with your narrarator career, or whatever.  
"Sigh. The author would like you to know that he doesn't own Outlaw Star, Febreeze, American Idol, Iron Chef, Most Extreme Elimination, Zoloft, Dave Letterman, Connect Four, Nyquil, GI Joe, or Barbie. Man, that's a lot of stuff this guy doesn't own. He sucks."  
  
------------  
  
"Is the ship ready for takeoff?" Gene asked Gilliam. He was sitting in his pilot's chair, running checks on the ship all alone.  
"Affirmative, Gene." said Gilliam.  
"What's the status on that odd discolored stain on the carpet?" asked Gene.  
"Nothing a few sprays of Febreeze couldn't handle." said Gilliam. "The ship is reading all green for takeoff."  
"Alright," said Gene. "Tell everyone to return to the ship."  
"How will I do that, Gene?" wondered Gilliam.  
"I spent all the money we got from that monkey on walkie talkies." laughed Gene. "Top of the line. You can hear across planets with these babies."  
  
Suzuka thought for a bit. What number was the most likely? Watching other games, she quickly decided to put her money on number 7. She was in a casino, and was situated at the Roulette Wheel.  
"I put 20 bucks on 7!" yelled Suzuka a little too loudly. Did I mention she was drunk? I probably should have.  
"Alright," said the Roulette Wheel turner guy. We'll call him Marius. "Any more bets before I start this thing?"  
"I'll bet 200 bucks on 24." said a guy. He was a tall guy with a top hat and a mousstache.  
"Alright," said Marius, letting the wheel go. Suzuka and the moustache guy watched carefully as the ball rolled around the wheel, bumping around before it finally came to rest on... "24!" announced Marius.  
"Woohoo!" laughed the moustache guy, taking a small pile of chips.  
"Round two...." said Suzuka, her thinking starting to slow down. "I'll put 400 bucks on... um, 17."  
The moustache guy smirked, "I'll put 400 on double zero."  
"Okay!" Marius, releasing the wheel again. Shortly... "Double Zero!" he announced.  
"Yippee!" yelled the moustache guy.  
"That does it!" yelled Suzuka, "You want a gambling contest or something? Quit stealing my luck!"  
"Why yes, I actually do want a contest." said the guy, "I challenge you, Twilight Suzuka!"  
"Ah, you have heard of me?" asked Suzuka.  
"Everyone in the universe has heard of you." said the guy simply, "From what I've heard about you, there's no way I could beat you in a fight... But are you as skilled in the world of luck as you are with the sword?"  
"I dunno...am I?" asked Suzuka groggily, quickly losing interest.  
"That's the question, indeed." smiled the guy, nodding his head. "So, do you accept my challenge?"  
"You bet I am!" yelled Suzuka, pumping her fist in the air.  
  
2 SHORT HOURS LATER  
  
"That was... hideously disappointing." sighed the guy. "I have all your money, belongings, relatives, your sucessful chain of hotels on Planet Tenrei, and according to this contract, your "Best Friend" Fred is my slave for ten years. All you have now is your clothes and your sword. Ready to forfeit?" he asked.  
"Um... I do seem to be out of stuff don't I?" sighed Suzuka. Suddenly, she got an idea. "Wait, I do have a ship...."  
That caught the guy's interest. "A ship?"  
"Yeah, it's a big and green grappler ship and it even comes with a five-person crew ready to fly!"  
"Oh, I hate grappler ships. Forget I said anything." said the guy, and he walked away.  
Suzuka stared. "Well that was weird." she said to herself.  
  
[SPECIAL AUTHOR'S NOTE THING: Originally, Suzuka lost the Party Ship betting against this guy. He's a walrus god named Shermie and he wants to use the Party Ship for his own evil purposes. It was a neat idea, and I totally went with it all the way to completion. Then I discovered that the chapter was crap and totally redid it. Be thankful I did.]  
  
......  
  
"Alright, Melfina! Take off!" shouted Gene.  
"Take off what?" wondered Aisha, "She's already totally nude, you pervert." She laughed at her own stupid joke.  
"Aisha, calling Gene a pervert isn't really humor." said Jim, "As true as it is, it is never funny. Try some nun jokes or something."  
"It's topical humor, you philistines." Aisha growled, "Nobody understands my art."  
"That's what all terrible artists say." said Suzuka, "Now let's just blast off."  
"Just where the hell are we going, anyway?" asked Gene.  
"Shouldn't you know that?" asked Melfina.  
"Well I mean, I figured we could just blast off and sort of ad-lib it from there." said Gene. "Who says we need a destination?"  
"Gene, that is the only plot hole big enough for people to recognize without our help." said Gilliam, "I won't allow it. How about Earth?"  
"What's an Earth?" wondered Jim.  
"It's the planet where all the people came from, long long ago. Didn't they teach you that in school?" said Suzuka skeptically.  
"Nah, I think Jim's still in like preschool or something." said Aisha.  
"Hey! I'm 10 years old!" yeled Jim, waving his arms around.  
"Oh, sorry." said Aisha sarcastically. "THIRD grade. BIIIIIIG difference."  
  
.........  
  
It was a absolutely gorgeous and totally un-bogus day in the MacDougall's secret base. Harry was throwing darts at pictures of Gene. That was all he did now since Ron took his TV away. Something about episodes of Pokemon giving Harry seizures or something. Also, Ron thought that Simon Cowell was a bad influence on Harry's young and impressionable mind. Speaking of Ron, he wasn't in the room.  
"An absolutely terrible preformance. Go kill yourself." Harry said to himself, tossing another dart. "That Simon Cowell could be my role model!"  
"What a terrible role model." said Ron, entering the room. "Are you still watching that show?"  
"I watch it at Gwen Kahn's house. He has cable, you know." said Harry, landing a dart on Gene's nose.  
"Wow. Great news for Gwen Kahn, huh?" smiled Ron, crossing his arms. There was a momentary silence in the room. Harry casually tossed another dart, casting discreet glances at Ron. He then collapsed onto his knees and started yelling.  
"CAN WE GET CABLE TV!? CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE!?" yelled Harry, pleading. "I'LL BE THE ONLY KID ON THE BLOCK WITHOUT IT!"  
"Last time we had cable TV you deep fried some potpourri and ate it after an episode of Iron Chef." said Ron sternly, "My answer is no."  
"Come on! I remembered the poison control number!" begged Harry, tears forming in his eyes. "I even felt so bad that I baked 12 special pizzas, just for you!"  
"You used the potpourri."  
"Oh. Oh yeah." sighed Harry, standing up.  
"Well, I guess we can get cable, but you have to pay for it with your own allowance!" negotiated Ron.  
"It's a deal!" shouted Harry happily, "Lemme go check my piggy bank!" Harry ran over to his room and tripped over a stool, getting a minor splinter in his leg. "ARGH! IT HURTS!" he whined.  
"Oh jeez, it's just a splinter Harry." Ron sighed. "You can't keep getting this worked up over little-"  
"OH LORD IT HURTS! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Harry cried.  
"I guess I have to pull out." said Ron, getting his tweezers. "This might hurt a little bit."  
Harry's eyes went wide with terror. "N-no! It's only a little splinter! I-I'll be fine!"  
"I have to pull it out or it'll get infected." said Ron patiently, tweezers in hand. "Just close your eyes and pretend you're getting a Simon Cowell autograph." Squinting carefully, he quickly pulled out Harry's splinter.  
"OWWWWWWW! I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM! ARGH!" moaned Harry, clutching his arm in pain.  
"But the splinter was in your leg." said Ron, confused.  
"It was?" wondered Harry.  
"Harry, you need to stop acting like a little kid." said Ron, "You're 18 years old, for god sakes!"  
"18 and a HALF." said Harry indignantly.  
"Look," said Ron impatiently, "The Outlaw Star is heading to some backwater planet called 'Earth'. We need to ambush them on the way there!"  
"The Outlaw Star!" yelled Harry, jumping to his feet, "I'll kill 'em! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!" He threw a dart at Gene's picture. "Gosh, that guy makes me mad!" he said angrily, crossing his arms.  
"Come, on lets get the Shangri-La ready to intercept them." said Ron.  
"Hang on, I need to hit his eye." said Harry, aiming carefully at the picture of Gene with his dart.  
"LET'S GET GOING!" yelled Ron just as Harry threw the dart. Harry went way off and hit a picture of Melfina right in the face.  
"Hey! Look what you made me do, You big jerk!" sniffled Harry.  
  
........  
  
The Party Ship was zooming through space on the way to Earth. It was generally nice and happy on board the ship. Gene and Gilliam were finishing up a long Connect Four tournament. The others, having been eliminated, were bored out of their minds. Jim was trying to watch TV, but all that was on were Most Extreme Elimination reruns. Aisha was trying to get the cap off some strange new bottles of something in the kitchen that she hadn't already tried before. Melfina was acting as referee between the big Connect Four game, and Suzuka...um...maybe it's best you didn't know what Suzuka was doing.  
"You can't win, Gilliam. You know that don't you?" taunted Gene, dropping a black piece into the Connect Four thing.  
"Don't be so cocky." said Gilliam, "My great grandpa was that one really smart chess computer! There's no way you can win! Melfina, can you put that red piece there? Thanks."  
"Dave Letterman ended up beating that thing way back in 2006. That stupid computer was a total loser." smirked Gene, dropping in another piece.  
"You take that back!" yelled Gilliam, "My great-grandpa was a good man!"  
Gene stood up. "He wasn't better than Dave Letterman, now was he!?!?!" Then a fight broke out. Gene began punching Gilliam's robotic screen. "Oww! Stupid solid glass!" moaned Gene, clutching his hand in agony.  
"YEAH, YOU WANT SOME MORE!? YOU F***ER!!!" Gilliam yelled.  
"Now lets all play fair!" said Melfina. "This game is supposed to be fun!"  
"Well I'm not gonna have fun NOW." muttered Gene, "Thanks to mister Poopyhead over there."  
  
"This is stupid." said Jim, "Every episode they have that stupid bouncy ball game, but it sucks! What about the game where they dress up as palm trees and run up that hill with the giant boulders coming down?" Aisha was sitting on the couch with him, trying to pry the lid off a bottle labeled Zoloft.  
"Godamn these childproof lids!" yelled Aisha, "Why the hell would a kid want Zoloft anyway?"  
"Maybe he's some kinda drug dealer kid." said Jim, uninterested and flipping the channel.  
"Well why doesn't LSD have childproof lids then?" asked Aisha.  
"Because it's illegal and the criminals don't want to make childproof lids. And nobody wants to make them." said Jim, flipping past an ad for a kitchen stain remover.  
"Well why is it illegal and not nyquil? That is some whacked out stuff!" protested Aisha.  
"Because nyquil helps cure colds and stuff." said Jim.  
"No it doesn't, it just makes you trip out until you trick yourself into believing you feel better. I"m on to those people." Aisha said, going back to prying the lid off the jar. Suddenly, the lid popped off. "Alright! There we go! Now lets read the instructions! 'Depressed person should take 2 pills every 4 hours.'" She looked over to Jim. "What's depressed mean?"  
"It's when you're sad." said Jim, totally and utterly bored.  
"Well I'm pretty sad about this whole LSD-childproof lids scenario, so I guess I'm qualified." said Aisha, emptying the bottle onto the coffee table. "Since this stuff is geared towards drug dealer kids, I'd probably need about twice as much. So that's 4 pills every 2 hours. Can do!" she laughed, popping four pills into her mouth. "Wha I weally wike abou' Zoloff is da cute commerfalfs." she said with a mouthfull of pills. "Dose widdle white fings are tho cute." Then she swallowed. Her eyes snapped wide open and she froze for a second. Then she started moving. A whole bunch.  
"WOOO WOOO WOOO WOO! I'M AN AMBULANCE!" she yelled, running around in circles. She began hitting Jim repeatedly in the head with a coffee mug. "JIM'S SICK! LOAD HIM INTO THE HEALING CHAMBER!" she tied him up and continued running around, dragging him along behind her.  
"Ow! Hey, what the heck is wrong with you, Aisha! Agh!" Jim said barely dodging the sofa leg.  
"YOU ARE SICK! YOU NEED HELP!" yelled Aisha, dragging Jim up and down a flight of stairs. "WE ARE ALMOST TO THE HOSPITAL! WEOO WEOO WEOO!"  
  
"Oh, hello Suzuka." said Gilliam. "Me and Gene are almost done with this game."  
Gene sniffed the air. "Man, you sure smell weird Suzuka." he cocked an eyebrow. "Smells kinda sweet... like..."  
"If you say one more word I can promise you a slow and painful death. Jim too. He gets a slow and painful death as well." Suzuka said grumpily, sitting down next to the game. "So who's winning?"  
"I am." said Gilliam, "But just barely. This is one heated match."  
"Yes, this whole thing is absolutely masturbating!" laughed Gene. "Er, fascinating! Yes, I meant fascinating." He started laguhing some more.  
"Don't think I didn't catch that." growled Suzuka.  
"Excuse me Gene, but there is an incoming transmission from an unknown source!" said Gilliam. "Should I patch him through?"  
"Go ahead." said Gene. It was...BUM BUM BUM! HARRY MACDOUGALL! WHOA!  
"Hey there Gene!" said Harry.  
"What do you want MacDougall?" said Gene bitterly.  
"What do I want? Oh! Are you Santa Claus? Wow! Hi Santa! I want a choo-choo train and a GI Joe action figure and Barbie's Super Action Playhouse and-"  
"You idiot!" said Ron, cutting in. "Tell him we're here to challenge him to a duel!"  
"But...he's SANTA! You can't pick a fight with Santa! He won't visit our house this year!" whined Harry.  
"Oh for god sakes! There is no Santa! That's Gene Starwind, and he's a stupid freak! We have to kill him!" yelled Ron.  
Harry whispered to Gene, "I know you're really Santa. Ron just doesn't believe in you anymore. But I do. Don't pass over our house this Christmas Eve!"  
"Dude, Christmas is like 10 months away." said Gene.  
"If we play a duel with you, will you still come to my house to give me presents? I've got cookies. Really cool cookies. They have Christmas trees on them." Harry said.  
"Sure, whatever. Let's just fight." said Gene. And so they fought. They fought and fought for hour upon hour, neither seeming to tire. There was a small time when they didn't fight, since Aisha had burst into the cockpit dragging Jim around. Harry wondered if she was Rudolph, and he told him that she was his new reindeer, Scary. Then he pointed to Suzuka and said that she was his other new reindeer, Horny. Then Suzuka began hitting Gene in the face repeatedly with her sword. Harry didn't understand and started talking to Gene about how reindeer had antlers, not horns. He said that he learned that in his kindergarten class where he gets to cut pretty shapes out of construction paper and glue them on paper plates. He also liked to eat the glitter, even though his brother said it was bad for him. But I"m getting off the point. At one point or another, Gene called off the 'fight'.  
"We are obviously both equally skilled in the powers of the grappler." said Gene.  
"This is a battle that can only be settled by THUMB WAR." said Harry, nodding in agreement.  
"Melfina, prepare to dock with the Shangri-La." Gene said. "It's time we finished this."  
  
CUE CHEESY COMMERCIAL BREAK EFFECTS AND SO ON  
  
"EATFOODEATFOODEATFOOD!" screeched the mindless children's food mascot. Children all around the world enjoying a fine episode of Party Ship were suddenly brainwashed as the world's most terrible creation appeared on the screen. Charles the Cheesy Food Animal.  
"EATFOODORYOUWILLDIE!" yelled Charles.  
"MUST EAT FOOD! CHARLES THE CHEESY FOOD ANIMAL COMMANDS ME!" moaned the zombie food children!  
"MOMMY! GIVE ME FOOD! MY BELLY ACHES FOR THE FOOD OF THE LIVING!" moaned some little girl in Michigan.  
"No dear, you just had lunch." said Mom. This was happening to children all over America. Since they had failed their almighty lord and master Charles the Cheesy Food Animal, they all committed suicide by ingesting bottles of hydrocloric acid. Aisha had showed them how to get the cap off earlier in the program, so they all knew how. The end. [This is like most Cartoon Network commercials I see.]  
  
AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW  
  
Gene walked onto the Shangri-La. He heard Harry's voice crackle over the intercom.  
"I'm at the bridge. Come meet me there." he said mysteriously.  
"Okie dokie." said Gene. He followed the easy, employee-friendly signs until he reached the bridge. He and Harry joined hands and said the sacred chant of thumb war.  
"One two three four! I declare a thumb war!" shouted Harry.  
"Five six seven eight! Try to keep your thumbs straight!" shouted Gene.  
"Oh no no no!" said Harry cockily, "None of those cheap straight-thumb rules here! We play by the official Thumbers Incoporated enforced rules here!"  
"Damn! He copped my strategy!" muttered Gene to himself. "I'll just have to rely on my quick thumbfighting instincts to get out of this one!"  
And so they fought. They fought and fought, hour after hour, neither seeming to tire, yadda yadda yadda. Blah. Eventually Gene won, so all was good.  
"Yahoo! I won!" laughed Gene, running around and dancing.  
"So exactly what does that mean?" wondered Harry.  
"I guess that means that I just killed you and then you inexplicably came back to life somehow. Then you and Ron swear you'll take revenge and fly away. At least, that's what usually happens." said Gene, shrugging.  
"Oh, okay." said Harry. "See ya later then. Now off my ship!" Harry waved and shoved Gene out the door.  
  
...  
  
"So, we're back on the course to Earth?" asked Suzuka.  
"We sure are!" said Gene, "We'll be there in a jiffy." Then all of a sudden, the communication thing started beeping. "Geez, who is it now?"  
"It appears to be coming from Fred Luo." said Gilliam, "Should I patch him through?"  
"Fred?" asked Jim, "Huh, wonder what he wants..."  
"Go ahead, let's see him." said Gene. Fred immediately appeared on the screen.  
"Hey guys, what's up?" he said cooly.  
"Not much." said Jim, "Just finished a life and death struggle with the MacDougall brothers. Nothin' we couldn't handle though."  
"Aw Jim, you look so CUTE when you act all grown up!" smiled Fred. "And Gene, you just look cute ALL the time."  
"Alright, spill it Fred, whaddaya want?" asked Gene.  
"Ah, I couldn't help but overhear how you folks were going to Earth." said Fred, rubbing his ear. "I want you to take some pictures of the wildlife for me."  
"Wildlife?" wondered Gene, "What the hell for?"  
"It's probably best if I didn't disclose that information right away." he said spookily, with eerie sting music arising in the background, almost drowning out his honky-tonk tunes. "I'll pay you handsomely for your troubles as well. How does 500,000 sound to you?"  
"Really really good!" yelled Jim enthusiastically, "We'll take it!"  
"That's great!" laughed Fred, "Well, I best be going now. Pizza delivery's here."  
"Say Fred, just one more question." said Gene, "Why do you always rub your ear like that?"  
Fred laughed. "Oh, I just got it pierced. I need it to grow back together though."  
"Why?" asked Suzuka.  
"Well, it's in the wrong ear! I don't want people to think I'm...you know...gay!" Fred said, looking embarrassed. Everyone was silent.  
"You mean you...AREN'T gay?" asked Suzuka, perplexed.  
"Of course I'm not gay!" yelled Fred, "Just what the hell are you insinuating, little missy?!"  
  
----------  
  
So that's it. This chapter sets an all-time record for gruesome copyright infringements with a whopping 11 possible lawsuits. So far I have exactly 24 gross unauthorized free advertising going on, and I"m only 8 chapters in. Imagine how much will happen 40 or 50 chapters in. I wanna get at least 100 illegal pop culture references in before this series ends. Think I can do it? Normally I'd put some kind of half-hearted beg for reviews and feedback here, but I feel like spacing out watching the Sci-Fi Channel muted and listening to The Cure. You wouldn't believe how much fun this is. If you wanna get spaced out and just...bleh, this a surefire way to go about it.  
Jet: When do I get paid?  
End of the year! Now back to work, you! 


	9. SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hey there lads and lasses, and welcome to a brand new chapter of The Party Ship! We've got a great episode for you today, and-  
  
Jet: God, that was terrible.  
  
What? You think you can do better, Mr. Narrarator-man?  
  
Jet: Yes, I could do a whole lot better. For starters, you need a slogan.  
  
I thought about that, but I can't think of any good ones.  
  
Jet: How about 'The most partyin' story in the galaxy'?  
  
Hey, that's a good one! Let's use that! Anyways, this chapter is about Spring break and how awesome it is. Since this is a story called 'The Party Ship', it's about time some partying started going on. Also, for this chapter and onward, I took the advice of a certain reviewer person and made more space in between each paragraph! Cool huh? See, reviewing pays off! Tell your friends about our quality customer service! Anyways, I don't own Outlaw Star or anything else. On with the show.  
  
-------------  
  
It was a gorgeous, mouth-wateringly beautiful day on planet Earth. Our heroes were walking around in a giant and expansive desert, looking for action and adventure! Woo! Also, they were looking for some form of civilization, but you can't really beat that action and adventure. No sir.  
  
"Are we walking around in circles?" asked Jim, "That sand dune looks familiar."  
  
"Actually, if my GPS is working right, we've been traveling in an elliptical oval." said Aisha, looking at her GPS. Everyone stared at her.  
  
"You have a GPS?! Why the hell didn't you use it in the first place?!" yelled Gene. "You could have spared us the countless weeks wandering around in this stupid desert with no food or water! And that whole gila monster ordeal..." he shuddered. "I'll never be able to look at Dr. Phil the same way again." I don't quite know what this means, but you can bet it's pretty disturbing. Use your imagination!  
  
"It's my secret weapon." said Aisha simply. She looked down at the little screen. "Anyways, it's just miles and miles of sand in every direction. I doubt this planet is even inhabited anymore."  
  
"This is going to sound dumb," said Melfina, "But why didn't we scan the planet's surface for a better landing site before we landed? Also, why did we just leave the ship with no way of finding our way back? And why on earth didn't Gillia-" Then I tried to hit Melfina with a fish for pointing out plot holes. That didn't work, since Aisha was really hungry and ate the fish before I could do anything with it. Great. Just great.  
  
"What's wrong with that guy who pops up and hits us with fish when we point out plot holes?" muttered Suzuka, "Like it's our fault he's such an inconsistent writer." The others all agreed.  
  
"Wait," said Aisha, "According to my digital watch that doubles as a compass/cell phone, today's the official beginning of SPRING! And you know what that means!"  
  
"Holy crap!" shouted Gene, slapping his forehead, "Spring break! I totally forgot about it!"  
  
"Yay! Yay!" yelled Suzuka happily, "Spring break! Spring break! Where are we going this year?"  
  
"Suzuka, if you'd stop being out of character for a moment and looked around you, you'd notice that we're in the middle of a gargantuan desert." said Jim sarcastically, "I seriously doubt we're going anywhere this year."  
  
Melfina smiled. "Not necessarily." she said, "I think the perfect place for a spring break this year...would be none other than planet Earth." Everyone stared at her profoundly for a few moments.  
  
"What are you, NUTS?!" yelled Aisha. "We don't have any pizza!"  
  
"There's no ocean nearby!" yelled Jim, "Or any sign of civilization!"  
  
"No water means no wet t-shirt competition!" shouted Gene.  
  
"And most importantly, no booze!" yelled Suzuka.  
  
"Alright alright, it was just a suggestion." mumbled Melfina.  
  
........  
  
"So we're setting our course for Earth?" asked Harry, sitting down in his navigation-person-seat-thing.  
  
"Yep." said Ron, taking a seat in his main-pilot-seat-thing. "That's where the Party Ship is headed. Plus, I hear it's a great vacation spot!"  
  
"Yay! Vacation vacation! Do I get to build a sand castle?" giggled Harry.  
  
"Sure do! According to this brochure I found, there's everlasting beaches and beautiful, blue water!" Ron said, getting a twinkle in his eye. "Exciting and intelligent nightlife, open bars, casinos, hobos who impersonate Michael Jackson, it's all there!"  
  
"Wait a second," said Harry. "Why are we even going on this vacation anyway?"  
  
"Duh Harry, it's spring break! The most wonderful time of the year!" laughed Ron. The lights went dim, and the MacDougalls stood up. They picked up microphones, and burst into song.  
  
[MACDOUGALL BROTHERS SING-A-LONG]  
  
Ron: It's the most wonderul tiiiiiiime of the year!  
  
Harry: Ding dong! Ding dong!  
  
Ron: All the drunk guys are yelling and everyone's smelling of weekend-old beeeeeer!  
  
Both: It's the most wonderful tiiiiiime of the yeeeear!  
  
Ron: There's drinks a-toasting and 18-year olds boasting of how much they can drink!  
  
Harry: Can't feel your legs! Buy a dozen kegs but it's gone in a blink!  
  
Both: It's the most wonderful tiiiiiiime of the year!  
  
Ron: Irresponsibility growing and STDs flowing, but never to feeeeeeaaaarrr!  
  
Both: It's the most wonderful tiiiiiiiiiiime! It's the most wonderful tiiiiiiiiiiime! IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIIIIIIIIIME OF THE YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAR!  
  
Then Ron and Harry quietly resumed their seats and continued flying to Earth.  
  
.........  
  
The Geomancer was quieter than usual. The Anten Seven were all in the living room watching Golden Girls reruns while Hazanko was in the middle of an important phone call with 108 Pizza, the 108 Suns' resident pizza place.  
  
"Alright! It's on!" laughed Leilong. The familiar theme song started up.  
  
"Thank you for being a frieeeeend!" sang Tobeigera, "Went down the road and back agaiiiin!"  
  
"Shut up, you clown-faced, freakishly retarded homo." said Hitoriga grumpily. Tobeigera ran from the room crying. "Why do we have to watch this stupid show? It's so dumb."  
  
"Hey, don't be dissing Golden Girls!" said Leilong angrily. "This show kicks ass."  
  
"Yeah! Don't you recognize platinum-quality awesomeness when you see it?" asked Jukei.  
  
"This isn't platinum-quality awesomeness!" shouted Hitoriga, pointing at the TV, "It's a bunch of old ladies buying oranges at the supermarket!"  
  
"I think that's very awesome." said Lady Iraga.  
  
"That's because you're like 80 years old." said Hitoriga. "You watch this show to get reminded of your youthful days." Iraga ran from the room crying.  
  
"Hey, don't you think that was a little mean?" asked Hamushi sweetly.  
  
"Shut up, you eyeless bimbo wench!" shouted Hitoriga. Hamushi ran from the room crying.  
  
"Stop making everybody cry! You big meanie!" yelled Hanmyo, kicking Hitoriga in the shins.  
  
"Get away from me, you self-centered, cat-obsessed, dog-faced freak!" yelled Hitoriga. Hanmyo ran from the room crying.  
  
"Dude, it's no wonder Suzuka won't even look your way!" yelled Jukei.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Hitoriga.  
  
"Well, you are what most women would call an 'evil, monstrous prick'. You are probably the biggest jerk I've ever seen. You need to work on your feminine side of get anger management or something." said Leilong.  
  
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION YOU CANCEROUS PIZZA-FACED MUTANT!" yelled Hitoriga at the top of his lungs.  
  
"But...I'm not cancerous, pizza-faced, or a mutant." said Leilong. "I'm just a regular guy."  
  
Hazanko entered the room. "Hey there guys. I've got big news for you." He looked around. "Where the hell is everybody?"  
  
"Hitoriga scared them all away." said Jukei.  
  
"Ah well, they probably would have gotten bored anyway." shrugged Hazanko. "Anyways, I have just obtained some big information that Gene Starwind and the Party Ship are currently on the planet Earth."  
  
"Earth...Earth..." Leilong said, stroking his chin. "Isn't that the planet where the Great Metalhead War of 1000 Years originated? The metalhead civil war over what was 'real metal' and what wasn't?"  
  
"Yep, that's the one." said Hazanko. "They finally ended up signing a peace treaty, but the bad blood between them continued for millenniums afterward."  
  
"Wow, what a pointless and stupid thing to start a war over." said Hitoriga. "Who the hell cares if some delusional 14 year old thinks Drowning Pool is metal?"  
  
"Ask Jukei. He was the one who started the whole war." said Hazanko simply.  
  
"Yep, it's true. I posted the very first flame on a Marilyn Manson message board. I sparked countless debates, and ended up taking countless lives through my leading of the masses. It was brilliant." laughed Jukei evilly.  
  
"Shut up and pay attention you guys. This is important." said Hazanko. "Gene Starwind is trapped helpless and lost on Earth with no food or water. If we strike him in this weakened state, we can surely take him down! I'm coming with Tobeigera and Hanmyo down to the surface, Hamushi and Iraga are going to a tupperware party, and you three will watch the ship."  
  
"No problem. I get dibs on the remote!" laughed Leilong.  
  
"Now remember, no exploding eggs in the microwave. Also, I left the poison control number on the fridge in case Hitoriga feels like cooking dinner cooks. Plus, there's some oil paints in the closet...Just in case, you know, you need some oil paints for some reason." shrugged Hazanko. "Am I forgetting anything?"  
  
"Yes. No girls after midnight, your karaoke player is completely off limits..." said Hitoriga, counting off on his fingers, "If we order Chinese we have to eat it all 'cause otherwise it stinks up the fridge, no getting tattoos, if we go on an insane murdering spree we HAVE to remember to lock up the ship before we leave, no ordering pay-per-view, and above all, NO PARTIES."  
  
Jukei groaned. "This sucks. We can't do ANYTHING! at least let us have a party! It's spring break for crying out loud!"  
  
"Nuh-uh." said Hazanko, waving his finger. "Last time you guys had a party you completely trashed the place. The carpet was soiled! The bookshelves disheveled! The turtle...dead!"  
  
"We gave Tippy a very nice funeral." said Leilong indignantly.  
  
"Well, you shouldn't have been using him to test out your metal detector in the first place." said Hazanko, crossing his arms.  
  
"He's still out there somewhere in the sands of Hekaton Keirez." said Hitoriga. "All we have to do is go dig him up."  
  
"Well, I'm gonna warp down to the surface now. Be back in a couple days." said Hazanko, teleporting himself, Tobeigera (in the middle of inflating his escape raft) and Hanmyo down to Earth. He can teleport, right? I dunno, I'm making assumptions. I haven't seen Outlaw Star in a while. I'm sorry. I'm currently watching Irresponsible Captain Tylor. Have you seen that show? It's about this guy who...Oh wait, I'm getting off topic. All you really need to know about it is that it has Jason in it, anyways. Back to the story.  
  
.............  
  
Dave the Sunglasses Guy waited patiently at his sunglasses stand for a customer. He hadn't seen one in a while, considering Earth is a deserted planet and all. But he still made quite a fair amount of income. Just how did he accomplish this? Well, it basically involved him circulating postcards displaying Earth as a beautiful, gorgeous, life-filled planet. This caused many a tourist to come to planet Earth, only to have their spaceships break down and be stranded there. And in the Earth's ungodly desertlike heat, what's one to do but buy some sunglasses? And so they bought sunglasses. They bought sunglasses like there was no tomorrow. And there usually wasn't a tomorrow since they all died of dehydration very quickly. Dave made an evil little chuckle, then stood at attention, because behold: customers were approaching!  
  
"Five pairs of sunglasses please." said Gene, standing before Dave.  
  
"Sure man, coming right up." said Dave, handing 5 pairs of sunglasses to Gene. He looked at Melfina. "Whoa! Schwing!" Then at Suzuka and Aisha. "Double, no, TRIPLE schwing!"  
  
"You horrible lecherous pervert!" yelled Suzuka, totally sworderizing Dave.  
  
"Holy cow! He's dead!" yelled Jim. He looked up at Suzuka. "We were SUPPOSED to ask him for directions!"  
  
"He schwinged us." said Aisha, "He deserved it."  
  
SOMEWHERE AROUND 4 HOURS LATER  
  
"Hey, wake up." said Hazanko, kicking the corpse of Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "Have you seen a red haired guy, a little kid, and three chicks come passing through here?" He waited a few minutes for a response.  
  
"I think he's dead, Mr. Hazanko." said Hanmyo. She gave him a few kicks to the head, then a few to the groin. "Yeah. See, that probably would have woken him up."  
  
"Yep, he's definitely dead." said Tobeigera, nodding his head.  
  
"You're sure?" asked Hazanko.  
  
"Why, I'm DEAD sure!" laughed Tobeigera. Then he burst out laughing. Some more.  
  
"Well, I'm gonna bring him back so we can ask him for directions." said Hazanko. Then he used his almighty Tao powers that I'm almost 40 percent sure he actually has to bring Dave back to life.  
  
"Whoa. Dude, what happened?" moaned Dave. He sat up and looked around. He spotted Hanmyo. "Whoa! Schwing!"  
  
Everyone stared at him. "Schwing? Dude, she's like 8 years old." said Hazanko, disgusted.  
  
"Wow, really? She looks so mature..." he said, uncertain. Hanmyo giggled.  
  
"You'll have to trust me on this one." said Hazanko. "So, have you seen a red haired guy come past here?"  
  
Dave thought. "Red haired guy...red haired guy...Hm..."  
  
"With a little kid?" Hazanko offered. "Kinda dumb?"  
  
"Little kid...wow. Little kid." Dave pondered, "Not ringing any bells..."  
  
"With three girls...." Hazanko continued.  
  
"Oh yeah! Those guys!" exclaimed Dave, snapping his fingers. "Man, those girls were outta this world! They were all over me! And I was all: 'One at a time ladies, one at a time!'"  
  
"Uh huh." said Hazanko. "That's great. Did you happen to see where they went?"  
  
"And then the catgirl person was all: 'Oh Dave, you're so manly!'" Dave continued. "I practically had to fight her off me!"  
  
"Yeah, I believe you. Really I do." said Hazanko, losing his patience. "Now did you see where they went or not?"  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah, they were headed East." said Dave, pointing east. "Anyways, then the sword chick was all: 'Back off you dumb animal! He's mine!' And then they were like totally fighting over me! I was like: 'Ladies, ladies, let's try and be civil! THere's enough DAVE to go around!'" Hazanko, Tobeigera and Hanmyo continued East, disgusted.  
  
SOMEWHERE AROUND 5 HOURS LATER. OH WAIT, MY TIME ZONES ARE MESSED UP. IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES LATER.  
  
"Hi there! You guys looking to buy some sunglasses?" called Dave.  
  
"Nah, that's okay." said Ron MacDougall. "Actually, we were looking for a guy with red hair that came past here..."  
  
Dave looked over at Harry. "Whoa! SCHW- Oh wait, you're a guy." said Dave. "Never mind."  
  
"Of course he's a guy." said Ron, slightly irked.  
  
"Well, he doesn't look that much like a guy." said Dave skeptically.  
  
Harry sniffled. "Ron... am I a..GIRLY-BOY?" he began bawling.  
  
Ron comforted Harry. "No! You're not a girly-boy! You're just special!" Then, to Dave: "We had to change his school because all the kids made fun of him at his old one. All the kids made fun of him. Called him a faggot." Ron sighed.  
  
"Wow." said Dave, "That's terrible. Anything I can do to help?"  
  
"Sure. Have you seen a red-haired guy come through here?" asked Ron.  
  
"Uh...Hm..." Dave thought. He had always had extreme short-term memory problems. "Red-haired guy...red-haired guy..." He immediately thought of Tobeigera. "Hey yeah! There was this clowny piratey guy who came by! He had red hair!"  
  
"Pirates?!" shouted Ron. "The pirates are here for the Party ship too?"  
  
"Seems that way! Let's see..they headed East! Yep, East!" smiled Dave. "So howsabout buying some sunglasses for all the help I gave you?" but Ron and Harry were already gone.  
  
............  
  
"So where's the beer?" wondered Leilong. "I'm itchin' to get this spring break started!"  
  
"Uh...Hazanko said we weren't allowed to drink..." said Jukei, uncertain.  
  
"No, he said we couldn't have a PARTY." said Hitoriga. "You can drink when you aren't having a party. Like if you're sad and are trying to forget your problems."  
  
"Alright, quick. Everyone think of something they're sad about, then we'll have a good excuse." said Leilong.  
  
"I'm sad because Suzuka won't even look my way." said Hitoriga sadly.  
  
"I'm sad because I'm trapped in this stupid straitjacket and have no real use of my arms and legs." said Jukei sadly.  
  
"I'm sad because the only alcoholic beverage on this ship is Bud Light." said Leilong sadly.  
  
"WHAT?!" yelled the other two.  
  
"Well, so much for that plan." said Hitoriga. He snapped his fingers. "Hey, why don't we put weird things in the microwave and see what happens?"  
  
"Yeah!" laughed Leilong. "So long as we don't use any eggs, we'll be okay! Man, there are some easy loopholes in Hazanko's rules."  
  
And so they set about gathering odd things for the microwave. Soon, they had amassed a small collection of weird junk. It included: a large pile of forks, some leftover M-80s from the 4th of July, one of Hamushi's bras, and a giant bag of marshmallows.  
  
"This is gonna be awesome!" laughed Jukei. "Let's do the bra first!" Leilong picked up the bra and popped it in the microwave and set it at the highest temperature. They leaned over and peered in the small window in the front of the microwave excitedly.  
  
"What's it doing?" wondered Hitoriga. The bra in question was thrashing around inside the microwave.  
  
"I think that's the wire inside it reacting with the radioactivity." said Jukei. "I bet if you touched that thing right now it would incinerate your entire hand!" he laughed evilly. He stopped laughing quickly because the microwave exploded and lit him on fire.  
  
"AAAGH! AAAAA!" he yelled, spasming around on the ground in 3rd-degree pain.  
  
"Remembering stop drop and roll! Good job, Jukei!" laughed Leilong. Hitoriga grabbed a fire extinguisher and sprayed all over Jukei until he was put out.  
  
"You okay, dude?" asked Hitoriga. "You look awfully burned from head to toe."  
  
"Nah, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about." said Jukei. Somehow when he stood up he was all better. "In anime, clever camera changes are always the best medicine."  
  
"Good to know." said Hitoriga. "But now what? Our microwave is destroyed!"  
  
"We've got a bunch more around here somewhere..." said Leilong. He reached into a cabinet below the sink and pulled out a new microwave. "Yeah, here we go." He plugged it in. "So which one do we do next?"  
  
15 MINUTES LATER  
  
"AAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!" screamed Jukei.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHH!" screamed Hitoriga.  
  
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Leilong. The Geomancer was currently spiraling out of control through space. They had blown a hole in the hull through their brilliant plan of soaking the microwave thoroughly in water, then loading it up with forks, M-80s, and a turned-on flashlight. Yeah, it was a pretty dumb idea. But they were pretty dumb people, so it all really made sense.  
  
"WE'RE ALL DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" shrieked Jukei.  
  
........  
  
"Man, this is boring." complained Hazanko. "You'd think mindlessly trudging through a desert would be more exciting than this."  
  
"Hey, how about a joke to liven up the mood?" offered Tobeigera. "I can dish out the laughs for any occasion!"  
  
"Yay! Tell us a joke, Uncle Tobeigera!" giggled Hanmyo.  
  
"Alrighty then!" laughed Tobeigera. "Did you hear the one about the pirate movie with nudity in it?"  
  
"No." said Hazanko. "That's probably a good thing, right?"  
  
"It was rated AARRRRR!" laughed Tobeigera. "Ba dum tssh!"  
  
"What the hell was that?" asked Hazanko.  
  
"A starlit, shining pice of comedic genius!" said Tobeigera proudly.  
  
"No, not your stupid joke." said Hazanko. "THAT!" He was pointing to a shooting star that looked peculiarly like the Geomancer.  
  
"Hey, is that the Geomancer?" wondered Tobeigera.  
  
"Nah, it couldn't be." said Hazanko. "We left the ship in the hands of Jukei, Hitoriga, and Leilong. What could possibly go wrong?" They looked at each other. "OH MY GOD!" yelled Hazanko and he and Tobeigera ran towards where the shooting Geomancer was landing, Hanmyo struggling to keep up.  
  
........  
  
"Can't...go...on...much...longer..." moaned Aisha, collapsing on the ground. Our five heroes- GOD DAMN MY STUPID COMPUTER THAT FREEZES UP AND DELETED ALL THE WORK I MADE ON THIS STUPID CHAPTER JUST WHEN I HAD IT COMPLETED! Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. Stupid computer. Anyways, our five heroes were resting behind a large sand dune, conserving energy so that they could move on when it was dark. Pretty clever huh? Suzuka thought of that one. "I...can't...hungry..." moaned Aisha, rolling onto her side.  
  
"It doesn't look good Gene!" called Jim. "She's moved up from slurred speech to sentence fragments! If this keeps going we could have incoherent babbling by nightfall!"  
  
Gene was frustrated. He had no idea what to do about their current situation, or why everyone thought he knew. Seriously you guys, Gene's a dimwit. "Uh, take off all her clothes." said Gene, unsure. "That's probably what's making her so hot."  
  
"But Gene, wouldn't taking off all her clothes just make her more exposed to this desert's fierce elements and the sun's horrible ultraviolet rays?" wondered Jim skeptically. "Isn't that what we're trying to get rid of?"  
  
"YOU WILL DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO TO SAVE THIS WOMAN'S LIFE!" yelled Gene. "NOW STRIP HER DOWN!"  
  
"Yes sir." said Jim timidly.  
  
"That does it." said Suzuka. "Gene, you're not the leader any more."  
  
"What? Why not?" asked Gene.  
  
"Well, so far all you've done as our leader is make us take all our clothes off." shrugged Suzuka. "We're going nowhere. I suggest we dig little foxholes in the ground to sit in. We'll conserve more energy, it'll be cooler down there, and we may even find water."  
  
"Oh SURE Suzuka, that's a GREAT plan." said gene sarcastically. "What happens when it rains, huh? We'd DROWN, that's what! Besides, I'd think you'd be ALL FOR getting Aisha naked." he laughed.  
  
"GOD DAMMIT, YOU STUPID PERVERT!" yelled Suzuka. She hit him with one of her secret sword techniques and he flew away. She watched as he flew on and on, and landed in a lake. Wait, a lake? What? She gasped. "Oh my god, you guys! An oasis!" she yelled happily.  
  
And quite an oasis it was. Beautiful running water, sandy beaches, fish to eat, thick jungles... it had everything. It was now night time, everyone had eaten and drank their fill, and were off doing stuff. Aisha was still recovering, since she still didn't regain full use of her legs yet. Jim was out catching fish, and Suzuka was in the rainforest seraching for a sloth to keep as a pet. Yeah. Melfina and Gene were alone together on the beach.  
  
"Wow, it's so beautiful..." said Melfina, looking up at the stars.  
  
"It sure is." said Gene. He pointed to one of the stars. "That's the Sentinel system. My home."  
  
Melfina searched the sky. "I don't know where my home is. Maybe I never will." Tears began welling up in her eyes.  
  
"Now now..." said Gene comfortingly, putting his arm around her. "You may not have a home star, but everyone has a star of their very own. Their own speical star that defines who they are."  
  
"Really?" asked Melfina, her eyes widening.  
  
"Oh yes," said Gene. He briefly scanned the sky, then pointed at a star. "There. That one there's yours."  
  
She followed his gaze. "Oh, it's so beautiful!" she said, surprised. "But...how do you know it's mine?"  
  
"It's the brightest one, isn't it?" asked Gene. "It's suits you perfectly."  
  
"Now that you metnion it, it is very bright." she laughed. "Where's your special star?"  
  
"Mine's the same one." smiled Gene. "When two people are made for each other, they have to share one. Makes everything easier for God, or whoever." He tilted his head to the side. "Oh wait, that star's not ours. It looks like it's part of Orion's Belt. Oh well, it's a nice thought." Way to spoil the mood, you retard Gene.  
  
Suzuka returned from the jungle. "Damn! you'd think there'd be more sloths in a place like this!" she grumbled.  
  
Jim also returned from fishing. "Here you all go, fish all around!" he laughed. "Yum yum!"  
  
Aisha yawned and walked over. "What about the fish now?"  
  
"Look! Fish!" said Jim, holding up the fish proudly.  
  
"FISH! FISH! FISH!" yelled Aisha, eating the fish.  
  
Jim sighed. "That was SUPPOSED to feed us ALL." Jim sighed. "Oh well, I can always catch more."  
  
Aisha groaned. "This is the dumbest spring break ever."  
  
"You might say that, but this sure seems like fun to me." smiled Melfina. "Here we are, in this beautiful tropical getaway with no tourists, and all you guys can do is complain about it. Long days of sunbathing on the beach, maybe building a volleyball net, going swimming, eating delicious fried fish, and watching the sunset every night before falling asleep under the serene, starlit sky... I can't think of a better way to have a good time!"  
  
Gene laughed. "You know, Melfina's right. I've learned something today. Spring break isn't about the beer, the expensive vacations, the nonstop partying, the wet t-shirt contests..."  
  
"The waking up one morning and wondering where your clothes are and who that weird fat guy is you're sharing a bed with..." Suzuka said dreamily. "What?"  
  
"No," said Gene, putting an arm around Melfina. "spring break is about getting together with your good friends and having a hell of a good time!" Everyone looked at him with honor for his profound speech.  
  
Aisha coughed. "Although technically, we could have a wet t-shirt contest. We do have water, girls and everything usually required for that sort of thing." she said.  
  
Gene's face lit up. "By god, she's right! Jim fetch some water! Let's get this party started!"  
  
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Suzuka happily.  
  
------------------  
  
So that's that. This chapter took forever to write. It's all because of my stupid foolish brain and my stupid foolish computer. I forgive him though. Anyways, stop by next time for a hearty romp through the Outlaw Star universe, starring everyone's favorite people thing persons!  
  
Jet: What the HELL happened to the MacDougalls?  
  
MacDougalls? What MacDougalls?  
  
Jet: The only MacDougalls! The ones you forgot about!  
  
Oh. Uh, they went to Vegas. Yeah, Vegas. THey got bored of hanging out on Earth with Dave the Sunglasses Guy and took off.  
  
Jet: But isn't Vegas ON Earth?  
  
No. Yes. Shut up. 


	10. Yodeladeeodelay

Ah, another glorious pretty chapter ma-thang. Isn't it lovely? Hmm? SAY IT'S LOVELY! NOW!  
Jet: Uh, it's lovely.  
That's more like it. Anyways, welcome to the latest installment of The Party Ship, "the most partyin' story in the galaxy"™! In this exciting episode, lots of stuff happens. I don't want to give away to surprise ending!  
Jet: Oh god, at least tell them the truth! You're making this whole thing up as you go! No wonder there are plot holes large enough to pass a large solar system throu- *gets hit with frying pan*  
I warned you! Anyways, this is a phenomenal, million word chapter. I hop you don't have anything planned for the next few days, because this thing is a damn DICTIONARY! Yeah! World's longest stories: Stephen King's "The Stand", The Bible, and JHeman's "The Party Ship: The Tenth Chapter". It's taking up like 2 GB on my hard drive. Maybe. Whatever, read it.  
  
-------------  
  
It was a scorching hot, sand blasted, finger-licking good day on the planet Earth. Our heroes were trekking back to where they parked the Party Ship. Everyone was pretty energetic, due to eating lots of yummy fish after not eating anything for about a month, and the usual activities of spring break. Their spring break was totally awesome, since the game show Price is Right came to Earth on their tour and Aisha won our heroes a complete wine set. Yeah, go Aisha!  
"Alright, so that whipped cream ordeal is kept totally hush-hush." Suzuka said to the others. "I think we'd ALL like to scrub that one from our memory." They also came across a crapload of whipped cream, if I forgot to mention it before.  
"I wouldn't wanna forget it at all!" laughed Aisha. "That was awesome!"  
"I'll say!" laughed Jim.  
"Look, that whole thing was a total mistake." said Gene. "If I wasn't under the influence of alcohol at the time, I would have never done...that. Suzuka, I'm very sorry. I've taken something from you I can never give back, and I want to apologize." Suzuka stared at him.  
"What the hell are you talking about?" wondered Suzuka. "I'm referring to the whipped cream fight I started."  
"Oh, I guess we're talking about different whipped cream ordeals." shrugged Gene. "Forget I said anything." Suzuka was about delve further into this strange new information, but they had finally reached the ship! Woohoo!  
"Yahoo!" yelled Gene, running over to the ship. "Open the hatch, Gilliam!"  
"Oh goodness! Is that really you?" came the familiar voice of Gilliam. "You all had me worried sick! Now all of you get inside before you catch your death of cold!"  
They all looked around. "Uh, it's about 120 degrees out here." said Jim.  
"I know, but it's supposed to drop to 110 tonight. Gene, maybe you should chop some firewood." said Gilliam.  
  
.......  
  
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! OH SWEET JESUS WAKE UP!!!" yelled Hazanko, panicking. He was currently at the ruins of the Geomancer, in the process of shaking Jukei and Leilong vigorously since they were unconcious. "OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF JESUS WAKE UP!!!"  
"Dude, they're alive." said Tobeigera. "I think you just snapped their necks from the vigorous shaking and whatnot."  
"Oh..." said Hazanko. "Well, it's nothing a few band-aids can't patch up, right?" He dug around in his robe for a bit, then pulled out a small box of band-aids. He began attaching them to Jukei and Leilong in various places.  
"Hang on, what about Hitoriga?" wondered Tobeigera. "Wasn't he on board the ship too?"  
"What? Oh yeah, I guess he's probably around here somewhere." shrugged Hazanko.  
Tobeigera looked around. "And where's Hanmyo? Wasn't she with us?"  
Hazanko stood up and examined his surroundings. Seeing no Hanmyos about, he responded: "Eh, she'll be alright. She's almost eight years old. Old enough to take care of herself."  
"Do you think it's right to take such a passive attitude about this?" wondered Tobeigera worriedly. "I mean, the desert is a big place..."  
"Stop being serious." said Hazanko. "I don't pay you to be serious. Tell a joke or something."  
"Oh..." Tobeigera sighed. "Uh, what's your name?"  
"Hazanko." replied Hazanko.  
"What's the color of the sky?" asked Tobeigera  
"Blue." answered Hazanko.  
"Which way's the sun?" asked Tobeigera.  
"Up." said Hazanko.  
"Hazanko blew up." chortled Tobeigera. His laughter died down to an extended sigh. "I hate this damn job."  
  
.........  
  
"So where are we going?" wondered Jim, looking at his teammates. They were aboard the Party Ship, and were flying around the galaxy looking for adventure, as usual.  
"Blue Heaven, where else?" said Gene. "We need food and fun, and there's nothing better than Blue Heaven for that sort of thing."  
"Blue Heaven?" asked Aisha. "I have relatives there!"  
"Really?" asked Jim. "What kind of relatives?"  
"Um, well my brother's the town drunk..." shrugged Aisha.  
"The town drunk of BLUE HEAVEN?!" Suzuka remarked. "Yeah right. It doesn't exist."  
"No, I'm serious!" shouted Aisha. "He's won Blue Heaven Magazine's "Town Drunk Award" the past 5 years in a row!"  
Gene whistled. "That's a lot of town drunking!"  
"Gene, are you just pretending to know what we're talking about so you can be in the conversation again?" asked Suzuka.  
"No! Uh...I...yes." said Gene guiltily.  
"Hate to break up your conversation about Gene breaking up your conversation," said Gilliam. "But we are nearing Blue Heaven."  
"Yeehaw!" yodeled Jim.  
"Uh." said Gene. "What the hell was that?"  
"What?" wondered Jim.  
"The, uh, the yodel." said Gene, staring.  
"Oh." said Jim. "That was my...yodel..."  
"Uh huh, that's obvious." said Gene. "Why?"  
"Damn, you caught me." sighed Jim. "I'm planning on entering this yodeling contest on Blue Heaven. The prize is 400,000 wong! I've been practicing in secret for weeks." Everyone laughed.  
"AHAHAHAHA! Yodeleeeodelaydeedodelaaayyyy!" mimicked Suzuka.  
"Dodeldeedadoodledelodleeeee!" laughed Aisha.  
"Odeladeydolelodelday!" mocked Gene.  
"Yodledaydeemodleodeldaysodelfaroddeldeedodeldaymaraysa dayoldelaydeerahadelrannaymelleedadeyodleeeeee!" laughed Melfina. "You're a retard, Jim!" Everyone stared at her strangely for a moment, then went back to staring at Jim strangely. Just then, a big rumble rocked the ship.  
"We have docked with Blue Heaven." said Gilliam. "Gene, don't forget to pick up some ramen while you're out there. I think we're out."  
"Don't worry about it." Gene said. Our five heroes left the ship, to explore and fine excitement and happiness! They were walking down Main Street, trying to decide what to do first.  
"I dunno about you guys, but I'm going to the local tavern to visit my brother!" said Aisha happily. "Any of you guys wanna come?"  
"Count me in!" laughed Suzuka. "Town drunk of Blue Heaven. Yeah right. We'll see about that!"  
"Eh, I'm coming too." said Gene. "What ELSE is there to do around here?"  
"Uh, I guess I'll come..." said Melfina. "I mean, everyone else is."  
"Woohoo! Let's go!" laughed Jim.  
"Whoa, not so fast mister underage." said Gene. "I think you'll have to skip out on this one, Jim."  
"Go practice your yodeling or whatever." shrugged Aisha. "This is ADULT'S night out." Man Aisha, that was cold.  
"What's the big deal?" asked Jim. "I always drink with you guys when we're alone."  
"Public bars aren't as disrespectful to the laws of the universe as we are." said Suzuka. "They demand age 21 or older."  
"I'll do something with Jim while you guys go to the bar." smiled Melfina. "I didn't really want to go that bad anyway. We'll go to the mall or something."  
"YAY! CHUCKIE CHEESE!" yelled Jim. "I mean, I am very mature. definitely mature enough to go to some bar."  
"Whatever Jim." said Gene. "Just hang out with Melfina for a while and have a good time." He winked. "Bet you can't beat my high score at skee-ball!"  
"OH YEAH?! OH YEAH!?" yelled Jim. "Let's go Melfina! We'll show him!" He grabbed Melfina by the arm and dragged her to Chuckie Cheese.  
"There. Crisis averted." said Gene. The three of them walked through the winding streets of Blue Heaven, trying to find this stupid tavern. They didn't talk much, and when they did talk it wasn't about anything interesting. Actually, they DID have a pretty neat conversation about how vegetarians eat tacos, but I forgot most of it. The part I remember went something like this.  
  
Aisha: They've got weird tofu tacos! I saw a vegetarian once! He was eating a weird tofu taco! Gene: No! They eat 'em with caviar! This one guy had a super caviar-taco! I swear! And he was shooting lasers from his eyes! FROM HIS EYES! Suzuka: Isn't caviar just made out of fish anyways? What would be the point of that? Gene: No! It's chicken! Aisha: Chicken is made out of caviar?  
  
You get the idea. Wow, lost track of time there. They're already here. Anyways, Gene walked up to a bouncer by the door. "Here's my ID!" he proclaimed, giving his ID to the guy.  
He examined it closely. "Hmmm...this looks fake." he said.  
"What?" exclaimed Gene. "It's totally real!"  
"Yeah, sure. Take a hike, you loser." he said.  
"But...it really is real..." Gene said.  
"Uh huh, yeah. Next in line, please!" he yelled. Suzuka and Aisha walked up to him.  
"I'm gonna need to see some ID, ladies." the bouncer said. "Heh, just kidding. Get in there and raise hell, you cuties!"  
"No problem!" laughed Aisha. "See ya later Gene!"  
"What?! Hey! Get back here!" protested Gene. "What about me?"  
"What ABOUT you, buddy?" said the bouncer. "Now get outta here. You're lucky I don't report you to the police."  
  
.........  
  
"You're sure he's here?" asked Suzuka. "Couldn't he be at his house or something?"  
"Nope. He has a house, but I don't think he's set foot in it for years." said Aisha. "He mostly just hitchikes around the city for no reason all night."  
"Wow, that sounds fun." said Suzuka. "I'm gonna have to try that."  
"Trust me, it's not as fun if you're a girl." said Aisha. "Oh hey, there's brother Reno now!" They made their way through the crowded tavern to the bar. Sitting there was a ragged, unshaven Ctarl-Ctarl. He had the trademark Ctarl Ctarl long white hair, and deep brown eyes. He was also wearing a faded Morbid Angel shirt.  
"Oooooh!" said Reno, once Aisha and Suzuka finally reached him. "Don't see too many Ctarl Ctarl around here! What're you doing later tonight, baby?"  
Aisha laughed. "Reno, it's me!" she paused. Reno looked at her. "Your brother!" Reno stared at her, confused. "Aisha."  
"Oh! Hey Aisha!" he laughed. "Man, you've just gotten so beautiful! I could hardly recognize you!"  
"Oh, well I-hey! What's that supposed to mean?!" asked Aisha indignantly.  
"And who's this lovely lady you're with?" continued Reno, looking at Suzuka.  
"I'm Suzuka." said Suzuka. "My annoying, conceited, strange and overly hyper Ctarl Ctarl comrades call me Suzu."  
"Then I shall call you Suzu." said Reno. He turned to the bartender. "Two beers for my lovely lady friends, and six more for me!"  
Suzuka gulped. "SIX more!?"  
"Yeah Suzu," said Reno. "You don't get to be the official town drunk five years in a row by slacking off!" he chuckled.  
Suzuka clenched her fists. "I challenge you to a drinking match!" Everyone in the the bar stopped what they were doing and looked at her. Some old guys who were playing cards dropped their hands immediately. A man fled the tavern screaming. Everyone stood up and moved towards the walls.  
"Jeez, you stupid villagers are you damn dramatic! Do you guys have to do this every time someone challenges me to drinking contest?" shouted Reno.  
"You were the one who asked us to intimidate your opponents by acting scared." said a guy. "When do I get paid?"  
"Enough! Do you accept my challenge?" asked Suzuka, grating her teeth.  
Reno laughed. "Do I ever! Don't worry Suzu, I'll go easy on you. I'd let you win, but I have a reputation to defend, you know?"  
Suzuka turned to Aisha. "Aisha, can you believe the ego on your brother here? Thinks he's god's gift to drinking contests!"  
"I don't wanna get involved." she said. "Just don't get carried away, alright?"  
"Yeah right!" said Suzuka, rolling her eyes. "You know I have better control over myself than that!"  
"No no, I mean literally carried away. On a stretcher." said Aisha. Suzuka rolled her eyes again and began the match.  
"Alright." said Reno. "The rules are simple. We each drink one pint a round. The one who goes the most rounds without passing out or dying wins."  
"Sounds good to me!" yelled Suzuka, getting pumped up.  
  
55 MINUTES LATER, AT 14 SHOTS A MINUTE!  
  
"Ouch...oh god...I think I tore a hole in my stomach wall..." Suzuka moaned, then collapsed on the ground.  
"Do you surrender?" laughed Reno happily. Suzuka gurgled. "Alright then! Victory for Reno!"  
Aisha ran over to Suzuka. She slapped her a few times. Then she poked her in the eyes with her large fingernails. Suzuka had no response. "Should we rush her to the hospital?"  
"Nah, she'll be fine." replied Reno. "I've seen people with HALF her alcohol tolerance drink more."  
Suzuka moaned and sat up slowly. "I... I don't understand. I thought I was good at drinking!" she slurred, "All my skills are mere figments of my imagination!"  
"Huh?" wondered Reno.  
"I thought I was good at gambling, but I lost everything I owned (plus a few things I didn't own) to some middle aged guy with a top hat!" sobbed Suzuka. "And here I thought I was good at drinking, but I lost a drinking contest to this crazy drunken Morbid Angel fan!"  
"I'm not a fan. I dug this shirt outta the dumpsters." said Reno. "This place has a really strict 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service' policy."  
"Plus, it's a lot better than half the clothes YOU dig out of the dumpster, Suzu." shrugged Aisha.  
"That's entirely beside the point." said Suzuka. "All I'm saying is that I suck! I bet I'm not even that great of a sword master as I think I am either!" Suddenly, a little kid walked up to her. He had to be about 6 years old.  
"Hey dere lady! Wanna pway a sword fight?" mumbled the kid. He had a little wooden pirate sword. "I bet I can beat you!"  
"NOT A CHANCE!" yelled Suzuka. "BRING IT ON, KID!" She unsheathed her sword...  
  
5 MINUTES LATER!  
  
"Yay! Yay! I win!" yelled the kid. "Mommy! Mommy! I won! I beat Twilight Suzuka in a sword fight!" Suzuka lay on the ground panting. The kid's mom walked over.  
"Now now dear!" she said, rolling her eyes. She picked him up. "That lady's too bad at swordfighting to be the real Twilight Suzuka and you know it!" About then Suzuka jumped up and ran from the tavern screaming.  
  
...........  
  
"Come on Jim!" laughed Gene. "If you really wanna prove your manliness, then head into that gas station, act old, and buy some beer! Piece of cake! Open and shut mission!"  
"I dunno..." said Jim. "I don't think they'll fall for it."  
"Come on, you look 21!" argued Gene.  
"No I don't!" shouted Jim. "I don't even look 11!"  
"Hang on..." said Gene, looking around in his pockets. He pulled a small card out of one of them. "I found this at some guy's house I was poking around in one day. It's a driver's license. See, just cover up the moustache and the beard and the hair, and it looks just like you without hair!"  
"Uh, no thanks." said Jim. "I'll rely on my adult persuasion to do this." He walked through the doors of the gas station, then walked down to the beer aisle. "Hmmm... let's see." he looked over the titles of the beers, trying to find one that looked interesting. He got a wide variety, since he didn't know which ones were good and which ones were bad. He walked up to the checkout counter carrying his big bag of beer.  
"Um...okay. I am definitely gonna need to see some ID here." said the guy working the register.  
"What, don't I look like I'm 21?" asked Jim innocently.  
"No, you actually look more about 8. 9 maybe. Even THAT'S pushing it." said the guy.  
"Damn. Was it the Power Rangers sneakers and the Pokemon t-shirt that gave me away?" asked Jim.  
"Yes, that's part of it." said the guy, blinking.  
  
........  
"Suzuka! Stop! Wait up!" called Aisha. She was chasing her through the busy streets of Blue Heaven.  
"I don't wanna stop! Leave me alone!" yelled Suzuka. "I'm gonna keep on running and running and running until I trip and fall into a lake or something!" I guess she had this all planned out. She ran and ran. She wasn't looking where she was going though, and ran into a sign. She fell backwards. "Owwwww..." She rubbed her head, then looked up at the sign. "Dr. William T. Defret, Psychiatrist." she read.  
Aisha caught up to her. "Yeah, I was hoping to chase you here. This is the office of Dr. Defret, my psychiatrist! He's the best there is, and I'm willing to bet he could help you out too!"  
Suzuka jumped up. "What!? I don't need a psychiatrist! My system is just thrown out of whack from eating all that fish, that's all."  
"I dunno," said Aisha. "Dr. Defret says that all physical problems can be traced back to mental or emotional problems. And you have a lot of problems!"  
"Hey! No I don't!" shouted Suzuka.  
"Do so!" yelled Aisha.  
"Do not!" countered Suzuka.  
"Do so!" screamed Aisha.  
A man with a short beard walked out of the house they were arguing in front of. "What's all the ruckus?" he yelled. "Are you the guys who are supposed to mow the lawn?"  
"Hi Dr. Defret!" laughed Aisha. "How's it going?"  
"Oh. It's you." he sighed. "Did you have an appointment scheduled?"  
"Nope! I've got a new customer for you!" she laughed. "Her name's Suzuka!"  
"What!? I never said I was goin-" Suzuka started.  
"Ah, splendid!" cheered Dr. Defret. "Come on in! First visit is free!"  
"Thank you for the offer, but I really don't want to-" she said politely. Or tried to say.  
"No time to waste! Come on in!" Dr. Defret grabbed he by the wrist and pulled her into his house.  
"Have fun Suzu!" called Aisha. "The ink blots are hard but if you pass them then you're A-OK!" Dr. Defret shut the door and turned on a light. He motioned towards the standard psychiatrist-issue couch.  
"Well, take a seat! We best get started!" he said. Suzuka sighed. Ah well, at least it was free.  
Dr. Defret sat down in his own chair and pulled out a little clipboard and a pen. He started writing things down. "Alright. So, why are you here?" he asked.  
"I don't really know. I pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me, but Aisha seemed intent on bringing me here." she said.  
"I see." said Dr. Defret, writing in his book as he spoke aloud to himself. "Has a strong dependance on Ctarl Ctarl friend to make decisions. Too insecure to make her own choices." He looked back at Suzuka.  
"What is your biggest fear, Ms. Suzuka?" he asked her.  
"Myself." she admitted.  
He stopped writing. "Care to...elaborate?"  
"Well, when I was nine years old I was already a natural with my sword. I loved to use it and hit people with it. But one day I got a little carried away..." Her eyes glazed over. "I...killed an innocent lady one day. It was a total accident, I didn't mean to hurt anyone! I was so scared... I hid her body in an old warehouse. Someone discovered her a week later, but they never traced her back to me. I got away scot free. Sometimes I wish I had been punished. She was such a nice lady. Now not a day goes by when I'm haunted by the guilt of my cruel cruel act so many years ago."  
Dr. Defret stared at her. "Um, okay. I...uh..." he coughed. "Wow. Um, tell me about your mother."  
"I just told you about her." said Suzuka, confused.  
Dr. Defret blinked. "Alright." He held up some ink blot cards. "Tell me what each one looks like to you." He began showing her the cards.  
"Alright. Uh, a sword. Some guy screaming. Blood." Suzuka said as he changed the cards. "A corpse. Some knives. A guy hanging himself. A coffin. Two girls making out. A pile of blood soaked screaming corpses."  
"Interesting." said Dr. Defret, taking notes. "Alright, from the notes I've taken, I can safely deduce that you are questioning your sexuality. Your body is confused. You are so disgusted with the men in your life that you are considering turning to the only other option."  
"WHAT?!!" yelled Suzuka. "THAT'S BULL!"  
"No, it's quite true. You may not notice it yet, but embedded in your psyche is a raging lesbian just waiting to come out." Dr. Defret said, nodding his head.  
"How did you get THAT from what I told you?" asked Suzuka, bewildered. She pointed and her head. "Isn't this the mind of a tortured, insane soul?"  
"Well yeah, but you already knew that." he said. "But the lesbian thing! You didn't see that coming in a million years, eh?"  
"I refuse to believe you. I'm proudly straight, and there's no way you're gonna convince me otherwise." said Suzuka, crossing her arms.  
"Fine, suit yourself." shrugged Dr. Defret. He loked at his watch. "Whoa, look at the time! I've got another appointment! See ya later, Ms. Suzuka! Give my regards to Aisha, won't you?" He shoved Suzuka out the door. A familiar looking guy entered the room after she left.  
"Ah, good evening Mr. Luo! How's the relaxing Taiwan music working out?" he asked.  
"It's going great! I'm sleeping much easier and my feet have never felt cleaner!" laughed Fred.  
Dr. Defret laughed. "Well, we both know that you're not here for chit chat. What mental anguish do you need me to cease now?"  
Fred took a seat on the couch. "The hollow pursuit of money without happiness."  
"There's no such thing! Money lives and breathes happiness! Happiness is a direct by product of money! If it weren't for money, everyone would be sad, angsty zombies!" yelled Dr. Defret, standing up.  
"Wow! I feel so much better now! Thanks for your advice!" laughed Fred. He stood up and walked out the door. "See ya later!"  
  
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]  
  
"Hi kids! My name's Mr. Bob, and I'm here to speak on behalf of Meow Mix, the greatest cereal ever!" laughed Mr. Bob, a middle-aged balding guy in a suit.  
"It's not cereal! It's cat food!" whispered a camera guy from off stage.  
"Oh. Best CAT FOOD ever. Sorry, my mistake." shrugged Mr. Bob. "And now, we have a special guest today to talk to us about just what makes Meow Mix so damn awesome!" Then there were a whole bunch of cheesy teleporting effects, and Aisha appeared in the room.  
"Hey! Where the hell am I?" wondered Aisha.  
"You're on the set of the new Meow Mix commercial!" said Mr. Bob. "Tell our viewers what you think of our fine product!"  
"What?! I don't eat Meow Mix!" yelled Aisha. "That's ...uh, appearance-al sterotyping! I prefer Alpo."  
Mr. Bob stared at her. "But... Alpo is DOG food."  
"So? It tastes better." said Aisha. "Plus, you can get three little cans of Alpo for the price of ONE Taco Bell taco! How's THAT for value?"  
Mr. Bob rolled his eyes. "Look, can you just sing the Meow Mix song for us? We'll send you back to your own universe if you do."  
"Uh, sure." said Aisha. Then she started to sing. "Meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow! I want chick-en! I want liv-er!" Windows in the studio broke. The lights flickered on and off. Some people panicked. Most people just either had seizures or died. "Meow mix, meow mix! Please de-liv-er!" When the dust settled, and the corpses of the studio people and finished being tossed around like old rag dolls in the midst of her off-scale warbling, Mr. Bob arose from the twisted burning wreckage and sent Aisha back home. They never spoke of this event again, and when they did they got totally freaked out from the memories and commited suicide. Expert psychotherapy cannot cure everything, and one of those things is Aisha's singing. Kids, if you or someone you know is listening to Aisha's singing, TELL someone. And remember, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.  
  
This has been a public service announcement.  
  
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]  
  
"Rumty tum tum. Fixin' up the spaceship. Doo dee do dah." sang Gene as he repaired some damage to the Party Ship. He had no idea how the damage got there, or what it was, but there always seemed to be something wrong with the ship and so he was determined to keep searching until he found it. Gene's logic confuses me too.  
"Hey Gene!" called Jim. "What the heck are you doing?"  
"Hey Jim!" called Gene, rolling his eyes. "Why say heck instead of hell?"  
Jim looked startled, then decided to change the subject. "Sorry about that whole... beer incident today. I messed up."  
"Eh, it's not a problem." said Gene. "Now you know that 'Wine Cooler' isn't a flavor of Capri Sun, huh?" He chuckled.  
Jim stared at him. "What the hec-... uh, hell are you talking about? I'm talking about the whole thing with me getting caught trying to buy beer underage."  
"Oh..." Gene paused. "We must be thinking of different beer incidents today. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else."  
"I guess so." said Jim. They both looked down at Suzuka, who had just entered the room. Or... not really a room. Giant ship repair hangar would be more accurate.  
"Oh, hey Suzuka!" called Gene. "How did your big psychiatrist thing go today?"  
Suzuka looked up at him. "Oh, Aisha told you about that?" she sighed and sat down on a couch that was inexplicably in this big greasy repair bay. "I dunno. Went okay I guess."  
Gene looked down at her. She looked so sad. I mean, it's not like she was usually a bundle of hyperactive adrenaline, but she still seemed sadder than usual. "What's the matter? Did he tell you you were a lesbian or something?" he joked.  
Suzuka's eyes went wide. "Uh, no. N-nothing like that."  
"That's good." said Gene. "Man, you'd never hear the end of it from me if that were true." he laughed. "I mean, I've been make jokes about you being a homo for some time now, but imagine if it were true!" he chuckled to himself. "Endless ridicule, nonstop hilarity! This place would be awesome! Alas, I suppose it was never meant to be."  
Suzuka stared at him. "Um, yeah. I guess not." Suddenly, a flurry of bone chillingly cheesy laser-teleporty effects engulfed the room. When they ceased, Aisha had appeared on the couch next to Suzuka.  
"Haha! Woo! That was a rush!" she yelled, waving her arms around in the air and making various kicking and punching motions. "Meow mix commercials kick ass!" Everyone stared at her. "What? They do."  
"That's probably the weirdest thing I've heard all day." remarked Jim.  
"Nah, the weirdest was Melfina yodeling." said Gene. "That reminds me, don't you have a yodeling whatever to get to?"  
"AAAAAH! HOLY CRAP!" Jim yelled. He looked at his watch. "IT STARTS IN 15 MINUTES!" Then a whole bunch of funny I'm in a hurry antics ensued. You know, kind of like on those olod sitcoms like Happy Days. Except a million times cooler. First, Jim was screaming stuff like "I GOTTA SHAVE! I GOTTA SHAVE!" Even though he was like 10 years old.  
Aisha, grateful for any opportunity to run around screaming, grabbed random people's clothes and handed them to Jim yelling "HERE'S YOUR COAT! GET GOING!" She also kept on telling him he was like half an hour late even though he was still early. Ah, helpful helpful Aisha. Eventually Jim got out the door and into his car. He blazed down the road at top speed, the only thought in his mind winning the yodeling contest. Well, that and wondering who put all those pipes everywhere in those old Mario games, but he always wondered about that.  
  
MEANWHILE, IN A COP CAR ON THE ROAD JIM WAS DRIVING ON.  
  
"Hey Jake! We got us a speeding car! Why, he's going 100 miles an hour!" said a cop urgently. "Let's go get 'im!"  
"Forget that, Barley." said Jake, the other cop. "We don't wanna fill out any more paperwork for today."  
"But lookit how fast he's going!" yelled Barley. "He's liable to get a speeding ticket if he ain't careful!"  
"He's already gone. Just let him go." said Jake. "You don't want hand cramps from filling out all that paperwork, do you?"  
"Well, I guess not..." said Barley, confused. "But isn't that against the law? Aren't we ILLEGAL CRIMINALS?!" Barley started freaking out and repeatedly hitting his head on the dashboard. "I'M A BAD BOY! MAMA DIDN'T WANT ME TO START NO TROUBLE! I JUST WANNA BE A GOOD GUY!" Then Jake hit him with a frying pan. You will probably never hear from these cops again. I'm tired.  
Anyways, Jim showed up at the dumb hick rodeo yodel place. "Hi there, Jim Hawking's the name!" he said to the yodel competition sign-up guy. "I like yodeling."  
"Alrighty then little feller, I've got you marked down as the 45th contestant." he said. He flipped through some papers on his clipboard. "Let's see... that would put you... in between the 44th and the 46th contestant. That sound about right?"  
"Yeah, that sounds great!" said Jim.  
"Well alrighty then. Have a good show, pardner!" laughed the hick, then he walked away. Jim walked up onto the big stage and stood in his correct number-spot, and waited for the show to begin. He didn't have to wait long since he was actually about 5 minutes late.  
"Howdy y'all, and welcome to the 653rd annual Nebraskadopia yodelin' contest!" yelled the judge, even though he was speaking into a microphone. "Ever since Nebraska became legally not a state of the United States of America way back in the year 2010, and then was ressurrected as it's own subdivision of the Heiphon system, we've taken our yodeling very seriously. And that's why I'm proud to be the judge of this year's competition! Thank you!" He then went and sat down in a folding chair with the word 'JUDJE' written on the back in permanent marker. "Let it begin!"  
Jim was really nervous waiting for his turn. Being the 45th person, he had a long way to go. The first person was some lady. She gave a hugely long yodel. It was kind of repetetive though. "YODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODEL!" She probably got docked for that. Number 14 was a guy with a poorly shaven beard who just told everyone that he thought it was a cooking competition and that he'd never yodeled in his life. Number 29 was Gwen Kahn. He had a weird yodel that was interspersed with bits of interpretive dance. Nobody really understood it. Number 33 was a guy who couldn't talk and did strange sign-language yodeling. All in all it was a crazy and retarded experience. Before he knew it it was his turn. Jim walked up to the microphone nervously, then unleased the greatest yodel in history. It was brilliant, engaging and whimsical. It brought to light some touchy subjects about society, and had hidden subliminal messages that said "I ROCK AT YODELING". It was a truly amazing experience. It was so awesome that the judge fainted and had to be taken to the hospital. Of course, he was in no condition to award the giant cash prize to anyone.  
"Well SHIT." swore Jim.  
The moral of this story is that overachieving is good sometimes, but for everything that isn't school it's kind of pointless. The other moral is to not get carried away writing your chapters otherwise they'll be like 20 pages long (that's seriously how big this one is). So, TO BE CONTINUED is your best friend! Unfortunately, I do not approve of such practices. That is why I have novel-length chapters. Cool huh?  
  
--------------  
  
And that's that! Remember kids, a review a day keeps the doctors away, so write write write!  
Jet: Crap! We've got a serious doctor situation in Sector Five! They've broken through! I repeat, they've broken through!  
Damn! How's the rest of the ship holding up?  
Jet: Badly sir! They're approaching from all sides! This is no minor skirmish! They're launching a full-on attack!  
Fire the anti-doctor cannons! Fire!  
Jet: It's too late! They've taken out the weapons stations! We're doomed!  
It's never too late with me at the helm! Seal off the bridge! Make sure they can't get through to us! This is important since we are the only people on the ship.  
Jet: Roger! Now propping numerous chairs up against the door!  
What!? That's all we've got?!  
Jet: We used the rest to protect the snacks, sir! *sounds of crashing from the other side of the door, we see a scalpel break through the door*  
Doctor: We're coming for yoooooouuuu!  
Me and Jet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
Will our heroes escape the doctor threat? Will we survive? I dunno! It all depends on you reviewers now! You see, we need reviews to charge our anti-doctor cannons. This is the final apocalyptic battle between man and doctor, and the outcome in your hands. (Make us win.) 


	11. Meet Maximus

Well jeez, it looks like another lovely handsome day. Better write a chapter or something. This is the first chapter I've entirely thrown out the thought of 'storyline', and just ad-libbed the whole mess. Except maybe Chapter 7. Man, that one was awesome. Anyways, let's see how this goes.  
  
Jet: What about the doctors?  
  
Doctors? What doctors?  
  
Jet: You know, the doctors that were threatening our lives.  
  
The readers wrote some great reviews, I guess. I don't wanna think about those damn doctors. Just shut up, I'm tired.  
  
Jet: Fine...fine... *mumbling* you lazy bastard.  
  
WHAT WAS THAT?!?  
  
Jet: Uh, nuthin'.  
  
YES IT WAS! YOU CALLED ME A LAZY BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SLEEPY PERSON THAT WAY! I'M DOCKING YOUR SALARY!  
  
Jet: :(  
  
I can already tell this is going to be a bad chapter, but read it anyway.  
  
--------------------  
  
Gene was walking along inside a library. He was looking for a book. I mean, what else are you going to do in a library? They already finished the children's book reading time, and that was pretty much the only reason Gene went into libraries. "Hmmm... Hank the Cowdog... Would that be under reference?" wondered Gene, looking through the shelves of books. "I'm missing the latest adventure..." He wasn't looking where he was going, and so he bumped into a woman who was also looking for a book, knocking her down. "Oh, sorry about that." said Gene, reaching down to give her a hand. "Didn't see you there."  
  
She giggled and stood up. "Oh, it's no trouble at all." she smiled. It was about now that Gene noticed that she was very pretty.  
  
"Hey, you wanna go party or something?" he asked sheepishly.  
  
"By party, do you mean actually partying or are you implying acts of a sexual nature?" she asked.  
  
"I didn't understand most of those words, but I noticed the word 'sex' in there, and yeah I guess that's pretty much all I'm after." he shrugged.  
  
"Perv!" she said, hitting him with a hardcover copy of Stephen King's 'It'.  
  
Gene lay bloodied and gasping for air on the ground. "Have mercy..." he choked, "At least switch to something shorter, like the unabridged dictionary."  
  
She sighed. "If you insist, weakling." then she began beating him to death with the unabridged dictionary.  
  
"Ah, much better." Gene said, sighing with relief. "Ow! Oooh! Ow! My body! Ow! Can't you hit me anywhere other than THERE!? Ouch!" Hm. This is a weird way to start the chapter. Oh well.  
  
...........  
  
"So, Gene is gone for the day?" asked Suzuka.  
  
"Yep, he was beaten nearly to death with a whole bunch of Stephen King novels." sighed Jim. "I'm gonna miss him if he DIES." They were all hanging out in their special house thing. You know, their house thing they have on Heiphon.  
  
Suzuka stood up. "Well, I hope he gets better. Meanwhile, I've got a blind date Fred set me up with."  
  
"A blind date set up by FRED?" asked Jim. "Isn't that a little dangerous?"  
  
"It's a LOT dangerous. But Fred told me he's a really nice guy." said Suzuka, heading out the door. "Later."  
  
"Fred thinks everyone's a nice guy." said Jim, crossing his arms. "Ah well, see ya. Have fun."  
  
Aisha entered the room, yawning. "Hey, where's Suzu going?"  
  
"Who?" wondered Jim, flipping through a newspaper. "Oh, Suzuka. She's going on a blind date with some guy Fred set her up with."  
  
"Ooo." said Aisha. "Sounds like fun. Wish I could go!" She looked around. "Something's different about this room."  
  
"Huh? Oh, I put in a NEW COFFEE TABLE!" shouted Jim, tossing aside his newspaper, standing up and pointing at the coffee table. "Meet the Coffee Table Maximus, the awesomest coffee table in the universe!"  
  
"Uh, hi there Mr. Maximus." Aisha said, waving to the coffee table.  
  
Jim coughed. "Use his full name please."  
  
"Oh. Hi there Mr. Coffee Table Maximus. I'm Aisha. Pleasure to meet you." said Aisha. Maximus remained silent.  
  
"I think he likes you." said Jim.  
  
"No WAY! You really think so?" giggled Aisha, blushing.  
  
"Totally!" laughed Jim.  
  
"Omigod! Is my hair okay?" wondered Aisha. "He must think I'm a total spaz!" she cried and ran away.  
  
Jim sighed. "Pffff. Nice work, MAXIMUS. You broke her heart."  
  
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]  
  
Announcer: Doo doo doo dee doo! Coming this week on Bravo! The wildly anticipated spinoff of the hugely popular Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes... QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY: OUTLAW STAR EDITION. *various shots of people getting into cars and stuff*  
  
Announcer: Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch your favorite questionable sexuality Outlaw Star characters make over people across the universe! Now, meet the new Queer Eye team!  
  
FRED! *shot of Fred winking* GILLIAM! *shot of little pink Gilliam-bot in a skirt* TOBEIGERA! *shot of Tobeigera giving a thumbs up* HARRY MACDOUGALL! *shot of Harry kicking the camera* uh, and just for the hell of it: JHEMAN! *shot of Me*  
  
Me: Wait, what the hell?  
  
Announcer: Watch this sample clip of our queer guys making over the Saurian, General Duuz! *shot of car driving up to a house we can only presume is Duuz's. The 4 queer guys and one totally awesome straight guy get out of the car and ring Duuz's doorbell*  
  
Duuz: *answers* Who are you guys? What do you want?  
  
Gilliam: *perched on Fred's shoulder* We're the....  
  
All: QUEER GUYS!!!! *rainbows and flowers fly everywhere*  
  
Me: God, I can't believe I just said that.  
  
Harry: We're here to give you a queer makeover!  
  
Duuz: I don't need a queer makeover. I just got a perfectly good straight makeover the other day.  
  
Fred: Oh, but ours are better! MUCH BETTER!  
  
Duuz: Well, if you insist. *welcomes us into his house*  
  
Gilliam: Oh NO! What horrors are these?! CHARTREUSE WALLPAPER?!  
  
Fred: My blind, heterosexual GRANDMOTHER has better taste in wall hangings than you!  
  
Harry: You have LINOLEUM in your living room?!  
  
Duuz: Uh, actually this is my bathroom.  
  
Harry: *sigh* Silly silly Duuz. A man's bathroom IS his living room!  
  
Duuz: It is?  
  
Harry: 'Cha! Now get rid of this lifeless and uninspired wall sculpture and add some COLOR!  
  
Duuz: ...My toothbrush holder?  
  
Harry: Whatever you want to call it. I call it avant garde bullshit!  
  
Announcer: See all our queer guys' work pay off on the big night!  
  
Me: Two different plaids?! TWO DIFFERENT PLAIDS?! Are you even TRYING??  
  
Duuz: I thought it was a very blunt statement. You know, really make me stand out in a crowd.  
  
Me: You don't want to stand out! You wanna blend in! Be mellow! Duuz: Ah, so THAT'S it.  
  
Tobeigera: No! He's wrong! You need VIBRANCE! COLOR! FLAMBOYANCE! PANACHE! All that good stuff! Express yourself!  
  
Duuz: No, I think JHeman has a point.  
  
Me: Yeah! You're all WRONG, Tobeigera!  
  
Tobeigera: You wanna START something, straight-boy?!  
  
Me: You bet I do! I never liked you, Tobeigera! That's why I write you being so dumb in my story!  
  
Tobeigera: *leaps at me* YYAARRR! THIS IS FOR THAT CRAPPY PIRATE JOKE YOU MADE ME TELL! *begins strangling me*  
  
Me: *cough...hack* Dying...  
  
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE  
  
Duuz: Valeria, will you marry me?  
  
Valeria: Oh Duuz! Of course I will! *they kiss*  
  
BACK INSIDE  
  
Fred: Hooray! Alright, cheers you guys! *holds up wineglass*  
  
Harry: Cheers!  
  
Gilliam: Cheers! Even though I'm too small to hold a wineglass.  
  
Tobeigera: *has me in a full nelson* Cheers!  
  
Me: *unidentifiable guttral noise*  
  
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]  
  
Suzuka glanced up at the title of the spanish restaurant she was going to to meet her date. "Los Expensivistos?" she wondered. "That sounds expensive." She shrugged and went inside. Instead of seeing a stereotypical Taco bell like she expected, it was actually pretty fancy. She walked up to the guy at the receptionist thing that holds receptionist people. You know what I mean. The desk whatever. I'm sleepy. "Excuse me, I'm one half of a reservation for two?" she told the lady there.  
  
"Yes...Ms. Twilight Suzuka?" asked the lady.  
  
"Yeah, that's me." said Suzuka.  
  
"Excellent. You partner phoned us in a moment ago to tell us that he'd be a little late getting here. He wanted us to tell you." she said. "Come, let me show you to your seat."  
  
"Hm, well at least he seems polite." said Suzuka, taking a seat after the lady showed her to her table. "Now lets take a look at this menu." she examined it. "Chimichangas... chimichangas... oooh, chimichangas that have been genetically altered to taste like shrimp!" She looked up from her menu. She saw a guy approaching her table. He was tall, had a pretty dark tan, a hawaiian shirt, shoulder length blonde hair, and sunglasses... "Oh hell. Not him."  
  
"Yo! Suzuka, baby!" shouted Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "Lookin' fine!"  
  
"Uh, I was just leaving." said Suzuka.  
  
"Aw c'mon, just stay for dinner." begged Dave, getting on his knees. "I'm not that bad, am I?"  
  
Suzuka sighed. "Alright, but just for dinner. And this is only because it hurts seeing you being so horribly pathetic."  
  
"Rockin'!" yelled Dave, pumping his fist in the air and resuming his seat.  
  
A waitress walked over to their table. "Have you decided what you want to start out with?"  
  
"Let me start of with a basket of chips. Then move on to the pollo asado taco. I would like two pollo asado tacos with one beef chimichanga. On the chimichanga, I would like a side of sour cream." said Suzuka, reading. "I would like tomatoes and onions on my quesadilla. For the dessert I would like the chalupa. I would like extra cinnamon. Do you make guacamole?"  
  
"Yes, we do make guacamole." said the waitress.  
  
"Uh, I would like a side of guacamole on my Tostitos. I like to dip the Tositos in the guacamole. Can I get a basket, I told you about a basket of chips. I would like a large iced-tea... uh, 2 large iced-teas." said Suzuka.  
  
"Whoa. Uh, okay. And what will you have, sir?" asked the waitress.  
  
"I would like a basket of chips, and a beef chimichanga with a side of sour cream." asked Dave. "I would like some guacamole on my chimichanga with a quesadilla of tomato, onion, and vegetables. I should like a burrito with beef, beans, and I would like a carne asado taco. Could you put some hot sauce on that for me? No, inside the taco. Not on the side. Yes, can I have a carne asado taco? Do you have guacamole? Can you make me some guacamole?"  
  
"We have guacamole." said the waitress, staring.  
  
"Ok, on my burrito I would like the muchaco beef and the shredded pork. And some more cheese, please." said Dave.  
  
The waitress blinked. "Okay...your order will be here in a moment." She walked away. Man, that was a long Ween reference.  
  
........  
  
Aisha looked around the living room. Jim was nowhere to be found. She slowly and hesitantly walked over to Maximus. "Maximus, now that we're alone, there's some things I'd like to get off my chest." She took a deep breath. "Maximus, I don't like how we never communicate anymore. It's like you're all alone in your little world and you don't have enough time for me anymore. Like I'm a wall. Also, I just don't think there's any real chemistry between us. I mean, I'm a Ctarl Ctarl. You're a coffee table. That makes us sound like the perfect match, but it's just not working that way. Also, I've been seeing another piece of furniture. Lonnie, the nightstand. He's really funny, and I think we're really meshing together." she pulled a ring off her finger. "Here, you can have this back. I hope we can still be friends." She put the ring on top of Maximus, making a small clack on his polished surface. Then she stood up, Maximus' one and only true love, and walked out of Maximus' life. And Maximus was totally helpless to stop her.  
  
.........  
  
"Well Dave, that was a really good dinner." said Suzuka. "I can't thank you enough for paying my way."  
  
"Don't mention it!" laughed Dave. "It wasn't a problem at all. My treat."  
  
Suzuka laughed. "Well, I better be heading back home..."  
  
"No..wait!" said Dave. "Don't you wanna go to the movies? I've got two tickets to a cheap matinee of Weekend at Bernie's!"  
  
Suzuka resisted temptation. "I really shouldn't... even though that movie's awesome."  
  
"It'll be great!" pressed Dave. "Besides, if you haven't seen it on a theater screen, you haven't seen it at ALL."  
  
Suzuka shrugged. "Ah, you convinced me. Let's get going."  
  
"Killer!" shouted Dave. "Taxi! Taxi!" Dave waved his arms around, trying to attract a taxi. He ran into the street trying to attract one, which in retrospect wasn't that smart.  
  
A guy was driving a car sown the street. "HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!" he swerved off the road to avoid Dave, only to miss him and hit some little kid on the sidewalk. The guy got out of his car. "It wasn't my fault! It was that guy in the road and his girlfriend!"  
  
"Aaaaahhh!" yelled Dave. Then a team of angry townsfolk swarmed over him. "No! NO! NOOOOOO! Suzuka, Help me!"  
  
But there was nothing Suzuka could do. The townsfolk carried him away to prison.  
  
"Thanks a lot, you damn townsfolk!" yelled Suzuka. "You just ruined a potentially beautiful relationship! I hope you're real damn proud of yourselves!"  
  
..........  
  
Jim flipped through the TV channels. "Oooo. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Trigun Edition! I'm gonna have to catch that when it airs!" he laughed, switching the channel.  
  
"In related news," said a newslady, "A team of seven deadly pirates and their leader were discovered stranded in the deserts of old planet Earth. They were obviously up to no good, and are now doing a minimum of forty years in the high gravity prison of Hekaton Keirez. More on this story as it develops."  
  
He switched off the TV and went into the living room to get the newspaper he was reading earlier. He stopped at the doorway, jumping back in terror. "OH MY GOD! MAXIMUS, WHY?!" Jim ran over to Maximus. Apparently it had decided to hang itself. He began untying the noose. "OH GOD NO! DON'T DIE ON ME MAXIMUS!" he finally flipped out his switchblade and cut the rope, sending Maximus crashing to the floor. He checked for a pulse. There was none. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jim cried to the heavens.  
  
Aisha entered the room. "Hey, what's going on?"  
  
"It's Maximus!" sobbed Jim embracing Maximus' corpse. "He...he killed himself!"  
  
Aisha bent down and held Maximus in her arms. "NO! Maximus... it wasn't supposed to end this way! You... you are the one I love!" she cried. She wiped her tears from her eyes. "He wouldn't have done it if I hadn't broken up with him! It's all my fault! Why Jim, why?! Why does life hate me!?" she began sobbing into Jims arms. I am writing this at 3:30 in the morning.  
  
Suzuka entered the room. "Hi guys. I'm back." she said sadly. "The date was a disaster. We were gonna go see a movie and then go to makeout point and get romantic, but NO. The dame villagers have to show up and ruin the whole thing. Stupid villagers." she then noticed what was happening in the room. "Uh, what's going on?"  
  
"Aisha's best friend Maximus committed suicide." sighed Jim. "And it's all Aisha's fault."  
  
"Damn. That sucks." she kneeled down next to Aisha. "Look, the first time someone commits suicide because of you is always tough. It never gets easy. Me, I've had like 40 people commit suicide because of me. Yeah, I've got mental problems now, but nothing major."  
  
Aisha stood up. She wiped her tears with her sleeve. "You know, you're right Suzuka. It's time I moved on." she looked at Maximus. "We'll give him a burial at sea. It's what he's always wanted."  
  
"Wait, Maximus is a coffee table?" wondered Suzuka.  
  
"Of course." said Aisha. "I thought you knew that."  
  
Suzuka sighed, shook her head, and walked up the stairs to her room. "You guys are all crazy."  
  
-----------------  
  
So yeah, that's the end of a chapter. That turned out a whole lot better than I expected. That whole Maximus ordeal was kinda depressing wasn't it? I'm not exactly a great judge. It's about 4:00 in the morning and I've been in a permanently stoned state for about 24 hours now due to the wonders of nyquil (that's some f***ed up shit), so just about anything can be considered depressing. I won't be putting up a new chapter for about another two months due to bad grade related problems, so don't hold your breath. So I'll take this opportunity to name this chapter THE END OF SEASON ONE! I have no idea what's in store for season two. Or if indeed I have anything in store for season two. I'm kind of running dry on this story lately. In layman's terms, that means I'm getting bored and f***ing sick of writing it. But don't worry, I'm sure a two-month sabbatical is more than enough to rejuvenate my interest in it. Well, see ya. *cries* 


	12. Reno Gets Married

Hello there everybody! What's poppin? Here we are, in The Party Ship's SECOND SEASON! Honk bladdle tweet! Wow, it's been a while since I updated last. I think it was worth it, because this chapter is funny I think.  
Jet: The chapter with the Arby's mitten was better.  
Can't argue with that! So what did you do for your vacation?  
Jet: Well... not a whole lot. You left the office early on our last day and locked me in here. I've been surviving on wallpaper glue and the occasional rat.  
Ah. I thought you lost weight. Well, I had a great vacation! Check out my tan!  
Jet: ....What tan? If anything you look paler.  
That doesn't make sense. I turned the brightness on my TV up all the way!  
Jet: You... you're really stupid.  
Yep! Anyways, enjoy the chapter all! Jet hates it, but he's a hating hater who hates everything. He probably even hates Snapple! Stupid hating hater head!  
Jet: Hey, I love Snapple! That's how rumors get started, you know?  
  
-------------------  
  
It was a loveable, fluffy, tree-hugging day somewhere on planet Heiphon. The crew of the Party Ship were moping around their ground base, bored out of their minds.  
"Hey guys, we've got mail!" called Jim. He entered the Party Ship's crew's base, flipping through the mail.  
"Awesome!" said Gene. "Did I get the new Lesbian Porn Monthly?"  
"Why yes, you certainly did." said Jim, handing Gene the magazine disgustedly.  
"Sweet! Hey, it looks like Suzuka's on the cover!" he laughed.  
"No I'm not, damn you!" yelled Suzuka. She paused. "...Am I?"  
"Yes! I'm so not kidding!" smiled Gene. He handed her the magazine. "See? It's totally you!"  
Suzuka looked at the cover to see basically herself, except totally nude and smiling seductively. "What the hell?" she asked. "How the..."  
"Duh, it's photoshopped." said Jim. "Some dude took a picture of you, photoshopped it and made you nude. It's a really badly done job too. Anyone could easily tell this was a fake."  
"Yeah. See, notice how she's smiling. Dead giveaway. Plus, look at the uneven line along the nape of the neck here. God, what an amateur. My grandma makes better photoshopped Suzuka porn than this." said Aisha. "Really, she does."  
"Hey, I did the best I could with the time I was given." said Gene. "Plus, I think I did a good job on the neck. Er, never mind."  
"Oh, hey Aisha. You got a letter." said Jim cheerfully.  
"Oooh! Letter letter letter!" yelled Aisha. She snatched the letter from Jim and tore it open. "Oh, it's from big dumb Reno. Let's see... 'Dear Aisha. How are you, and stuff. I'm doing great. I'm planning on marrying this one chick I just met the other day, and I want you to be the preacher person. Hope to see you there. Signed, Your loving father (or brother or however I'm related to you), Reno.'"  
"Huh? You're a preacher?" asked Jim, bewildered.  
"Kind of. I went to the Ctarl National Preacher School for a while because I thought there would be a lot of hot guys there, like that preacher Wolfwood off of Trigun." Aisha shrugged. "There weren't any, so I only stayed for one year. But a year's schooling is all you need to be legally allowed to perform Ctarl Ctarl weddings, so now I'm just really confused all the time."  
"Really confused?" said Gene, confused. "Why?"  
"Well, people are always asking me: 'Will you marry me?'" started Aisha. "And I say: 'Well it's about time somebody asked me! Let's get going!' And then they look all confused and say: 'No no, me and my friend want to get married.' And I'm all: 'Threesome? Whatever, I'll try everything once!' And then they say- Well, you get the idea. It's a miniature heartbreak with every client I get."  
"So, are you leaving now? Just like that?" asked Suzuka. "To happily marry your brother to some chick?"  
"No, I'm going to break it up." said Aisha. "Reno has the lamest taste in women. He always picks these stupid loser pothead skanks to marry and they get a divorce about 4 weeks later. It's stupid, it's disgusting, and he deserves better. Him being my brother, it's my untold anime character duty to stop his marriage, no matter the cost."  
"Sounds like fun! Count me in!" said Suzuka enthusiastically.  
"Rock on! You coming with us, Gene?" asked Aisha.  
"Hm, what? You say something?" asked Gene. "Sorry, I've been mesmerized by this picture on Page 5 of Suzuka using her wooden sword for mastu-"  
"YOU HORRIBLE FREAK!" yelled Suzuka, swording him.  
  
..........  
  
"So I says: 'Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!'" laughed Tobeigera.  
"Ha ha!" laughed Leilong. He paused. "What the fuck are you talking about?"  
Hamushi sighed. "Look, Tobeigera. We hired you as a member of the Anten Seven for comical relief. You know, to make us laugh. From our experience with you, that means you should never ever, under any circumstance, try to be funny." The Anten Six, plus Hazanko, were kicking it in a high security jail cell on Hekaton Keirez. See, they were the Anten Six now, since Hanmyo was still wandering around somewhere in the deserts of Earth.  
"Hey! I'll have you know I'm very funny!" said Tobeigera indignantly. He ran around and purposely tripped on something, spilling some hot soup Hitoriga was eating onto a sleeping Iraga.  
"AAAGH!" screamed Iraga, waking up. "What the hell?! What are you idiots doing?!"  
"Stupid faggot-butt Tobeigera bumped into me!" said Hitoriga. "Beat him up!"  
"Yeah! Fight!" laughed Jukei.  
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" chanted the Anten Six.  
"Uh, shouldn't Iraga worry more about treating those third-degree burns on her face than fighting me?" asked Tobeigera.  
"Don't worry about me, wussy boy! There isn't any way I could possibly be any more disfigured!" Iraga said proudly. "Now fight me!"  
Tobeigera started getting nervous. "H-Hazanko? Shouldn't you put a stop to this? Infighting within your ranks is never a good thing..."  
Hazanko looked at Tobeigera thoughtfully. "You know, you're right. I don't want my own underlings killing each other. It's a sign of weakness we can't afford to have." said Hazanko, scratching his chin. Tobeigera breathed a sigh of relief. "So therefore Tobeigera, you're fired. Now go kick this scrawny loser's ass, Iraga."  
"Eeeek!" shrieked Tobeigera. Iraga charged at him. Tobeigera jumped out of her way just as she was about to grab him. He scurried around the small jail cell, carefully evading her attacks.  
"Damn, that little bugger's fast!" enthused Jukei.  
"He's...He's..." mumbled Hitoriga, trying to think of an adjective that was a more insulting version of 'acrobatic'. "NIMBLE. He's nimble."  
"Heh. Nimble." chuckled Hazanko.  
"Hey! What are you jail people doing?" yelled a voice. "Stop fighting! You're supposed to die of heart failure, not boxing!" It was a guard. He was passing by with his guard buddy. The two of them were pulling Dave the Sunglasses Guy down the hallway. They opened the jail cell and tossed Dave in.  
"Hey, I could sue you guys!" yelled Dave. "That was...Unnecessary Roughness! I'll lose you guys's jobs!"  
"Save it for the judge." said the other guard, not making any sense at all. They slammed the door shut and walked away.  
Dave sighed. "So, who're my new roommates?" he looked around at everyone. "Oh, hey there Hamushi. How's it going?"  
"Just fine." she said. She stared at him. "Well? Well?"  
"What?" asked Dave. "What do you want?"  
Hamushi rolled her eyes, then began dancing a sexy dance. She wasn't that good at it since she couldn't really see, so she kept bumping into people and tripping over things.  
"I have no idea what you're implying." said Dave blankly, staring at her.  
She stopped. "God dammit! Just say your stupid catchphrase!"  
"Oh. Uh, schwing or something." sighed Dave. "I thought you were sick of that saying."  
"Huh? You guys know each other?" asked Iraga, amazed.  
"We used to be 'friends'." said Dave, turning his back to Hamushi.  
"Sexual friends." remarked Hamushi.  
"Yeah. And then she decided it was 'time to see other men'." said Dave, throwing his hands up in the air. "And a couple months ago she's changed her mind, and wants me back. Well too bad, you had your chance." He turned and pointed to Hamushi as he said that last sentence.  
"Alright you guys, stop fighting." said Hazanko. "I believe I have a plan to get us out of here!" He told everyone of his miraculous plan.  
"Great plan." choked Tobeigera. "Can you tell Iraga to let me out of the full nelson now?"  
"Eh? who are you?" asked Hazanko.  
"I'm Tobeigera. I served under your command for 17 years." coughed Tobeigera.  
"Oh, right. THAT guy." sighed Hazanko. "Now what's all this about a full nelson?"  
"I currently seem to be in a full nelson by one of the members of the Anten Six-" started Tobeigera.  
"Uh, technically it's the Anten Five now." said Hazanko.  
"Oh. Yeah. Well this Iraga chick has me in a full nelson, and it would be much appreciated if you could get her to lay off."  
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" yelled an enraged Hazanko. "Giving me the orders, now? ME! Squeeze harder, Iraga!"  
"Sir! Yes sir!" yelled Iraga, squeezing harder.  
  
.........  
  
"I'm sorry ma'am, this is a weapon." said a security guy at the airport. He was of course referring to Suzuka's wooden sword.  
  
"What? How could a WOODEN SWORD possibly be a weapon?" asked Suzuka. "I mean, that's just crazy."  
"Well, we here at the airport have recieved a warning about a series of hired murders by a woman with a wooden sword, and we're just taking the regular precautions." said the guy.  
Suzuka feigned a laugh. "Ha ha ha! You think I'M Twilight Suzuka? That's ridiculous!"  
"Well, that IS the name on your passport." said the guy.  
"Um...well...Trust me, I'm not her." said Suzuka nervously.  
"She's right." said Gene. "The REAL Twilight Suzuka is a beautiful, STRAIGHT woman!"  
"Oh yeah. Good point, sir." said the guy. "You're good to go, ma'am."  
"God damn you! Damn you all!" yelled Suzuka.  
Meanwhile, Jim was having similar troubles. "It's oregano! OREGANO! I swear!"  
"Nice try, kid. Awful young to be drug trafficking, aren't you?" said another sercurity guy.  
"I'm not kidding! Try some! It's oregano!" pleaded Jim.  
The security guy gasped. "Now you're trying to bribe me with your drugs. I am disgusted. Come with me." He pulled Jim's arms behind his back and pulled him along.  
"This is all a terrible mistake! It's a flavorful seasoning!" yelled Jim, his voice fading away.  
"Well, this is just great." said Gilliam, in little Gilliam-bot form. "Didn't Jim have the coordinates of this place we're going to?"  
"It doesn't matter." said Aisha. "I could find my way there in the dark with my brain tied behind my back."  
"Flight B52, New Mexidopia to Las Vegadopia, now boarding." said the airport speaker talky thing.  
"Well, that's us!" said Gene. "Are our bags all packed, Gilliam?"  
"We are well stocked with hamburgers, slugs, and pornographic magazines." Gilliam reported.  
"That should do it!" said Aisha. "Let's go!" She boarded the plane, followed by Gene (with Gilliam on his shoulder), Suzuka, and Melfina.  
"You know, it doesn't really make sense that we're flying in this airplane instead of just driving the Party ship there." said Melfina. "Isn't that just really weird?"  
Then I leaped out the sky, fish in hand, preparing to smack the hell out of the plot-hole usurper, when...  
"Sir! That is a weapon!" yelled a security guy.  
"....No it isn't. It's a fish." I said skeptically.  
"Wrong. It's a DANGEROUS fish." said the security guard. "I'm gonna have to take you in for questioning."  
"What?! It's a fish!" I yelled. "You can't do this! I created you!" But the security guard bastard who would have never existed if it weren't for me dragged me away to be interrogated. The evil backstabbing asshole. I hate him so.  
  
...........  
  
"Would you like anything to drink?" asked a flight attendant, about age 20, stopping at Melfina and Aisha's row. The plane was up and running successfully, and our heroes were well on their way to Las Vegadopia.  
"I dunno. What do you have?" asked Aisha.  
"Not really anything." shrugged the flight attendant. "We have Sierra Mist though. Lots of it."  
"Sick. I'd rather drink cat urine." said Aisha, repulsed.  
"We all would." sighed the flight attendant. She moved on to Gene and Suzuka's row.  
"Would you like some snacks?" the woman asked Suzuka seductively. "You can have peanuts, pretzels...or ME." she giggled.  
"What the hell?" asked Suzuka. "Just what are you-"  
"Come on, I think the bathroom's...UNOCCUPIED." she said, with lust in her voice.  
"Alright, kid." said Suzuka. "As much as I appreciate your offer, I'm not a lesbian."  
"Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down." said flight attendant. "You aren't?"  
"No! I'm not!" said Suzuka.  
"Do you play one on TV or something?" asked the lady. "Because you seem like you're a natural born lesbian."  
"No! I don't have any affiliation with homosexuality of any kind!" shouted Suzuka.  
"Oh...." said the attendant. "Sorry to bother you. So did you want pretzels?"  
"Yes please." said Suzuka.  
"Excuse me, I'll take you up on that bathroom offer. You know, if you're still interested." Gene told the attendant.  
"Sorry, you're too masculine for me." said the woman. She walked on to the next row.  
"Suzuka, you stupid whore." said Gene. "If you'd have just slept with her, she probably would have given us free headphones."  
"Why couldn't Aisha have slept with her?" asked Suzuka.  
"Because I don't have the same...affection for women you have, Suzu." said Aisha from a row back.  
"I don't have any affection for women at all!" yelled Suzuka.  
"Yeah, right. Like we believe that." said Aisha, rolling her eyes.  
"If you have no affection for women, then what's with this picture on page 16 of you and Aisha making out in the nude?" asked Gene, holding up his prized magazine.  
"Hahaha! Let's see you explain THAT, Suzu!" laughed Aisha. She paused. "Wait, what the hell?"  
  
.........  
  
"Ah, here we are. Finally!" said Melfina, stretching her arms. "Can you believe how long that in-flight movie was?"  
"I still think that it was all a dream. No damn movie can be that long." said Aisha. The movie they were referring to was the Xenosaga Episode One opening cinematic. "Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to days. Days turned to weeks. And the weeks just kept on passing. I thought it would never end."  
"But now it's over, and we don't have to be scared anymore." said Suzuka. They were all now off the plane, and were walking to the church where Reno was to get married.  
"But yeah, I would have gladly slept with that chick if would have gotten us free headphones." said Aisha.  
"Now what brought that up?" asked Gene.  
"Just thinking of my friends." smiled Aisha. "I should have taken it right then. Next time I'm faced with the opportunity to sacrifice my sexuality to get you guys free headphones, remind me that I owe you."  
"Uh, no problem." said Gene, staring at her.  
"I am detecting that we are nearing the church." Gilliam reported. Sure enough, there they were, right at the church.  
"Alright, time to destroy a wedding." laughed Aisha evilly. "Come on, let's go see the 'bride'." The five of them entered the church. They stopped to watch people prepare for the wedding, then continued onward. They wandered around in the back rooms for a while, stumbling across a ping pong room. They stopped for a few games (actually a few tournaments) before moving on to find the bride's room.  
"Oh, hello there!" she said cheerfully. It was a beautiful Ctarl female, which was to be expected. She was wearing a brilliant green dress, which looked absolutely FABULOUS on her. "My name's Aylin ZeekZeek (great name, huh?). It's a pleasure to meet you." She looked at Aisha. "Oh, you must be Aisha ClanClan, Reno's sister! It's an honor to meet you, Ms. Aisha. Reno's told me so much about you."  
"Mmmhmm. That's great." said Aisha. She looked closely at Aylin. "Now you look here, you whore! I'm not letting you marry my brother! You think you can toy with people's lives this way, and it makes me sick! You're not gonna get away with this!"  
"Um, excuse me." said Gilliam. "But don't you think that green is a few shades too bright for such a quiet type of wedding?"  
"Gilliam, please." said Aisha, rolling her eyes. "I'm trying to have a conversation with the cheap prostitute. Why don't you go talk to Reno?" Gilliam muttered something and left the room. Aisha looked back at Aylin. "And I can see right through your sweet, elgeant disguise! I can tell you're just a slimy, syphilis-infected hooker!"  
Aylin blinked. "We're all entitled to our own opinions."  
"You WOULD think so!!! You fascist pig!" yelled Aisha.  
"Aisha? What the hell are you talking about?" asked Gene.  
"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU ANTI-SEMETIC DEVIL-WORSHIPPING BASTARD!" yelled Aisha.  
"But I'm not an Anti-Semite, or a Satan Worshippe-" started Gene.  
"WHEN I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP, YOU SHUT UP!" yelled Aisha. "NOW GO BUY SOME LIGHTBULBS?"  
"Lightbulbs? Why the crap would we want lightbulbs?" asked Gene.  
"LIGHTBULBS ARE OUR FRIENDS! QUIT HATING ON THE LIGHTBULBS! YOU LIGHTBULB RACIST! NOW GET OUTTA HERE!" yelled Aisha.  
"Uh, okay." said Gene. He walked out the door. Then, entering the room were two Ctarl, apparently part of Reno and Aisha's family.  
"Wow! Hey dad!" laughed Aisha. "It's so good to see you!"  
Her dad stared at her. "Um, can I help you, miss?"  
"What? Dad, it's me!" she smiled. He looked at her closely, studying her face. "Uh, your daughter." He looked blankly at her. "Aisha."  
"Oh. It's you." sighed the dad. "How have things been going with you? Still in the military?"  
"I got fired." muttered Aisha. "But I DID join a team of intergalactic misfits and cruise across the galaxy, fighting pirates, and uncovering treasure in all corners of the universe! I even saw the Galactic Leyline!"  
The dad shook his head. "Aisha, Aisha. And here I was hoping you'd make something of yourself by now." he looked around. "Where's your husband? Did you divorce him already?"  
"Yes...Yes I did." said Aisha, ashamed.  
"Well, what's your excuse THIS TIME?" said her father, crossing his arms. "I'm not falling for that old 'He was an abusive sicko' line anymore."  
"No, it's not that. He only married me to get to you, dad. He would have murdered you in your sleep! You're lucky I broke it off before he could get too close!" said Aisha.  
"God, Aisha. Making up stories again." said her father, rolling his eyes. "It's a good thing we have Reno around so I don't TOTALLY regret having children." His face brightened. "Speaking of Reno, where is that old son of mine?"  
"He's getting dressed in a trash compactor out behind the church." Aisha lied.  
"Alright, then!" laughed Aisha's dad. "See you later, Aunt Aisha! Or cousin or something."  
Aisha sighed and turned to the other Ctarl, a short elderly woman. "Oh, hey grandma! How's it going?"  
"Oh, I'm doing fine Aisha!" yelled the grandma.  
"Eh, are you still having hearing troubles?" asked Aisha.  
"What?" yelled grandma.  
"Yeah, I guess so." shrugged Aisha. "How's the photoshopping nude pictures of Suzuka doing?"  
"It's going fine!" yelled the grandma.  
Aisha pulled Gene's nudie magazine out of her suitcase. "This is a terrible, totally amateurish job, huh?" She handed her the magazine.  
"Oh, good god! Look at the uneven lines along the nape of her neck!" yelled the grandma. "I've never seen a worse nude Suzuka photoshopping job in my life!"  
"Um, have you seen very much nude Suzuka photoshopping?" asked Suzuka.  
"Hell yes!" yelled grandma. "I'm a proffessional Suzuka nude photoshopper! There's quite a market for nude Suzuka photoshops on the internet these days!"  
"There...is?" asked Suzuka.  
"Of course! All the best pornographic websites have nude Suzuka photoshops!" yelled grandma. "Ninja Girl Plus, Sword Play, Lesbian Swordgirl Sorority, Naughty Chicks with Weird Hair...Hell, a book was even published entitled "1001 Alternate Uses for a Wooden Sword", with nude Suzuka photoshops as the illustrations!"  
"Hey, is there much demand for Melfina nude photoshoppers?" asked Melfina.  
"Not really, though the few there are really get into their work." said grandma.  
  
.........  
  
"I see. So, your tuxedo is orange." smiled Gilliam.  
"Yep, it certainly is." laughed Reno.  
"And the bride? What color is her dress?" asked Gilliam, his voice heating up.  
"Green!" said Reno happily. "You should see her! She looks so beauti-"  
"WRONG!" yelled Gilliam. "THOSE ARE THE MOST HIDEOUS CHOICES FOR WEDDING DRESS COLORS EVER! YOU ARE A FASHION MORON!" The little Gilliam-bot stormed out of the room. He looked around at the reception area. "OH GOOD GOD! Don't put that statue there! Haven't you neanderthals even HEARD of the concept of 'feng-shui'?!" He paused, looking at a banner that was hanging up. "And the bride's name isn't Ms. Evil Slave Driver Bitch!"  
"It isn't?" asked Aisha innocently.  
"No! It isn't!" sighed Gilliam. He turned to Aisha. "Look Aisha, just get outta here. Go talk with Suzuka or something. The ADULTS are working." He turned back around. "Hey! HEY! And the groom's name isn't Mr. Handsome Lovebuns! Just what are you trying to pull, Fred?"  
"You jerk, Gilliam." pouted Fred. "You always ruin my fun."  
  
..............  
  
"Oh, hey Aisha. What's up?" asked Suzuka. Aisha had just entered the room.  
"The big boring grown-ups are working." said Aisha sadly. She looked at Suzuka, and noticed she looked vaguely sad. "Hey Suzu, you look vaguely sad. What's the matter?"  
Suzuka sighed. "Not much. It's just that psychiatrist you sent me to told me I was a lesbian, but I don't feel like one." she sighed again. "I don't know what to think. It just feels like everyone thinks I am and the only one who doesn't is me."  
Aisha laughed. "THAT'S what's bugging you? Here, take this." She handed Suzuka a piece of paper and a pen. "It's a do-it-yourself lesbian test. Just take it, and it tells you how much of a dyke you are. Try it out!"  
"I dunno..." said Suzuka cautiously.  
"Come on, I'll take it too if you will." coaxed Aisha.  
"Alright, I'll do it." said Suzuka. Aisha took a copy of the test and went into another room.  
"We have to be in seperate rooms so we can't cheat." explained Aisha. "Good luck!"  
After Aisha left, Suzuka turned to the first question. "1: Do you feel you domineer over the men in your life?" she paused, chewed on the pen, then checked 'YES'.  
In the other room, Aisha was also confident about the question? "Me domineering? Pssh. Yeah right." she laughed. Gene walked into the room. "Hey Gene, did you pick up the light bulbs?"  
"Uh, no. They were all out of them." shrugged Gene.  
"YOU IDIOT!" shrieked Aisha, seething with rage. "WE NEEDED THOSE LIGHTBULBS! I GIVE YOU ONE DAMN RESPONSIBILITY AND YOU WHIZ IT DOWN YOUR LEG! IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOUR IRRESPONSIBLITY THAT MY BROTHER WILL NEVER GET MARRIED! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THE WEDDING IS RUINED!"  
"Um, you kind of wanted the wedding ruined anyway, didn't you?" asked Gene.  
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY AUTHORITY? YOU HORRIBLE WORM! GET BACK OUT THERE AND FIND SOME LIGHTBULBS, YOU DISGUSTING SPECIMEN OF THE IDIOTIC MALE GENDER!"  
"Yes, ma'am." whimpered Gene. He ran back outside.  
Back in Suzuka's room. "2: Do you share a house with a woman who spends most of her time naked?" She paused, then checked 'YES'. "Aisha's always wandering around naked, the whore."  
In Aisha's room... "Naked...Naked.. Of course! Melfina!" she began shouting. "Melfina! Melfina, come here, quick!"  
Melfina quickly entered the room. "What? What is it Aisha?"  
"Huh? Oh, Gene wanted me to tell you that you're fired." said Aisha dismissively.  
"Fired?" yelped Melfina. "But-But I...Why?"  
"Let's just say Gene found a different way to control the Party Ship, and your services are no longer required. He wants your bags packed by noon to make room for the new girl." said Aisha.  
"N-new girl?" stuttered Melfina.  
"Oh yes, and she's a real looker. What were Gene's exact words? Hmmm..." Aisha pretended to think. "Oh yes: 'We need a new android chick around here. Melfina looks like a guy.'"  
"I...a guy? No!" She broke down crying. "But he said he loved me!!"  
"That was just a trick to get you to take him to the Galactic Leyline." said Aisha carelessly. "I would have thought you could figure it out on your own."  
"That's...that's not true!" yelled Melfina. "Gene would never do that!"  
"Go ahead, keep deluding yourself. Gene said you can stay around if you must, but you'd have to listen to his sweaty groans all night as his new companion gives him what you never could." said Aisha evilly. Melfina finally ran from the room crying.  
She picked up the test form. "Live with a mostly naked chick? Not anymore." she laughed, checking the box by 'NO'.  
Back in Suzuka's room, on question 3. "Do you have a cat around the house?" read Suzuka aloud. "Well yeah, Aisha. Uh, she's kind of a cat or something." She checked the box by YES.  
Aisha puzzled over the question. "Cat? What is...CAT?!" She stared blankly at her paper, trying to remember what a cat was, until she finally decided to leave the answer blank. Suzuka entered the room.  
"I just graded my paper!" she moaned. "It says I'm 100% lesbian!"  
"I don't need to grade my paper, since I already know I got an A." said Aisha confidently.  
"Hey preacher lady, you're gonna be needed for the ceremony soon." said some little kid poking his head in the door.  
"Oh, that's right!" laughed Aisha, slapping her forehead. "When does it start?"  
"I dunno, everyone's out there asking when you'll show up and the bride and groom are about to kiss to get it over with." said the kid uncertainly.  
"WHAT?!" yelled Aisha.  
"We've been waiting like 5 hours. Everyone's bored." said the kid.  
  
...........  
  
"Ahem, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Reno ClanClan, and his joyous, swinging single life." recited Aisha. "Today, a terrible happening has befallen him. Never again will he laugh or sing. Never again will he fall down, drunk with happiness. And absinth. Let us not remember this poor man's soul as the shattered, empty shell of a man he will surely become for marrying this horrible monstrous bitch, but as the loveable Creedence Clearwater Revival fan who sat at a bar all day and enchanted everyone with his presence."  
"Dude, Ctarl weddings are weird." said Gene. "What the hell is going on?"  
"I guess it's tradition to insult the bride." shrugged Suzuka. "I'm not very up to speed on Ctarl Ctarl things like this."  
"So anyways. Do you, Ms. Disgusting Slimy Skank..." Aisha paused. "Am I pronouncing your name right? Ah well. Do you take this totally awesome person, Reno ClanClan, who is way to good for your syphilis-infected ass, to be your lawfully wedded husband for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold, until month-later divorce do you part?"  
"Um...I do. I guess." said Ms. ZeekZeek, staring at Aisha.  
"Right on. And do you, Reno ClanClan, take this evil whore who will start cheating on you after about 5 days to be your lawfully wedded constantly nagging bitch for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold, until hopefully-soon-for-her death to do you part?" asked Aisha.  
"I do." smiled Reno.  
"Dude, I think the preist's biased." whispered Gene.  
"Well then, if anyone has any sense at all and objects to the marriage of these two hopelessly mismatched people, speak now or forever regret it." said Aisha. "Because I will see to it that everyone in this room will suffer neverending pain and torment."  
  
WILL RENO MARRY AYLIN, THE PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON?  
WILL SUZUKA EVER BECOME CONFIDENT IN HER SEXUALITY?  
  
"I already am, you bastard!" yelled Suzuka.  
  
WILL THE ANTEN SEVEN ESCAPE THE HIGH GRAVITY PRISON OF HEKATON KEIREZ?  
GOD, ARE YOU TOTALLY HELPLESS? FIND OUT YOURSELF ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE PARTY SHIP!  
  
-----------  
  
So that's that!  
Jet: Dude, that chapter sucked.  
Shut up! Shut up! I can't hear you! LALALALALA BE KIND TO YOUR FOUR FOOTED FRIIIEEEND, FOR A DUCK MAY BE SOMEBODY'S MOOOOTHHER....  
Jet: ....I don't know you. 


	13. Beachy Surfer Armageddon

Look, it's another chapter! So very soon! I really really like this one a bunch. I think I did a good job despite how rushed it was. I didn't have time to proofread it or spell check so I don't know how many problems are in it. Have fun with it anyway.  
  
--------------  
  
It was a day of some kind in orbit around the planet Hekaton Keirez. The Anten Five (plus Tobeigera) were in the Geomancer, having freshly escaped from prison. The had Tobeigera tied up as their prisoner. I can't imagine why they'd want to keep that annoying bastard around even longer. I guess you'd better ask them, because I sure don't know.  
"Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!" sang Tobeigera. "Oh, help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!"  
"Dude, shut up." said Jukei. "Hitoriga, throw another tomato at him for me, will you?"  
Hitoriga groaned and threw his 307th tomato at Tobeigera. "Why don't you just take off your stupid straitjacket and throw them yourself?"  
"Yeah, man. Seriously." said Leilong. These three guys were in charge of punishing Tobeigera for no reason. Once again, I don't really understand their motives.  
"Also, why are we doing this anyway?" asked Hitoriga, casually chucking a tomato at him. "Shouldn't we have just left him back in prison?"  
"Hazanko's holding him ransom. He figures SOMEONE in the universe cares about whether he lives or dies." sighed Jukei. "Hang on, try and hit his eye."  
"Dude, I've hit his eye like 40 times." said Leilong.  
"No, not with a tomato. Use one of the railroad spikes." said Jukei.  
"I thought we were saving those for the stomach and groin." said Hitoriga uncertainly.  
"No, that's the bowling balls and Stephen King hardcover novels." replied Jukei.  
"Dude, sweet." said Leilong. "Did you get 'Misery'?"  
"Oh yeah. It's allll here." laughed Jukei evilly.  
"Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda! Help me get her outta my heeaaarrt!" sang Tobeigera.  
"Shut up, dammit!" yelled Leilong, chucking a tomato at him. "Why the hell are you singing dumb surfer tunes anyway?"  
"Dude, didn't you know?" asked Hitoriga. "Today marks 1,000 years since the Beach Boys' first album was released! Around the universe it's being called 'The Resurrection'."  
"The resurrection? What the hell are you talking about?" asked Jukei.  
"Well, back in the year 2007 the Beach Boys' lead singer was dying of lung cancer." said Hitoriga. "On his deathbed he swore that in 1,000 years he and the rest of the band would rise again from the dead and give the BIGGEST REUNION TOUR OF ALL TIME!"  
"Really? That sounds rad!" enthused Leilong.  
"Well, they never really said they'd do a big reunion tour." admitted Hitoriga. "I made that part up myself. I think what they really said was that they'd bring about the downfall of civilization, destroying all who refused to join their undead army. Something like that."  
"..She'll have fun fun fun till her daddy takes the T-bird awaayyy... ooooaooooaaaaooo..." mumbled Tobeigera.  
"Undead army would be better than what we're stuck doing now." grumbled Leilong, throwing another tomato at Tobeigera.  
  
.......  
  
It was a finger-licking good, melts in your mouth and not your hand day down in the Party Ship crew's home base on Heiphon. Aisha was retelling the tale of Reno's marriage to Jim, who got out of the prison after he tricked the police into believing that his mysterious powder really was oregano. Jim, you magnificent bastard.  
"And then I'm all: 'I OBJECT!'" yelled Aisha. "And then the people in the church are all: 'The priest can't object!'"  
"...This is really stupid, Aisha." said Jim.  
"Come on, the best part's coming up!" argued Aisha. "So I say: 'Oh I can't, can I?!' Then I transform into my super wolf form and start eating people! And Reno was all: 'Aisha! You're ruining my wedding!'"  
Just then Gene entered the room. "What's going on? I heard what sounded like screams of pain!" he asked worriedly.  
"Half of those were Jim's due to boredom, and half of them were from this tape I made to better dramaticize my gruesome slaughter of all the people in that chapel!" She picked up the tape and pressed play. A series of horrible screams emanated from the speaker. "Hours and hours of nonstop screaming!"  
Just then the screaming stopped and a small monotone voice began to talk. "Please insert tape 426."  
"Already?" asked Aisha, amazed. "That one went really fast!"  
"Uh, sorry I interrupted." sighed Gene. "How do you guys want your omelettes?"  
"Extra pepper on mine." said Jim.  
"I don't want one." said Aisha. "I'm still full from devouring my entire family."  
Gene stared at her. "Aisha, you're scary. You've been even scarier since we've gotten back from Las Vegadopia." he paused. "Hey, have either of you seen Melfina anywhere?"  
Aisha gulped. "No, I haven't seen her. She must have disappeared some time during the wedding ceremony."  
"That makes sense." said Gene. "But, why would she leave?" he sniffled a little bit. "Ever since she left its been like this big burning hole in my heart. I never had time to really tell her how I feel about her, but now that she's gone I can't stop thinking about her." He closed his eyes. "If I close my eyes I can still see her pretty eyes, her cheery smile. I can still feel her joyous presence around me. I can still feel happy." He reopened his eyes. "But then I open them again and I am reminded of this bitter cold world. A world of sorrow. A world of hate and anguish. A world..." He wiped a stream of tears from his eyes. "...without Melfina."  
"Well that sucks." said Aisha. "I dunno about you, but she told ME she was gonna go run off and have a wild time with Harry MacDougall."  
Gene's eyes widened. "MACDOUGALL?!!?"  
"Yep, apparently she's been seeing him for some time now. How long was it?" She pretended to think. "Oh yeah, 6 or 7 I think."  
"MONTHS!?" yelled Gene.  
"No, I think it was years." shrugged Aisha. "But she said she'll be gone forever anyway, so it doesn't really matter."  
"F-forever?!" moaned Gene weakly. "But....we were in love..."  
"All lies of a robot." said Aisha. "She was the MacDougall's spy all along."  
"Oh Melfina, you told me you cared about me!" cried Gene to the heavens. "Was it all just a lie?! JUST A PETTY LIE?"  
"Yes, yes it was." said Aisha. "In fact late at night she'd brag to me about the lies she told you. She laughed maliciously as she described all the 'romance' she fed you, and the look on your face as you lapped it all up." Gene ran from the room crying.  
Just then Suzuka walked into the room. "Eh? Was that Gene running from the room crying?" she asked.  
"Yep." said Aisha.  
"One of his psychotic Melfina freakouts again?" asked Suzuka.  
"Yeah. He can't get enough of those damn things." said Aisha.  
"Where is that Melfina, anyway?" asked Suzuka, taking a seat in one of the many comfy chairs in the living room.  
"She's gone right now, but she wanted me to tell you that she wants to meet you at 8:30 at the new cactus-proof ice cream stand downtown." shrugged Aisha. "ALONE."  
"And exactly what does she mean by that?" said Suzuka skeptically.  
"I dunno, but it sounds to me like she's really into your hot bod." shrugged Aisha, switching on the TV.  
"What!?!" yelled Suzuka. "Are you sure?!"  
"No, not really at all." said Aisha. "I'm just making assumptions because she's had a twin size hotel room reserved weeks in advance, and she just got your name surgically engraved onto her heart."  
"Wow, that's so weird! I would have never guessed Melfina was...you know." said Suzuka, taken aback.  
"Are you kidding? She's been checking out your curves ever since you joined the team!" laughed Aisha.  
"Huh. Well, I'm obviously not going to go meet her." said Suzuka.  
"You aren't?" asked Aisha sadly. "Why not?"  
"Well first of all, I'm not a lesbian." said Suzuka. "Second of all, I'm going to a Beach Boys seance at 8:30."  
"Ah, that big Beach boys resurrection's tonight?" asked Aisha. "I thought that was next week."  
"Nope, they're rising from the world beyond to destroy the universe at exactly 11:41 this evening." said Suzuka, glancing at her watch. "We've only go about 6 hours left, you might wanna make the most of life before BEACHY SURFER ARMAGEDDON."  
Gene walked into the room with a suitcase. "Guys, I'm going after Melfina. I don't care if she doesn't like me, I just have so many unanswered questions burning in my soul. I need to confront her about my feelings and perhaps end the blinding pain she's caused me." he said. "You guys wanna come?"  
"We can't go, Gene! We're gonna miss the end of the universe!" whined Jim.  
"Oh, knock it off Jim. There'll be other ends of the universe. There's nothing special about this one." said Aisha.  
"Alright, I'll go." sighed Suzuka. "We have to stop off at the big seance along the way though."  
"THAT'S TONIGHT!?" yelled Gene. "GOD, WHERE'S MY GREATEST HITS ALBUM?" He ran around the room tearing everything apart, desperately searching for The Beach Boys' Greatest Hits. After he had pulled out a small knife and cut open all the couch cushions, he walked over to the stereo and hit the eject button. "Oh, THERE it is! How many times do I gotta tell you guys not to leave stuff in here when it's not being used?!"  
"I thought that only applied to pieces of salami!" argued Aisha.  
"Don't think I haven't forgotten about that." replied Gene, biting his lip. "Now whats the number one rule around the house?"  
Aisha sighed and recited a line she was obviously familiar with. "'Just because it's round DOESN'T mean it will play in the CD player.' "  
"And don't forget it, either." said Gene defensively.  
  
.........  
  
"Ro-on!" whined Harry MacDougall. "This propeller won't fit on this plane! It's broken!"  
Ron sighed and rolled his eyes. "Harry, that's not the propeller. That's the wheel." He sighed again and took the model airplane begrudgingly from Harry's hands, putting the wheel in the appropriate place.  
"Yay! Thanks Ron!" laughed Harry. "Wow! You're the best big brother ever!"  
"Don't mention it." shrugged Ron. "I can't imagine why I even bought you a model airplane in the first place."  
"I know why!" said Harry brightly. "Because I whined and nagged and complained incessantly about it for weeks on end!"  
"Oh yeah, that's why." said Ron.  
"Hey Ron, since it isn't a school night can I stay up late to watch CSI with you at 8:00?" asked Harry. "Please please please please?"  
"No, sorry Harry but I'm-" started Ron.  
"Please please please with a cherry on top?" interjected Harry, his eyes dampening.  
"Sorry, but I'm going to this big seance tonight and I'm leaving at 7:30." said Ron.  
"Does this mean I get to stay up late and eat POPCORN?!" yelled Harry.  
"Are you kidding? The popcorn machine is too dangerous for you to use, Harry! Where do you get these ideas? Is your little friend Johnny a bad influence on you?" said Ron, alarmed. "But yeah, I've hired a babysitter for you."  
"A BABYSITTER?!" shrieked Harry. "I don't need a babysitter!"  
"That's what you said LAST time." said Ron tolerantly. "And what happened?"  
"Uh... a slight accident with the nail gun..." he mumbled.  
"Slight accident?" laughed Ron. "You took her whole arm off!" he resumed being serious. "You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get a babysitter for you after word got around about that!" he glanced at his watch. "Man, I'd better be going. I don't want to anger the Beach Boys."  
"Beach Boys? Who the hell are the Beach Boys?" asked Harry.  
"Now Johnny's teaching you swear words?! I'm going to have to have a word with his parents!" said Ron sternly. "But you ask a good question, Harry. One that can only be answered....with a SONG." He rolled out the karaoke machine and began to sing.  
  
[MACDOUGALL BROTHERS SING-A-LONG: The Kings of Rock n' Roll]  
  
Ron: What's this crap on the CD store shelves? Harry: Are we trapped in the seventh circle of hell? Ron: Of course not, Harry! Don't be afraid! Both: It's just the state of music today!  
  
Ron: Welllll, you can listen to your 311! Harry: I'd rather press my temple to a loaded gun! Ron: I just don't care what you say-ay! Harry: Piebald will always be gay! Ron: The youth of today is a hissing kettle! Harry: They think Godsmack is heavy metal!  
  
Both: But the Beach Boys! Will always be the kings of Rock n' Roll! Harry: Dashboard Confessional's getting old! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Ron: Yellowcard's talent is an empty hole! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Harry: For Aerosmith, time's taken it's toll! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL!  
  
Ron: Is that manufactured angst before my eyes? Harry: What else could you expect from AFI? Ron: What happened to good bands like Slayer and Tool? Harry: Now we have to make do with Drowning Pool! (yuuuuck!) Ron: Their instrumentals suck and they try to be dark... Harry: But just succeed in being worse than LINKIN-FUCKING-PARK!  
  
Both: Cause the Beach Boys! Will always be the kings of Rock n' Roll! Harry: Alien Ant Farm had their 15 minutes years ago! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Ron: The Darkness is so bad they're eating my soul! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Harry: Korn's okay if you're eight years old! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! (repeat 120 times)  
  
..........  
  
"409! 409! Nobody can catch her!" sang the Beach Boys from the Party Ship's speakers.  
"God, can't we turn that down a bit?" asked Aisha. "These guys suck!"  
Suzuka jumped up. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!" she yelled. She ran over and clasped her hand over Aisha's mouth. She looked upwards, closing her eyes. "Oh almighty spirits of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, please forgive this Ctarl woman! She knows not what she does!" There came an otherworldly moan that seemed to emanate from everywhere around them. Fog appeared from seemingly nowhere, swirling around them. Ghostly faces swirled in and out of the fog, and one extended a gnarled, wispy hand to clutch Aisha's leg. Aisha let out a scream which was muffled by Suzuka's hand, still pressed firmly over her mouth. "She knows not what she does... she knows not what she does.... she knows not what she does..." chanted Suzuka repeatedly. Aisha's eyes widened as more hands extended from the fog and grabbing her arms and legs, seemingly trying to pull her into whatever hell they came from. Aisha began to see flashes... Of concerts, of autograph signings, of interviews... She felt her eyes roll back into her head and her vision slowly fade to black as the ghostly creatures began to completely overcome her. "SHE KNOWS NOT WHAT SHE DOES!" yelled Suzuka in a huge, commanding voice. There was a huge flash of pale blue light, and both the hands and the fog had disappeared. Both women were on the floor of the ship, panting.  
"Dude! That was intense!" yelled Gene.  
"You were there the whole time and didn't think to help us?" shouted Aisha between ragged breaths.  
"Well, I was videotaping the whole thing and Jim was showing me how to zoom in..." said Gene.  
"Think of the memories this will bring years from now, Aisha!" laughed Jim.  
"But Suzuka, what were those things?" asked Aisha, her breath resuming a normal pace.  
"This is a day of great chaos for the spirits of Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers." said Suzuka quietly. "The foretold return of the Beach Boys has caused them to almost completely tear down the cosmic barrier that seperates or two dimensions. It was foolish of you to mock the Beach Boys on the day of their return. Your life is certainly in jeopardy, as is mine since I cast them away."  
"You mean those things were the Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers?" asked Jim.  
"Yes. I'm pretty sure the ones that tried to take Aisha's life were ZZ Top." said Suzuka. "You're lucky I'm an expert in paranormal life forms and otherworldly spirits."  
"Excuse me, but we are ready to land on Gologobo, where Suzuka's seance whatever is being held." said Gilliam. "Ugh, you girls should really take better care of yourselves. You look awful."  
"Screw you, Gilliam." said Suzuka.  
"Such language, I must say!" remarked Gilliam. "Hey, just how the hell are we flying this ship without Melfina?" he paused. "I say, that sure is weird! There's no conceivable way we could fly this ship without Melfina!"  
Gene looked around. He scratched his head. "Yes, it certainly is a big PLOT HOLE isn't it?" he said shakily. Everyone looked at each other.  
"FREEDOM!" they all yelled at once.  
  
..........  
  
"Dammit! Let me go!" I yelled. "There are plot holes being revealed! I CAN SENSE IT! I must smack people with fish!"  
"Quiet, manservant!" yelled Hamushi. "Get me some cheesecake, you slacker bastard!"  
"And get me some hot apple pie!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"And get me some eggplant!" yelled Tobeigera.  
"Hey, you're a slave too! Why the hell are you giving me orders?" I asked.  
"Oh, right. Sorry dude." sighed Tobeigera.  
"Don't call me dude. It gives the impression that I don't hate you." I told him.  
"Quit talking you damn slaves! You get your bitch asses back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" yelled Jukei.  
"This is the longest trip ever." moaned Leilong. "Are we almost to this seance or whatever?"  
"Yeah, we're there now." said Hazanko. "This is where we must go to pray to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers for forgiveness for our sins in this gravest of days. Being the highly intelligent, extremely powerful, high ranking official in the 108 Suns, my appearance at this seance is crucial to the future of the universe." He paused. "Crap. Can any of you guys parallel park?"  
Everyone looked at each other uncertainly. "I can probably guess my way through it enough to not kill too many people in the attempt." said Leilong helpfully.  
"Well, it's the best we've got." shrugged Hazanko. "Give it a go, Leilong."  
"Alriiiight!" enthused Leilong, jumping behind the wheel of the ship. "Watch along, Hazanko! You might learn something! Okay, the first thing we do is get out heads smashed through the windshield!"  
"You have to get your head smashed through the windshield?" asked Hazanko skeptically.  
"Well, that's how I learned to do it." said Leilong. "But I'm always up for trying something new! Alright, lets start off with a three-point turn!" The ship lurched forward quickly, then lurched back. It lurched forward, then lurched back. It did this quite a bit.  
  
HALF AN HOUR LATER  
  
"There, that wasn't so bad right?" asked Leilong.  
"Three-point turns I've heard of, but that was like a fifty-point turn." moaned Hamushi. The Anten Five, plus Tobeigera and Hazanko (I escaped during the chaos that ensued when Leilong tried to switch on the radio) were entering the big Beach Boys Seance Center, built just for the occasion.  
"Alright, everybody take their seats. Yes, take them. Take your seats. Seats." said Gwen Kahn, standing before the throng of seancers before him. Everyone sat down.  
"Kahn? He wasn't the seance leader last week when The B-52s were supposed to destroy the universe!" whispered Suzuka to Gene.  
"Hello everyone, my name is Gwen Kahn. Yes, Gwen Kahn. It certainly is Gwen Kahn. Why, I suppose it certainly is." said Kahn. "Mr. Collins is sick today. Yes, he is sick. Quite sick. He is very sick. He's sick. I'll be your substitute seance leader. Why yes, I believe I will."  
"Heh, dude! Substitute!" laughed Jukei. "This is gonna be the coolest end of the universe ever!"  
"Now, when I call your name please raise your hand." said Kahn. "MacDougall, Ron?"  
"Here!" yelled Jukei.  
"Okay, thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you. I agree. Thank you." said Kahn, marking off the name on his list. "Duuz, General?"  
"Here!" yelled Jukei.  
"Alright. Alright. Yes, quite alright." said Kahn. "Suzuka, Twilight?"  
"Here!" yelled Jukei.  
"Okay. Mhmm, yes. Okay indeed. I must say, it is very okay." said Kahn. "Luo, Fred?"  
  
5 HOURS LATER  
  
"Well, it looks like everyone's here! Even people who died 15 years ago! This is great!" laughed Kahn. "Yes, yes it is great indeed. Yes. it is great. Quite great. It's great."  
"Holy crap!" yelled Suzuka, looking at her watch. "His retarded speech impendiment made us waste loads of time! The resurrection starts in five minutes!"  
"I see. Well, we had better get ready." said Gwen Kahn. "Yes, I suppose we had better get ready. Get ready. Right, I do believe we should get ready. Let's get ready. You know, we should get ready. Why yes, ready is what we should get, for sure..."  
  
5 MINUTES LATER  
  
"..ready. I really think we should get ready." finished Kahn.  
"It's starting!" yelled Ron. "Look!" Sure enough, the same fog the had appeared before began sifting into the room and curling around people's feet. Before long, faces formed in the fog, then arms, and legs, and....  
"It's them!" shrieked Fred. "Hold me, Gene!" Yes, the Beach Boys had completely formed in the small room. They were carrying guitars and various other musical things, and were dressed in Hawaiian shirts and clothing and such. When they opened their eyes, they shone with the cold, pale undeadness that only a millennium in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame can cause. The men screamed. The women fainted (except for Aisha and Suzuka. They called all the fainters wussies). Then the lead singer opened his mouth to speak.  
"Dude! What up?" he asked.  
"Not much." shrugged Jim.  
"Gnarly! Well, I guess this is a good place to start, huh guys?" he asked the rest of the band. They nodded in agreement.  
"Oh my god! You guys are going to destroy the universe now, huh?!" yelled Hitoriga, terrified.  
"Yeah, man." said the lead singer. Everyone recoiled in horror. "...If by that you mean start the Beach Boys' Eternal Tour!"  
"Eternal tour?" asked Aisha.  
"'Cha!" he laughed. "Since we're immortal we can tour till the end of time! Now lets get started!" The screams of panic soon turned to cheers of joy, as they began to play what soon became known as the greatest concert of all existence ever. I'm sorry I missed it. Jet was there, and he told me all about it though.  
"Dude, Suzuka! Care to dance?" asked Hitoriga.  
"Um, no." said Suzuka.  
"Come on! Please please please please please pretty please?"  
"No way, man."  
"Please pretty please with a cherry on top?"  
"No!"  
"Pretty please with a cherry and 500 dollars on top?"  
"Fine, fine. If it'll stop your pathetic whining."  
"Really?"  
"Yes. Really."  
"Awesome!" laughed Hitoriga. He paused, then asked: "Does that mean I still have to pay 500 dollars?"  
"Yes, yes it does."  
"Oh well, it's worth it."  
  
----------------  
  
Oh, Hitoriga! You silly guy! You never know whats next when you're around! Oh well, there's some things I'd like to point out in this chapter:  
  
1. Dialogue between the Macdougalls is insanely fun to write. Really, it's great. 2. Any views expressed in this episode's MacDougall sing-a-long represents the views of the MacDougalls and does not represent the views of the author, JHeman, or any of his affiliates. 3. There have been subtle references to Gwen Kahn throughout the story, and I was happy to finally fit him in this time. He's a freak. 4. Don't worry, Gene hasn't forgotten about Melfina. 5. The thing with Hanmyo in the desert isn't going anywhere yet. I have no idea why I stranded her there.  
  
Well, that's all. See you guys next time!  
Jet: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! YEEEAAAHHH!  
Shut up. 


	14. Kung Fu II: Sumo's Revenge

Jet: ......  
Now what are you mad about, Jet?  
Jet: You are a dumb, slow reject. You haven't updated this story in over a month. Everyone hates you.  
Hey, it was a spell of writer's block! If you haven't noticed, it's really hard writing a story with a decent plot!  
Jet: Only because you haven't done it before!  
Why you little... smacks him with golf club  
Jet: Ow...  
Let's see you mouth off to me NOW! Weakling!  
Jet: Dude, screw you.  
TOSS HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK!  
Jet: Who are you talking to? You're the only person besides me within a 20,000,000 mile radius. You'll have to do it yourself.  
Uh... never mind then. Anyways, enjoy the chapter everyone. It's okay.  
  
-------------  
  
"None of those knives came even close to hitting me! You're a terrible lovemaker!" yelled Harry MacDougall defiantly. "Now lets try this again, it's all in the wrist!" Just then the phone rang. "Ah crap, I'd better go get that. You'd better not try escaping, or it'll be more SALAD DRESSING TORTURE for you!" He ran over and picked up the phone. "Hello?"  
"Hey Harry, it's Ron. What's up?" came Ron's voice from the phone.  
"Oh, not a lot." shrugged Harry. "Hey, did you know we're outta salad dressing?"  
"Figures. You always use up a lot of salad dressing when there's a babysitter over." sighed Ron. "How's she doing anyway? Is she gonna put you to bed on time?"  
"Nah, I don't think she's gonna force it on me." shrugged Harry. Just then there came a young woman's voice from behind him.  
"Call the police! Whoever's on the phone, call the police! He's a monster!" yelled the woman.  
"Quiet, you!" yelled Harry. "Just because I'm outta salad dressing doesn't mean I'm outta SANDPAPER! Now shut up!"  
"CALL THE POLICE! HE'S INSANE! OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!" she yelled.  
"DIE, BABYSITTER FOOL!" yelled Harry, firing a harpoon gun at her.  
"Oh my god, you severed my spinal cord!" moaned the woman. "ARGHLBLBLBLLBLBLLBLB...gurgle."  
"What was that? Is everything all right?" asked Ron.  
"Yeah, she's still tracking my hand with her eyes. I think most of her brain is intact." said Harry. "I mean, everything's good here."  
"Good." said Ron. "I'm picking up fried chicken on the way home, so don't spoil your appetite."  
"Yay! Fried chicken!" laughed Harry. "Get the really sweet kinda coleslaw!"  
"What if they're out of sweet coleslaw?" asked Ron.  
"Then just get regular coleslaw." said Harry.  
"Ok." said Ron. "See ya soon." He hung up.  
"HANG ON!" yelled Harry. "DON'T HANG UP! IF THEY'RE OUT OF REGULAR COLESLAW GET POTATO SALAD! POTATO SALAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOO!"  
  
............  
  
"Hey, what's the matter Gene?" asked Jim.  
"I just felt a strange disturbance in the force." said Gene, stricken with fear. "It was as if some really hot chick somewhere just got her spinal cord severed, and was suddenly silenced."  
"You ALWAYS get that feeling after you drink too much, Gene." shrugged Aisha. "You just had a little TOO much punch at that Beach Boys concert, and now you're feeling the after effects!"  
"There! Now I just got that feeling that some guy somewhere is sad because he doesn't get to eat coleslaw!" said Gene frantically. "Why doesn't anyone believe me?!"  
"Because it's stupid and not even remotely possible." said Suzuka.  
Our astro-friends were in the Party Ship, zooming through the galaxy. As always they were on a quest for fun and adventure. They were also on a quest to find Melfina, but nobody really cared about that. Gene sort of half-cared, but he often forgot where he was and what he was doing.  
"All I'm saying is I obviously possess some sort of strange psychic power!" said Gene. "Witness my psychicness!" Then he sat down and started to predict. He predicted many odd, bizarre things. Lots of them probably weren't true, and the ones that were nobody could prove. Since no one on the ship was a gullible moron, Gene didn't convince anyone. I don't know what the point of all that was, but whatever.  
"Hey fellas, we're running low on fuel." said Gilliam happily. "Should we dock at Blue Heaven to replenish our supplies?"  
"Gilliam, never ever say the word 'fellas' again." said Gene. "And yes, lets dock. How far away are we from Blue Heaven?"  
"About...40 feet and quickly losing altitude." said Gilliam brightly. Then they crashed.  
  
............  
  
"You know, there's always room for one more in my group on Anten people." said Hazanko warmly. "Would you like to join my special Anten team of constantly changing number?"  
"Sorry," said Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "But I've still got some sunglasses to sell if I wanna turn a profit." The two of them were in a Heiphon docking bay, saying their goodbyes.  
"Really? About how many more do you think you need to sell?" asked Hazanko.  
"Well, I stocked myself with about 5 million...they cost about 100 dollars each..." said Dave, doing math in his head.  
"A HUNDRED DOLLARS EACH?!" yelled Hazanko. "You paid that much a piece for those cheaply made sunglasses you're always selling?"  
"They are NOT cheaply made." said Dave indignantly. "They're made with the highest quality child slave laborers available! Wanna buy a pair?"  
Hazanko sighed, and pulled out his wallet. "How much are they?"  
"5 bucks a piece, as always." said Dave, reaching into his suitcase and handing Hazanko a pair of sunglasses.  
"God, at 5 bucks a piece for 100 dollar sunglasses, you'll never turn a profit!" remarked Hazanko, handing Dave 5 bucks.  
"Ha HA!" laughed Dave triumphantly. "That's where the secondly compound interest comes in!" He glanced at his watch. "Alright, that'll be 500 bucks!"  
"WHAT?!" yelled Hazanko. "Secondly compound interest?!"  
"Whoa, make that 1050 bucks! 4700! 10785!" said Dave, ticking off the seconds. "You'd better hurry and pay before it gets any higher! 24590!"  
"Ack!" yelled Hazanko, handing him a $30000 bill. "Keep the change!"  
"Thanks!" laughed Dave, pocketing the bill. "Fooled ya, there really is no compounded income tax."  
"What?" said Hazanko. "Gimme my money back, you dumb bastard!"  
"No way!" said Dave.  
"Yes way!" said Hazanko.  
"No way!" said Dave, hopping into his spaceship. "See ya later!"  
"Hey! You get back here!" yelled Hazanko. But Dave was already revving up his engines and preparing to blast off. "I'm gonna tao magic blast you! I swear I'll do it!"  
Suddenly, Tobeigera came running out of the Geomancer, and hopped on Dave's windshield. "Take me with you! Take me with yooouuuu!"  
"Aaaaah!" yelled Dave, turning on the windshield wipers.  
"Crap, who let him out of his torture chamber?!" yelled Hazanko, enraged.  
"It was Hitoriga! It was his idea to let him go watch TV!" said Jukei, who had just come running out of the Geomancer along with Hitoriga.  
"It was a Courage the Cowardly Dog marathon on Cartoon Network! I wanted to make him suffer!" said Hitoriga defensively.  
"So... retardedly... UNFUNNY!" sobbed Tobeigera, pounding on Dave's windshield. "Make my pain end!" He reached over and pulled open the door opposite the driver's side.  
"Hey! Get outta here!" yelled Dave, kicking Tobeigera in the face.  
"Shoot him! Shoot him!" yelled Hazanko.  
"Since when do we have guns?" asked Hitoriga and Jukei.  
"Damn you, you primitive non-firearm bastards! Where's Leilong?!" yelled Hazanko.  
"I think he's trying to beat the record for the most games of Minesweeper played in a week." shrugged Hitoriga.  
"He's on game 674!" said Jukei cheerfully.  
"Really? How many has he won?" asked Hazanko, genuinely interested.  
"Well, he's mainly going for speed... I think about 4." said Hitoriga, counting on his fingers.  
"Wow. What's the record?" asked Hazanko.  
"4098." said Jukei.  
"Cool. Think he can do it?" Hazanko said casually.  
"Maybe. It's hard to say." said Hitoriga. "Having no food, water, sleep, or bathroom breaks is definitely wearing him down."  
"Awesome. I hope he-" started Hazanko. "Wait! Where's the clowny-head?!"  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"Holy crap, thank you SO much for rescuing me!" said Tobeigera thankfully.  
"It's not a problem." said Dave, steering the ship. He glanced at a small flashing light on the dashboard. "What's that mean?"  
Tobeigera looked at the light. "Oh, we must have left one of the doors open. He and Tobeigera both opened and slammed their doors shut. The light kept blinking.  
"Shit! We gotta find out which door's open before we exit the atmosphere!" yelled Dave frantically.  
"But this is a huge multi-level parking garage ship!" yelled Tobeigera, unbelieving.  
"Quick, go check out levels A through Triple Z! I'll stay here and watch the cockpit!" yelled Dave as Tobeigera ran off. "Reject." muttered Dave, helping himself to some lemonade after Tobeigera left.  
  
........  
  
"This is just terrible!" said Gene, crawling from the twisted burning wreckage of the Party Ship. "Now we're stranded here until we can get the ship fixed!"  
"What're you trying to do, kill us?!" yelled Suzuka, picking up a little Gilliam bot.  
"Here now, that's simply ridiculous!" said Gilliam indignantly. "You make it sound like I'm not getting paid for it!"  
"Look, this is no time to fight." sighed Jim, typing on his laptop which miraculously survived the crash. "The first thing we should do is find Melfina!"  
"Oh, that'll be easy." said Aisha, dripping with sarcasm. She was also dripping with blood, since the crash tore a wound in her head. "We don't have a ship, remember?"  
"We don't need a ship. She's right here on Blue Heaven." said Jim, turning his laptop around and revealing a map of the city with a small red dot on it. "I've been trying to track her for ages, but I've come to the conclusion that she's right here." He pointed at the red dot. Then his eyes traced the screen, noticing many other red dots. "...Or maybe it's this red dot. Or that one."  
"Well which is it?" asked Suzuka.  
"I dunno... there weren't that many red dots to begin with!" said Jim. He looked up. "Oh, so that's it! Aisha, quit bleeding on the screen!"  
"Sorry..." sighed Aisha.  
"Damn, it's already dried!" said Jim, wiping the screen. "Now we'll never know which one it was!"  
Suddenly they heard a familiar voice behind them. "Ah, I THOUGHT I recognized you! So nice to...SEE you again! HAR HAR HAR!"  
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, clasping a hand over his mouth. "It's...It's YOU!"  
Aisha fainted in pure, abject terror.  
  
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]  
  
"It was a normal Saturday evening!" sobbed Fred pitifully. "I...I had just rented The Crying Game... It was going great for a while, but then..." he wiped his eyes, "IT HAPPENED."  
Cue shitty flashback effects. Since this is a story and not a comic, movie, or anything else where you could actually see the aforementioned shitty flashback effect, you will obviously not see one. That is, of course, unless you make your own! Try it at home, kids! Follow these easy instructions, and you can have shitty flashback effects wherever, and whenever you want!  
  
MATERIALS: 2 Eyeballs, 2 Fingers, 1 Large Roll of Dental Floss  
  
Firstly, prepare the two (2) fingers buy washing them with soap and warm water. Remember: A clean shitty flashback effect is a happy one! Then, carefully insert the two (2) fingers into your two (2) eyeballs. Press very very hard. If done correctly, everything will begin blurring up and your vision will be impaired, just like in a REAL flashback effect! Treat yourself to some corn on the cob for your hard work, and don't forget the dental floss!  
  
"Thanks to shitty flashback effects, I can remember movies about women with penises with much more flair and style!" laughed Fred.  
"Before I had shitty flashback effects, I was a nobody!" remarks a famous movie director, through bandaged eyes. "But now look at me! If I'm not a somebody, I don't know who is! Thanks, shitty flashback effects!"  
  
So the next time you've got a memory you can't wait to remember, and don't want to make a fool out of yourself, what can you do? Why, just ask Fred!  
  
"Marry me, Fred!" begged a woman, clutching Fred's jacket.  
"Please Fred, marry me for my money!" begged another.  
"Fred, I absolutely ADORE your shitty flashback effects!" said another.  
"ACK! GET EM OFFA ME!" yelled Fred, diving out a window.  
  
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]  
  
"That's right!" said Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah happily. "It's me!"  
"Dude, it's good to see you again!" laughed Gene, clapping Ninja Monkey on the back.  
"Eh? Who's this monkey guy?" asked Aisha, perplexed.  
"You remember him, Aisha!" Jim said happily. "He fought against this giant sumo wrestler and dragged us into it for no reason!"  
"Oh YEAH!" said Aisha. "And then the Arby's Oven Mitt came and saved the day!"  
"Is that what happened?" asked Gene, confused. "I thought it was the Pepsi Girl."  
"No, I'm pretty sure it was the mitten." said Aisha.  
"Anyways, what brings you to Blue Heaven?" Suzuka asked Ninja Monkey.  
"My arch enemy, Kick Pow Smack Poof, is hiding out here! I'm here to take him out no matter the cost!" yelled Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah, unsheathing his swords amidst lots of sparklies and really badly animated DBZ style blurry backgrounds.  
"That evil, evil maniacal bastard." said Suzuka, gritting her teeth. "How can we help you stop him?"  
"Tell me, have any of you ever operated a piece of velcro?" asked Ninja Monkey frantically.  
"I received expert velcro training from my dad all throughout my childhood years!" said Gene proudly. "I was a child prodigy. At only age 9, I was able to successfully open and close my wallet! Only a few years later I mastered the double knot!"  
"Wow!" responded Ninja Monkey, clearly impressed. "If your skills are as advanced as you say they are, Mr. Starwind, then we simply can't fail!"  
"Can't fail what?" asked Jim. "What's your plan?"  
"Alright, I'll tell you." said Ninja Monkey. Then they got into a stupid cliché huddle and did the stupid cliché whispering thing. You know, the stupidest cliché of all.  
  
.........  
  
"Alright...huff I'm pant finished." panted Tobeigera, clutching his chest. "Nothing. All cough closed."  
"Same here." said Dave. He jerked his thumb at the light on the dashboard. "Good news though. That's actually the fuel light. I kinda forgot to fill up before we left."  
There was a long pause.  
"We're not gonna die! Isn't that great!" laughed Dave. "This ship is still airtight and ready to fly-"  
"YOU FUCKING RETARD!" yelled Tobeigera, jumping and trying to strangle Dave.  
"Ack! Can't breathe!" choked Dave.  
"Hooray! That means I'm doing right!" said Tobeigera happily.  
  
...........  
  
It was a lovely, enchanted evening outside Kick Pow Smack Poof's base. Our heroes had one thought on their minds: REVENGE. Yes, them soundly defeating him without a scratch on their bodies really pissed them off. Now it's payback time.  
"Alright, this is team Alpha." said Gene, from behind a bush, speaking into a walkie talkie. "Other teams, report."  
"Roger, team Beta here." responded Jim. "I don't see anything."  
"This is team Gamma." said Ninja Monkey. "No sign of anyone here."  
"I'm not picking up anything on radar." spoke Suzuka. "Repeat, team Delta reads no sign of anyone."  
"I'm not radar." said Gilliam.  
"Yes, yes you are." said Suzuka.  
"For the love of god Gene, how many times do we have to do these report things until you're convinced it's safe to start the mission?" asked Aisha.  
"Alright alright, fine." muttered Gene. "Do we have the enormous tank ready?"  
"Sir, yes sir!" said Jim, patting the side of an enormous tank.  
"Alright then, commence with plan B!" yelled Gene.  
"Plan B? What the hell happened to plan A?" asked Ninja Monkey.  
"It sucked. I trashed it." said Gene.  
"You mean the plan that involved Jim hacking into Kick Pow Smack Poof's dismally insecure computer system, deleting all his porn so that he'd go into a deep suicidal state of depression, and ultimately be defeated without anyone getting in the slightest bit of danger?" asked Suzuka.  
"Yeah. No wait...yeah. That's the one." said Gene. "You can't base an entire episode of an action anime on something lame like that! People want explosions!"  
"Oh yeah, right." said Suzuka.  
"So who's steering the tank into Kick Pow's base?" asked Jim.  
"ME ME ME ME ME ME!" yelled Aisha, jumping like 10 feet straight up in the air. She hopped inside. "How do I change gears?"  
"The... uh, the stick shift." said Jim.  
"This has a STICK SHIFT?" asked Aisha. "What kind of lame tank is this?"  
"A big one." said Gene. "Now remember Aisha, explosions explosions explosions! Steer for any gasoline barrels you see."  
"How do I get up the stairs?" asked Aisha.  
"We'll figure that out later." shrugged Gene. "Now get going!"  
"YEEEEEHAAAAAWWW!" yelled Aisha, pounding the tank into top speed. "This is AAAAWWWWEEEESSOOOOOMMMMEEEEE!!"  
"You're going like 10 miles an hour." said Gene. "Tanks aren't fast."  
"Oh, yeah." said Aisha, already bored. She steered the tank slowly up to Kick Pow's secret base. "Dude! This song sucks!" she yelled, fiddling with the radio tuner. "Who the hell likes Oasis, anyway?" She accidentally brushed the weapon fire button. A huge missile shot from the tank and blew down a good chunk of the base's front wall. "Haha! Awesome!" yelled Aisha, pressing the button over and over again.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"Hang on, this is Gamma Squadron." said Ninja Monkey, tensely into his walkie talkie. "I... think I see something."  
"Is it green?" asked Suzuka.  
"Is it red?" asked Gene.  
"Is it alive or is it dead?" asked Jim.  
"I can't put my finger on it." responded Ninja Monkey. Ween references are fun. "But it's getting closer!"  
"Ha ha haha!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof, stepping out of the shadows. "You dumb head fools! Did you really think that I'd just be sitting in my base, waiting for you to destroy me?"  
"Well...yeah." said Gene.  
"Well then you're stupid! Stupid!" laughed Kick Pow evilly. "No, the only things in that base are millions of tons of explosives! Ha ha ha! Your little cat friend will be dead within seconds! Ha!" Suddenly the base exploded in a huge, ear shattering boom. Bits of rubble were flying everywhere.  
"NOOOOO! AISHA!" yelled Jim.  
"Hooray! Our ratings are already up by half a point!" said Gene happily.  
"I'm so totally evil!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof.  
"Your bones were all dissolved into nothing." said Ninja Monkey. "How is it you are standing before me?"  
"Ah yes, don't think I've forgotten that little ordeal you." said Kick Pow. "It required the ancient sumo technique of bone regrowth to heal myself. It was long, arduous, and very painful. I swore revenge on you, and your little friends here." He glanced at the smoldering remnants of the building and chuckled. "And it would appear that now, my revenge is partially complete."  
"Bastard!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword.  
"No, Suzuka." said Ninja Monkey, being totally badass. "Let me handle this vermin." He unsheathed his twin katanas and leapt at Kick Pow.  
"Haha! I have been waiting for this moment! Ha! Haha!" laughed Kick Pow maliciously. Just then, a familiar tune started to play...  
  
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting  
Those jerks were as fast as lightning  
In fact it was a little bit frightening  
But they fought with expert timing  
  
"Christ, not again." sighed Suzuka, dodging Kick Pow Smack Poof, who was flying her way after a misjudged leap. "Damn songfics."  
"Come on, it's not that bad." shrugged Jim. "At least it's a good song."  
"I feel a slight pang of guilt for rocking out to this awesome song when Aisha just died in a painful fireball." said Suzuka.  
"Come on, don't be a party pooper." said Gene. Suzuka sighed and started dancing.  
  
There was funky china men from funky chinatown  
They was trapping when up, they ws trapping when down  
It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part  
For my friend, ain't you a stiff, then I'm kickin' from the hip  
  
Ninja Monkey fell to the ground in front of them. "Haha! You have fallen, slain! I am victorious!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. "My revenge is complete! Now I walk away!" Then Kick Pow started walking away.  
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Gene, aiming his caster at Kick Pow Smack Poof. Kick Pow whirled around.  
"N-no! You wouldn't!" yelled Kick Pow.  
"Yes I would!" yelled Gene.  
"I don't know what on Earth you two are talking about." said Gilliam. "I tossed out those drab, boring caster shells in favor of some lovely smelling potpourri! It adds some flair to our boring ship!"  
"WHAT?! YOU RETARD!" yelled Gene, kicking Gilliam.  
"Hahaha! ha!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof. "NOW I SHALL DESTROY ALL OF YOU SINCE YOU ARE DEFENSELESS TO STOP ME!"  
"Oh no!" yelled Suzuka. "Wait, don't I still have my sword?"  
But then, just when all seemed lost, when all hope was faded-  
"Hey! All hope isn't faded, you reject! I still have my sword!" yelled Suzuka.  
Shut up, Suzuka. Anyways, in this most bleakest of hours a lone figure appeared on the horizon. He was a shining hero of hope, a hero who always came through and saved the day. He feared no one, and yet everyone feared him. He was...  
"The Arby's mitten! He's here to save us!" yelled Gene. "Hooray!"  
"Hey! HEY! Why can't I save us?!" yelled Suzuka.  
"Quiet, you!" said the Arby's mitten. He was carrying something. Gene squinted to see what it was...  
"It's Aisha! She's alive!" laughed Gene, clapping his hands gleefully.  
"Nuts!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. "The danged mitten saved her!"  
"He didn't save me." said Aisha. "I got bored and left the mission. The mitten kidnapped me on the the way to Pizza Hut."  
"Ah, but the breadsticks there give you indigestion!" said the Arby's mitten.  
"Oh yeah! Thanks Arby's mitten!" said Aisha happily. By now the mitten had reached Kick Pow Smack Poof. He set Aisha down and looked up at him. "Are you ready to die?"  
"Oh my god!" yelled Kick Pow. "Wh-what are you going to do to me?!"  
The Arby's mitten held up a small videotape. "This tape contains the never before seen next commercial in the long line of Arby's mitten commercials. I can guarantee, it's VERY painful."  
Kick Pow Smack Poof gulped.  
"Now you can surrender, and walk away from this place, leaving these people unharmed...Or, we can watch the video." said the mitten coolly.  
"Yeah right, you're bluffing." said Kick Pow, uncertainly.  
"Am I?" chuckled the mitten, and put the tape into a VCR/TV that magically appeared next to him.  
"You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do...THAT to me." said Kick Pow nervously.  
The mitten's thumb moved for the Play button.  
"OH MY GOD RUN FOR IT!" yelled Kick Pow, running for it.  
"Hooray! Victory for mitten!" yelled the Arby's mitten triumphantly as Kick Pow ran off into the distance.  
"What about Ninja Monkey? Will he be okay?" asked Suzuka worriedly.  
"Don't worry ma'am, he's just unconscious." said the Arby's mitten. "Your boyfriend will be just fine."  
"My boyfriend?!" shouted Suzuka angrily. "He's not my boyfriend!"  
"He's not?" asked Aisha, confused.  
"Of course he's not! He's a monkey!" said Suzuka.  
"So you're saying you simply COULDN'T care for a man who was a monkey?" asked the mitten.  
"Yes!" said Suzuka.  
"It disgusts me how horribly superficial you are." said the Arby's mitten. "Anyways, my work here is done. You folks will be alright." He picked up Ninja Monkey. "This is only the beginning of mankind's war on the sumo wrestlers. Ninja Monkey will have to come with me so we can plan our next attack as a team. I'm sure we'll meet again." Then the Arby's mitten, with Ninja Monkey in his arms, flew away.  
"YOU'RE A BADASS, NINJA MONKEY!" called Aisha after him. "A FLIPPING BADASS! I LOVE YOU! SUZUKA JUST DOESN'T LIKE YOU CAUSE SHE'S AN IDIOT DYKE!"  
"For fuck's sake, shut up!" yelled Suzuka.  
  
..........  
  
"Woohoo! Blue Heaven! We made it!" laughed Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "High five!"  
Tobeigera high fived him, half-heartedly. "How did you survive my strangulation?"  
"You're not very good at it." shrugged Dave. "Now lets get looking for an apartment!"  
"An apartment? What the hell do we need an apartment for?" asked Tobeigera.  
"We've gotta lay low here for a while. Hazanko and the rest of those Anten guys are sure to be closely on our trail, so we have to keep a low profile." said Dave.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"WOOOO WOOOOOO!" cheered Hazanko. "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"  
"She won't have the guts to go through with it!" said Leilong. "Baked beans are fattening!"  
"Oh yeah?! Just watch me!" yelled Hamushi, who then started drunkenly shoveling baked beans into her mouth. "Mrflebllblbl!"  
"Haha! Dude, that's disgusting!" laughed Jukei.  
"Whoa, I'm gonna be sick!" yelled Iraga.  
"Mrglbllrlbllb!" agreed Hamushi.  
"Dude, Hazanko! Crack open another beer!" said Hitoriga happily.  
"YEAH! WOOOO HOOOO!" laughed Hazanko, who began running around bumping into things.  
  
BACK ON BLUE HEAVEN...  
  
"Those guys are always vigilant, they never tire. They're probably gaining another 25,000 miles on us for every second we spend sitting around here." said Dave. "You have to watch those guys, they're very serious about their work."  
"Well, if you say so." shrugged Tobeigera. "Let's go pick up a newspaper and see if anyone has some rooms up for ren-" he paused, then looked at a girl who walked by him. He grabbed Dave and turned him towards the girl, who was now walking away. "Dude, look at that girl!"  
Dave looked. "Yeah, what about her?" he asked. "She's alright, but hardly schwing-worthy. I don't like her hair."  
"No no, look closer! Isn't that the Party Ship's navigator girl robot thing?" asked Tobeigera. Indeed it was. Melfina was only about 40 feet away from them, reading a magazine at a news stand.  
"Yeah, but that doesn't make her any more attractive." said Dave. "Come on, it's ladies night at this really great bar I know of here-"  
"No, you retard! It's her! The Anten Six...er, FIVE have been tracking her down for ages! If I can bring her to them, they might let me back on the team!" said Tobeigera excitedly, waving his arms around. "I'm following her!"  
"Dude, no you aren't. We've got sunglasses to sell." said Dave. He looked into Tobeigera's wide, pleading eyes. "Well..... alright. We can stalk Melfina for no reason for ONE WEEK. Then it's time to get to work."  
"Yay! Yay!" laughed Tobeigera, not bothering to wonder how Dave had seen his eyes if he was wearing a huge stupid mask. "You deserve a joke! What do you call an armless guy from Nevada?"  
"Um...I don't know." said Dave.  
"THOMAS EDISON!" laughed Tobeigera, who fell on the ground from laughing so hard.  
"Wait... that didn't make any freaking sense at all." said Dave.  
"You... you didn't get it? You see, Thomas Edison was a giggle he liked soccer a whole lot! And... and in Nevada they don't like soccer!" chuckled Tobeigera.  
"They don't? What the hell does that have to do with anything?" asked Dave.  
"Hang on, I'm not through yet!" said Tobeigera. "And Thomas Edison wore a necktie! A big long one! And in Nevada... uh... they wear REALLY LONG NECKTIES! See, it doesn't make any sense!"  
"Alright... shut up." said Dave.  
"But I didn't even get into explaining the 'armless' part!" sighed Tobeigera.  
"Look, are we trailing Melfina or not?" asked Dave. "I've already lost her in the crowd."  
"What?! You dipshit, we gotta find her!" yelled Tobeigera.  
So they started looking for her.  
  
...........  
  
It was a baking hot, dry, and arid day in the deserts of planet Earth.  
"Need.... water...." croaked Hanmyo. "Sand isn't water... I wish someone had told me that before I ate so much of it..."  
"Meow." said one of her cats.  
"Go get help, kitty..." she groaned. She looked up, and saw an airport in front of her. "AIRPORT! I'M SAVED!" She jumped up, picked up her cats, and ran over there. "I'm saved! I can get off this planet! Yay!" She entered the airport happily and ran over to the ticket counter. "Hey there sir! I need to buy a ticket!"  
"Um... alright. Okay. Where are you going, little girl?" asked the ticket guy.  
"Anywhere. Here's a million bucks. Just get me outta here." She handed him a million bucks.  
"I... okay. Alright then. There's a flight leaving for the Blue Heaven spaceport in 35 minutes." said the guy, handing her a ticket. "Will you be okay traveling by yourself?"  
"Well yeah, why wouldn't I be?" asked Hanmyo.  
"Uh, well you're awfully young." said the guy. "I'd say you're about 9 or 10 years old."  
"Don't worry, I'm fine." said Hanmyo. She glanced at her ticket then walked over to her departure gate. There was a huge crowd of people standing there. Some lady was standing there with a megaphone.  
"The normal pilot just died of a heart attack! He was kind of a wussy, because him watching The Princess Diaries caused it. Anyways, is anyone here a pilot who can take over for him?" asked the lady. "A particularly good one? Maybe with a lifetime worth of experience?"  
"ME ME ME ME ME! I'M A PILOT! ME ME ME ME ME ME!" yelled Hanmyo.  
"Alright, congratulations little girl! You're our new pilot!" said the lady, game show host style.  
"YAY!" cheered Hanmyo.  
  
----------  
  
And that's all there is to say about that. With chapter I tried to advance the plot more than worry about being funny. I hope I was funny anyway. I still don't really know what the plot IS that I'm trying to advance, but I guess it will make itself known to me eventually. Hopefully my writer's block is over, but it still lingers a bit.  
Jet: That chapter was really really gay. That worse than the Maximus one.  
I thought the Maximus one was funny!  
Jet: It wasn't, trust me. It was crap. Of course compared to this one, it was pure genius.  
You're just jealous!  
Jet: No I'm not!  
You're just a washed up anime star forced into a narrator position for an anime that was once your biggest ratings competition!  
Jet: Quiet! QUIET!  
No!  
Jet: YES! kicks me  
Ow. 


	15. Aisha: AllStar Singing Sensation

Howdy cheese all you Outlaw Star maniacs out there, it's time

for yet another chapter in the saga that is...THE PARTY SHIP! The

Most Partyin' Story In The Galaxy™!

Jet: God, that's corny.

This chapter has some plot development in it, but who cares

about all that boring crap anyway? Plots suck. If I was a plot, I

think I'd

kill myself. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I like Altoids.

This chapter is one I'm very very proud of, and I hope you enjoy it!

As

a bit of a warning, this chapter is a bit more...raunchy than my

other ones. It's all useful and helps advance the plot though. Let's

see how it ranks on the RAUNCHYMETER™! Jet, tell everybody about the

Raunchymeter!

Jet: The Raunchymeter is a simple device used to calculate

just how raunchy something is by comparing it to various animes!

Let's go to the chart!

10: La Blue Girl

9: Ping Pong Club

8: Hellsing

7: Excel Saga

6: Love Hina

5: Plastic Little

1: Pokemon

You may or may not have noticed that we skipped a few numbers

in the middle there! That's because we're really lazy! Anyways,

this chapter rates about a 7.5! Therefore it hasn't quite achieved

the level of raunchiness Hellsing has, but it is genuinely above

Excel Saga at it's raunchiest points! Raunchy is a funny word! Yay!

-------------

It was an adorable, kittens-playing-with-yarn day in the

apartment the Party Ship's crew now shared while waiting for the ship

to be

repaired. Uh...you kind of caught them at a bad time. They were just

sitting down to eat dinner. Oh well, I'm sure they won't care.

"Oh...sick!" yelled Suzuka. "What the HELL is this?"

"What's what?" asked Gene. "Did you find something wrong with

my special salad?"

"Salad?! You mean this heap of random weeds?!" asked Jim.

"Gross! Is this a lily pad?" asked Suzuka, lifting a lily pad

out of her salad bowl.

"Psh, of course not." said Gene. "Yeah right you guys, I know

my salad. That's no lily pad!"

"I have no idea what that was I just ate, but it was long and

slimy and it's probably a good thing that I smothered it in salad

dressing!" said Aisha happily. "Seconds!"

"Here, have mine." said Jim, handing her his bowl of salad.

"And mine too." said Suzuka, doing the same.

"Oh come on, you guys! Eat up!" said Gene through a mouthful

of poison oak. "You need your energy for when we finally decide to

get off our asses and look for Melfina again!"

"This crap won't give us energy!" shouted Suzuka. "Let me

handle the cooking tomorrow. I'll make us an efficient, energy

powerhouse of a meal that will keep us energized all day long!"

Gene rolled his eyes. "Yeah right Suzuka. You'd probably fix

us something freaky made up of ground up lizards or something. No

THANK you."

"At least she bothers to grind them up first!" said Aisha,

coughing up a live lizard into her hand.

"I-I thought it would add to the flavor!" said Gene meekly.

"That does it." said Jim. "Let's hold a vote. All in favor of

Gene never being allowed to cook for us again, raise your hand!"

Everyone

raised their hand. "One, two, three! You are FAR outnumbered, Gene!"

"Hooray! No more lizard salad or tomato chowder or cucumbers

or...!" laughed Suzuka, counting off on her fingers.

"I demand a recount!" yelled Gene. "And I thought I did a

good job with the Gummi Prunes!"

"You did do a pretty good job on those..." said Jim admittedly.

"They looked more like raccoons!" argued Aisha.

"They were special LONG TAILED bears! With glasses!" protested Gene.

Whatever, I just hope tomorrow's dinner is better than todays

was." remarked Jim, trying to feed a large chunk of bark from his

salad to a Gilliam bot.

NEXT DAY

"Here you are, everyone!" said Suzuka happily, passing around

large plates of her special dinner. "Eat up, this will make you

strong and stuff! Just like me!"

Gene stared at his plate. "Suzuka, these are twinkies."

"Yes? And?" asked Suzuka, grabbing a twinkie from her plate.

"How do twinkies make you strong?" asked Jim.

"I'm glad you asked, Jim!" said Suzuka. "These are no

ordinary twinkies! They are special HOMEMADE TWINKIES using a recipe

passed down in my family from generation to generation! They unleash

the warrior within. They keep you powerful, alert, and ever

vigilant. They are the ultimate superfood."

"...How the hell can twinkies be homemade?" asked Aisha.

"I grew all the preservatives myself." smiled Suzuka. "Now

everybody, eat up!"

"Sounds good!" responded Aisha. She cut one of her twinkies

in half and started sucking the creme filling out of it. It made a

really

gross noise. Think something like: SOIIICCCKKIKIKIKIKKK! Yeah.

"Um...that's a weird way to eat a twinkie." said Gene, staring.

"Ith tho good!" said Aisha with a mouthful of sticky white

cream. She handed the now hollowed out twinkie shell to Suzuka. "Do

'ou

want the thell, Thuzuka?"

"Um, no thanks." said Suzuka. "Don't you want it?"

"Nope, my muvver wath kilb by a fwinky thell." said Aisha.

"What?" asked Suzuka.

Aisha swallowed all the sticky white stuff. Needless sexual

symbolism is fun. "My mother was killed by a twinkie shell." she

repeated.

"No, she was killed by you. You ate her." said Gene.

"QUIET! DO NOT SPEAK! SILENCE!" yelled Aisha, grabbing

another twinkie and draining the cream out of it.

SOIIIICCKCKKKIIKIKKIIKI!

"That's a really freaking disturbing noise." remarked Jim.

"Not as disturbing as this one!" yelled Gene, whinnying like

a horse. Everyone stared at him.

"Aisha's is more disturbing." said Suzuka.

"I can make a sound that sounds like a drowning cat!" said

Jim. He then made a noise that was much more similar to a flying

bird,

if you ask me.

"That sounded more like a cat being strangled! Or a pig

having a heart attack!" said Gene angrily.

"Oh sure, like you could do better!" argued Jim.

"Sure I could!" said Gene. Then he sang some Ricky Martin songs.

"Holy cow, that sounded EXACTLY like a drowning cat!" said

Jim. "That's amazing!"

"Hey, can we stop with all the talk of drowning cats?" asked

Aisha, face dripping with delicious white cream. "It's really

offensive to

me!"

"Wow Aisha! You sure have a lot of...STICKY WHITE STUFF on

your face!" laughed Gene.

"I can't get enough of it!" laughed Aisha.

"That does it." said Suzuka, standing up. "Gene, you're a

pervert. Aisha, you're a whore. Jim..." She looked over at Jim, who

was

dancing like Ricky Martin and eating twinkies. "...I don't know what

the hell your problem is. I'm going to sleep." She stomped out of

the room. Then she came back in and went to sleep because they had a

really small one-room apartment.

"Well this was a disaster of a meal." said Gilliam

disapprovingly, just entering the conversation. "What if I cook

tomorrow? Fred

gave me some GREAT new recipes at this tupperware party recently that

I'm just DYING to try out!"

"No more twinkies?" sniffled Aisha. "But I really enjoy

having delicious sticky white stuff all over my face and in my mouth.

It's

wonderful!"

"We all do, Aisha. We all do." said Gilliam sympathetically.

"But don't worry, I've got a great recipe that will just leave you

BEGGING

for more!"

NEXT DAY

"Ta-dah!" said Gilliam happily, laying a huge and delicious

looking fish on the table.

"Wow, Gilliam! This looks absolutely delicious!" remarked Suzuka.

"Man, I can't wait to eat it!" said Gene happily.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIISH!" yelled Aisha, gobbling down the entire fish whole.

"Yeah, who didn't see THAT coming?" asked Jim.

Aisha coughed. "Gilliam, what the hell is wrong with this

fish? It tastes all rotten!"

"That's because it IS rotten!" said Gilliam happily. "That

was my decoy fish so Aisha would be too sick afterwards to eat

everyone

else's food!"

"You dirty bastard!" yelled Aisha.

"Yay! Gilliam's smart!" cheered Gene.

"I sure am!" said Gilliam. "Here's the real dinner!" He

brought out a ton of fried chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, potato

salad, and

other awesome stuff.

"Yay! Go Gilliam go!" laughed Jim.

"Argh... my stomach..." moaned Aisha, turning green and

falling on the ground.

"Oh my god! Aisha!" said Suzuka, horrified.

"Quick, we gotta call poison control!" said Jim frantically.

"We're not done eating yet!" said Gene.

"Oh yeah." said Jim and Suzuka, settling down to eat their

delicious meal.

.........

"Oh my god! BARREL ROOOOLLLLL!" yelled Hanmyo, steering the

passenger plane into an extravagant barrel roll.

A flight attendant entered the cockpit, looking very angry.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, little girl?!" she yelled.

"You will address me as SUPER PILOT HANMYO while you are on

my plane, peon!" yelled Hanmyo. "Now get back to serving

drinks and whatnot, these are troubled skies!"

"You're the only one who's troubled!" said the woman,

pointing out the window. "There's nothing out there! We're perfectly

safe!"

Hanmyo ignored her. "Oh sweet Jesus, why?! MORE CLOUDS!

BARREL ROOOOLLLLL!"

"Aaaaaagh!" yelled the woman, flipping over and over.

"Ha HA! I sure showed that cloud!" said Hanmyo happily.

"Look, at least turn on the seatbelt sign next time!" pleaded

the woman.

"I'm not making any promises." sniffed Hanmyo. "Time to

double back in case anyone's following us!" She gave the plane a

lurch

and began flying in reverse.

"How the hell are you flying the ship in reverse?!" asked the

flight attendant. "Is that even possible?!"

"Anything's possible for SUPER PILOT HANMYO!" responded

Hanmyo. "Now get outta my cockpit and start serving drinks!"

"Y-yes ma'am." trembled the woman.

"Ah ah ah!" smiled Hanmyo, waving her finger. "What's my name again?"

"S-sorry...Super Pilot Hanmyo." said the woman.

"YELL IT!" yelled Hanmyo.

"SUPER PILOT HANMYO!" yelled the woman.

"SCREAM IT!" yelled Hanmyo.

"SUPER PILOT HANMYO!" she repeated, louder this time.

"Good work. Now get outta here!" Hanmyo commanded. The woman

scurried away, grateful to be alive. "HOLY KICKBOXING

JESUS ON BLACK SUNDAY! MORE CLOUDS! BARREL ROOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!"

...........

It was a hot hot hot day in the Blue Heaven mall. Tobeigera

and Dave were still after Melfina, who was shopping for new clothes

in

Uncle Busby's Sexless And Unappealing Dresses. I dunno, that sort of

thing was just Melfina's sort of dress.

"Okay dude, do you think she knows we're here?" asked

Tobeigera in a low voice.

"It's a safe bet, considering we aren't hiding anywhere,

aren't wearing any costumes, and I've been hitting on her for the

past half

an hour." said Dave. "So Melfina, finally got tired of Gene?"

"No, he got tired of me." spat Melfina. "He gets one brand

new bimbo in his life and he tells me I'm off the team! What about my

feelings, eh? What about my life?"

"Man, that's totally weak. I'd never do something that mean

to you." said Dave.

"YOU FUCKING LUNATIC!" yelled Tobeigera. "I'm sorry ma'am,

but I need to have a word with my FRIEND here." He sped off

carrying Dave along with him. They eventually found themselves on the

other side of the mall, near Mister Handsome's Greasy

Chicken Place. "Don't blow our cover like that, you retard!" yelled

Tobeigera.

"Look man, I'm sorry. I can't just turn off my hormones."

said Dave defensively.

"Well try, at LEAST." said Tobeigera. "God, if I didn't owe

you for saying my life I'd totally kill you."

"You always say that." shrugged Dave. He looked up at the

sign of Mister Handsome's Greasy Chicken Place. "Hey, wanna get

some fried chicken? It'll energize us, help us think. Give us time to

plan our next move!"

"Good idea." said Tobeigera. They entered Mister Handsome's

Greasy Chicken Place. The familiar smell of fresh roasting

genetically metamorphosed chicken invaded their nostrils. They walked

over to stand in line. "Hey, check out who's up there

ordering!" Tobeigera said urgently.

That's right! It was Ron MacDougall! "I want my slaw!" he demanded.

"You have your slaw, sir!" responded the clerk.

"I want my slaw!" yelled Ron.

"You have your slaw, sir!" said the clerk.

"I WANT MY SLAW!"

"You have your slaw, sir!"

"I WANT! MY! SLAW!"

"You have your slaw, sir!"

"I WANT MY SLAW!"

"You have your slaw, sir!"

"Um, I'd hate to interrupt, but can I have a word with you?"

interrupted Tobeigera, tapping Ron on the shoulder.

"Screw off." said Ron. He turned back to the clerk. "I WANT MY SLAW!"

"You have your slaw, sir!" said the clerk.

"Eh, never mind." shrugged Tobeigera. He turned to Dave.

"Let's get outta here. These two will be arguing forever. We'll never

get

served."

"True." said Dave. They left the restaurant.

"Look here," said Ron angrily. "YOU'LL GIVE ME MY SLAW OR

ELSE MY BROTHER WILL BE VERY MAD! He will EAT YOUR

HEART!"

"Sir...you have your slaw." sighed the clerk.

"VERY WELL!" yelled Ron. He whipped out his cell phone and

called up Harry. "Harry, we've got difficulties at the Greasy Chicken

Place! Come back me up, quick!"

"What's the matter?" asked Harry. "Did you get my slaw?"

"That's the problem. They refuse to give you any slaw." said Ron.

"But I NEED slaw!" whined Harry.

"I know, but these heartless bastards don't care about that."

said Ron bitterly. "We'll just have to MAKE them care."

"How are we going to do that, Ron?" asked Harry eagerly.

"Does it involve my robot suit?! Does it does it?! Huh?! Huh?!"

"It sure does!" laughed Ron.

"YAY!" cheered Harry.

"Ask the babysitter if it's okay with her." said Ron.

"Alrighty then, Ms. Babysitter! I'm gonna go kill some people

with my robot suit! Is that okay?" said Harry cheerfully. There was a

long pause. "Ron, she jerked spasmodically and coughed up like a

liter of blood. Is that a yes?"

"I guess so." said Ron warmly.

"Hooray!" yelled Harry.

...........

It was a lucious, beautiful, absolutely picture-perfect day

waiting in the hospital for word on Aisha's dismal chance of

survival. The

crew of the Party Ship, minus Gilliam, were sitting on a couch

outside Aisha's room. They all looked as if they'd been crying a lot.

They hadn't though, they didn't really care. They were just tired.

They all looked up at the doctor who came out of her room, looking

grim and sad.

"Doctor!" cried Gene, reading his expression. "What is it?!

Is she...is he..." He couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence.

"No, I just got fired. Man, I'm pissed." said the doctor.

"The girl, I don't know how she's doing."

"Oh, that's a relief." said Gene. "Good luck with the job

hunt!" The doctor moaned and walked away. Trust me, job hunts are

absolutely terrible. Never lose your job.

Just then another doctor left Aisha's room. He was looking

equally grim.

"What's going on, some kind of mass layoff?! Is our

healthcare system collapsing beneath our feet?!" yelled Gene

fearfully.

"Don't worry, it's nothing like that." sighed the doctor.

"It's your friend Ms. ClanClan. We successfully pumped her stomach of

the

horrible rotten smelly fish."

"Wow! That's wonderful!" said Suzuka happily. "Aisha's okay!"

"No, there's more to it than that." said the doctor sadly.

"We got the offensive fish out of her, but the toxic fish parasites

still remain

within her. Come on, perhaps you should see her." The Party Ship crew

followed him into Aisha's room. They saw Aisha just laying

in bed, looking fairly sickly. Of course anyone would be fairly

sickly after being forced to eat hospital food, but still.

"Heybee dooo shoopzee woo!" giggled Aisha.

"Painkillers." explained the doctor. "Anyways, there is only

one parasite discovered so far. An enormous one of unknown species,

it

is currently living in her throat."

"Holy cow! That's terrible!" said Jim.

"Aww...don't worry about it Jimmy..." said Aisha dreamily.

"Everything's okie dokie."

"Aisha, quit being corny." said Suzuka. Then something came

to her. It was a lost puppy! CUTE PUPPY CUTESY WUTESY! Oh

wait, no it wasn't. It was an idea. "Wait a minute...Aisha, say

something again!"

"Something again!" said Aisha.

"You hear that?" asked Suzuka. "It's fantastic!"

"What? What is it?" asked Gene.

"What's fantastic?" asked Aisha.

"There! There it was again!" exclaimed Suzuka. "Gene, it's a

miracle! Aisha's voice isn't gravelly and annoying anymore!"

"Walloping walrus! You're right!" responded Jim. "Her voice

is positively beautiful!"

"Hooray!" cheered Aisha. "....Walloping walrus?"

"Incredible!" remarked the doctor, typing frantically on his

computer. "The parasite burrowed into her throat must be affecting

the

vibration of her vocal chords somehow!"

"I feel so pretty!" said Aisha, crying with happiness.

The doctor printed out some mysterious doctor stats. "Well,

since the parasite doesn't seem to be causing her any harm, I think

it

would be alright if you guys took her home!"

"Awesome!" said Gene. "Come on Aisha, lets get going!"

"Yay!" said Aisha. "This is the greatest day of my life! Why,

I'm so happy I could SING!"

"OH MY GOD! GET BEHIND SOMETHING!" yelled Gene, jumping under

a table. Jim hid under Suzuka's dress while she ran to

hide in a walk-in closet.

But when Aisha sang, it was something no one expected. No one

started bleeding out of their eye sockets. The building didn't

collapse to the ground. The armies of hell weren't unleashed on the

Earth. No, it was an overall enjoyable experience. In fact, it was

an excellent bit of musical styling. It was downright beautiful. One

of the most magically vocalized and brilliantly expressed songs in

all history. You can tell she's talented because she did all that

with a Piebald song. Those guys are crap. When she finished the

song, everyone was awestruck.

"Aisha...that was beautiful." said Gene. He hugged her. "I

think I love you." Suzuka, Jim and the doctor hugged her as well. It

wasn't

as cool when they did, though. Alright, I'll admit Suzuka's hug was

pretty hot. But I'm getting off the point. So anyways they brought

Aisha home.

[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]

"It was about 6 or so months ago!" said Fred happily. "I went

into the Annual Heiphon Cooking Competition with low hopes of

winning, but when I won the grand prize I was ecstatic! The judges

were amazed by the excellence of my creation, and now you too

can taste the sensation that rocked Heiphon on that hot summer's day!

BUFFALO BEARS! Tastes like a buffalo, looks like a bear!

Only $5.49 a pound at any participating Barnes & Noble bookstore!"

[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]

"HOWDY YA'LL! WELCOME BACK TO THE PARTY SHIP! YEE-HEE!"

yelled Gilliam, wearing a cowboy hat.

"Gilliam, no. Just....no." said Suzuka, staring at him.

"Well, you guys didn't like the gangsta greeting, so I just

thought I'd try something different." said Gilliam.

"What?! I totally LOVED the gangsta greeting!" gushed Aisha.

She then did what was obviously supposed to be an impersonation

of the gangsta greeting. "Like this: 'HEY BITCH! I'M CUTTIN' YOU!'

That stuff was great!"

"Well, whatever then." shrugged Gilliam. "Um...HOMIES! WE GOT

A TRANSMISSION! YO!"

"Gilliam, you're SO white." sighed Gene. "Patch him through."

An overly happy and trendy face filled the screen. "Hi there!

You don't know me, but I'm gonna make that lovely catgirl standing

next

to you a millionaire!" said the man.

"Um, look mister, I don't do porno anymore." said Aisha. "So

don't even think about it."

The man laughed a whole bunch. Then he said: "No no, I'm not

a pornographer! I'm a big greasy record producer! And I wanna

make YOU my next star!"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????" said Aisha, confused.

"......That was really annoying." said the guy. "Anyways,

lets get you to sign this here contract!"

"Okie dokie!" said Aisha, signing.

"Hey, how did he give you that contract if he's on a TV

scree-" started Suzuka, but then I fish-smacked her. That's right,

I'm back on

the job! I could tell Aisha wanted to eat the fish, but she was still

too traumatized by her last fish experience to do anything but

tremble.

"Who the fuck was that retard with the fish?" asked the

record producer.

"Nobody knooooowwwwsss!" said Gene spookily.

"Um, alright." said the guy. "Anyways, I'm out. Aisha, I

can't wait to see you in the studio!" The screen went blank.

"Wow, Aisha!" said Gene, amazed. "You're gonna be a pop star!

This new voice really is a blessing, isn't it?"

"Yep! It's really very beautiful." said Suzuka. Everyone

stared at her. "Um...well. You know, I mean not BEAUTIFUL. But

like...uh...terrific."

"I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT!" yelled Gene. "Suzuka's a

lesbo! Suzuka's a lesbo!" He ran over to the window and threw it

open.

"GOOD MORNING, WORLD! SUZUKA'S A LESBO!"

"I am not! I am not!" yelled Suzuka. "It was a compliment! A

freaking compliment!"

"Well Suzuka, you know I'm straight of course..." said Aisha,

thinking. Her eyes flickered towards Suzuka. "But I suppose I'd be

willing to change, just for you."

"WHAT?!" yelled Suzuka.

"ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?" yelled Gene. "Honestly Aisha, don't

you think you could do a little better than THAT?"

"Nope!" said Aisha happily. "I totally LOVE Suzu!"

"Y-you...love me?" asked Suzuka, trying to escape.

"Oh yes! With all my heart!" said Aisha, hugging Suzuka.

"AGH! AAAH! GET HER OFF ME!" yelled Suzuka trying to pull

Aisha off of her.

"Aisha, quit molesting Suzuka! Stop it right now!" said Gene.

"Wait, what the fuck am I saying? Jim, go get my camcorder!"

"Yes sir!" responded Jim, rummaging through some boxes they

were too lazy to unpack when they moved in.

"GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF GET OF-Mrfllflrlfrl!" yelled Suzuka

to Aisha, who cut Suzuka off by deeply kissing her.

"HOLY SHIT!" yelled Gene. "Hurry up with the camera, Jim!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" yelled Jim.

"What the hell are you doing?! We have to get some of the

foreplay in!" yelled Gene.

"STOP UNDRESSING ME WITH YOUR TEETH!" yelled Suzuka.

"Oh.. would you rather I used my hands?" asked Aisha.

"No! Get off me!" yelled Suzuka.

Aisha gasped. "Ohhh...You must not want us to get it on in

front of the boys, is that it?"

"No! I don't want to get it on with you at all! Now get the

hell off me!" demanded Suzuka.

Aisha sighed and climbed off her. Suzuka stood up immediately

and put her robe back on. "For god's sakes Aisha. What is the

matter with you?"

Aisha sighed. "I was hoping...you'd have it in you to return

my feelings!" She cried and ran up to her room. There were some yells

from the upstairs neighbors, then she ran back down. "WE NEED A

BIGGER FUCKING APARTMENT!" Then she brushed some

trash off her bed and laid down to start crying.

"Come on Aisha, you aren't thinking clearly." comforted

Suzuka. "You don't ACTUALLY care about me that way, do you?"

"Of course I do!" sobbed Aisha. "Why else do you think I'd do

what I did?!"

"I...I don't know..." said Suzuka.

"Suzuka, I CARE about you! If you can't find it inside you to

return my feelings, then I'm SORRY I wasted your time!" yelled Aisha,

tears streaming down her face and running out of the room.

"....Quit looking at me like that. What do YOU think I should

have done?" asked Suzuka.

"Sexually pleasured her! Duh!" yelled Gene.

"Gene, you're a disgusting pervert. I'm NOT a lesbian! I

DON'T like that kind of thing!" said Suzuka.

"Oh, come ON! Don't try and tell me you didn't enjoy that!"

said Gene.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't, Aisha's a good kisser."

said Suzuka indignantly.

"There, there you go again! AGAIN with the lesbian stuff!"

said Gene. "You just don't like Aisha because she's BROWN! That's it,

isn't it!?"

"Oh come ON! Where did THAT come from?" asked Suzuka. "For

the last time, I don't like her because I'm NOT a lesbian!"

"A FINE excuse!" said Gene. "And what about GILLIAM?! Huh?!

Huh? It's because he's PINK, isn't it!"

"For fucks sake, he's a robot!" yelled Suzuka.

"And I'm a queer!" said Gilliam.

"Yeah, I was about to say that." said Suzuka.

"Look, why don't we all just calm down and get some rest.

We'll sort all this out in the morning." said Jim. And so they all

went to sleep.

..........

"Hmmm..." said Hanmyo thoughtfully. "It's time to address the

underlings." She reached up and pulled down the little pilot radio

thingy. "Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. Our scheduled

showing of 'Pet Semetary' as an inflight movie has been

CANCELLED so we can play the quiet game!" Sensing that some people on

the plane might not know how to play the quiet game,

she continued. "In the quiet game, the flight attendants will walk up

and down the aisle with baseball bats, smacking everyone in

the face who isn't being quiet. This will go on for about 5 hours.

Anyways, lets start playing! Everyone, have fun!"

3 HOURS LATER

"Damn, not a single one's been hit yet?" asked Hanmyo.

"No ma'am." said a flight attendant. "They're all really good

at playing!"

"Hmm... We need to mix things up a bit!" said Hanmyo evilly.

She pulled down the radio once again. She looked through a long list

of passengers. "Um, is there a Mrs...Gwen Khan on the plane?"

"I'm a man!" came a voice from somewhere at the back of the

plane. "Gwen may be a girl name, but I am a man!"

"YOU TALKED! YOU TALKED YOU TALKED!" yelled Hanmyo happily.

She turned to her minions. "Rough him up!"

...........

Suzuka yawned and sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

She looked around. "GENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" she

yelled.

"Um...this is my room." said Gene, eating a bowl of cereal

and watching TV. "It's everybody's room."

"Oh yeah." said Suzuka. "Well get outta here for a second. I

need to get dressed."

"Oh you don't have to be shy." said Gene. "I'm nude too!"

"What's wrong with you, you maniac?! Get the hell out!"

yelled Suzuka, tossing him into the bathroom. After she had gotten

dressed, she knocked on the bathroom door. "Alright, you can come out

now."

"Hang on, I'm busy." came Gene's voice from inside.

"Busy doing what?" demanded Suzuka.

"Um, well I'm...thinking about you." said Gene.

"Oh, well that's nic-" started Suzuka. Then she started

pounding on the door. "THINKING ABOUT ME?! You freaking sicko! Stop

right now!"

"You gonna make me? I locked the door!" laughed Gene evilly.

Suzuka tried the doorknob, it was indeed locked. "You leave

me out of your sick things you do! YOU HEAR ME!? You disgusting

weirdo!"

"Keep going Suzuka, JUST like that!" said Gene, talking to himself.

"No! Stop it! Stop!" yelled Suzuka, picking up her sword.

"SECRET TECHNIQUE!" She broke down the door and sent Gene flying

away. "Pervert!" she called after him. She left the bathroom and

looked around, noticing Jim in the kitchen mixing a large pot.

"Oh hey Suzuka!" he said. "I'm just making us some oatmeal!

Should be about done..." He turned off the oven and spooned the

oatmeal into two bowls. He grabbed one and turned on the tv.

Suzuka did the same. "Um...why are there giant clumps of

gravel in it?"

"Ah, well there was a little of Gene's salad left over and I

just had to get rid of it." shrugged Jim.

"Oh." said Suzuka, begrudgingly taking a bite. "Put it on

ABC, the news is on!"

Jim flipped the channel, barely containing his rage. Children

do not watch the news! Children watch cartoons! What MADNESS

was this insane sword woman speaking? All these thoughts were running

through his head at once, but they were quickly

replaced by images of happy bunnies eating root beer flavored

popsicles. Ah, the innocent mind of a child.

"Suzuka, look! It's Aisha!" yelled Jim, pointing at the TV

and turning the volume up all the way. Indeed, it was Aisha. She was

being

interviewed by a very obnoxious looking newswoman. But really, is

there any other kind?

"Yes, everyone's excited by all-new pop sensation Aisha's

debut concert!" said the woman, obviously through years of extensive

training for looking interested in something. "Through word of mouth,

her concert has reached an amazing level of public interest!

Here with me now is the super diva herself: Aisha!"

"Hi there!" said Aisha.

"She's having a concert already?" asked Suzuka skeptically.

"She doesn't even have any songs recorded yet!"

"I dunno, stranger things have happened in the world of

music." shrugged Jim. No they haven't. Both him AND Aisha are

lunatics.

"So Aisha," asked the interviewer. "How are you feeling abo-"

Aisha interrupted. "Excuse me, but I just HAVE to say

something. Last night I passionately kissed and tried to make love to

a

female roommate of mine, but let me just CLEAR UP all the speculation

about it!"

"What speculation? Nobody even knew who you were last night!"

said the interviewer. "And are you sure you want to be revealing

all this stuff on public television?"

"Please Katie, let me finish." said Aisha.

"Who the hell is Katie?" asked the woman. "My name is Trudy."

Aisha cleared up throat. "Anyways, I had no control over my

actions. It was like I was being possessed by some alien unknown

being! Really. Besides, there's no way my standards would be low

enough to try and romance her anyway. At least, not if I had

control of my own body."

"I feel vaguely insulted." said Suzuka, pulling a large clump

of moss out of her oatmeal.

"Wow! That's so interesting!" said Trudy. "Are you in good

enough shape for your concert tonight?"

"Oh, definitely." said Aisha. "I think the psychic control

was only a phase. I'm fine now."

"Great news, I'm sure we're all relieved to hear that! This

is one concert I'd hate to miss!" smiled Trudy. She turned to the

camera.

"You at home don't have to miss it either! The show will be held at

the Blue Heaven Grand National Concert Hall tonight at 7:00.

And now, it's time for the weather with Al Roker!"

"Who the hell is Al Roker? My name is Ted!" responded Ted the

weather guy, just before Jim flipped off the TV.

"So, Aisha's becoming a big huge pop star now." said Jim

appraisingly. "Think she'll still wanna be a part of the crew if

she's

touring all over the place?"

"I doubt it." said Suzuka. "Do you think she was really

possessed by a bizarre psychic force when she...you know..."

"Frenched you?" asked Jim.

"Yeah, that." said Suzuka.

"Oh yeah, a story like that's GOTTA be true." Jim said

simply. He stood up. "Come on, lets go buy our tickets!"

"What, we're going?" asked Suzuka.

"Of course we are! This is gonna be awesome!" said Jim,

waving his arms around. "You wanna see Aisha live on stage, singing

like crazy don't you?"

"I've got a bad feeling about this." said Suzuka, being cliché.

...........

"Doctor Clarksmith! Doctor Clarksmith!" yelled a little

doctor intern guy.

"What? What is it?" asked Doctor Clarksmith, the man who

treated Aisha earlier.

"Remember that fish poisoning patient we had earlier?" asked

the intern. "Aisha ClanClan?"

"Sure do!" sighed Clarksmith. "Such a beautiful singing voice!"

"Well, we have new data on her condition! Here!" said the

intern, handing him a piece of paper covered with mysterious doctor

readouts.

Clarksmith scanned over the notes, then looked up grimly.

"What... what does this mean?"

"I think you can tell from the notes, sir." said the intern,

also grimly. "It's not good."

"No really, what does this mean?" asked Clarksmith. "I

graduated last in my class at medical school."

The intern sighed. "It's the parasite lodged in Aisha's

throat. It's a horrible, horrible thing. It's like nothing this

universe has seen

before. We thought it had been destroyed many years ago, but we were

wrong. It is the remnants of a terrible being as old as

time..." The intern turned on a slide projector, then flicked it to

the first slide. It showed...

"PSYCHIC CACTUS!" yelled the intern.

"PSYCHIC CACTUS! HOLY SHIT!" yelled Clarksmith. "WE'RE ALL

GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DI-Wait, psychic cactus? What

the hell?"

The intern flicked to the next slide, which showed Gene and

the rest watching Melfina stomp the cactus to pieces. "3 years ago,

the

cactus formed an evil plan to bring cost-efficient ice cream to the

consumer faster and with more pizzazz than ever before!"

"That... that BASTARD!" said Clarksmith, gritting his teeth.

"Yes, it was terrible." said the intern. "Hundreds of people

bought ice cream who would have never had the chance before. The

economy boomed. Crime rates dropped to nearly zero, since all the

criminals were eating ice cream. The entire Heiphon system

had reached a level of pure, unfettered peace and harmony."

"ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I can't bear to hear another word!" yelled

Clarksmith. "Oh, how horrible it must've been!"

The intern continued, ignoring him. "But then Melfina, a

crazy android thing, unaffected by the cactus' psychic powers,

stomped him

into little pieces. It is by pure luck that the cactus, having

complete mental control over Gene Starwind at the time, wasn't smart

enough to just get Gene to shoot her. What a retarded cactus that

was. Or, just bad writing. But I digress."

"You know, that really doesn't make any sense." said Clarksmith.

"I know it doesn't. But since when is sensibility a factor in

Outlaw Star? Explosions, yeah!" said the intern, pumping his fist in

the

air. "But anyways, now that the one of the larger cactus chunks has

somehow found a way into her body, it's a safe bet that he has

her completely under his control. He's most likely using her to get

near to Melfina, so he can exact his revenge. And worst of all..."

the intern looked at Clarksmith grimly. "He has a HUGE LESBIAN

FETISH!"

"OH MY GOD!" yelled Clarksmith. "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"

The intern pulled a small tranquilizer-style dart out of his

pocket. "This dart is filled with a specially formulated poison, that

will only

affect the cactus and will leave Aisha completely unharmed."

"What are we gonna do with that?" asked Doctor Clarksmith.

"We're gonna shoot her with it at her big concert tonight!"

said the intern. "It's the only way! We must do it to save the

universe!"

"FOR THE UNIVERSE!" yelled Clarksmith, giving the intern a high five.

.........

"Alright, these are great seats!" said Jim happily.

"They sure are!" said Suzuka. The two of them were at the

concert, where else? They managed to get the worst seats in the

house,

up in the balcony and as far away from the action as humanly

possible. "Save the seat next to you for Gene."

"Gene?" asked Jim. "But didn't you send him flying awa-"

Suddenly Gene fell out of the sky and landed in the seat next

to Jim. "Hey guys! What's up?" he said through a bloody nose.

"Not much, we're at Aisha's concert thing." shrugged Jim.

"Concert, eh? Which way's the mosh pit?" asked Gene, looking around.

"Um, I don't think there is one." said Suzuka.

"Think any girls are going to throw their underwear up on the

stage?" asked Gene, looking down at the front row through some

binoculars. "I don't see any carrying extra bras..."

"Well...uh...no." said Jim. "I think they only do that for

overrated rock groups."

"Rats." said Gene, snapping his fingers. "At LEAST tell me

Aisha's going to jump around and trash her instrument!"

"Dude, Gene. No." said Jim.

"What?! What kind of gay concert is this?" asked Gene angrily.

"Gene, just shut the hell up." said Suzuka irritably.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean gay in a BAD way." said Gene

innocently. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"GOD DAMMIT, YOU STUPID BASTARD!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her

sword. But before she could do anything, she heard the

now-very-feminine voice of Aisha echoing through the large concert

hall. Suzuka took her seat immediately and started paying

attention. Then she got back up to set up her telescope so she could

actually see what was going on.

"Hello everybody!" said Aisha happily. "I'm Aisha! How many

of you out there are happy to see me?"

Nobody said anything. After a few minutes, some guy in the

16th row called out: "Who the hell are you?!"

"That's a great question!" said Aisha. "I'm Aisha ClanClan,

the latest pop sensation! Love me!" Her voice contorted strangely and

became significantly deeper. "I'm also a LESBIAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" She

coughed, and her voice returned to normal. "Wow,

I...that's not true. There are weird things controlling me. They make

me say bad things. Don't worry, I'm fine now."

The audience exchanged skeptical glances. "Damn, it's just as

I expected." said the intern, up in the balcony with Clarksmith. "The

cactus has definitely taken control of her."

"When do I get to shoot her?" asked Clarksmith.

"On my mark." said the intern. "She'll be weakest when she's

focused on singing."

"Roger." said Clarksmith, loading his gun.

"Anyways, lets get singing!" said Aisha happily. Then she

began to sing. It was a lovely, beautiful rendition of Jiminy

Cricket's

'When you Wish Upon a Star'. It was simply a perfect and powerful

song.

"Alright, get ready." said the intern. "When she sings that

one really great line, fire."

"Which one? 'When your heart is in your dreams' or 'your

dreams come true?'" asked Clarksmith.

"No no, I was thinking of 'Like a bolt out of the blue'."

said the intern. "Oh shit, she already passed that line! Fire, fire!"

"Roger!" yelled Clarksmith, firing. The shot flew and

penetrated her leg.

Aisha coughed, but kept singing. However, her voice was

changing. Instead of going back to her usual gravelly screech, it

became

the deep and maniacal voice of the cactus. "ARGH! THEY TRIES TO KILL

ME!" she yelled. "RAR! THEY WILL PAY!"

"What?! That should have worked!" said the intern, enraged.

"Yeah! That was one of my best paintball shots!" said Clarksmith.

The intern stared at him. "You shot her with a paintball

gun?! What the fuck happened to the poison dart?!" he yelled.

"Oh, I have that." said Clarksmith. "I just forgot the gun."

"GREETINGS, STUPID MORTAL PUNIES!" yelled Cactus-Aisha from

the stage. "Many years ago, I made a good-hearted effort to

sell ice cream to the people of the universe! But my plans were

foiled and now I plan to finish what I started 3 years ago!"

"Dude, this song sucks!" yelled the guy in the 16th row.

"STFU!" yelled Aisha.

"Hey, don't you DARE abbreviate at me, little miss rock

star!" yelled the guy.

"YOU DIE! YOU SHUT UP AND DIE!" yelled Aisha, psychically

levitation the guy in the air, then exploding him with blood and gore

showering on many audience members. "Yar har har! Nobody can stop me!"

"We HAVE to stab her with that dart!" said the intern. "But

we need a distraction!" He thought for a while, then snapped his

fingers.

"I'VE GOT IT!" He ran over to Suzuka, who was sitting a few seats

down the row from him. He tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse

me, miss."

She turned to look at him. "Yes?"

"Would you mind so terribly much going up on that stage,

stripping naked and making out with Aisha in front of all these

people?"

asked the intern.

"Yes, I certainly would!" said Suzuka angrily. "Why do you

want me to?"

"We need a beautiful woman to go up there and distract with

the cactus-tainted lesbian Aisha, so I can stab her with this dart

and

turn her back to normal!" said the intern.

"Wait...cactus?" asked Gene. "You mean that psychic cactus

that Melfina killed? THAT'S what's making Aisha go insane and kill

random people in the audience?" He dodged a falling woman's head.

"Yes, that's it." said the intern.

"So why do you need me? Get one of these thousand other

girls." said Suzuka, gesturing towards the huge mass of people in the

audience below her.

"Well, alright. Let me do a scan." said the intern. He pulled

out a piece of complex looking machinery and waved it over the

audience. He checked on a small screen. "No luck, they're all either

allergic to cats or have oral herpes."

"Crap! Well, I'm still not doing it!" said Suzuka.

"Come on, Suzuka!" said Gene, looking very determined. "You

HAVE to make out with Aisha! You need to do it to SAVE THE

UNIVERSE! Don't you WANT to save the universe?"

Suzuka sighed and looked from Gene, to the intern, then down

to Aisha, who was currently tearing the legs off of some guy with a

mullet, and then finally back to Gene. "Alright, I'll do it." She

stood up and walked down to the stage.

"Did you bring the camera?" asked Gene.

"Of course." said Jim, turning up the zoom all the way on his

camcorder.

Suzuka walked up onto the stage. Aisha stopped tearing the

guy's legs off and looked at her. "Well, are you here to challenge me

then? Twilight Suzuka?" asked Cactus-Aisha, sounding bored. "There's

no way you can defeat my powers, you know."

"Um, no." said Suzuka. She coughed. "Funny thing is, I'm here

to make out with you."

Cactus-Aisha looked amused. "So, this Ctarl Ctarl's lovely

body arouses you? You sure seemed awfully upset about it the other

day during my little...ADVANCE, but now I see how you truly feel."

Her eyes flashed. "Or even better, was it I who changed your ways

with that one little kiss?"

Suzuka gritted her teeth. "NO! OF COURSE NOT! I-" she paused.

The intern was in the front row, waving around what looked like

cue cards. Suzuka read off them. "That is, I've always cared deeply

for Aisha, and your advent...advance merely caught me off.

Guard. It caught me off guard. Now I am rea-dy to accept your

feelings, and to express the ones I've been holding in for so....very

long."

"Beautiful." said Cactus-Aisha, grinning. "So, you intend to

express your feelings for me in front of all these people, on

national

television?"

"I do not care who sees us. I merely want-" she paused while

the intern changed the card. "-us to be happy together."

Cactus-Aisha chuckled and raised an eyebrow. "Well if that's

all you want, let's not hesitate another moment." She ran to Suzuka.

I'm doing this for you, Aisha. thought Suzuka,

pulling her into a tight hug. And the universe. 

.........

"Hey, I thought I banned you idiots from your TV privliges

after you let our hostage escape." said Hazanko grumpily, entering

the TV

room of the Geomancer. Hitoriga, Jukei, and Leilong were sitting

casually on the couch watching TV.

"Come on Hazanko!" said Jukei pleadingly. "We're watching the

news! It's important to have a good knowledge of current events if

you're going to rule the universe!"

"I guess you're right." sighed Hazanko. He checked his watch.

"You have to be off in an hour, though. I'm taping Curb Your

Enthusiasm at 7:00."

"Fine, fine." muttered Leilong.

"And that's ONE haircut Barney the Dinosaur isn't likely to

forget!" said the news anchorman with a chuckle. "In related news,

there

are lesbians doing naughty things on channel 4. I repeat, LESBIANS

DOING NAUGHTY THINGS ON CHANNEL 4. Go check it out,

it's hot shit."

"Dude, think he's serious?!" said Hitoriga frantically.

"WHERE'S THE REMOTE?! Where's the remote?!" yelled Hazanko,

shoving everyone off the couch so he could check under the

cushions.

"Here it is!" yelled Leilong. "It was on top of the TV!"

"Who the hell put it there?" asked Jukei angrily.

"JUST CHANGE THE CHANNEL ALREADY!" yelled Hazanko. Leilong

quickly flipped the channel to 4. The live video feed of Suzuka

and Aisha making out in the nude filled their screen.

"HOLY CRAP!" yelled Leilong. "Are we taping this?!"

"Of course!" said Jukei.

"Hey, isn't that the Ctarl Ctarl who hangs out with the XGP

and Melfina?" asked Hazanko.

"Yeah, that IS her!" remarked Hitoriga. "And thats...THAT'S

SUZUKA! What the hell is she doing?! Betraying my unfounded love for

her in that fashion! And she told me she loved me!"

"No she didn't!" said Jukei helpfully.

"QUIET! BE QUIET!" yelled Hitorga.

"Well, we know where they are!" said Hazanko, happily

ignoring the idiots. "We're setting a course for Blue Heaven! There,

we may

begin the final showdown for possession of the XGP! Gene Starwind,

you will pay for your insolenc-"

"DUDE! Haha, THAT doesn't go THERE!" said Leilong, watching

by the passionate images on the screen.

"...Awesome." whispered Hazanko, sitting down on the couch

next to Jukei and watching.

.........4 HOURS LATER

"Well? Weren't you gonna stab Aisha with that dart or

whatever?" said Gene to the intern skeptically.

The intern glanced up at Gene. "Oh yeah, right. Sorry, but

the two of them are just so mesmerizing." He ran up on stage and

stabbed Aisha in the back of the neck with the dart.

Cactus-Aisha moaned and stood up to face the intern. "YOU!

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" she yelled, enraged.

Suzuka stood up shakily and put her clothes back on.

"I stabbed you with a specially formulated poison dart!" said

the intern. "You are already powerless against me and will be dead in

moments! Your toxic cactusy self will be cleansed of this woman's

body in moments!"

"GOD DAMN YOU! I CAN FEEL IT WORKING!" yelled Cactus-Aisha,

seething with rage. She doubled over on the floor, coughing.

"Damn...I didn't sell the universe ice cream...I failed." The cactus

summoned the remaining control it had over Aisha and looked

Suzuka in the eyes. "At least I had you, to make me happy one last

time before I died." Suzuka shivered at her gaze. Aisha gave a

final retching cough and spat the large cactus chunk on the ground,

where it almost instantly withered into dust. No one said

anything for a couple minutes.

Aisha stood up, and put all her clothes on. She glanced

around at the audience. "Would anyone mind telling me what the fuck

is

going on?" She asked in her regular, scratchy voice.

"It's a long story." sighed Gene. "About 19 and a half pages

long to be exact. The only important part was when Suzuka did naughty

things with you. Twice."

"I didn't WANT to!" protested Suzuka quickly. "The first time

she practically raped me and the second time I had to do it to save

her

life!"

"You...you did naughty things with me so you could save my

life?" asked Aisha.

"Yes. It was mere business in the strictest sense." said

Suzuka, crossing her arms.

"Well, thanks anyway!" said Aisha happily, hugging Suzuka.

"Actually, she didn't have to do naughty things with you at

all." said the intern. "All she really had to do was flirt, but I

guess she

wanted to take things a bit further."

"Wh-what?!" sputtered Suzuka. "But you said...I thought..."

"No, all I said was for you to distract her." shrugged the

intern. "Guess you secretly wanted it to be a little more, huh?"

"I did NOT!" said Suzuka angrily. "You just...you should have

made yourself clearer!"

"Awww, don't worry about it Suzu!" said Aisha happily. "I'm

sure Cartoon Network will edit that scene out for the American

airing!"

"Hey yeah, you're right!" said Suzuka, brightening up. "Hoorah!"

"Come on, lets go home and eat something! Got any of that

salad left, Gene?" said Aisha, skipping around the stage.

"That reminds me, you should probably lay off of Gene's

salads." said the intern. "I have a feeling that's where the cactus

came

from in the first place, rather than the rotten fish."

"My salads are made from only the finest crap that I find in

my neighbors trash cans and/or washed up on the beach!" said Gene

grumpily. "How dare you try and shove the blame off on me?"

"Say, Mr. intern guy, wanna join us for dinner?" asked Aisha.

"You have my thanks for saving me just as much as Suzuka!"

"I'd normally accept, but I'd better report to my

supervisor!" he said with a laugh. "After this, I'm sure to get made

into a full-fledged

doctor!"

"Ah. Well, good luck with that." said Aisha. She turned to

Jim, Suzuka, and Gene. "Come on, lets go get some pizza!"

"ALRIIIIIGGGGHHHT!" they cheered, high fiving each other.

Damn, how corny.

........

[CUE HARMONICA BACKGROUND MUSIC]

"Well, I guess that's that." said Harry sadly, fully clad in

his big robot suit.

"Yep, that was loads of fun!" Ron said, satisfied. He glanced

over the rubble of the Blue Heaven mall. "That'll show those bastards

to not give the MACDOUGALL BROTHERS their coleslaw!"

"Hey, wanna go home and dispose of the babysitter?" asked Harry.

"What, you already killed her?" asked Ron. "I thought you

were out of this habit! The last one lasted you a whole month!"

"No, she's not quite dead." said Harry. "She's barely

clinging to life. It's so cool, wait'll you see her!"

"Harry, you're one disgusting monster." chuckled Ron.

"Excuse me, Mr. MacDougall guys?" asked a woman's voice from

behind them.

"Eh? Who is it?" demanded Harry, whirling around. "I didn't

think we left anyone aliv-" he paused and looked at her. "MELFINA!"

"Rad!" said Ron.

.........

"You dumbass!" said Dave, punching Tobeigera. They were

watching the MacDougalls and Melfina from behind a crumbled wall.

"If you hadn't have stopped me, we'd already have her by now! And now

the freaking MacDougalls got her!"

"Shut up! I have wolverine-ripoff hand blades!" yelled

Tobeigera, frustrated.

"TELL ME A JOKE, YOU CLOWN-HEADED MUTANT!" yelled Dave.

"NO!" yelled Tobeigera. "MY CLOWN HEAD JOKE DAYS ARE OVER!"

Dave gasped.

---------------------

Wouldn't it be nice if I had the sense to split this chapter

into 2 separate parts? Yes, I expect it would be. Well it's too much

to wish

for. I'm much too impractical and foolish to do something so very

wise. Hey wait a minute, I COULD cut this one in half! Then put

both halves up, and it'll look like I have more chapters! This

chapter is about the length two of my regular ones anyway, so

technically it's not unethical!

Jet: Sorry to interrupt your evil scheming, but someone is

boarding our little space station thing.

What?! Who dares?! Set up the traps!

Jet: Too late, whoever it is is already knocking on our

office door. I'll go answer it. walks over, opens door, then shuts

it really

quickly and locks it

What? What is it?

Jet: It's her! Suzuka! I TOLD you she'd be pissed after

today's chapter!

Shit! Quickly, lets tie bedsheets together and climb out the window!

Jet: ...We're in deep space. I really don't think that would

be very wise.

Suzuka: breaks down door, holding sword WHAT IS THE MATTER

WITH YOU, YOU LUNATIC!?

Eeek!

Jet: Uh, I'm outta here. Good luck, dude.

Suzuka: I have a very strict "NO LESBIANISM" clause in my

contract, and what do you do? You go and make me make out with

Aisha TWICE!

Actually, the second time was a full-fledged lovefest.

Suzuka: Whatever! My agent will have something to say about

this, I can assure you!

No! Don't tell your agent! I'll write a love scene between

you and Vash the Stampede in the next chapter! I promise!

Suzuka: HAHAHAHA! You think you can tempt me with your

foolish promises? Not likely! For I am TWILIGHT SUZUKA! And when I

put my mind to something I'm way too stubborn to listen to

reason!....Will you really?

Yes! Cross my heart and hope to die!

Suzuka: Stick a needle in your eye?

Yes!

Suzuka: Jab a dagger in your thigh?

Yes!

Suzuka: EAT A HORSE MANURE PIE?!

Um... well I....

Suzuka: Agent! Oh A-GENT! Look what JHeman did!

Alright alright, fine! Jeez!

Suzuka: Glad we could do business together!

Grrr... Oh well, next episode everybody: SUZUKA AND VASH MAKE

SWEET SWEET LOVE!

Suzuka: I can't wait!

groan


	16. Radical Rescue

Alright, hey there loyal people who all totally rock! It's

another great chapter for you today! First of all, I apologize for

last episode and it's overt

shoujo-ai romance! It was something I needed to do. This story would

never be truly complete for me if Aisha and Suzuka never did naughty

things with each other. I can guarantee this will never happen again.

I can also guarantee that Suzuka will never hear the end of it from

Gene. Although, that's kind of a given. Anyways, this chapter is some

more plot advancement. After this chapter everything will go back to

normal, and just be more stupid pointless comedy. I'm officially

ending the Missing Melfina arc. Radness!

Jet: You know, I told someone I met in a bar yesterday that I

knew someone who was pretty famous.

Ah, you mean me of course?

Jet: Yep. Of course, when she asked me who it was I was a

little ashamed to tell her. I begrudgingly told her anyways, and she

looked at me

with disgust and left the bar.

...Well what did you expect? Anyways, enjoy the chapter everyone.

"Suzuka! Aisha's in trouble! You'll have to warm her up with

your BODY HEAT!" yelled Gene frantically.

"What?! But she's not hypothermic! She has a bee sting!"

protested Suzuka.

"This is a dire emergency! If Aisha dies, and you survive,

will you honestly be able to live with yourself? Will your current

plan of NOT taking

off all your clothes and NOT hugging Aisha's hot nude body really

seem so good anymore?" asked Gene.

"Gene, shut up. Aisha's perfectly alright." said Jim.

"NO SHE ISN'T SHE'S DYING OF PAIN!" yelled Gene.

"Actually, she's kicking you repeatedly in the groin."

corrected Suzuka.

"Oh...yeah." sighed Gene.

"Stupid perverted Gene!" yelled Aisha, delivering a few more

solid kicks.

Suddenly the video phone thing started ringing. "I'LL GET IT

I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT!" yelled Aisha, finally done kicking and

running over to

the phone.

"NO I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT!" yelled Gene, tackling Aisha to

the ground.

While they were distracted, Suzuka ran over and picked up the

reciever. "PITFUL FOOLS! IT IS I, TWILIGHT SUZUKA, WHO GOT IT!" She

cleared her throat. "Hello?"

The face of Fred Luo appeared on the screen. "Oh, hello there

Suzuka! I saw you making out with Ms. ClanClan on TV yesterday, and

all I

can say is...WOW. It's great what you girls are doing to protest the

limited rights the homosexual crowd is forced to endure!"

"Now wait just a minute here, Fred!" said Suzuka.

"I trust with all my heart that you and Aisha will one day be

very happy together!" said Fred, stroking his earlobe. "But that's

not why I called.

I'd love to talk to you all day long, maybe schedule some marches,

but I actually have some business to discuss with Gene. Is he in?"

"Yes, but me and Aisha really aren't-" started Suzuka, but

Gene shoved her out of the way.

"What is it, Fred? How much does it pay?" asked Gene.

Fred laughed. "That's a good question, Mister Gener Lovsie

Muffskins."

"Mister Gener Lovsie Muffskins?" Gene wondered.

"That's right!" giggled Fred. "Anyways, the job I have

planned for you is pretty simple. All I want you to do is take care

of my little pet doggie for

a few days while I go on vacation!"

"Awesome! That sounds easy enough, how much does it pay?" asked Gene.

"$30,000 a day!" said Fred happily. "So what do you say?"

"We'll do it!" said Gene. "We'll stop by your place in a few

hours to pick the little guy up!"

"Sounds great!" said Fred. "See ya later Gene, you Puffy

Wuffy Borgenstern! And Suzuka and Aisha, don't forget my invitation

to your

wedding! Ciao!" The screen went blank.

"......Puffy Wuffy Borgenstern?" asked Gene.

"......Wedding?!" asked Suzuka and Aisha incredulously.

"......CIAO?!?!" yelled Jim, utterly confused.

It was a smashing, lip-smackingly flavorful day in the

MacDougall's secret base. Melfina was chained against a wall, and Ron

and Harry

were discussing what to do with her.

"I'm telling you, the red one is awesome! He could wipe out

the blue guy any day of the week!" yelled Harry.

"You don't know what you're saying." said Ron dismissively.

"There's no way the red guy could take on the blue guy and win!" Or

wait...Maybe they weren't discussing Melfina at all. Maybe they were

discussing Power Rangers. Whatever.

Ron sighed and glanced over at Melfina.

"What is it, Ron?" asked Harry. "Did ANOTHER middle school

girl take out a restraining order on you?"

"No, it's worse!" said Ron. "We have Melfina, but that

doesn't matter! We need the Party Ship!"

"Since when do we want the Party Ship?" asked Harry. "I

thought we just wanted revenge on Gene Starwind."

"Oh yeah." shrugged Ron. "That would have been a huge plot

mistake if we went ahead with that, I'm glad we caught it in time.

Yes, thank

you. That was all me." He coughed. "Lets hold her up for ransom!"

"Brilliant! Sheer brilliance!" remarked Harry. "I give this

plan 4 stars. One star had to be deducted for lack of originality."

"Um, okay." said Ron. "But anyway, shall we call Gene now and

give him a ransom video thing?"

"Shure." said Harry, rebelling against correct spelling

enthusiasts everywhere.

"Good, we're nearing Blue Heaven! We must catch Melfina and

the XGP if it's the last thing we do!" yelled Hazanko.

"Um, why?" asked Hitoriga. "We already used Melfina to get to

the Galactic Leyline, our plan failed and we all died, and now we're

all back to

life for some inexplicable reason with the Leyline in a totally

different and unknown part of the universe. What's there left to do

with her?"

"I'd smite you with my super powers, but you raise a good

point." sighed Hazanko. "I can only assume that Melfina will be able

to guide us to

the Leyline's new location, where I will be able to attain my

ultimate goal of MEGA POWERY!" He yelled those last couple of words

really loud

with his hands up in the air.

"Oh, well I guess that kind of makes sense." said Jukei

thoughtfully. "But what if we all die again? It happened the last

time."

"You'll have to trust me." said Hazanko simply. "I'm taking

extra special precautions to make sure none of you are injured."

"Uh, didn't you just kill the clowny-head guy for no reason

and in a horrible bloodlust once you got all your power?" asked

Leilong.

"Um, yeah." said Hazanko, scratching his neck. "About

that...you see, it was an accident. Yeah. I slipped."

"Hey, no need to make stuff up. I never said it was the wrong

thing to do." shrugged Leilong.

"...And here's the VCR I bought that makes my TV look more

expensive!" said Fred happily. "Isn't it neat?"

"Fred, as much as we loved that complete tour of your

house..." said Gene sarcastically. "We'd really like to just get the

puppy and get out of

here."

"Puppy?" wondered Fred. "Ah yes, puppy. Come on, I think he's

sleeping in the laundry room."

They followed Fred into his laundry room. They glanced

around, looking for signs of a puppy of some kind. Seeing none,

Suzuka decided

the most favorable decision in this situation would be to ask about

the puppy's whereabouts. "Where's this dog-thing you speak of?"

"Lets see...He should be dry by now!" said Fred happily,

walking over to the dryer and pulling a puppy out of it. "He looks

pretty good, still a

little moist..."

"I HATE THAT WORD." said Suzuka firmly. "Don't ask why, I

just hate it." But really, moist is such a horrible word. Just say it

out loud a few

times. Moist moist moist. Holy crap, that word is disgusting.

"Still a little DAMP..." said Fred, correcting himself.

"Maybe 5 more minutes." He tossed the puppy into the dryer and set

the timer again.

"Criminy! Are you insane?" asked Jim. "You can't put puppies

in the dryer!"

"How else was I going to dry him off from when I put him in

the dishwasher?" asked Fred grumpily.

"You put him in the dishwasher?!" said Aisha incredulously.

"Don't worry, I remembered the soap!" giggled Fred. "Now he's

all clean!"

"You know Fred, I'd really like to hear your reasoning for

putting a living creature into the agitator cycle." said Suzuka. "And

while we're at it,

lets hear about the creation of the universe and everyone's purpose

for existence."

"I'm glad you asked!" said Fred happily. "Everyone's purpose

for existence is really simple to understand. It's one of those

things where

after you hear the answer you're all like: 'Oh, DUH!' Anyways, all it

really is is-"

"Hang on Fred, hold that thought. I got a phone call." said

Gene, pulling out his cell phone. "Hello?"

The face of Ron MacDougall filled the cellphone's small

viewcreen thing. "Hello there, Gene Starwind! Muahahahaha!" he

laughed evilly.

"Oh, hey there Ron!" said Gene happily. "Are we still playing

bingo at your place tonight?"

"Um...no." coughed Ron. "I'm cancelling it."

"What?! Why!?" yelled Gene angrily.

"Oh, I'LL show you why!" said Ron maliciously, moving aside

so Gene could see Melfina tied up against the wall.

"Oh, so you've got company over?" asked Gene. "That's okay,

she can join in! It'll be fun!"

"No, you utterly bogus brain-lacker!" yelled Ron. Man, that's

one stinging insult. "We've got your navigator/girlfriend held for

ransom!"

"I'm still not seeing how that's any decent reason to cancel

bingo night." said Gene stubbornly.

Ron sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Alright alright, bingo

night isn't cancelled. Just come over here and pay off the ransom so

we can

close this stupid plan." He turned and yelled to someone offscreen.

"4 STARS INDEED! Consider yourself grounded, mister!"

The screen went blank. "Well I guess that's that." sighed

Gene, putting the cell phone back in his pocket. "We'd better go save

our navigator

girl. What was her name again?"

"We have a navigator girl?" wondered Jim.

"Wasn't her name Melinda or something?" asked Suzuka. "Melissa?"

"I thought it started with an K." said Aisha, scratching her head.

"Nevertheless, we must save her!" said Gene. "It is our duty,

and despite her revolting haircut she's actually kinda cute!"

"Wait, take puppy with you!" said Fred happily, pulling the

puppy out of the dryer and tossing him to Gene. "Puppy loves

adventures! Don't

you puppy? Remember our adventure with the trash compactor? What a

fun day that was!" The puppy whimpered.

"He's so cute!" said Aisha. "What's the little guy's name?"

"Name? Some people NAME their pets?" asked Fred. "Well, I

guess you can just call him Cleveland for now. Just don't let him

bite you, I've

been suspecting he has rabies for quite some time now." Cleveland

jumped at Aisha and bit her in the face.

"Agh!" yelled Aisha.

"Good dog!" said Gene happily. He turned with the rest of the

crew to walk out the door. "Well Fred, we'll see you later!"

"Bye Gene! And remember, if you see him flirting with any

girl dogs, give him a good kick! I want him to be raised RIGHT!" said

Fred,

sounding very determined.

[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]

It was a day. No need to go any further into it. Suzuka was

standing in the middle of a field, looking tired.

"Man, what a rough day of killing highstanding political

figures for dirt pay this has been!" sighed Suzuka, wiping her

forehead with a towel.

Suddenly a plate full of buttered toast appeared next to her in a

puff of smoke. "Good thing I have buttered toast to cease my hunger!"

She

picked up one of the toasts (is that a word?) and was about to eat

it, when a voice rang out all around her.

"But wait Suzuka!" said the narrator. "Butter is high in

cholesterol! How do you expect to look and feel your best when eating

such fattening

foods?"

Suzuka laughed and turned all happy-like. "It's not real

butter, you horrible fool! It's something totally different!"

"Oh, so it's disgusting fake butter made out of soy and

stuff?" wondered the narrator, as the word SOY appeared in giant

letters above

Suzuka's head.

"No way!" said Suzuka enthusiastically, jumping up and

cutting the word in half. "I take my health one step further with...I

CAN'T BELIEVE

IT'S NOT SOY!" She yelled these last few words, and held up a little

plastic container with 'I Can't Believe It's Not Soy!' written on it.

"Oh, good choice Suzuka!" said the narrator happily. "Why

don't you tell our viewers at home all about it?"

"I'd be glad to!" said Suzuka enthusiastically. Her

background changed from a field to a screen with a bunch of germs or

something zoomed

in on it. He sword magically turned into a pointer stick thing. She

gestured it towards the screen. "While everyone in this day and age

thinks

soy is really really good for you, that really couldn't be further

from the truth! Soy is filled with a deadly toxin called PROTEIN.

That's right,

protein. Protein is known for it's ability to build strength, keep

your heart healthy, and worst of all: BUILD MUSCLE MASS." About here

the

music started getting sadder and the lights started getitng dimmer.

"Why, I used to eat foods with protein in it all the time! Yes, it's

true. You

can't tell it from looking at me, but I used to be a huge protein

junkie!"

But then everything brightened up and the background changed

to up on top of a rainbow of some kind. "But not anymore!" she said,

now

happy again. "Now I've completely cut protein out of my diet, and

I've managed to cut my shave body weight down by 75%! If I can do it,

you

can too! And I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT SOY is only the first step!"

"That's a wonderful story, Suzuka!" said the narrator. "But

tell us, DOES it taste like real soy?"

"I don't really notice, I had my taste buds surgically

removed so I wouldn't be tempted to feed myself more than once every

two weeks!" said

Suzuka cheerfully.

"You heard her, folks!" said the narrator happily. "I CAN'T

BELIEVE IT'S NOT SOY! Taking your health one step further."

[AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW!]

"HAIL LORD HAZANKO!" yelled the Anten Six.

"Thank you, Anten people." said Hazanko. "As you all know,

the universe is corrupt. It is our mission as agents of the

idealogical

organization of the 108 Suns to...wait a second, Anten Six?" He

turned to look at Hanmyo. "When the heck did YOU get back?"

"When I crashed a huge jet liner into the side of the ship!"

said Hanmyo happily. "How'd you miss that?"

"YOU WHAT?!" yelled Hazanko. "Hamushi, assess the damage!"

"The plane penetrated the hull, but no oxygen is escaping."

said Hamushi. "The ship is pretty much intact."

"Good. Hitoriga and Leilong, go gather the wallets of the

dead passengers. Bring the survivors to me. Gather the survivor's

wallets as well

while you're at it." said Hazanko.

"I need a new wallet, can I keep one of them?" asked Hitoriga.

"I suppose." sighed Hazanko.

"Can I keep one?" asked Leilong.

"Sure, why not?" said Hazanko.

"Can I keep the money in it?" asked Leilong.

"No!" said Hazanko. "The money we gain will go to fund our

journey to recapture Melfi-"

"What about me? Can I?" asked Hitoriga.

"No! Now get your act together and get down to that plane!"

yelled Hazanko, standing up.

"What if they have any fan club membership cards? I love the

feeling of being a part of something bigger!" said Hitoriga happily.

"GET MOVING!" yelled Hazanko, pulling a rope hanging from the

ceiling and opening a trap door beneath the two of them.

"AAAAAAH!" the two idiots yelled as they fell down.

"AAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAH! OH GOD HELP ME!" yelled a cop.

"What? What is it?" asked Tobeigera, walking up to him.

"Are you in pain?" asked Dave.

"Alright, wiseguys!" said the cop, ceasing his screaming.

"I'm the law in this town, and if I want to scream like a maniac for

no apparent

reason I damn well have the authority to! You boys are coming

DOWNTOWN!" He slapped some handcuffs onto them.

"What?! We didn't do anythin-" started Dave. "Wait a second,

aren't we ALREADY downtown?"

"It's very possible." said the cop mysteriously. "Now come

with me, you little hooligans!" He started walking and dragging the

two of them

behind him.

"Crap! What are we going to do now?" asked Dave. "Every

second we waste is one more second we...um... I dunno, the point here

is that

we're wasting seconds."

"Don't worry about it!" yelled Tobeigera. "I've been training

for this day! It's time to use my powers to save us!"

"Alright!" said Dave happily. "You have Tao magical powers too?"

"Um...well not quite." sighed Tobeigera. "Hey there officer!

Why do cars like my jokes?"

"Because they have no feelings and are therefore incapable of

completely hating them like everyone else in the universe?" wondered

the

cop.

"Uh, no. They never TIRE of hearing them!" chuckled

Tobeigera. He sighed and look at the cop. "But I guess your answer

works too..."

"Of course it does! I'm the law, and everything I say is

right!" said the cop angrily. "Walk faster!" They arrived at the

police station, and the cop

shoved them into two chairs in an interrogation room.

"I'm not gonna ask you again!" demanded the cop. "Where's the

secret Pop Boppin' Treasure?"

"You never asked us in the first place." said Tobeigera. "And

what the hell is the Pop Boppin' Treasure?"

The cop chuckled. "Heh heh, I should be the one asking YOU

that! Dippy!"

"Um, excuse me?" asked Tobeigera.

"Dippy. It's what all the cool punk rockers are saying

nowadays." said the cop.

"...You're not a punk rocker!" exclaimed Dave.

"WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" yelled the cop. "You may be a

multi-billionaire web designer, but I think you're forgetting who has

the most

AUTHORITY in this room!"

"Officer, are you on crack?" asked Tobeigera.

"Yes and no." sighed the cop. "Now show me your wallers!"

"...Wallers?" asked Dave. "You mean wallets?"

"Don't get French with me, mister!" yelled the cop. "Now hand

over the wallers!" Tobeigera and Dave handed him their wallets.

The cop opened Dave's wallet and looked through it. "AHA!

This picture here is PROOF that you've been illegally producing

oatmeal-flavored soap in your basement! I've caught you now!"

Dave looked at the picture. "That's a picture of me and my

sister playing Scattergories!"

"SILEEENNNNCE!" yelled the cop. "How do I know there's not

some kind of sinister subplot behind this game of Scattergatters?!"

"It's called Scattergories!" said Tobeigera, frustrated.

"I'm locking you boys up for a long time!" said the cop evilly.

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Dave and Tobeigera.

"Alright, so how do we find the MacDougall's secret hideout?"

asked Gene. Him, the crew, and Cleveland were wandering around the

city

trying to think of a plan. They weren't succeeding because they we

were playing catch with Cleveland, and didn't have much time to

think.

"We could always violently interrogate the locals." said Suzuka.

"No way, remember last time we tried that?" sighed Gene.

"What's that supposed to mean? We got to the flea market on

time, didn't we?" asked Suzuka.

"Oh sure, that plan worked fine THEN..." said Aisha. "But

what about the time we had to get to the bake sale on time? Or when

we had to get

to that Aerosmith concert? Or when-"

"Alright, I'll admit the violent interrogation didn't pan out

so well in those situations, but we just didn't execute it well

enough. We need to

strike harder and faster this time!" said Suzuka enthusiastically.

"Here's a plan that DOESN'T require us killing half the

people in the city." said Aisha, rolling her eyes. She paused. "...Oh

wait, it does

actually. Never mind."

"Well this totally sucks." sighed Gene. "I guess we'll have

to do constant surveillance of the city, never eating or sleeping.

We'll have to

physically comb every square inch of Blue Heaven tirelessly, hoping

for-"

"Alright guys, I'm back." said Jim happily. "I just got their

adress from a phone book over there, so lets get going!"

"I guess that works..." shrugged Gene.

"Alright! We have retrieved all survivors and the

non-survivor's wallers!" said Hitoriga happily. "I mean, wallets."

"Excellent!" said Hazanko, rubbing his hands together. "How

much cash did you get?"

"Not a single penny." shrugged Leilong. "The flight was

reserved entirely for members of Money Sucks, an extremist group of

people who

hate money for no particular reason."

"Damn. Some luck we have." sighed Hazanko. "What about the

survivors? Any lookers?"

"Um, lookers?" wondered Hitoriga.

"Yes, you know. Babes. Chicks. Skirts. Hos. Dames. Preteens.

Whatever you want to call them." said Hazanko.

"Oh. No, none of those." said Hitoriga, staring at Hazanko

strangely. "We did get old whats-his-name, though."

"How y'all doin'!!?" yelled Gwen Khan.

"Wow! Gwen Khan!" said Hazanko, amazed. "I haven't seen you

since high school! Remember the song?"

"Haha, do I ever!" said Kahn. "Yes, I certainly do. Yep. I

remember it."

[HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES SING-A-LONG!]

(Hazanko and Gwen change into Elvis costumes and start dancing a ton)

Hazanko: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Khan: There's something! I said there's something I know!

Hazanko: Yeah! Rock! Rock!

Khan: My ex-girlfriend! She's kind of a ho!

Hazanko: Oh yeah! Break it down!

Khan: 'Cause she turned me down!

Hazanko: That's what! It's what!

Khan: Turned me down at the PRROOOOOM!

Hazanko: At the prom! Whoa yo!

Khan: That's what I'm saying! Take it, Sporky!

(music stops playing)

Hazanko: Sporky?

Khan: Yeah, that was your nickname. Remember?

Hazanko: Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

Khan: No biggie.

Hazanko: Word.

(music starts again)

Hazanko: My teacher ate my lunch!

Khan: Yeahyeah! YEEAH!

Hazanko: She bit it, chomped it, chewed!

Khan: I'm going! Yeah, I'm going!

Hazanko: She spit the seeds into my tea!

Khan: WHOA WHOA WHO- Wait a second...

Hazanko: AND THEN MY TEA TURNED BLUUUEEE!

Khan: Is that how it went?

Hazanko: I think so. I dunno, it's been a long time.

Khan: Okay...What happens next?

Hazanko: Next? Did we have another verse?

Khan: I'm pretty sure we did.

Hazanko: Weird, I don't remember ever having one.

Khan: (shrugs) Maybe I'm wrong.

Hazanko: ....

Kahn: .....And while we're at it, did we always wear these Elvis

costumes?

(music stops)

[THIS HAS BEEN HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES SING-A-LONG!]

"Okay, I'm sorry everyone. That was simply embarrassing."

said Hazanko, pulling off his Elvis wig of doom.

"I thought it was cool." said Hamushi. "I mean, it was nice

to actually see you move once in a while.

"What do you mean?" asked Hazanko.

"Seriously, you must have had like 4 animated sequences

throughout the Outlaw Star series. The rest of the time you just sort

of stood

around." said Hamushi.

"Series? Whatchoo talkin' bout?" asked Kahn.

"Oh, don't worry about her Gwen." sighed Hazanko. "These are

the most skilled and fearless soldier people in the galaxy. They have

been

stained with the blood of innocents countless times. She's probably

just feeling some lingering side efects. Like insanity."

"Goodness, I didn't know being a pirate was so

sanity-taxing!" said Kahn worriedly.

"Oh, of course it is!" said Hazanko happily. "Why, Jukei here

got so raving we had to put him in that straitjacket!"

"I wasn't insane, I was calling Windows XP well-crafted and

bug free!" said Jukei angrily. "Oh...Yeah. Never mind."

"Nevertheless, you're just the person I wanted to see, Kahn!"

said Hazanko cheerfully.

"I felt the same way!" sighed Kahn. "It's a shame how

everyone can forget their youth so easily! Indeed it is."

"That's not what I meant." said Hazanko. "We need your

knowledge of Melfina and the rest of that crap in order to achieve

our goal! So tell

me, will you help us?"

"Yessiree, I'd be glad to. Yep, uh huh. Totally. Right on. I

will. Yes." said Kahn.

"Yay!" said Hazanko. "Welcome to the team!" He and Kahn shook hands.

"Hazanko, we're now in orbit Blue Heaven." said Hamushi.

"It's about fucking time."

"Commence the landing procedure!" commanded Hazanko. "And

remember Leilong, it's NOT the self destruct button, it's the one

NEXT to

it."

"Jeez, I make one mistake and I hear about it the rest of my

life." muttered Leilong, pressing the Landing Procedure button.

"All I'm saying is that if you gave a robot a little baby

robot to take care of, 9 times out of 10 the big robot would light

the baby robot on fire."

sighed Ron.

"That's a lie, back at the orphanage there were robots taking

care of babies all the time." said Harry. "Very VERY few got lit on

fire!"

"I know, but it's the fact that the robot is forced to take

care of one of it's own kind." said Ron. "Robots are made to serve

humans, and the

big robot would see the baby robot as competition for it's master's

affections."

"No! You're lying!" sobbed Harry, covering his ears.

"BabyKillerTron would never do such a thing!"

"You need to stop defending that stupid robot!" said Ron,

losing his temper. "BabyKillerTron KILLED that little girl, and he

WILL kill again!"

"He will not! He's just confused!" said Harry defensively.

"BEEP BEEP. BABYKILLERTRON AM CONFUSED." said BabyKillerTron.

"WHERE AM THE HUMAN PUNIES TO SMUSH?"

"No more human punies for you, BabyKillerTron!" yelled Ron.

"We're taking you to the dump for dismantling right after this final

battle!"

"BABYKILLERTRON AM SAD. COLON LEFT PARENTHESEE." said BabyKillerTron.

Suddenly the door was busted down. "This is it! Prepare for

battle, Harry!" yelled Ron, picking up his caster.

"Here's your pizza." said the pizza guy who kicked down the

door. "That'll be $12.95."

"Phew, what a relief!" said Harry, apparently relieved.

"Relief? This pizza costs 12.95! Who cooked it, Emeril?"

asked Ron. Grumbling, he handed the pizza guy the money.

"Oh, and your door was locked." said the pizza guy calmly. "I

suggest you do not lock it again." He straightened his pizza guy hat

and walked

out the door.

"I think we've just been visited by the most utterly badass

pizza guy of all time." said Harry.

Ron flipped up the lid of the box. "Some badass that guy is!

He got our orders mixed up! The only topping on this one is spinach!"

"Oh no, that's no mistake! That's just what I ordered!" said

Harry with glee.

"What?! I thought you said you ordered pepperoni!" said Ron.

"I wanted to surprise you!" said Harry.

"Great...." sighed Ron.

"BABYKILLERTRON AM SURPRISED. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW." beeped

BabyKillerTron.

"Shh!" said Ron. "Do you guys hear voices?" Everyone stopped

and listened to the voices that seemed to be coming from right

outside the

house.

"Okay, so we're here. Are we SURE this is the right adress

this time?" asked Suzuka.

"Of course we're sure! Besides, that orphanage was probably a

secret black market scam orperative anyway!" said Aisha cheerfully.

"Crap, the door's been busted down! There goes our cliche!

Jim, jump through the window!" commanded Gene.

"What? No way! Are you insane?" wondered Jim.

"Very well then. Aisha, toss Jim through the window." said Gene.

"Can do!" laughed Aisha, chucking Jim through the window.

"Ow! Jesus Aisha, you could have at least thrown underhand!"

yelled Jim.

"IT BABY! BABYKILLERTRON SMUSH PUNY BABY!" yelled BabyKillerTron.

"Aaaah!" yelled Jim, trying to run.

"No! Bad BabyKillerTron!" yelled Ron, hitting it with a

newspaper. "Baby is friend! Baby, FRIEND! BABY...FRIEND!"

"Baby...friend?" wondered BabyKillerTron. "BabyKillerTron

feels strange. BabyKillerTron run virus scan."

"No no, BabyKillerTron..." said Harry. "It's not a virus.

It's called LOVE."

"Love?" asked BabyKillerTron. "What is this...love?

BabyKillerTron feels so strange. Like a mysterious virus is deleting

all my baby killing

software. You never programmed me to feel...love."

"Love doesn't COME from a program, BabyKillerTron! It comes

from your heart!" smiled Harry.

"This is really fucking stupid." remarked Ron.

"Agreed." said Jim.

Suddenly Gene jumped into the room, guns at the ready. "Give

it up, MacDougall! Give old what's-her-name back to us and nobody has

to

get hurt here!"

"Shoot me, man! I like it!" said BabyKillerTron.

"Um, just who the hell are you?" asked Gene.

"Just a lonely robot who has turned from his sinful ways and

has now found true inner peace." said BabyKillerTron. "Now shoot me,

I desire

to feel more of your human emotions!"

"Oh...well, okay dude." said Gene, shooting BabyKillerTron.

"OW! Shit, this hurts! Feels great!" said BabyKillerTron happily.

"No! BabyKillerTron!" cried Harry. "Gene Starwind, I'm gonna

kill you!"

"Why? He likes it." said Gene.

"But I don't! He's in pain!" yelled Harry.

"No I'm not!" said BabyKillerTron.

"CHRIST, WE'LL GIVE YOU MELFINA! JUST SPARE HIS LIFE!" sobbed Harry.

"We will?" wondered Ron.

"Uh, but I wasn't going to shoot him any mor-" started Gene,

but Harry was already untying Melfina.

"I'm sorry Melfina, but BabyKillerTron needs my guidance

now!" said Harry. "I can't let him perish!"

"Well..okay." said Melfina, as soon as she was all untied.

"Great! That's wonderful, um... wait, I'll think of it...

Melfina!" said Gene happily. "Jim, go warm up the ship! We'll be out

in a second!"

"Alright!" said Jim cheerfully, skipping out the door.

"Bingo night is still on, right Ron?" asked Gene.

"Right-o!" said Ron, high fiving Gene.

"Well, that's that! Another successful mission!" laughed

Gene. He turned and headed towards the door. "Come on Melfina, let's

get going!

The plot hole of how we're using the Party Ship without you to run it

is only etting bigger, you know!" He paused, and turned around.

Melfina

was standing in the same place. "Come ON Melfina, I'll convince Jim

to let us splurge on dinner tonight to celebrate you coming back!

Let's

hurry up, I bet you're starving!"

Melfina just looked at the ground. "Gene, I'm sorry, but I'm

not coming!"

Gene stared at her. "What do you mean, not coming? We've been

looking for you for ages!"

"Don't tell me that, you couldn't care less about me!"

shouted Melfina. "I've heard firsthand from Aisha about how you

disrespect me! I'm

disgusted! I'm surprised you even came to find me!"

"Wait, what did Aisha tell you? Melfina, I'm sure I can

explain!" said Gene.

"I'm sure you can, but how do I know that won't be a lie

too?" said Melfina, tears forming in her eyes. "This conversation is

over, Gene. I'm

staying with Harry!"

"Really?!" said Harry gleefully. "This is great! I've got a

whole ton of cool toys we can mess around with!"

"T-toys?!" stammered Gene, turning pale. "Melfina, I had no idea!"

"Yes, toys. Really, you shouldn't be surprised." said

Melfina. "I mean, knowing the kind of personality Harry has and all."

"I suppose you're right." sighed Gene. "But Melfina, I can't

believe that this is goodbye..."

"Don't think of it as goodbye, think of it as...well..."

Melfina thought. "Think of it as a really great and above average

goodbye."

"Well, alright." sighed Gene. "If this is what you want, I'll

walk away. Is it really what you want?"

Melfina looked from Gene, then to Harry, then out the window

because some guy was streaking. She finally looked back to Gene.

"Yes, it's

what I want." she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Then I'm outta here." said Gene, walking out the door.

As soon as Gene left, Harry turned to Melfina and spoke. "Oh

man, just WAIT till you see all the cool toys I have! I've got legos,

lincoln logs,

transformers..."

Okay, so that's all done. I think this chapter has it's funny

moments, but I don't really know. Once again, it was mainly to

advance the plot. I

AM GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS MELFINA THING.

Jet: No you aren't!

Yes I am, and don't believe anything anyone says otherwise!

But as promised, the next chapter will return the story to normal. Do

not fear,

this story will soon start being funny again.

Suzuka: cough

Eh? What's the matter Suzuka? Got a cold?

Suzuka: No, but I seem to remember a promise you made to me....

I made you a promise?

Suzuka: Yes! The one about Vash the Stampede!

Oh yeah. Let me go get him. BEEP BEEP!

Vash: (enters room) You rang?

Meet Suzuka. Suzuka, meet Vash.

Suzuka: (blush) Nice to meet you.

Vash: Dude, I thought you said she'd be hot!

Suzuka: WHAT?!

She IS hot, you maniac! Look at her!

Vash: I don't think she's hot.

You insane homo, just take her to a movie or something!

Jet: Sometimes she fucks on the first date!


	17. Gilliam's New Hat

Woohoo, them format problems be fixed! For this chapter anyway. I'll see wha tI can do about those other ones that got all messed up. But anyways, on to this chapter. I like this one. This is one  
of the few chapters I actually like.  
Jet: You like all of them.  
I didn't like the last one.  
Jet: Well yeah, but it's not like anyone did.  
Really? I could have sworn I got a couple compliments on it...  
Jet: Those were all made by your mom, using different various  
screen names. You are an unloved sack of shit, and don't forget it.  
Suzuka: enters room and sighs  
Ah, hello there Suzuka. How was your date?  
Suzuka: It was awful. It started out good, but it didn't  
really start going downhill until after dinner.  
Jet: What happened at dinner?  
Suzuka: The food was terrible, the service was awful, and I  
found a fried chicken head in my ice cream.  
Shit, how could a date go downhill from THAT?  
Suzuka: Well, his braces got caught on my navel ring and we  
had to call the fire department to get us undone...  
Jet: GAH! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!  
When did Vash get braces? sigh Never mind. Well, enjoy this  
chapter y'all. Oh, and I'm sorry about how long it took me to get  
this damn  
thing up. It's this damn school crap. It'll be the death of us all.  
  
------------  
  
It was a spectacular, phantasmagorical, really rather  
mentally challenged day in the official headquarters of the Party  
Ship's crew. Everyone  
was sitting around, watching TV. No one was having a better time than  
Aisha, let me tell you.  
"This is so cool! Holy cow, check out those lighting effects!  
And the excellent acting! This has to be the coolest show I've ever  
seen!" said  
Aisha enthusiastically. "An absolute marvel of modern film making  
technology!"  
"Aisha, this is an Olive Garden commercial." sighed Gene.  
"Well yeah, but isn't it just the COOLEST THING EVER?!" asked Aisha.  
"Not as cool as Napoleon Dynamite!" said Jim.  
"Nothing will ever be as cool as Napoleon Dynamite." said  
Suzuka solemnly. Everyone go see Napoleon Dynamite, it's the best  
movie of all  
time.  
The commercial changed. "HEY KIDS!" screamed an announcer's  
voice from the TV.  
"Hi!" said Aisha in return.  
"Are you still playing your OLD Heartbreak Dating  
Simulation?!" screamed the announcer.  
"Heartbreak what?" wondered Suzuka.  
"I have that game." said Aisha. "It's the one where the girls  
you date hit you with frying pans and stuff. It's in the Leilong  
episode."  
"Ah yes, I remember now." said Suzuka, choosing to ignore why  
Aisha would ever want to date girls, virtual or otherwise. But maybe  
she's  
just being paranoid.  
"Well are you?! Huh?! Why?!" yelled the announcer. "WHY!?  
Have we OFFENDED you in some way?! Huh? HUH! Pick up the all new 3D  
HEATBREAK DATING SIMULATION 2, TODAAAAAAYY!"  
"Wow, it's being released today?" wondered Aisha, checking  
the calendar. "Looks like they pushed forward the release date in  
order to  
reach a wider consumer audience, thereby lowering the game's overall  
quality."  
"Sounds like a must-own!" said Gene.  
"It certainly is!" said Aisha.  
"So, what IS a dating simulation anyway?" asked Gene.  
"Well, it's pretty self-explanitory." shrugged Jim. "It's  
basically a video game that simulates dating people."  
"Really? Sweet!" said Gene. "And the people you date are JUST  
like real women?"  
"If real women sleep with every guy who buys them candy, then  
yes." said Jim.  
Aisha sighed. "You guys, that was a STAGE. I was a very  
confused 10 year old. Quit making fun of me."  
Everyone stared at her. "But yeah Gene, you can borrow mine  
if you want." said Aisha. "I never even play it anymore." She opened  
a  
mysterious compartment in the couch and pulled her game thing out of  
it. Gene switched it on and started playing.  
"HOW Y'ALL DOIN?!" yelled Gilliam, flying into the room and  
wearing a Mickey Mouse hat. Seriously, just picture this. Okay.  
"...Dude, Gilliam. No. Just... no." said Jim. He picked  
Gilliam up and pulled the little Mickey Mouse hat off him. "Where'd  
you get this stupid  
thing anyway?"  
"I got mail ordered from a box of Peanut Butter Capn'  
Crunch." said Gilliam. "Give it back."  
"No." said Jim, putting it in his pocket.  
"What happened to GANGSTA GILLIAM?!" yelled Aisha. "I WANT  
GANGSTA GILLIAM!"  
"No! No Gangsta Gilliam!" yelled Suzuka.  
"I forcefully demand heaping quantities of Gangsta Gilliam!"  
demanded Aisha forcefully.  
"I hate you both." said Jim. "Well that's a lie. I just hate  
Aisha. Because she likes Gangsta Gilliam."  
"I fucking hate Gangsta Gilliam." said Gene, not looking up  
from his game.  
"There, Gene's the captain and his opinion is the only one  
that matters. No more Gangsta Gilliam." said Jim. He turned to  
Gilliam. "Now,  
just what the heck do you want?"  
"You've got a call from Fred Luo." said Gilliam. "Yo."  
"Well, patch him through." said Jim. "I'll let that Yo slide  
for now."  
Fred's happy face appeared on the living room's TV. "Hi there  
everybody! Gene, how are you doing?"  
"I'm doing okay-WHOA! SUPERMODEL SWIMSUIT COMPETITION!"  
yelled Gene, moving closer to the screen of his game.  
"So, I see you're still chasing the skirts." sighed Fred.  
"That's right!" said Gene happily, not looking up.  
"If I put on a skirt, will you chase me?" asked Fred brightly.  
"No!" yelled Gene.  
"Gah, that image is going to give me nightmares!" said Jim,  
clutching his head. "What the heck do you want, Fred?"  
"Actually, I was just calling to check up on Cleveland. How's  
he doing?" asked Fred.  
"Cleveland...Oh, the dog?" asked Aisha. "Um...I'm not really sure-"  
"Tell him I didn't eat him." said Gilliam.  
"Gilliam says he didn't eat him." Aisha told Fred. She  
stopped and looked at Gilliam strangely.  
"Well, that's fantastic!" said Fred, clapping his hands  
gleefully. "You can return him today, I'm back from my vacation and I  
can't wait to give  
my little Cleveland a big long dishwasher bath! Bye bye, guys!" The  
screen went blank.  
Aisha turned to Gilliam. "YOU ATE CLEVELAND?!"  
"What? No. Of course not. Didn't you just hear me say that I  
didn-" started Gilliam.  
"You're the worst liar ever!" sighed Jim. "This is just  
perfect. What'll happen when he finds out you ate his dog?"  
"I don't know. Let me simulate the situation." said Gilliam.  
He processed the information and displayed his results on the screen.  
  
GILLIAM'S TOTALLY FABRICATED THEATER!  
  
Fred: Nooo! Cleveland is dead! I hate you Gilliam! (shoots Gilliam)  
Gilliam: Oh horrible fate! I am shot!  
Gene: Don't die Gilliam! DON'T DIE ON ME!  
Gilliam: Okay. Wait, never mind. (dies)  
Fred: Now that Gilliam is dead, I can make Gene my husband!  
Gene: No! I am already engaged to Alucard from Hellsing!  
Alucard: Yes, pitiful human. You will be my love guy for all  
ETERNITY! HAHAHA! HELL! SATAN! HAHA!  
Jim: Woo woo! I'm all about that hot yaoi sex!  
Aisha: Good news Suzuka, I've set the wedding day for this Saturday!  
Aren't you excited?  
Suzuka: Oh Aisha, I can't go through with it right now! I need some  
time to sort out my feelings for Melfina!  
Aisha: Suzu, listen to me! This is the last time I'm going to tell  
you this! Melfina is DEAD! She doesn't talk to you, you haven't been  
having an  
affair with her, you've been imagining it all!  
Suzuka: No! NO! I WON'T ACCEPT IT! She's still alive! I know it! I  
see her!  
Aisha: Suzuka, maybe it's time for you to go back to the institute...  
Suzuka: NO! I'M NOT CRAZY! I'M NOT!  
Aisha: I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS, SUZU! (shoots Suzuka)  
(long shot of everyone in Outlaw Star suffering and burning in hell)  
  
THE END!  
  
A long silence followed. "Oh my god, we're so screwed!"  
yelled Gene, tossing his game aside.  
"I don't want all that to happen to me!" sobbed Aisha. "It's  
too horrible! It's awful!"  
"I know, why'd the marriage have to fall through?! Will I  
never find love??" said Suzuka hysterically. Everyone stopped  
freaking out and stared  
at her. "Alright, that outburst was a temporary loss of sanity.  
Really."  
  
"It wasn't a loading zone! I swear it wasn't!" yelled Hazanko.  
"Yeah, nice try. I don't believe you." said a cop. It was a  
crystal clear, sunshiny day in the windowless 12-stories-underground  
high security  
prison on Blue Heaven. An oddly familiar cop was hauling the Anten  
Six into prison for parking in a loading zone. I'm not really sure  
where  
Gwen Kahn is. I'm sure he's around somewhere. Maybe he escaped.  
However, the loading zone sign was obscured from Hazanko's line of  
view, so he had no idea he was parking there. This made Hazanko  
understandably upset. What WILL he do? I'm so excited! Let's watch!  
"Wait! It's true! I swear to god it's true!" yelled Hazanko.  
"Hey, what's all the snacky pie?" said the officer who  
interrogated Dave and Tobeigera, entering the room.  
"Don't worry about it Barley, I have the situation under  
control." said the first cop.  
DUN DUN DUN! IT'S THOSE COPS NO ONE REMEMBERS FROM BACK IN  
THE YODELING EPISODE! I BET YOU GUYS DIDN'T EXPECT  
THAT!  
"...What in the world was that?" asked Barley.  
"The narrator had a self-absorbed outburst again. don't worry  
about it." said Jake.  
Insolent little mice. I should slap you.  
"NO! NOOOOO!" yelled Jake. "I didn't really mean-ARGH!" He  
was cut of by the soft and slimy fury of my fish slap. Muahaha.  
"...This is really stupid." said Jukei irritably.  
"I agree." said Barley, helping Jake up. "So, you're hauling  
these dangerous pirate guys into prison?"  
"Yeah. They tried to park in a loading zone." said Jake,  
shaking his head sadly.  
"I COULDN'T SEE THE SIGN! LEILONG'S BIG STUPID DRUNKEN AND  
DANCING SELF WAS BLOCKING MY VIEW!" said Hazanko angrily,  
pointing at Leilong.  
"Hey, is it a crime for a guy to celebrate his BEATING THE  
UNIVERSAL MINESWEEPER RECORD?" asked Leilong angrily.  
"Well...no, I guess it isn't. You guys are free to go." said Jake.  
"What? But I didn't mean-" started Leilong, but Hazanko  
kicked him. "I mean, okay. Sounds good to me."  
"WAIT!" yelled Hamushi.  
"Why? We're free." said Jukei.  
"Look who's in that cell!" said Hamushi excitedly. She  
pointed wildly at a cell.  
"What?! It's the clowny head guy!" yelled Hazanko. And indeed  
it was. Him and Dave were sleeping in a cell. Hazanko turned to the  
two  
cops. "Actually, we aren't innocent at all. We're very bad people.  
Some of us throw things at little disabled girls."  
"Hey! I'm never telling you a secret again!" said Iraga angrily.  
"We deserve to be thrown in prison." said Hazanko simply,  
finishing his short speech.  
"What the hell are you saying?!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"We're free, you maniac!" yelled Jukei.  
"Look here, stupids." said Hazanko. "This is our chance to  
get revenge on that sunglasses guy for ripping me off, and the clowny  
head guy  
for escaping our torturous prison."  
"Terrible bastard, deliberately trying to escape." said  
Leilong bitterly. "He deserves what's coming to him.  
"Well, if you guys really want to be tossed in prison."  
shrugged Jake. "I guess I won't stop you." He opened the door to Dave  
and  
Tobeigera's cell and gestured for them to enter. They casually  
entered, each accidentally hitting their heads on the low-set door  
frame.  
"And that's just the BEGINNING of your suffering!" laughed  
Barley cruelly. "From this day forward, your every waking moment will  
be filled  
with pain and torment! Enjoy the nightmares you'll have as you sleep,  
for they will be much MUCH less frightening than your new reality!"  
"At least until tomorrow, when you're eligible for parole."  
said Jake. He turned to Barley. "Let's get some dinner."  
"Delumptions!" said Barley happily. Jake chose to ignore this  
and they both walked out the door.  
"Well, here we are." said Hazanko, looking around their new  
cell. He walked over to the sleeping Dave and Tobeigera. "Shall we  
wake up  
the dullards?"  
"No! Hang on!" yelled Hamushi. "...Dullards?" She shook her  
head. "Jukei, make out me."  
"What?!" yelped Jukei.  
"I need you to make out with me so that when Dave wakes up  
he'll be super jealous." explained Hamushi. "Now hop to it!"  
"But I'm in a straitjacket...It doesn't provide much movement  
for making out." said Jukei.  
"Oh yeah. Well, sucks to be you." said Hamushi. "Leilong,  
make out with me."  
"Sweet." said Leilong happily, and they started making out.  
"Wake up, the morning's here! The chipmunks want their beer!"  
sang Hazanko loudly in his very best prospector accent.  
Dave and Tobeigera jolted awake. "Who the-OH HOLY HELL!"  
yelled Tobeigera after he saw who it was who sang a lively showtune  
for him.  
"Kronies, rough him up!" yelled Hazanko.  
"Yessiree clarkbob!" yelled Hitoriga, who began chasing Tobeigera.  
"I'm weak and defenseless! No! No!" shouted Tobeigera.  
"Feel my AWESOME Tao magic powers!" said Hitoriga evilly,  
changing himself to look like Gilbert Gottfried.  
"OH DEAR GOD WHY?! SOMEONE JUST KILL ME TO END THE PAIN!"  
cried Tobeigera, shielding his eyes.  
But Hitoriga just laughed and changed to look like Bruce Vilanch.  
"Dear god, it's WORSE than eternal damnation! Please, someone  
make it stop!" moaned Tobeigera. Hitoriga changed to Iraga.  
"OH MY GOD, IT'S THE WORST OF ALL! My eyes! My eyes are  
burning out!" shrieked Tobeigera, clutching his eyes.  
"That was below the belt." said Iraga defensively.  
"Say Dave, look at me!" said Hamushi, embracing and kissing  
Leilong. "We have 3, no, 44 children together. Aren't you totally  
jealous?"  
"Um, no. I'm really happy for you. I guess you've finally  
gotten over our breakup. That really makes me glad, Hamushi." said  
Dave warmly.  
"GOD DAMMIT!" yelled Hamushi, tossing Leilong away and  
smashing him into a wall. "That's how you ALWAYS were! You never  
could  
handle a little polygamy! You make me sick!"  
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Dave.  
"I'm...I'm not really sure..." choked Hamushi, falling down  
and crying.  
"Uh, alright." shrugged Dave. Everyone stopped what they were  
doing and watched Hamushi cry for a while. A couple hours later they  
got  
bored and decided to resume confronting Tobeigera.  
"So, are you still telling your stupid jokes?" asked Hazanko.  
"Nope. I quit the stupid-joke-telling industry." said  
Tobeigera proudly. "I'm two weeks without telling a stupid joke!"  
"Oh REALLY?" asked Jukei, staring him in the eye.  
"Really!" said Tobeigera.  
"Oh REALLY?" asked Hazanko.  
"Really!" said Tobeigera.  
"Oh REALLY?" asked Hanmyo.  
"Really!" said Tobeigera.  
"Oh REALLY?" asked Leilong.  
"What kind of guitars do whales play? An EEL-ectric guitar!"  
said Tobeigera quickly, with a chuckle. "I mean, um...god dammit!"  
"Another habit revived!" said Hazanko triumphantly..............  
  
"Aisha, this game is stupid." said Gene, mashing buttons  
frustratedly. "After a month of nonstop gameplay, it starts to get  
slightly boring.  
What's up with that?"  
"Gene, I'm not Aisha." said Jim. "You're just going stir  
crazy from being inside this house and playing that game for a soid  
month. I'm Jim."  
"Whateverness." said Gene. "Anyways, I should make my OWN  
game! Wouldn't that be sweet?"  
"No, it would be impossible." said Jim. "You have to be  
really smart with computers to make a game. Not something you could  
do, that's for  
sure."  
"Say Jim, I'll pay you 40 bucks to make me a game." said Gene.  
"Sounds great!" said Jim. "I'll get started right away!"  
"Yay!" said Gene. Suzuka entered the room. "Wow, Suzuka!  
You're just in time!" said Gene happily.  
"What for?" asked Suzuka.  
"I need you to recite some lines for this game I'm making."  
said Gene.  
"Really? I get to voice act in your game?" asked Suzuka.  
"Actually, you're the main star!" said Gene. He pulled out a  
piece of paper and wrote a few things down. He handed the paper to  
Suzuka and  
gave her a microphone. "Alright, now just read these lines into the  
microphone with lots of drama. Ready?"  
"Yes." said Suzuka.  
"Alright, go!" said Gene, pressing a button on something. We  
can only assume that it's a recording machine type thing.  
Suzuka coughed and read the first line. "Hey there,  
beautiful. Want to go get some coffee?"  
"Perfect." said Gene. "Next!"  
"You say your name is Aisha? What a lovely name. I've had  
many lovers named Aisha."  
"Fantastic. Next?"  
"A boat ride, Aisha? How romantic! You're such a beautiful person!"  
"Okay."  
"Oooh! Oh AISHA! Oh yes, deeper! Ah! AH! AH! Aisha! You're so  
good! OH MY GOD! Mmmmmmm..."  
"Put a little more emotion into the contented sigh at the end."  
"Okay. MMMMMMmmmm...."  
"Much better. Next line."  
"Aisha, that was the best EVER! You're fantastic! And to  
think I've been screwing GENE STARWIND every night for the past four  
years!  
You've opened my eyes to the fantastic world of same-sex  
relationships! Let's go to Massachusettes!" Suzuka looked up from her  
script.  
"How's that, Gene?"  
"Oh yeah, that works great!" said Gene, giving her a thumbs  
up. "That should be enough for your part."  
"Already?" said Suzuka, sounding disappointed. "Well okay,  
but if you need me to do anything else for you, don't hesitate to  
ask."  
"I won't. Later Suzuka."  
"Later." Suzuka watched Gene leave with a sense of pride. It  
made her feel great to help Gene with his project, and to give the  
gift of her  
voice for a better cau- "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HELL?!" Shit. Looks  
like it finally dawned on her what Gene was making her say. What  
follows is sure to be a very gruesome and pain-filled ordeal for  
Gene, and one that I (and you) certainly don't want to see. Let's do  
a scene  
change.........  
  
"Well BabyKillerTron, I guess this is goodbye." said Harry  
quietly. It was a depressing day just outside the MacDougall's top  
secret base.  
Thick rain poured down and added a layer of sadness to an already  
somber scene. Harry, holding an umbrella, was giving up all hope of  
restraining his tears as his lifelong friend for one episode,  
BabyKillerTron, was forced to leave him.  
"Do not cry, master Harry." said BabyKillerTron. "I'm sure  
this is just the beginning of our fantastic journeys together. We may  
be separated  
for now, but I'm sure we'll meet again. And on that fine day, we will  
truly be whole once again."  
"Oh BabyKillerTron, WHY do you have to leave me?!" sobbed  
Harry, throwing his arms around him. "Why can't you just stay with me  
and  
Ron and Melfina and the still-not-dead babysitter forever?!"  
"I wish I could Harry..." said BabyKillerTron. "But I have  
forsaken a life of violence for a life of peace and harmony. I must  
go on a spiritual  
healing, self discovery journey to find the true soul that beats  
within my heart. Or CPU."  
"I...see." said Harry, struggling to be mature. He glanced at  
his watch. "1:35...You'll miss your train if you don't leave now."  
BabyKillerTron looked back at him with his cold, emotionless  
robotic face. "Don't worry...I can always catch the next one." And  
they sank  
deeper into their loving hug.  
"Oh, I'd HATE to break up this touching moment..." said Ron  
from up on the roof, where him and Melfina were continuously dumping  
buckets of water onto them. "But can we stop the rain now? My arms  
are getting tired!"  
"It's a real pain to refill these buckets over and over  
again." said Melfina. "Just hurry up and finish your stupid romantic  
goodbye scene."  
"Well EXCUUUUUSE me for trying to inject some MOOD into this  
plot-changing moment!" said Harry indignantly. Suddenly, a large  
spacecraft came descending from the sky.  
"OH. MY. GOD." said Ron, awestruck. He pointed a finger at  
the ship. "It's...HIM!"  
"Him who?" asked Harry.  
"JHeman!" said Ron in terror. "But...but tonight isn't  
Parcheesi night!"  
"Have you been pointing out plot holes again, Melfina?" asked Harry.  
"No! I swear to god I haven't!" said Melfina, waving her  
hands around.  
"Then...What does he want?" asked Ron.  
The ship landed in front of him and I stepped out.  
"Ah, that's a relief!" sighed Ron. "It's just his sister!"  
"What?! I'm not my sister!" I said angrily. "It's me!"  
Ron paused and stared at me really closely. "Whoa! It IS  
you!" He waited a second. "What's with your hair!?"  
"I wanted to try something different! Geez!" I said defensively.  
"You look like a chick! Girly girly girly man!" laughed Harry.  
"NO! QUIET!" I said, slapping him with a fish. "Now then,  
I've come here on a very important mission. Self inserts suck, and  
normally I'd  
never come out and do one, but this is a situation that must be  
adressed."  
"Oh really? And what's that?" asked Ron.  
"It's your ship's name. The Shangri-La." I said, very seriously.  
"The Shangri-La? What's wrong with that?" asked Harry. "I  
think it sounds neat."  
"Sure, it does at first." I said mysteriously. "But did you  
know that there's a band from the 60s called the Shangri-Las?"  
"Seriously? Were they badass?" asked Ron.  
"No. They were a little wussy girl band who sang about dating  
the captain of the football team." I said somberly. The MacDougalls  
looked at  
each other in shock. "Needless to say, this is very damaging to your  
image of being the most badass and fearless outlaw scum in the  
galaxy. It's even more damaging to your image than Harry's stupid  
hair ribbon."  
"Good god." said Ron. "What can we do about it?"  
"It's obvious, isn't it? You must change your name.  
Preferably to some other 60s band. An actually good one. Like Lovin'  
Spoonful."  
"Wow, Lovin' Spoonful. That's great. Let's go with that." said Ron.  
"No no, that was just an example. You don't really have to  
use that particular name-"  
"YES WE DO! THAT'S THE COOLEST DAMN SPACESHIP NAME IN ALL  
EXISTENCE!" yelled Harry.  
"Well, okay." I sighed. "Lovin' Spoonful it is. Hmmm...I'd  
say Suzuka's probably just about done torturing Gene by now." I  
turned to the  
spaceship and yelled. "WARM UP THE ENGINE, JET! WE'RE TAKING OFF!"  
"OW! DUDE! SHIT! DON'T YELL!" yelled Jet, from a small  
communication device on my shoulder.  
"Whoops, forgot I have a communicator and that I don't have  
to yell!" I said, snapping my fingers. "SORRY ABOUT THAT, JET!!"  
"GOD DAMMIT! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" yelled Jet. "AT LEAST  
SWITCH YOUR AMPLIFIER OFF OF THE HIGHEST SETTING, YOU  
BASTARD!"  
  
"That was embarrassing." I sighed, now back on my satellite  
and drifting through space again. "Now, patch an audio link through  
to Gene's  
base. Let's see if Suzuka's done messing with him yet."  
"Whatever. You do realize that if I do this favor for you you  
have to pay MY half of the rent for the satellite this month, as well  
as yours, right?"  
said Jet.  
"Sure, sure. Whatever." I shrugged. "Just do it."  
"Sweet." said Jet, flipping a switch.  
The slightly panicky voice of Gene crackled through on the  
radio. "Ow! HOUSE! Ow! OW! Geez! HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE! Suzuka, I thought  
we agreed that the safety word was 'house'! OW! KNOCK IT OFF! Get  
these chains off me! I said HOUSE! You get that hot wax away from  
me! EEEYAAAARG-" The transmission cut off."...Okay, commercial time." I said, feeling very disturbed.  
  
AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!  
  
"HEY KIDS! Are you tired of the same old courtroom dramas?!"  
yelled a narrator.  
"YEAH!" yelled a bunch of little kids.  
"What's a courtroom?" asked one of the little kids.  
"Well then you're gonna love...JUDGE! KAHN!" yelled the narrator.  
"Indeed we are!" agreed the kids. The scene suddenly changed  
to the inside of a courtroom.  
"Ms. Suzuka, you are charged with the crime of being an  
assassin. How do you plead?" demanded Judge Kahn of Suzuka, who was  
sitting  
in the asky courtroom box thing. You know what I mean.  
"My client has no comment at this time." said Suzuka's lawyer.  
"She has no comment on whether she's guilty or not?" asked  
Kahn, confused.  
"Nope. Not gonna say." said Suzuka, crossing her arms.  
"Well, alright." said Kahn. "Let's take a look at the evidence."  
"Thank you, your honor." said the offensive lawyer, walking  
over to the evidence table. Actually, she wasn't offensive at all.  
She was actually  
pretty hot. Hang on, lemme think. PROSECUTOR. That's the word I was  
looking for.  
"First piece of evidence is this sword." said the hot  
prosecutor, holding up Suzuka's sword. "We've heard witness testimony  
linking Suzuka  
to this sword, although despite our many tests we have not been able  
to find a DNA link-"  
"TESTS?! WHAT KINDA TESTS?!" yelled Suzuka, jumping up. "YOU  
DIDN'T BREAK MY SWORD, DID YOU?!" Everyone stared at her. "Never  
mind."  
"Okay...second piece of evidence is Suzuka's official  
Assassins Incorporated membership card." said the hot prosecutor.  
"Heh heh, but look a little closer!" said Suzuka proudly. "I  
let it expire two days ago! I'm technically no longer a member!"  
"Damn, she's got this whole thing planned out!" said the hot  
prosecutor. "Well then, feast your eyes on this final piece of  
evidence!" She  
held up a calendar. "Suzuka is Ms. April in the latest annual Sexxy  
Assassin Swimsuit Calendar! How do you explain that?!"  
"I suggest that the final piece of evidence be passed around  
to everyone in the jury, so we can make a more educated decision."  
said Gene  
immediately, standing up from the jury box.  
"Sounds good." said Kahn. The calendar began circulating  
around the jury box.  
"Well, it is my decision as the JUDGE OF THIS COURT that  
Suzuka is NOT GUILTY." said Kahn.  
"What? But what about our conclusive evidence?" asked the hot  
prosecutor.  
"It is clear to me that Suzuka is not who we should be  
after." said Kahn, pulling out his own personal copy of the latest  
Sexxy Assassin  
Swimsuit Calendar. "As you can see, Ms. July is much MUCH hotter!  
Suzuka is free to go, Ms. July is the real criminal here."  
"Wow, she IS hotter!" said Gene, flipping through the  
calendar. "She's the hottest one here! She makes Suzuka look like a  
transsexual burn  
victim!"  
"HEY!" yelled Suzuka.  
  
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!  
  
"God, this is horrible!" sighed Jukei. "Stupid Hazanko's  
stupid revenge plan! We didn't even get revenge! And now we're  
sitting in this stupid  
prison cell!"  
"Oh? You wanna complain?" asked Hazanko.  
"Well yeah, I'm complaining already. Dumbass." said Jukei.  
"I said, you wanna complain?!" asked Hazanko, his voice rising.  
"...What?" asked Jukei, confused.  
"THAT DOES IT! PAGAWASANFA PAGAWASANFA!" yelled Hazanko,  
shooting lasers out of his fingers and exploding Jukei.  
"HOLY CRAP!" yelled Leilong.  
"Wasn't that a little harsh?" asked Hamushi.  
"He was only telling the truth. This was quite possibly the  
worst plan the Anten guys have ever had." said Iraga. "Also, this  
prison uniform  
makes me look like I'm 70."  
"Well now that you mention it, Iraga..." said Hitoriga. "It  
DOES make you look younger!"  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
3 MINUTES LATER  
  
"See Toby, that's how jokes are SUPPOSED to be." said Dave.  
"They're supposed to make people want to turn into wolves and kill  
you."  
"Ohhhh...so THAT'S the secret." said Tobeigera. "And why am I  
Toby all of a sudden?"  
"Good god, we're losing members left and right." said Hazanko  
grumpily, wading through a messy pile of what used to be Jukei's and  
Hitoriga's innards.  
"This is gruesome. I think Iraga should get the death penalty  
for murdering Hitoriga." said Leilong.  
"Me too." said Hanmyo.  
"Well, okay. Sounds great." said Hazanko. Then they killed  
Iraga. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Maybe this will lead  
to some  
exciting new plot twist. Maybe I'm really tired and am forcing myself  
to finish this chapter because it's been like 2 months since I  
updated  
this story.  
"Hey, I have a plan." said Leilong. "Since JHeman is slowly  
going insane from writing this story, I reccommend bringing Jukei and  
Hitoriga  
back to life since he is obviously not thinking clearly."  
"Good strategy." said Hazanko, using his almighty Tao powers  
to bring them back to life.  
"Woohoo!" yelled Hitoriga, jumping around.  
  
"Welp, the game's finally finished!" said Jim. "Everybody  
gather round!" Everybody sat down on the couch in the living room,  
where Jim was  
popping a newly-made disc into their Alpo 4000. In the future, you  
see, Alpo is the most powerful technological coproation. Even Sony is  
merely a dog biting at it's heels. ALPO FOREVER.  
"Alright, who wants to play it first?" asked Gene.  
"Me! Me me me! I get to play first! Me! I wanna!" yelled Aisha.  
"Say the magic word!" said Gene.  
"Pleaaaase!" said Aisha immediately.  
"Uh...That wasn't the word I was thinking of, but I guess it  
works." said Gene, handing Aisha the controller.  
"So Gene, did you really end up using my voice stuff?" asked  
Suzuka as the ALPO 4000 logo appeared on the screen.  
"Yep." said Gene. "The part really suits your vocal style.  
You're a natural in this profession. Please don't kill me when you  
see the character  
you voiced. It wasn't my idea. Have I told you today that your hair  
looks fabulous?"  
"No." said Suzuka.  
"Well it does. It looks great." said Gene.  
"Quiet! It's starting!" yelled Aisha.  
"HI THAR!" yelled the TV. "THIS IS GENE'S TOTALLY SWEET  
DATING SIMULATION! LOOKS PURTY, DON'T IT?"  
"....I'm awestruck." said Aisha, selecting the 'NEW GAME,  
YEEHAW!' button on the start screen.  
"My head...ow...where am I?" asked the game's dashing young  
hero, waking up in a hospital somewhere.  
"You've lost your memory." said a nurse with Aisha's voice.  
"You must date 40,000 women in order to remember who you-" There was  
an  
out of place sound of page turning. "-are."  
"Well, that shouldn't be too hard. You wanna be first?" asked  
the dashing young hero. The nurse giggled and nodded yes.  
"Dude, this is stupid Jim." said Gene. "Where's all the BDSM?"  
"You want BDSM in a dating sim?" asked Jim.  
"Yeah, and it's really patheticc how there's never a 'Rape'  
option." said Gene grumpily.  
"I'm inclined to agree." said Aisha, making out with the  
nurse in the back of the guy's car. "Where's the violence? Where's  
the dominance  
and the submission?"  
"Why is the elemtary school off-limits for picking up  
chicks?" asked Suzuka.  
"Ooh, good point. Jim, write some of this stuff down so you  
can put it in the sequel!" said Gene.  
"...You people all scare me." said Jim.  
  
-----------  
  
God damn, that stupid thing took me forever to write. At  
least it was funny.  
Jet: No it wasn-  
GO AWAY! Anyways, I'll take this time to announce PART TWO in a series of predetermined vacations planned for this story! You wouldn't believe how tired I am of writing this thing. No joke. Plus, I've got a lot of school stuff going on right now. So, I'm officially taking a break. But look on the bright side, last time I took a vacation like this I came back with a totally sweet chapter, the wedding one! So don't be surprised if this vacation gives me the chance to recharge my brain batteries and restore this thing to its former glory! See ya later!


	18. The Magnified Glass Dog Quest

It's that time again, kiddies. Time for...ANUDDER CHAPPIE! Kapow kick  
bam! Take some of them! Argh, I'm shot!  
Jet: ....What the hell are you doing?  
THEY SENT ME TO THE WRONG YEAR!  
Jet: ....Shut up. Just shut up.  
Who died and made YOU eight feet tall?! Huh?! HUH!? (kicks Jet)  
Jet: Ow.  
Let's KEEP IT that way!  
  
----------  
  
It was a shiny shiny shiny day in the Party Ship's crew's  
really small apartment on Blue Heaven. I'm not really sure why  
they're  
staying there so long when they could easily just fix up the Party  
Ship and get the hell out of there, but oh well. The room looked  
pretty darn empty, except for Suzuka who just walked in the door,  
covered in blood. She apparently just got back from a pretty great  
assassination job. She sighed and kicked off her high heels, which  
now that I think about it would be a really really bad choice of  
assassin footwear. Seriously, they would be impossible to do anything  
cool in. I can just see Suzuka doing some kick ass aerial  
assassin attack, only to land and twist her ankle. I bet her dress is  
so long because she's hiding scars from multiple compound  
factures on her legs. But ANYWAYS...  
"That was one hell of a battle." said Suzuka, slumping onto a  
couch. "Man, if only you'd have been there to see it. I was all over  
the  
place, but he was follwing my every move. In the end I finally  
stopped him by slipping a grenade down his pants." About here she  
realized the room was empty. "Where the heck did everybody go?" she  
wondered, then quickly reminded herself that the room was  
empty and therefore she wasn't likely to get an answer. She walked  
over to the refrigerator to check for notes.  
"THERE'S A NOTE HERE!" yelled Suzuka for no reason. "Think I  
should read it?" There was a long silence. "GOD DAMMIT,  
THERE'S NO ONE HERE! WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING THAT?" There was a  
short silence. "SHIT, I DID IT AGAIN! WHY?! AM I  
GOING INSANE?!" After about 30 more minutes of this, she read the  
note.  
"Dear Suzuka. How ya doin? Me, Jim, Aisha, and Gilliam are  
going to go buy Fred a new dog before he gets back from his vacation  
to Kansadopia. We were gonna ask you to tag along, but you've been  
out for three weeks on your stupid assassination thing and  
we frankly didn't know whether you were alive or dead or not. I left  
some cash on the counter so you can go out to eat or something.  
Sincerely, Gene "Aisha-Humper" Starwind." read Suzuka aloud. There  
was a large red stain that looked like blood near the  
signature, probably from Aisha punishing Gene for his new self-given  
nickname.  
"Well, if that don't beat it all." said Suzuka. "They go off  
on a miserable 2000-mile car trip to buy Fred a new dog, and I'm  
stuck here  
at home with the whole apartment to myself and buying expensive meals  
with Gene's money. Shows how much THEY care about  
me!"  
She walked over to the dresser and picked up a small booklet  
that had 'NEW TO BLUE HEAVEN?! Check out the BIGGEST and  
BEST nighttime hotspots with this handy guide!' on the cover. She  
began leafing through the pages. Suddenly a little phone thing  
started beeping. She jumped up really fast. "I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT  
I'LL GET IT!" She dashed over to the phone and picked it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi there Suzuka! What's up?" said a WAY WAY too happy voice  
on the other end.  
"Fred? What do you want?" asked Suzuka.  
"Not a lot. Is Gene around?" asked Fred.  
"No. He's buying you a-um...a present." said Suzuka.  
"A present?! Oh goody!" giggled Fred. "I love presents!"  
"Um, yeah. So what are you doing in Kansadopia, Fred?" asked Suzuka.  
"Oh, I packed my bags and left the other day because Shorton  
kept BEGGING me to come!" said Fred.  
"Oh, that's neat." said Suzuka. "Who's Shorton?"  
"I'm not really sure...A nice fellow from Kansadopia I  
suppose." said Fred uncertainly.  
"Um...okay." said Suzuka. "Well, I'll se ya later Fred."  
"Wait, don't hang up." said Fred. "I've got to ask you something."  
Suzuka sighed and returned to the phone. "Look Fred, if this  
is about that ONE time I made out with Aisha on national TV-"  
"Actually, it is. Kind of. It's really more about Dave the  
Sunglasses Guy." said Fred.  
"Dave? Oh man, I haven't seen him in ages!" said Suzuka,  
leaning back on the couch. "Where is that guy anyways?"  
"I was hoping you could tell ME that." said Fred worriedly.  
"You were the last person to see him, on your date remember?"  
"Well...I don't really remember much of it. He ran over some  
little kid or something and then all these villagers came and  
kidnapped him. It all happened pretty fast." said Suzuka. "If I had  
to make a guess, I'd say he was in prison."  
"Oh, thanks for your help!" said Fred. "I just hope the poor  
guy isn't TOO heartbroken when I tell him you chose Aisha over  
him..."  
"Hey, wait! Don't tell him that!" said Suzuka. "Arrange  
another date for us!"  
"See ya later!" said Fred, hanging up.  
"STUPID FRED!" yelled Suzuka, kicking the phone. "He's the  
worst! Now I know why you hate him so much, Gene!" She stopped.  
"Crap, there's nobody here!"  
  
It was a cold, unforgiving death day of sadness deep in  
prison. The Anten...Seven (They finally accepted Tobeigera back into  
their  
ranks for mysterious reasons! Oooh!) plus Dave were sitting around in  
a prison cell, passing time. Parcheesi was already getting  
boring, as well as Monopoly, their various game systems, the  
waterslide park, and the huge orgies. I don't really know how they  
got  
all that stuff in their prison cell, but whatever.  
"You know, these prison walls are made of simple concrete."  
said Leilong, feeling one of the prison walls. "We could probably  
just  
bust our way out of here with our magical tao powers."  
"Good idea! Alright, everyone stand aside!" yelled Hamushi,  
jumping into the middle of the room and conjuring up a huge death  
ball of death. She stopped for a second. "That means you, Tobeigera."  
"But I wanna die!" whined Tobeigera. "I must leave this  
horrible, humorless universe! It is my wish!"  
"Well too bad. We live in a cold, cold world where wishes  
never ever come true." said Hamushi, casting a bitter look at Dave as  
she said these words.  
"Oh stop it. You know I hate it when you cast bitter looks at  
me." said Dave.  
"OH YEAH?! WELL I HATE IT WHEN YOU...um...well...DODGE THIS!"  
yelled Hamushi casting her death ball of death at him.  
"Okay." said Dave, dodging it. The ball zoomed past and  
exploded a wall.  
"Yay!" said Hazanko, skipping through the new hole. "It leads  
right out to the parking lot! Let's find Kahn and our Geomancer and  
get out of here!"  
"Alright, let's get searching!" yelled Hanmyo. "Everybody split up!"  
  
4 DAYS LATER  
  
"That fruitcake bastard!" yelled Hazanko, running around in  
the parking lot. "That withered old clam stole our Geomancer!" It was  
true. There was no Geomancer to be found. He raised his fists to the  
heavens. "Damn you, Kahn! I regret ever letting you borrow my  
girlfriend for that one really great slow dance at the senior prom!  
YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS CRIME WITH YOUR BLOOD!"  
"Now now, Hazanko." said Hitoriga. "Let's not get hysterical.  
The most sensible thing in this situation would be to notify him on  
his  
cell phone and politely request he return our ship before we resort  
to measures of that drastic natu-"  
"FOOL! YOU DARE SPEAK WHEN LORD HAZANKO IS SWEARING  
REVENGE?!" yelled Hazanko.  
"Yes. I mean yes. Er, no." said Hitoriga. "I mean yes. Wait,  
no. Whatever."  
"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" said Hazanko smugly. "Hamushi,  
call Kahn on your cell phone."  
"Batteries need to recharge." said Hamushi.  
"Okay then. Jukei." said Hazanko.  
"I don't have any pockets in my straitjacket." said Jukei.  
"Leilong?" asked Hazanko.  
"I left mine back in the prison cell." shrugged Leilong.  
"Hanmyo?"  
"What's a cell phone?" asked Hanmyo.  
"BAH! YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL USELESS!" yelled Hazanko, slamming  
his fist on a wall.  
"Hey, you forgot to ask me to use MY cell phone." said Hitoriga.  
"Okay then, use your cell phone and call Kahn!" said Hazanko  
excitedly.  
"I can't. I'm expecting a call." said Hitoriga.  
"GOD DAMN YOU!" yelled Hazanko.  
  
"We'll take the biggest and coolest dog you have." said Gene.  
"It'd be cool if he was a robot." said Aisha.  
"A green one." said Jim.  
"This is a fast food place." said the guy behind the register.  
"I know, I'm just rehearsing for the real thing." said Gene.  
"I'll have 3 chili dogs."  
"Oh, okay." said the guy.  
"I'll have a grape triple sticky heart damage milkshake!"  
said Aisha, jumping up and down with glee.  
"I'll have a happy meal!" said Jim. Gene and Aisha snorted  
and laughed at him. "I mean, I'll have a sad meal."  
"All our meals are sad meals." said the register guy.  
"Then I'll take them all!" said Jim.  
"Uh...Do you really think you can eat all that, Jim?" asked Gene.  
"Of course I can! I'm an adult now!" said Jim.  
"That's not really the point." said Aisha. "Not even Gene  
Shalit could eat all that food."  
"Oh yeah?! Well maybe I'm more ADULT than Gene Shalit! Ever  
think of that?!" yelled Jim, freaking out for no real reason.  
"...No." said Aisha.  
"I KNEW IT!" yelled Jim. He whirled around to face the guy  
behind the register. "And I'll have a happy meal prize to go with my  
ULTRA ADULT lunch! The new set of Spy Kids toys are out!"  
"Oh man, not this again." sighed Gene. "Why is it that  
whenever we go somewhere with Jim, he starts acting all 'adult'?"  
"I think it's cute!" giggled Aisha.  
"Aisha, no. We're not in the original Outlaw Star series  
anymore, you don't have to flirt with Jim and weave Jim-loving  
subconcious  
messages into everything you say anymore. We don't TOLERATE  
pedophilia in this wholesome kinda-sequel!" said Gene happily.  
"But...I...Alright." said Aisha sadly.  
"Everyone get BACK! IN! THE! CAR! I'm gonna get us to the pet  
store in FIFTEEN MINUTES FLAT!" yelled Jim with a mouthful of fish  
sandwich.  
"Um, forget it." said Gene. "Fifteen minutes? You'd have to  
drive approximately 4570 mph to get us there that fast."  
"Exactly! Hop in!" said Jim gleefully, running into the  
parking lot. He stared at the driver's side door. "Uh, Gene? Can you  
give me a  
boost?"  
"Sure." said Gene, picking him up and putting him in the seat.  
"Thanks!" yelled Jim. "And now it's time to BURN! SOME!  
RUBBER!" He shifted the car into reverse.  
"Are you insane?!" yelled Gene, getting into the front  
passenger's seat. "You're an underage driver! You could get into HUGE  
trouble! Also, we're in a residential zone!"  
"I'm not a little kid anymore Gene! I can handle this!" yelled Jim.  
"Hey, what's all the poppin fresh?" asked Aisha, walking out  
of the fast food place holding a huge bowl of fry grease with a straw  
stuck in it.  
"Jim's going to kill us all!" whined Gene.  
"I am not!" said Jim, kicking Gene.  
"I have faith in Jim!" said Aisha, getting in the backseat.  
"He can do anything he sets his mind to, because he's SUCH a manly  
adult!"  
"Aisha, what did I tell you about flirting with Jim?" asked Gene.  
"Ah yeah. Sorry about that." said Aisha, taking a slurp from  
her bowl of fry grease.  
"....Is that a bowl of grease?" asked Gene.  
"Yes sir it is." said Aisha happily, taking another slurp.  
"Isn't that kind of...fattening?" asked Gene.  
"Nah. The Ctarl Ctarl's SUPER METABOLISM POWER makes us  
invulnerable to fattening!" said Aisha with pride.  
"Alright, everyone buckle up! We're in for a BUMPY RIDE!"  
yelled Jim, peeling out of the parking lot.  
"Thanks for the warning, retard." said Gene, rubbing his  
now-bruised head and fastening his seatbelt. "This is a bad idea.  
Look,  
can't you slow down a little bit? You're gonna hit someone- Yeah.  
See, what did I tell you?"  
"Psh. That chick looked pretty healthy. I'm sure she's fine."  
said Jim, checking the rearview mirror.  
"Her severed head is smeared on our windshield." Gene pointed out.  
"Maybe she was part cockroach. Those guys can live without  
their head for 2 weeks, you know." said Jim.  
"Just how fast were you going? It looked to me like she  
exploded on impact." asked Aisha.  
"Aisha, shut up and eat your grease." said Jim.  
"I'm getting kind of sick though...It's kind of gross stuff."  
said Aisha.  
"EAT IT ANYWAY!" yelled Jim, frustrated.  
Aisha looked frightened. "Jim, what has happened to you?  
You're so different...You're nothing like the Jim I fell in love  
with!"  
"God dammit Aisha!" said Gene.  
  
It was a dark and stormy night on Blue Heaven. Actually, the  
skies were pretty clear. Excellent stargazing conditions, if you ask  
me.  
But anyways, the Anten Seven and Dave were walking around in the big,  
bustling city and trying to decide what to do next.  
"Okay, so we're stuck on this stupid asteroid thing without a  
spaceship." said Hazanko. "What's the first course of action to deal  
with this problematic situation?"  
"Get really drunk and forget the whole thing?" asked Dave.  
"Exactly." said Hazanko. "Let's find a car to hotwire so we  
can examine the local nightlife!"  
"Here's a Ford." said Hamushi. "I'm sure no one will miss it."  
"I certainly wouldn't." agreed Hazanko, disgusted. "However,  
it's a bit small. We need something that can hold all of us, like a  
minivan or something."  
"I found one I found one!" yelled Tobeigera, jumping up and  
down in front of a minivan.  
"But...It has wood paneling! UUGGGGHH!" said Jukei in disgust.  
"It'll have to do." said Hazanko. "Everone climb in, we're  
going for a ride!"  
"I get the back! I get the back!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"No, I want the back!" yelled Jukei, scrambling into the car.  
"You guys can BOTH get in the back." sighed Hazanko. "It's a  
3-person seat."  
"Woohoo!" yelled Hitoriga, high fiving Jukei. Since Jukei's  
Arm was strapped to his side, the high five was just Hitoriga  
smacking  
Jukei in the face. It was pretty damn funny.  
"Everyone buckle the heck up cause LEILONG, MASTER OF THE  
HIGHWAY, is officially driving!" yelled Leilong, hopping into the  
driver's seat.  
"No. Get out." said Hazanko. "You're the worst driver in the  
whole universe."  
"Oh come ON!" whined Leilong. "I'm perfectly fine so long as  
I don't have to paralell park! Or reverse. Or turn. Or stop  
accelerating."  
Hazanko sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Fine, fine. Since  
you're the only one of us with a license, you can drive. But you'd  
better  
not screw this up."  
"You can count on me!" said Leilong happily. "Someone smart,  
hotwire this thingy so we can get out of here!"  
"I took Hotwiring 101 in high school, let me handle it." said  
Dave. He walked over to the minivan, popped the hood and got to work.  
"Hang on...wait a second..." He pointed to a small wire in the care  
that looked clipped. "Somebody cut the brakes on this thing. I  
don't think it's safe to use this car."  
"Psh, who cares? I never use the brakes anyway." said  
Leilong. "Just hurry up and get in, whoever's car this is left their  
keys in the  
ignition!"  
"Wow, what a stroke of luck!" said Hazanko happily. "Everyone  
pile in!" They very, very slowly backed out of the parking lot and  
started driving through the big city. If you listened closely, you  
could hear the song "Summer In The City" by Lovin' Spoonful playing  
in the background. Hey, speaking of Lovin' Spoonful....  
  
"This is miserable." said Ron crabbily, driving his car on a  
stretch of Blue Heaven highway. "Melfina, are you sure you copied  
down  
BabyKillerTron's directions right?"  
"Yep, positive. 'Drive on Highway 89 for a while. Bleep  
bleep. Then head off into Exit 597. There, you'll find the SECRET  
ACCURSED MONSTER HEAD OF THE APOCALYPSE! Bleep. I just spilled my  
fucking coffee. God dammit.' That's all he told me."  
said Melfina.  
"I'm gonna miss that BabyKillerTron." sighed Harry. "He was  
so sincere about everything he did...I always really admired that  
about  
him."  
"What did he do? Did he even DO anything?" asked Ron.  
"Uh...He killed some babies and stuff." said Harry. "But he  
did it with such sincerity..."  
"Uh oh, Bumps Ahead." said Ron, reading off a road sign.  
"Better buckle up, you guys...."  
  
MEANWHILE, ON THE SAME STRETCH OF HIGHWAY  
  
"Bumps ahead?" asked Jim, barely being able to read the road  
sign as it sped past his head at light speed. "JIM FEARS NO  
BUMPS! SEATBELTS OFF, EVERYONE!"  
"Jim, can you slow down even a little? I'm gonna be sick..."  
moaned Aisha.  
"What's that, Aisha?! Did you say...SPEED UP?" asked Jim  
rhetorically, flattening the gas pedal and driving even faster.  
"Aisha, it's that grease you keep eating." said Gene. "Just  
dump that crap out the window and see if you can hold the projectile  
vomiting until we make it to a rest station."  
  
BACK AT THE MACDOUGALLS CAR"Hey, what's that car up ahead?" asked Harry. "Wow, they're  
going fast!"  
"Hey, that's Gene Starwind's car!" said Harry, amazed.  
"Wonder what old Gener's doing way out here?"  
"What's that bowl they're dumping out the window?" wondered  
Melfina. "Is that grease?"  
"Yeah right. Like Gene Starwind would be hauling around a  
huge bowl of grease in his ca-AAAAAAH!" started Ron, but he finished  
in a scream because their car began slipping on the spilled grease.  
"I...I can't control it!" stuttered Ron as the car slipped  
off the road.  
"Your hands aren't even on the steering wheel!" Melfina pointed out.  
"Oh. Oh yeah." said Ron, but it was already too late. They  
were off road and rolling the car over and over again down a huge  
hill.  
"I hope there's not a river or something at the bottom!"  
yelled Ron over the deafening noise.  
"I don't think there is!" said Harry.  
"Oh, good." said Ron calmly. "We don't have to worry about a  
thing then." The car bumped and crunched down the rest of the hill  
until it finally came to rest at the bottom.  
"Woohoo!" laughed Ron, pumping his fist in the air.  
"GET OUT OF THE CAR! GET OUT OF THE CAR!" yelled Melfina.  
"Why? We're safe! Yeehaw!" chuckled Ron. He grabbed the  
steering wheel. "Let's get back on the highway!"  
Melfina yanked him out of the car mere seconds before it  
exploded in a horrible fireball. "Wow! It's so pretty!" remarked  
Harry.  
"Reminds me of back in high school, when I blew up your car in a  
horrible fireball."  
"Ah yes, those were the days." said Ron happily.  
"You guys are both maniacs." said Melfina. She looked around  
at at the barren, desolate landscape they crashed in. No sign of life  
all around, not even a dead tree. The wind whistled across the  
featureless landscape and the cracked ground beneath their feet. It  
was seemingly colored entirely in greyscale, it was so melancholy.  
"Just where the heck are we?"  
"Apparently we're in some writer's corny scene description."  
said Ron. "Let's get out of here, fast."  
"Let's get back to the highway and hitch hike." said Harry,  
turning around. "It should be just up that hill we fell...?" Everyone  
paused  
and stared behind them. There was no hill there at all, just the same  
endless, featureless desolate wasteland. They looked all  
around them for some sign of the hill, but it was gone.  
"What the hell?!" yelled Melfina. "The hill's gone! Where the  
fuck...How did we get here?"  
"Shhh! There's children present!" said Ron. "Harry's very  
impressionable, so you don't want to-"  
"Haha! What a funny word! Fuck fuck fuck!" laughed Harry.  
"Fuck fuck fuck! Haha! Fuck! Say it with me everyone! FUCK!"  
"Fuck!" said Melfina, joining in the fun.  
"Both of you, shut up." said Ron quickly. "Apparently we've  
fallen into some kind of crazy time rift or something, and now we're  
in  
some kind of alternate really scary dimension. Or maybe it's part of  
some ancient curse...That we fell into a carefully designed trap  
in the form of that bumpy part of the highway."  
"Ron, are we trapped in a Stephen King novel?" asked Harry,  
terrified.  
"Don't be stupid Harry. If we were, this dimension would be  
like 6,000 pages long." said Ron, like Harry was the biggest idiot in  
the  
world.  
"That doesn't really make any sense...." said Melfina.  
"Shut up!" said Ron. "Now then, the first step to our  
survival is to find shelter."  
"Well, there's a big scary house sitting right there." said  
Harry. He pointed to a small, two-story house. It was really trashy  
looking  
and messed up, and all around scary. "I say we split up and search  
the house for people and/or supplies." Apparently Harry has no  
expereience with any horror movies at all.  
"Good plan. I'll check the basement." said Melfina.  
"I'll look around in the attic." said Ron.  
"I'll check around the toolshed once it gets dark." said  
Harry. They walked up to the house and walked inside.  
"Do we need to turn on the lights?" asked Melfina.  
"Pfff. Do we need to turn on the lights!" said Ron mockingly.  
"What, you think some psychotic maniac is going to jump out of  
nowhere, tie us up and subject us to a horrible brand of torture?"  
"Yes." said Melfina. Then a psychotic maniac jumped out of  
nowhere, tied them up, and prepared to subject them to a horrible  
brand of torture.............  
  
"...So the retarded Dutchman says to the schizophrenic midget  
rabbi: 'Oh YEAH, well I had fucked your momma UP THE ASS!'"  
laughed Tobeigera.  
"That's not funny." said Hamushi. "Not at all. Not even close."  
"Yeah. Well, I wouldn't expect you to understand that class  
of high brow humor." sighed Tobeigera. The Anten Seven and Dave  
were hanging out at a local dance club. They were scoping the chicks  
and talking to each other about random stuff.  
"Dude, I dare you to ask that girl over there." said Jukei  
with a chuckle.  
Hitoriga looked at the girl Jukei was indicating. "Dude, no  
way! She's way out of my league! YOU ask her!"  
"No, you!" said Jukei in an overly whiny voice.  
"If you guys are going to be such pansies about this, I'll  
ask her myself." said Leilong. He walked over to the girl. "Excuse  
me, can I  
strangle you?"  
"Dude! He actually asked her!" said Jukei, amazed.  
"She's nodding! What's that mean?" wondered Hitoriga.  
"Now she's kicking him in the face! And the stomach! Man, do  
you think she'll say yes?" asked Jukei.  
"Alright, screw this." said Hazanko. "You guys are rejects.  
I'm going out on the dance floor." He walked out to the middle of the  
dance floor. "Wait a second, and you guys are joining me!"  
"What?!" yelped Dave, but before he or the rest of the Anten  
guys could argue, Hazanko had mind controled them and forced them  
to join him in dancing an EXACT replica of Michael Jackson's  
Thriller. Just picture this. Isn't that the most totally sick ass  
thing of all  
time? If I experienced seeing the Anten people doing Thriller, I  
think my head might explode from the sheer awesomeness of it all.  
In fact, that's what started happening to the people in the club so  
they had to stop. Sucks.  
"Fine then, let's go back to our SIMPLE, boring lives."  
sighed Hazanko.  
"Hey, that girl over there keeps looking at me!" said  
Hitoriga happily. "Think I've got a chance?"  
Jukei stared long and hard at the girl, then back at  
Hitoriga. "Not to offend your manliness, but I think she's only  
looking at you  
because you have a sack on your head."  
"...Screw you. I'm gonna go talk to her." said Hitoriga,  
standing up and wading through the throng of dancing people to the  
girl. "Hey  
there gorgeous, what's a beautiful thing like you doing in a place  
like this?"  
"That pickup line only works if you're in a really trashy  
bar. This is the hottest and ritziest club in town." said Suzuka.  
"What? Suzuka!" said Hitoriga.  
"I was trying to get out of here before you noticed me. What  
do you want? I've got other clubs to waste Gene's money on." said  
Suzuka.  
"Um...nothing important." said Hitoriga, flustered.  
"Well, if it's not important then I'm leaving. See you  
around." said Suzuka, turning to the door.  
"Wait!" yelled Hitoriga, grabbing her arm. "Why did you make  
out with that Ctarl girl on universal TV?! What about my feeli-"  
"ACK! LET GO OF ME!" yelled Suzuka.  
"Just hear me out!" demanded Hitoriga. "Do you really hate me  
so much, that you would tear my heart to pieces in front of trillions  
of-"  
"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!" yelled Suzuka. "SOMEBODY HELP, HE'S  
TRYING TO RAPE ME!"  
"No I'm not! I'd never do something so horrib-" started Hitoriga.  
"RAPE! SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS! AGH, WHAT ARE YOU- OH MY GOD,  
IT HURTS! NO! NO! OW OW OW OW! SOMEONE  
PLEASE SAVE ME!" yelled Suzuka.  
"....I don't know why I even try to have a decent  
conversation with you when you always scream that I'm trying to rape  
you." said  
Hitoriga exasperatedly.  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE! AGH! NO! WHO ARE  
THEY?! OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU HORRIBLE GUYS  
GOING TO DO TO ME? KEEP AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE FISH HOOKS! OH  
PLEASE, SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW AND SPARE  
ME FROM THE PAIN I'M SURE TO EXPERIENCE IN A FEW MINUTES!" yelled  
Suzuka, almost pleading.  
Dude, gross. I just sneezed, and now there's like mucus all  
over my monitor. I'm not kidding. It's really disgusting. Crap, I did  
it  
again. Nwo it's cakde itssssself in my keybord adn its mkaing it  
harrrd too tpye. Haha, tricked you. But wouldn't that be sick though?  
Anyways, then some security guys grabbed Hitoriga and threw  
him out of the club...................  
  
"Arf arf!" said a dog in the backseat of Jim's car.  
"Well, that was easy enough." said Gene happily. "We bought a  
new dog for Fred, and now all we have to do is take it home and  
leave it on his doorstep."  
Jim got into the car and revved the engine. "So Fred won't  
kill us and make me into a huge yaoi fan now?"  
"Nope, we should be fine now." said Aisha happily as Jim  
backed the car out of the pet store's parking lot. "That is, if  
nothing goes  
wrong...."  
  
NEXT EPISODE: SOMETHING GOES WRONG!  
  
-------------  
  
And that's that for this episode, everyone. Didn't I finish  
this one quickly? Aren't you all impressed? I can work hard if I  
really want  
to. Having a 4-day weekend helps too. Well, see you guys later in the  
next episode of...THE PARTY SHIP! THE MOST PARTYIN'  
STORY IN THE GALAXY!  
Jet: CHANGE YOUR DAMN SLOGAN!  
  



	19. Meglatoqorps

Well, here's another secret chief of the third Party Ship  
apocalypse. I call it...Meglatoqorps. This is the name it has been  
given by  
the gods, and it will not be argued. Enough talk. Let's get homeless.-----------------  
  
"Wait, Fred!" called Shorton. "You're leaving already?"  
Fred looked over his shoulder, suitcase in hand. "Yes, it's  
time I finally left you."  
"Why? What is there for you at home?" asked Shorton bitterly.  
"Why will you not stay here with me forever?"  
"I have friends at home. I have a dog, and the man of my  
dreams waiting for me to return." said Fred dreamily.  
"You're not talking about that Gene Starwind, are you?" asked  
Shorton.  
"Yes, yes I am." said Fred. "Why do you ask?"  
"Gene Starwind lives life on the edge, filled with danger and  
fighting." said Shorton. "You're not that kind of person Fred. You'd  
be  
much better off with me, settled down and living in peace."  
"I'm not the kind of person for danger and fighting?" asked  
Fred humorously. "I'm afraid you don't know very much about me, even  
now."  
"I'm sorry, I never meant-" started Shorton.  
"No, don't speak. Don't spoil this tender departure with  
words. Let us leave each other with no words, especially none of  
regret.  
Let us leave each outher without looking back." said Fred.  
Shorton sighed. "Very well. Just remember that if things get  
rough, you can always come back here to see me again."  
"I will. Thank you for everything, Shorton." said Fred, and  
he walked off into the sunset.  
  
"Can I go back inside NOW?" whined Hitoriga to a bouncer.  
"No. I threw you out." said the bouncer. "Seriously, what are  
you still doing here?"  
"Waiting for my girlfriend." said Hitoriga.  
"Well, suit yourself." sighed the bouncer. There was a few  
moments of silence.  
"So...do you like pumpkin pie?" asked Hitoriga.  
"Alright, I changed my mind. Get out of here." said the  
bouncer. Just as Hitoriga began walking away, Suzuka left the bar.  
"Did you enjoy your evening, ma'am?" asked the bouncer.  
"Sure, except for that SICKO who tried to RAPE me." said  
Suzuka, overacting. "I hope you guys beat the shit out of that guy."  
"Actually, he's still hanging around here somewhere." said  
the bouncer looking around. "I'll let you handle him."  
"Hi!" said Hitoriga happily. "Wasn't that club fun? Where  
should we go next?"  
"We're not dating. I hate you." said Suzuka. "How many times  
do I have to tell you that before you get the picture?"  
"I dunno." said Hitoriga.  
"We're not dating. I hate you. We're not dating. I hate you.  
We're not dating. I hate you. We're not dating. I hate you. We're not  
dating.  
I hate you. We're not dating. I hate you. We're not dating. I hate  
you. We're not dating. I hate you. We're not dating. I hate you.  
We're  
not dating. I hate you. We're not dating. I hate you. We're not  
dating. I hate you. We're not dating. I hate you." said Suzuka. "Feel  
anything yet?"  
"Not really." said Hitoriga happily. "Wanna go see a movie?"  
Suzuka sighed. "I'm going to the supermarket in a second. You  
can tag along if you want, but you can't ever bother me ever again.  
Ever."  
"Okay!" said Hitoriga.  
"Really?" said Suzuka, kind of surprised.  
"That's a really bad deal on your part, dude." said the  
bouncer to Hitoriga.  
"I don't care. Any moment I can spend with Suzuka is  
treasured." said Hitoriga happily, skipping around with tons of  
little hearts  
flying out of his head.  
"Isn't it painful having all those hearts flying out of your  
head?" asked Suzuka.  
"I endure the pain for you, Suzuka." said Hitoriga.  
"Call me Twilight." giggled Suzuka.  
"What?! You mean it?!" asked Hitoriga excitedly.  
"No." said Suzuka. Then the rest of the Anten guys exited the  
bar, as one mass of laughter and intoxication.  
"Hahaha! I'm intoxicated! Oh boy!" chuckled Jukei.  
"Wow, hey Suzuka! Long time no see!" said Dave, waving.  
"Ah, hey there Dave." said Suzuka. "How's everything?"  
"Everything's great!" said Dave. "Except for the bugs. Stupid  
bugs. Other than that, I'm fine. I can see you're just as pretty as  
ever.  
How's Fred?"  
"Oh yeah, he was asking about you. You should probably give  
him a call or something." said Suzuka.  
"WHOA! WHOA WHOA WHOA!" yelled Hitoriga. He pointed at Dave.  
"QUIT BEING FRIENDLY WITH SUZUKA! SHE'S MY GIRL!"  
"No I'm not." said Suzuka.  
"Oh REALLY? Well then what was that back at the Beach Boy's  
concert, when you danced with me?! Huh?" asked Hitoriga. "What  
was that?!"  
"That was an easy way to make 500 bucks." said Suzuka blankly.  
"Oh...Yeah." sighed Hitoriga.  
Suzuka turned back to Dave. "Sorry Dave, I promised this guy  
I'd take him with me to the supermarket tonight."  
"Oh. So no chance of a date then?" asked Dave, disappointed.  
"Sorry." said Suzuka. "Call me sometime. Here's my cell phone  
number. I'll see you later." She wrote down her number on a piece  
of paper and handed it to him, then left with Hitoriga.  
"Oooooh! Dave's got a girl-FRIEND!" sang Leilong and Jukei  
annoyingly. "Dave's got a girl-FRIEND!"  
"I do not! Shut up you guys!" said Dave defensively.  
  
It was a warm, sunny day in the middle of winter. Jim, Aisha,  
and Gene were driving along the interstate, Fred's new dog safely in  
tow. Jim was driving, Gene was sitting shotgun, and Aisha was in the  
back hanging over the driver's seat and flirting  
with/distracting Jim.  
"RIGHT! LEFT! STRAIGHT! U-TURN! LEFT! LEFT! RIGHT! NO! LEFT!  
NO! LEFT! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? RIGHT!"  
yelled Aisha.  
"Aisha, quit trying to confuse me." said Jim.  
"Sorry." said Aisha. "Awww Jim, you look so tired. Let your  
cute little Aisha take over driving for a while!"  
"Cute little Aisha?" wondered Gene, irritated. "Shut up Aisha."  
"Haha! Gene's jealous!" laughed Jim.  
"I am not!" said Gene.  
"Wow...I had no idea that you were interested in Jim that  
way, Gene!" said Aisha, surprised.  
"That's not what I meant!" yelped Jim. "But yeah Aisha, a  
little break might be nice."  
"Great! Pull over here so we can switch." said Aisha,  
pointing to a rest station. Jim pulled over, the two of them switched  
places  
and Jim fell asleep in the backseat. They set out on the road again.  
"Aisha, you're such a disgusting pedophile." said Gene.  
"Can't argue with that!" said Aisha cheerfully. "Why'd you  
bring that up?"  
"Never mind." sighed Gene. He looked out the window. "Does it  
look like rain to you?"  
"Yeah, actually it does." said Aisha worriedly. "Guess we'd  
better put the top back up."  
"Yeah, it might get cold. I'd hate for you to catch the flu  
or something from driving around topless." said Gene.  
"Me too." said Aisha, putting her top back on.  
  
"Man that's a nasty storm outside." whistled Harry, looking  
out the window. It was a bleak and desolate day inside that freaky  
old  
house where Ron, Harry, and Melfina were now being held captive.  
"HEY! EYES AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!" commanded a familiar voice  
from somewhere in the shadows.  
"Who the hey are you, and why have you captured us?!" yelled Melfina.  
"My name is not for you to know...yet." said the person. "As  
for why I've captured you, what would YOU have done? You three people  
show up out of nowhere, exploding your cars and things, then you  
barge into my house...I thought I'd be alone here, but I guess I  
was wrong."  
"You did? Just where IS here, anyway?" asked Ron.  
"It's rather hard to explain, to tell you the truth." said  
the person. "As far as I can tell it's some sort of alternate  
universe. An alternate  
universe that looks suspiciously like Iowa during a drought. I  
stumbled across this place by accident myself, just like you."  
"You did? And you've never found a way out? How long have you  
been here?" asked Melfina.  
"It's hard to say for certain." said the familiar-sounding  
person. "Time doesn't exist out here, it seems. There is no sunrise  
or  
sunset to alert you of the passing days. Just the blank, colorless  
tone you see outside."  
"This place sounds horrible." said Ron, looking out the window.  
"HEY! STOP LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW!" yelled the person.  
"Why don't you want us to look out the window?" asked Harry.  
"Because. Sometimes there's monsters out there. Not always,  
but sometimes. And if you see one, they know it. They just know it.  
And then they kill you." said the person.  
"Really?" asked Harry.  
"Yes." said the person. "There used to be more people with  
me. I was one of a group of thirty who crash landed here from space.  
I'm the only one who ever resisted the temptation to look out the  
window. And that's where I am today."  
"This is so pathetically Stephen King." said Ron, rolling his eyes.  
"You shut up." said the mysterious person.  
"And why are we tied up?" asked Harry.  
"Ah. I was wondering when you'd ask me about that." said the  
person. "I do need SOMEONE to test my experiments on."  
"Great." said Ron. "Hey, is anything funny going to happen in  
our segments of this chapter?"  
"Nope! You guys get to be plot-advancers!" I laughed, from  
somewhere up above.  
"Swell." said Ron grumpily.  
  
"1 milk?! What the hell!? You want me to get fat or  
something?" yelled Suzuka angrily, jumping up on top of her shopping  
cart,  
milk carton in one hand and pointing an accusing finger at Hitoriga  
with the other.  
"Sorry...I was just trying to help." said Hitoriga.  
"Yeah well, I drink SKIM MILK and only skim milk." said  
Suzuka, climbing down off her cart. "God...It stings me to imagine  
the  
weight I'd put on if I drank this stuff by accident." She pulled a  
carton of skim milk off the shelf, hugged it fearfully, and dropped  
it  
into her cart.  
"Is that everything on your list?" asked Hitoriga.  
"Yeah, I think s-" started Suzuka, but then she screamed and  
flipped her cart over, sending food flying everywhere. She ran  
throuch  
the wreckage and picked up a fish fillet. "FISH! MEAT! MEATY MEAT!  
PROTEIN! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME!?"  
"I-I..." stuttered Hitoriga.  
"Gah! All that potential muscle mass! Upper body strength!"  
yelled Suzuka, clutching her head and running around. "Weight! AUGH  
AUGH AUGH!"  
"Hey, having some weight is good if it's all muscle mass and  
stuff...You need protein for that." said Hitoriga.  
"NO! NO!" Suzuka collapsed on the ground and curled up into a  
fetal position, still clutching her head. "MEAT BAD! FLAB! I'M NOT  
FLABBY!"  
"I know! Of course you aren't!" said Hitoriga. "You need to  
stop worrying so much abou-"  
"Don't worry about it." said Suzuka, standing up.  
"But I already am worried! I think you're taking your  
seriousness about your weight to an extreme level-" started Hitoriga.  
"Look, let's just change the subject." said Suzuka. "I'll  
take you to a movie if you want."  
"A movie?! Are you serious!?" asked Hitoriga.  
"Yeah, this time I am." said Suzuka. "Just this once."  
"Wow! That's awesome!" said Hitoriga, jumping around.  
"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"  
"Don't mention it." said Suzuka. "Let's just head out."  
  
4 HOURS OF WUSSY PRETTY BOYS ROBOTICALLY PRESSING OUT CORNY LINES  
LATER...  
  
"Wow, that movie sure sucked huh?" laughed Hitoriga.  
"It sure did." said Suzuka. "I don't get it, I've come to  
expect so much acting talent and quality from Matt Damon movies.  
Where did  
he go wrong with that one?"  
"Eh, don't worry about it." said Hitoriga. "So...uh, I guess  
you'll be taking me home now?"  
"Actually..." Suzuka gulped. "That was a long movie, are you  
getting hungry? We could grab something to eat."  
"Oh! Okay!" said Hitoriga.  
"We could go to Tofu Barn! They're having a price cut on  
veggie burgers!" said Suzuka happily.  
"....Ick." said Hitoriga.  
  
"I'M LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA!" yelled/sang Aisha, speeding down  
the highway.  
"AISHA! SHUT UP AND GET YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL!" yelled Gene.  
"Sorry..." said Aisha, calming down and gripping the steering  
wheel once again. "It's just, whenever Ricky Martin comes on the  
radio I'm filled with an insane desire to kill myself. I can't  
explain it."  
"We all are, but you don't see us acting on it!" said Gene,  
slightly frantic.  
"...Often." Aisha added.  
"Often." agreed Gene.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"I feel charming, oh so charming! It's alarming how charming  
I feeeeeel!" sang Fred, driving down the road while brushing his  
hair. "Wonder what's on the radio?" He turned it on with his free  
hand.  
"I'M LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA!" sang Ricky Martin.  
"I see..." said Fred, setting his brush down and listening to  
the horrible noises emanating from his radio. He closed his eyes and  
let go of the steering wheel and pressed the gas with all his might.  
"This is how it has to be. I realize this now."  
  
BACK IN GENE'S CAR  
  
"Hey, there's Fred's car! Behind us!" said Gene. Aisha turned  
around to look, then sped up.  
"We have to get home before him or he'll know Gilliam ate his  
dog!" said Aisha.  
"GILLIAM DOES TOO HAVE A MOUTH! HIS LITTLE ARM THINGS COME  
OUT OF IT!" yelled Gene.  
"....What the hell are you talking about?" asked Aisha.  
"I...I don't know." said Gene. "It just came out of me."  
"He doesn't have a digestive system though. It's still  
impossible." said Meowch.  
"Hey! Where'd you come from?" asked Aisha.  
"I shoved Jim out of the backseat about 400 miles back and  
helped myself in. Hope you don't care." said Meowch happily. "Nice  
car."  
"Thank you. We just had it reupholstered." said Gene.  
"About that digestive system thing, maybe he didn't HAVE to  
swallow him! Maybe he just chewed him up and spat him back out!"  
yelled Aisha. "Ever think of THAT?"  
"That wouldn't be eating him though. It distinctly says that  
he ate-" said Meowch.  
"BE QUIET! BE QUIET!" yelled Gene.  
"Isn't Fred crashing? Aren't you forgetting about that? What  
a miserable plot hole that would be!" chuckled Meowch. He teleported  
away and Jim took his place once again.  
"That was...bizarre." said Aisha.  
"Forget about that! What about Fre-" yelled Jim, turning  
around just in time to see Fred's car smash into the back of theirs  
and  
send them spinning off the highway.  
  
"Man, that was delicious!" said Suzuka happily.  
"It was a little too...lumpy for me." said Hitoriga. "Are hot  
dogs supposed to be yellow?"  
"I don't think so." said Suzuka.  
"Oh good, because those weren't." said Hitoriga. "They were  
more of a pale green. With a purplish tint."  
"Sick." said Suzuka. "Well, I guess there's not much more to  
do. I'll go ahead and take you home now. Where did you live again?"  
"Where do you live?" asked Hitoriga.  
"Moldy Helicopters Apartments." said Suzuka.  
"Wow, that's where I live too!" said Hitoriga instantly.  
"What a freaky coincidence." said Suzuka, filled with  
suspicion. "Well, shall I get us a ride?" She walked out into the  
middle of the  
street and stopped a car. She walked over to the driver's side door,  
pried it off it's hinges with her sword, and pointed her sword at  
the driver. "You. Get out of the car. Now."  
"Psh. No. What could someone like YOU do to ME?" asked the  
driver, a short guy with an afro.  
"This." said Suzuka, hacking the guy into small pieces.  
"Hitoriga, gather up the pieces and put them in the trunk. Let's  
hustle."  
Hitoriga just stared in shock. "You, you killed him!"  
"Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did." said Suzuka carelessly. "Now  
get moving and unload him before he stains the seat you have to sit  
in on your way taking me home."  
"Omigod omigod omigod..." said Hitoriga.  
"Jeez, you act like you've never seen anyone DIE before."  
said Suzuka. There was a long pause. "OH MY GOD!" Suzuka said with  
mock shock, and started laughing at him.  
"Hey, no! I've seen people die before!" said Hitoriga. "Loads  
of people! I'm one bloodthirsty bastard!"  
"Yeah, SURE!" laughed Suzuka. "I doubt you've killed anyone  
in your entire life!"  
"Hey, I DID kill your entire family you know." said Hitoriga  
grumpily.  
"Oh yeah. I'm full of hatred over that." Suzuka reminded  
herself. She put on her best angry face and they got in their new car  
and  
drove home.  
  
"Doo dee doo, man it sure is fun looking out the window  
here." said Harry, whistling. "Lalala. Hey, look at all those  
monsters."  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! STOP IT! STOP RIGHT NOW!"  
yelled their angry captor.  
"I'm just kidding." laughed Harry. "Man, you should have seen  
the look on your face."  
"You can't see my face and you know it." said the voice from  
the shadows. "Notice the shadows."  
"OH MY GOD! LOOK OVER THERE!" yelled Ron, pointing wildly  
towards the window. Even though he was tied up. Don't ask me.  
"WHAT? WHAT IS IT?" yelled Melfina, looking out the window.  
"Haha! Made you look!" laughed Ron. "See any monsters?"  
"Nope. Just some bees. Are bees monsters?" asked Melfina.  
"Sometimes. Look again to see if they're gone." said Harry.  
"YOU IMMATURE BRATS STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" yelled the voice.  
"We've been looking out the window every five seconds, and we  
haven't seen one single monster." said Ron. "I think you're  
feeding us a bunch of lies."  
"YOU WHAT!?" yelled the voice angrily.  
"See, look." said Harry, looking back and forth from the  
shadows to the window. "Window? No monsters. Again. Window. No  
monsters. Again. Window. No monsters. Again. Window. Monster. Again.  
Windo-"  
"WHAT?! THERE WAS A MONSTER OUT THERE?!" yelled Ron.  
"Sure enough. Again. Window. Big scary monster looking at  
me." said Harry, continuing his dumbness.  
"You maniac! Look what you've done!" yelled the voice. "We  
have to flee! We can't let you die!"  
"Sounds great. Come over here and untie me." said Harry.  
"But...Then you could see my face! I'd be out of the shadows!  
You'd know who I was!" said the mysterious person.  
"THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH HERE!" yelled Ron. "IT IS  
NOT A MATTER OF FACE AND NO FACE!"  
"Somehow that makes sense." said the voice, sounding  
defeated. "Very well, I'll untie you." The person walked out of the  
shadows  
slowly.  
"OH. MY. GOD. IT'S YOU!" yelled Melfina.  
"I can't. BELIEVE it." said Ron in awe.  
"Dad?" asked Harry.  
  
--------------  
  
This chapter confuses me. I tried to add an element of drama  
to the comedy, but I really don't know if it came together how I  
envisioned it at all. I'm guessing it probably didn't. Please tell me  
if all this stupid drama crap is turning you off, I want to know if  
I'm  
doing something wrong. If you're like: "Hey dude. Your chapters suck  
now. Do something funny." Then I'll totally listen and change  
my evil ways. The first step to change is admitting I have a problem,  
so don't hesitate to criticize. Thank you.  
Jet: (enters room) Where's the popsicles I just bought?  
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I graciously apologize for Meowch's  
unauthorized cameo appearance. It was necessary. Sorry dude, I  
love you. Really.  
Jet: POPSICLES! WHERE!  
I left them on the counter to thaw out.  
Jet: ....I hate you. More than anything else in the world.  



	20. Decades

 Hey there, O unborn atom children of the lost civilization!   
The time has come for you to shed your protective shell of pus and   
jelly, and begin   
life as a being of Malak! Yes! YES! Raise your antennae to skies and   
feel the cold north wind upon your stalks! The senses and feelings of   
generations past flood you with information! Fill you with a   
knowledge that the average human being could only dream of! Bend your   
arms!   
Stretch your legs! In your 8 appendages you wield more power than an   
army of men! You are the product of millions of years of evolution,   
the   
finest beings upon this planet! Now go forth! Spread your mighty   
wings and begin your heightened existence!   
Jet: Oh baby! Intense! I feel like a million bucks!   
...You have no concept of the beauty of science. 

----------- 

"Dad?" asked Harry.   
"No. I'm not your dad." said Hot Ice Hilda.   
"Mom?" asked Harry.   
"No. I'm not your mommy." said Hilda.   
"Rover?" asked Harry.   
"No. I'm not your cat." said Hilda.   
"Rover was my dog." sniffled Harry. "He was my friend."   
"I'm terribly sorry for your loss." said Hilda.   
"It's not like I LOST him." said Harry. "I knew where he was   
the whole time while I was slowly dismembering him."   
"Ick." said Hilda.   
"Wow, Hilda." said Ron. "You look great! Considering you fell   
into a star and all that."   
"Yeah, about that..." said Hilda. But then this huge freaky   
monster busted into the room.   
"ME EAT GIRLY MAN GUY!" yelled the monster.   
"I'm...I'm not a girly man!" sobbed Harry as the monster ate him.   
"OH MY GOD! GRAB HIS LEGS!" yelled Hilda as Harry disappeared   
inside the monster.   
"Okay!" yelled Melfina. She grabbed one leg and Hilda grabbed   
the other.   
"Wh-what should I grab?" asked Ron shakily.   
"Grab my ass. Please." said Hilda lustfully.   
"Uh, okay." said Ron, grabbing Hilda's ass.   
"Tighten your grip!" yelled Melfina.   
"Yes, please!" moaned Hilda.   
"Not Ron, you! Harry's almost gone!" whined Melfina.   
"Oh...Okay." said Hilda. She tightened her grip and started   
pulling Harry out of the monsters mouth.   
"GREGAG BLUB?" mumbled the monster.   
"Okay. Harry, make yourself as thin as possible." instructed Hilda.   
"As thin as possible? You mean I should regurgitate all my   
food?" came Harry's voice from deep inside the monster.   
"No, I mean keep your arms and stuff close to your body and-"   
started Hilda. "Actually, that regurgitation thing would probably   
work too. Try   
that."   
"Can do!" laughed Harry, instantly followed by some loud   
retching noises.   
"Melfina, pull harder. Ron, start massaging my cheeks a   
little." commanded Hilda. "Ah, yeah. That's good. Monster, open your   
mouth really   
really wide."   
The monster opened it's mouth really wide, surrendering it's   
free will to Hilda's take-no-prisoners attitude. They easily lifted   
Harry free.   
"Woohoo! I'm a free man!" laughed Harry, dancing a jig.   
"Alright, nice work everyone." said Hilda. "Especially Ron.   
Very VERY good work on your part. Here's my phone number, Ron."   
"Thanks." said Ron.   
"Well, then I guess we should look for a way out of here."   
said Hilda. "No point in sitting here gathering dust."   
"Uh, haven't you been here for like decades and decades?"   
asked Ron. Decades is a really fun word to type. You type it all with   
one hand.   
Decades. It's really sweet. Back to the story.   
"Yes, I have been here for decades and decades and decades."   
said Hilda. Sorry, I can't get over how cool that is. "I haven't   
started   
searching yet though."   
"Wow, here's an emergency exit!" said Melfina happily.   
"Man, I should have done that searching thing DECADES ago!"   
laughed Hilda. They walked out of the door and into a huge,   
brilliantly   
blinding light.   
"It sure is dark out here." commented Harry.   
"Shut up." said Ron.   
"Look! It's our car!" said Melfina, as soon as the light   
subsided to reveal the highway they drove off.   
"IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!" yelled Harry.   
"Yes Harry, that's our car." said Ron, slightly irritated.   
"We've already covered that."   
"Oh, okay." said Harry.   
"WHOA! IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!" screamed Melfina.   
"Yeah, that's a roadsign." said Ron.   
"Fantastic." said Melfina. 

......... 

"Guh. What happened? I feel like I've been knocked out for   
DECADES!" exclaimed Fred, sitting up and rubbing his head. He glanced   
around   
and saw the twisted burning wreckage of his and Gene's cars all   
around. He saw Gene's and Jim's unconcious bodies lying a few feet   
away. He heard a familiar noise. He turned around to see....PUPPY IN   
A CAGE! BARKING! FREAKY SHIT, MAN!   
"CLEVELAND!" Fred squealed with glee, opening the cage and   
hugging the puppy. "Did you get a haircut? I never noticed you were a   
golden retriever before! Oh well, it's so good to see you again!"   
Aisha stirred and woke up next to him. "Gurgle. Hey there   
Fred. Nice driving, asshole."   
"Thank you!" said Fred happily. "I thought you were driving   
superbly as well!"   
"Where's Gene and Jim?" asked Aisha.   
"Over there." said Fred, pointing at them. "We'll OBVIOUSLY   
have to give them mouth to mouth."   
"Oh definitely." said Aisha. "I get dibs on Jim." She walked   
over and started pulling Jim's clothes off.   
"What are you doing Aisha?" asked Fred.   
"Uh...I figured they might be...(cough) hot." said Aisha. "It   
would be best to take all their clothes off."   
"Good thinking!" said Fred, stripping off all of Gene's clothes.   
"We should probably get naked too." said Aisha, taking off   
all her clothes. "Shared body heat is always good."   
"Man, you're so smart Aisha!" laughed Fred, shedding his   
clothes as well. "Always know what to do in a crisis!"   
"You'd be surprised how many problems can be solved by   
getting naked." said Aisha. "It's okay to use tongue right?"   
"If I said it wasn't, would you do it anyway?" asked Fred.   
"Yes." said Aisha.   
"Ooooh, how delightfully naughty!" chuckled Fred. "Well, lets   
get started!" He quickly began making out with Gene. Aisha did the   
same with   
Jim. 

4 HOURS LATER 

"Anything yet?" panted Fred.   
"Not yet." panted Aisha. "Is there anything we're doing wrong?"   
"I don't think so." said Fred. He sighed. "My tongue is   
getting sore."   
"I'm getting hip cramps from my body gyrations." said Aisha moodily.   
"Me too." said Fred.   
Suddenly Gene woke up. "Hi everybod-BOOOOOOBS!" he launched   
himself at Aisha.   
"Ack! Get him off!" yelled Aisha, kicking Gene and sending   
him flying into a ravine.   
"NOOOO! GEEEENE!" cried Fred. "I knew you well!"   
"ME TOOOO!" cried Aisha.   
"WHAT'S THE QUESTIOOOOON?" cried Jim, just waking up.   
"Oh, hey Jim. Nice night for a pair of romantically   
intertwined people to be alone together, wouldn't you say?" asked   
Aisha.   
"You don't say! Is that why you and Fred are sitting out here   
together with your clothes off and looking very sexually excited?"   
asked Jim.   
"....No. That's insulting." said Aisha.   
"Jim, allow me to point out that Aisha has boobs." said Fred,   
clarifying the situation.   
"Good point." said Jim. 

............ 

It was a day of wine and roses in some random bar somewhere   
on Blue Heaven. Hazanko and the rest of the gang had been kicked out   
of   
every bar in the county for the occasional bit of head-explody and/or   
groping and/or yelling SCHWING at the queen of England.   
"I am THOROUGHLY drunk and yet I am STILL not forgetting my   
problems yet!" yelled Hazanko, enraged.   
"Drinking doesn't help you forget your problems, it just   
makes it harder to drive." said the bartender.   
"You're stupid. Shut up and give some REAL BEER! You know,   
the stuff that makes you forget things!" demanded Hazanko.   
"Eh, okay." said the bartender.   
"Can someone help me with my drink?" asked Jukei.   
"SURE! I'LL HELP YOU WITH IT ALL RIGHT!" yelled Iraga,   
pouring Jukei's drink all over him.   
"Hey! What the hell was that for?!" whined Jukei, hopping up   
and down in rage.   
"Sorry, I'm just getting PUMPED UP!" yelled Iraga, waving   
clenched fists in the air.   
"Give me back my clenched fists!" said Leilong angrily,   
grabbing them out of Iraga's hands.   
"What are you getting so PUMPED UP about anyway?" asked Hamushi.   
Iraga smiled and held up a flyer. "It's the ANNUAL STRONGEST   
WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE COMPETITION!"   
"Oh. My. God. Nobody cares." said Hazanko.   
"I care!" said Iraga.   
"Well, it's not like you can enter the contest until your   
LORD HAZANKO says you can." said Hazanko.   
"Can I enter the contest?" asked Iraga.   
"Sure. I don't care." said Hazanko.   
"Yippee!" giggled Iraga.   
"Can I enter too?" asked Hamushi.   
"Are you sure you want to? You can't especially see..." said Hazanko.   
"Sure I can." said Hamushi. "It's just a retarded looking   
helmet, I can see just fine when I take it off."   
"Oh. Okay." said Hazanko. "I thought it was attatched to your   
head or something...You shower with it on."   
"Yeah, well...There's a good explanation for that-" started   
Hamushi. "WAIT! How would you know what I look like when I'm   
showering!?"   
"Uh...I dunno." said Hazanko.   
"It's not like we've ever videotaped you taking a shower or   
anything." said Leilong. "And we totally don't have a huge archive of   
videos taking   
up space on the Geomancer. Don't worry about it."   
"Oh, that's a relief." said Hamushi.   
Suddenly they heard a HUGE CRASH from outside the bar! "WHAT   
IN THE WORLD WAS THAT?!" yelled Hanmyo. They all ran outside.   
"Hey there everybody. Hi. Hey there. Yo. Hi dee ho." said   
Gwen Kahn, stepping out of the Geomancer which he had just crashed in   
the   
parking lot.   
"Wow! Fantastic!" laughed Hazanko. "Kahn came back after all! Yay!"   
"Let's get her going! The hoosh kaw for you, bub!" said Kahn.   
Everyone stared at him for a second.   
"Yeah...Let's get going." said Hazanko, obviously unsettled.   
"Hey Dave, are you coming with us?"   
"No sir." said Dave. "It's finally time we parted ways."   
"Didn't you steal a ton of money from me or something? I   
can't really remember." said Hazanko, thinking.   
"N-no! Of course not!" said Dave quickly. "See ya later!" He   
ran off into the night.   
"Well, that's good to hear!" chuckled Hazanko. "Well   
everyone, climb aboard the old shipthing and lets get going!"   
"Hang on, where's Hitoriga? Did we lose him?" asked Leilong,   
looking around.   
"Nah, he's on a DAAAAAAAATE." said Jukei, putting gallons of   
unecessary emphasis on the word DATE.   
"You mean with that chick who he begged and begged for   
recognition from until she finally broke down and took him to the   
supermarket?"   
asked Leilong.   
"Something like that, yeah." said Jukei. 

........... 

"Horus, blast us off this miserable little asteroid!"   
commanded Hilda. Her, the MacDougalls, and Melfina were sitting on   
board Hilda's flying   
craft. I forgot what it was called. Was the ship itself called Horus   
too? Dunno. The Macdougalls and Melfina were hoping to hitch a ride   
to   
Heiphon.   
"Eh? Just who the HELL are you?" asked Horus.   
"Why Horus, dontcha remember yer good buddy Hilda?" asked   
Hilda, putting on a top hat and dancing around. "I liked dancing and   
stuff.   
Remember?"   
"...What." said Horus. "I haven't been operated in decades   
and decades and decades. I can't remember if I ever even HAD a master   
and I   
probably couldn't care less. Now clear out before I activate my   
security systems."   
"C'mon Horus! It's me! Hot Ice Hilda! The super babe with an   
eyepatch!" said Hilda, now imitating Michael Flatley. "I may be a   
little insane   
from decades upon decades of solitude, but I'm still the same old   
Hilda deep down."   
"You're not ringing any bells." said Horus.   
"Do a DNA scan or something! I'm the real deal!" yelled   
Hilda, taking off her shirt for no particular reason.   
"Why did you take off your shirt?" asked Melfina.   
"Oh, it's a reflex. Sorry." said Hilda, putting her shirt back on.   
"By glum, you really ARE my old master!" said Horus, shocked.   
He blasted off and launched into space. "Holy god christ, where did   
you go   
Hilda?"   
"I was trapped in a horrible Stephen King dimension." said   
Hilda, walking over and huggling Horus' computer screen. "But now I'm   
back   
with you, my dear."   
Horus giggled. "Oh Hilda, I'm so in love with you." he said   
with contentment. "But wait, who are your friends?"   
"Oh, sorry about that Horus-worus!" said Hilda, standing up.   
"That's Melfina, that's Ron, and that's Harry."   
"Are they new crew members?" asked Horus. "Also, isn't Ron a   
guy name?"   
"Ack, sorry. I was pointing to the wrong people." said Hilda,   
slightly confused. "But no, they're just visitors."   
"We've got a ship of our own to call home." said Harry happily.   
"I don't know about this, Hilda." said Horus. "We're not   
going to get any privacy with this many people on board. I haven't   
seen you in ages   
either, so we might want some alone time. Catch my drift?"   
"Oh Horus, you don't have to talk in code with me!" giggled   
Hilda. "I know EXACTLY what you mean, but it can wait a while, can't   
it?"   
"I-I don't know..." said Horus. "I've been hungry for the   
feel of your flesh for quite some time now, my dearest Hilda."   
"This is so insanely disturbing I can't even begin to fathom   
it." said Ron.   
"Why does everyone think that?" asked Hilda. "Certainly the   
human/machine aspect of romance is a social taboo. But if you would   
look past   
that blindspot society has placed in front of you, you'd see that   
it's a very normal and beautiful type of love, forced to be supressed   
by the   
pathetic and close-minded masses."   
"Like incest and beastiality." said Horus helpfully.   
"Exactly." said Hilda.   
"Um, yeah." said Ron, looking uncomfortable. "You know, we   
don't have to go all the way to Heiphon. You could, you know, just   
drop us off   
anywhere and we'd be fine."   
"No no, it's our pleasure!" laughed Hilda. "Me and Horus are   
just heading that way ourselves for our marriage!"   
"Ah yes, I forgot about that proposal." said Horus. "Still   
have your ring, I see."   
"Of course I do. I haven't forgotten you, Horus." said Hilda,   
kissing his screen.   
"No really, just let us off here." said Ron frantically,   
heading towards the airlock. "We could walk. Melfina could use the   
exercise."   
"Hey!" said Melfina.   
"Hang on, aren't human/machine marriages still banned all   
over the galaxy?" asked Harry.   
"A few swift name changes and no one will be the wiser." said   
Hilda shiftily.   
"I feel like such a lawbreaker." said Ron. "Just being on the   
same ship with you two is making me queasy."   
"HUMAN/MACHINAPHOBE! HUMAN/MACHINAPHOBE!" yelled Hilda,   
hitting Ron with a stick.   
"Ow! OW! Quit hitting me, you offense to god!" yelled Ron.   
"ROBOFUCKER! ROBOFUCKER!"   
"WHACK WHACK!" yelled Hilda, whacking him with the stick.   
"If I had arms, I'd assist you my sweet!" said Horus passionately.   
"This is raunchy." said Melfina. 

............ 

"So, you guys want a ride?" asked a guy in a car, pulling   
over to greet Gene, Aisha, Jim, and Fred who were walking along the   
road.   
"Yeah!" said Jim.   
"Well, too bad for you!" laughed the guy, driving away in a   
puff of smoke. They coughed and continued walking.   
"What a horrible, horrible person." said Gene.   
"Hot though." said Fred.   
"No." said Gene.   
"Okay." said Fred.   
"WHAT TRH FCUK?!" yelled Jim, pointing wildly to a shape on   
the horizon of the highway. He was so excited he lost all notion of   
correct   
spelling.   
"A car!" said Gene. They ran over to it. "Doesn't look too   
bad, aside from the roof beign caved in and partially on fire."   
"Man, it looks like someone flipped over and over and   
teleported to an alternate Stephen King universe in this thing!"   
remarked Jim.   
"Wow, you're right!" said Aisha. "And the keys are still in it!   
"Think it still drives?" asked Fred.   
"There's only one way to find out!" said Gene, with a   
familiar tone of danger in his voice. He rolled up his sleeves.   
"But where are we going to find a ton of qualified automobile   
experts to examine it way out here?" asked Jim.   
"Hmmm, good point." said Gene, rubbing his chin. "I guess   
we're stuck then."   
"Rats. I could have sworn you were on to something." said Aisha.   
"Wh-what if we just got in and tried to drive it?" asked   
Fred, stuttering with fear.   
"What the hell? Do you have a death wish or something?" asked   
Gene frantically. "No, we have to take this slow...You never know   
what   
could happen! If the car IS in fact not working....who knows what the   
consequences might be!"   
"Are you people retarded?" asked Jim curiously.   
"Let AISHA give this a try!" yelled Aisha, leaping into the   
car and turning the ignition.   
"NOOOOOO! AISHAAAAAA!" yelled Gene, straining towards the car   
as Jim and Fred held his arms.   
"Leave her Gene, LEAVE HER! We have to get to safety!" yelled Jim.   
"WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HER!" said Gene. "HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!"   
"Woohoo! It works!" said Aisha happily, driving the car around.   
"Aisha...Oh my god..." sobbed Gene, dropping to his knees. "I   
can't believe you're gone..."   
"There there Gene, dry those tears." said Fred, handing him a   
hankercheif. "It's not the end."   
"You're right." said Gene dramatically. He stood up. "It's   
NEVER the end! We will live through this time of hardship!"   
"Gene, there are times when it's excruciatingly painful to be   
your friend." sighed Jim.   
"GET IN DA CAR! IN! CAR!" yelled Aisha, honking the horn really loud.   
"I'm so very alone." said Gene moodily. 

........... 

"Okay. Which video will it be today?" asked Leilong, leading   
Hazanko and Jukei onto a descending platform which led them through   
thousands of feet of shelves containing simple videotapes.   
"Ah, we have accumulated quite a library here aboard the   
basement of the Geomancer." said Hazanko. "I'm sure there's no larger   
collection   
of Hamushi shower videos anywhere in the galaxy."   
"Yes, we've put a lot of hard work into this." said Jukei.   
"Let's go with number 45,607 today. 6/26/67. That one's a personal   
favorite of mine."   
"No no, I was thinking more along the lines of number 78,994.   
8/03/85. First time using Bodrial's Coconut-scented shampoo." said   
Leilong,   
pulling a video off the nearest shelf.   
"Ah yes, great choice." said Hazanko. "There's a lot of great   
material from the Bodrial era."   
"It's awful how most of our vintage tapes from that era got   
destroyed when we crash landed on Earth a few months back." sighed   
Jukei. "We   
lost tons of valuable material. We can't really claim to own the full   
set without those."   
"What? They were destroyed?" asked Hazanko.   
"Yeah. Only a handful of tapes from that era survived the   
crash. For the most part the rest of the collection was unharmed."   
said Jukei. "Still   
an undeniably terrible loss for mankind."   
"Indeed." said Leilong. "But there's no point of dwelling on   
it now. The best we can do is forget it." The three of them rode the   
platform back   
up through the huge video library and to the base level of the ship.   
They walked into the living room. Hanmyo, Tobeigera, and Iraga were   
sitting around on the various couches and doing things.   
"Hey guys, whatcha doin?" asked Tobeigera.   
"Nothing that interests you, you gruesome little freak." said   
Hazanko.   
"Got some more porn videos of Hamushi?" asked Tobeigera.   
"Maybe. You can't watch though." said Jukei.   
"You guys are disgusting." said Iraga. "Why don't you take   
some shower videos of ME for once?"   
"...Ew." said everyone in the room.   
"Come on, I'm not that bad! A little beefy maybe..." said   
Iraga. "But I'm actually very pretty!"   
"No you aren't." said Leilong.   
"You guys just don't want to go to all the trouble to install   
a secret camera in my shower, and you know it." said Iraga. "You're   
lazy."   
"No, you're just hideous." said Jukei.   
"That's no excuse!" said Iraga. She picked up Hanmyo.   
"Hanmyo's pretty! Why don't you put a camera in her shower? Eh? What   
do you have   
to say to that? You're just lazy!"   
There was a moment of long silence. "ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled   
Tobeigera.   
"She's like 5!" said Leilong.   
"I've had one there for years." said Hazanko. Everyone stared   
at him. "None of you heard that, and if you did then you don't care."   
"Okay." said Jukei. He turned to Iraga. "Look, the point here   
is that you look like ass. We'll never willingly take shower videos   
of you until this   
changes. That's just a fact you'll have to accept."   
"Well..." said Iraga. "Okay. I see how it is."   
"Good. I'm glad we talked some sense into you." said Hazanko.   
"Now go drink some protein shakes or something, it's high time we   
looked   
at an actually ATTRACTIVE woman." Iraga walked out the door. Hazanko   
popped the video into a VCR and a slightly grainy video of   
Hamushi's gorgeous nude showering body appeared on the screen.   
"So, where are we headed?" asked Jukei, looking out a window   
at the stars blazing past the ship.   
"Heiphon." said Hazanko. "We've got some unfinished business there."   
"We do?" asked Leilong.   
"Probably. We have unfinished business everywhere. We're such   
procrastinators." shrugged Hazanko. 

........... 

It was a jaguar of a day inside a city on Blue Heaven. Aisha,   
Fred, Gene, and Jim finally got in the car and drove home.   
"We're on the ROAD AGAAAAAAIN!" sang Aisha. "LIKE HIGHWAY   
GYPSIES NOW! WE'RE ON THE ROAD AGAAAIIIN!"   
"No. Shut up." said Gene. "Eyes on the road."   
"Why is Aisha even driving anyway?" asked Jim. "I think it's   
been proven that she's a woefully uneffective driver."   
"You're not one to talk, Big Jim!" said Aisha.   
"...Big Jim?" asked Fred.   
"Forget about it Fred, Aisha's just temporarily insane." said   
Gene. "So, how do you like your dog?"   
"Dog? Oh yeah, him." said Fred. "I left him back at the crash site."   
"Uh. Great." said Gene, slapping his forehead. "So we're back   
at square one, dog-wise?"   
"Nah, I don't need a dog anymore." said Fred. He held up a   
cat. "Not since I stole this cat from the 'dangerous and rabies   
infected' ward of   
the veterinarian's! Careful now, the little guy bites!" The cat   
immediately attacked Aisha's face. "I think he likes you!"   
"I...can't see! I'm gonna crash!" yelled Aisha.   
"No! No more crashes! We'll never finish this storyarc at   
this rate!" said Jim, trying to pull the cat off Aisha. Gene finally   
tore it off and tossed   
it out the window.   
"Nooooo! Herberrrrt!" sobbed Fred, manually rolling down the   
window so he could dramatically reach behind the car for his poor   
misisng   
cat friend.   
"You really need a new car. Manual window rolling-downers?   
Laaaame." said Fred, coming back inside.   
"Shut yer hole." said Jim. "Hey, who's that guy up there? In   
the middle of the road?"   
"Is that really be..." said Gene in awe.   
"Who? Who is it?" asked Aisha, squinting against the   
sunlight. "Oh. Yeah. That guy." She sped up the car and swerved to   
hit him. The guy   
dived out of the way and Aisha crashed into some garbage cans and   
stopped.   
"Hey guys! Man, it's great to see ya!" said Dave the   
Sunglasses Guy. "Think you guys could give me a ride somewheres?"   
"No. Get outta here." said Aisha.   
"Say, I don't believe we've met." said Dave, taking off his   
sunglasses and acting all handsome. "My name is Dave. Purveyor of   
sunglasses,   
romancer of lonely damsels, and quoter of Wayne's World. You can just   
call me Daveykins for now though, my gorgeous Ctarl maiden."   
"We've met. How 'bout if I just call you 'Creep'?" asked Aisha.   
"Fair enough, fair enough." said Dave. "Now, do you think I   
could trouble you for a ride? I'll even pay you."   
"Pay me? How much?" asked Aisha.   
"I don't have any money, actually." said Dave. "But I'd be   
more than happy to return the favor...In a steamier, more erotic   
way."   
"...Shopping?" wondered Aisha.   
"Um, yeah. Sure." said Dave. "How about it?"   
"Sure, climb in." said Aisha.   
"Wait, I don't think there's enough room in here." said Jim,   
looking around.   
"No no, I'm getting out here." said Fred, looking at a   
building just out the window. He got out of the car and shut the door   
behind him. "Big   
Tim's Modeling Studio."   
"Modeling Studio?" asked Gene.   
"Yeah, I'm the cover feature of next month's Playgirl! Look   
for me!" said Fred happily.   
"Eh. Yeah. Well, later Fred." said Gene, slightly rattled. He   
turned to Dave. "Get in. Now. Before he asks-"   
"Hey, that reminds me! How'd you like to pose with me, Gene?   
It's a great, easy way to earn money!" said Fred.   
"No, no thanks." said Gene.   
"Come on, we don't have to jump into the hardcore buttsex   
right away! We can ease into it, ya know?" coaxed Fred.   
Gene pulled Dave into the car. "Aisha! Drive! DRIVE!"   
"But I'm not done being turned on by your conversation yet."   
said Aisha. "Fred, use a 'piston-thrusting' metaphor."   
"Okay!" said Fred. "Anyways Gene, you'd have a blast! Just   
imagine it...Being enveloped by our combined masculinity and driven   
into a state   
of madness from our passionate lust! The piston thrusting of our   
poles, reaming each other's forbidden nooks and crannies as-"   
"Man, this is getting good. You guys don't mind if I touch   
myself, do ya?" asked Aisha.   
"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND DRIVE, YOU CRAZY FREAK?" yelled Gene.   
"Sure." said Aisha. She turned to Fred. "Tell me more later.   
Here's my email adress." She handed her email adress to Fred on a   
little   
business card that read: GOT YAOI? SEND IT TO AISHA!   
"SHUT UP! SHUT! UP!" yelled Gene.   
"Fine, fine." said Aisha, driving off. 

.............. 

Iraga sighed and stepped into her room. She sat down in a   
chair and pulled the flyer for the latest Annual Strongest Woman In   
The   
Universe competition out of her pocket. She read over it for the 40th   
time. She glanced over the final words: $300,000 ENTRANCE FEE. She   
took her wallet off her nightstand and quickly counted through her   
money.   
"300,000." she said to the empty room. "I'm not gonna have   
enough to get both..."   
She set the wallet aside and pulled a small flyer out of her   
dresser drawer. The heading on the paper read: 'LOOK LIKE BUTT? NEW   
HIGH   
TECH SURGERY CAN MAKE YOU LOOK AND FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS, FOR   
ONLY A THIRD OF THAT AMOUNT!'   
"Sweet deal." said Iraga, reading over the details on the   
flyer and finally coming to a stop on the price: $300,000. She held a   
flyer in each   
hand and glanced back and forth between the two of them. "Which one?   
Which means more to me?" 

............... 

"Ugh. Can you guys hold the makeout sessions for now?" asked Harry.   
"Oh, so you're going to persecute our love too huh?" asked Horus.   
"No, I'm just really offended by public displays of   
affection. Please stop." said Harry.   
"Fine then. Love hater." said Hilda, breaking her passionate   
kiss with Horus.   
"...Which leaves the universe to decide: Just what defines   
the Ocelot and the Panda? Is it speed? Is it intelligence? Or is it   
just plain old   
loveableness? More on this story as it develops." said a news   
reporter on TV. "Back to you, Roy."   
"Damn pandas. Just what is it people like so much about them?   
And what's with their black parts? What the hell is their problem?"   
said   
Ron angrily, crushing the remote control in his fist. Ron always got   
upset when watching the news, especially with socially and   
politically   
chraged stories such as this one.   
"In related news, women all over the universe are showing   
interest in the Annual Strongest Woman In The Universe competition   
once   
again." said Anchorman Roy. "The fine folks running the competition   
have recieved over 1,000,000 entry forms, making this already the   
largest participation record in the competitions history."   
"Hey Hilda, think you'll be entering that thingy?" asked Melfina.   
"Nah, that's not my thing." said Hilda. "YOU should enter,   
Melfina my love!"   
"But I'm not cool at all!" said Melfina. "And why did you   
just call me 'Melfina my love'?"   
"Did I now? Huh. Weird. Must've been a freudian slip." said Hilda.   
"Meaning that subconciously you want to be Melfina's lover?"   
asked Harry.   
"That's what I'm saying, yes." said Hilda. "Melfina's lover.   
That's the future for me!"   
"...Hilda, It's growing increasingly uncomfortable to be   
anywhere near you." said Ron. 

......... 

"Ah, so you guys aren't going any further?" asked Dave,   
getting out of the car.   
"Nope, this is where we live." said Aisha, locking the car up   
and pointing to the Moldy Helicopters Apartment building.   
"Finally home!" said Jim happily.   
"I'll drive you to wherever it is you're headed tomorrow   
morning." said Gene, as they all began ascending the steps. "You can   
stay with us   
tonight though."   
"Cool! Thanks man!" said Dave, high fiving Gene. Gene began   
unlocking the door.   
"Weird...the lights are on." said Aisha, noticing the light   
streaming out from behind the curtain-covered windows.   
"Jim, you asshole. I told you to shut the lights off before   
we left." said Gene, struggling with the lock.   
"I did! I even double checked!" said Jim.   
"Ah well, it's water under the bridge now." said Gene   
happily, opening the door. "Ahhh, home sweet ho-" Everyone stared at   
the sight in the   
room.   
"Oh my god!" yelled Aisha, covering her eyes.   
"Woohoo!" said Gene, snapping a picture.   
"Holy shit!" yelled Suzuka, jumping off the bed and standing   
up. "Put some clothes on! Put some clothes on!"   
"Wh-what the hell? Who are those guys?" asked Hitoriga shakily.   
"My roomates!" said Suzuka frantically. "Gah! You guys, it's   
not what it looks like!"   
"Oh, so you weren't just having deep and lusty sex with   
mister sackhead here?" asked Jim.   
"No. I wasn't." said Suzuka.   
"Yes you were! It was great!" said Hitoriga.   
"Yes! You lie!" said Jim, pointing at her.   
"Suzuka, how COULD you cheat on me?" asked Dave. "How? HOW?"   
"I... I didn't mean to-" said Suzuka.   
"Can you guys leave for a few a little while so me and Suzu   
can finish up?" asked Hitoriga. "Sure, SHE had the time for LOADS of   
orgasms,   
but I got nothing!"   
"Shut the hell up!" said Suzuka. "They do not need to know that!"   
"Yes we do!" said Gene. 

TO BE CONTICUDE! 

---------------- 

Well well well. What a strange and hopefully unexpected   
ending, eh? I think this is one of the best chapters I've written   
yet. I had tons o' fun   
with it.   
Jet: Figures you would derive pleasure from something so   
awful! This was the worst one yet!   
You know what Jet? YOU can leave!   
Jet: You're retarded! exits room in a huff   
Haha. What an ass. Don't worry folks, he'll be back in the   
saddle next week no problemo. Or will he? FIND OUT NEXT TIME! SAME   
PARTYIN' TIME, SAME PARTYIN' CHANNEL! Or maybe not the same time.


	21. The Strongest Woman In The Universe Now,...

Hey guys, what's the corncake? Well, here it is. The chapter I've wanted to do since I started this thing, the Strongest Woman In The Universe chapter. It's my favorite episode of Outlaw Star, and while this chapter isn't my favorite in the series, I sure had fun writing it. Enjoy the chap, folks.

Also, apparently hates dots now. First it was the asterisks, and now they're taking away my precious dots. What's next? So now, instead of having dots separating each scene, you have HUGE OBNOXIOUS "MEANWHILE" things. Don't blame me, it's not my fault.

--------------

"She's a maniac! MANIAC ON THE FLOOOOR!" hummed Jukei, as he, Leilong, and Tobeigera waited outside the Annual Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition Megadome thing on Heiphon.

"Oh, I suspect you think you're the EXPERT on bad 80s songs!" said Leilong. "Let's see you out-80s this one!" He started belting out Spandau Ballet's 'Gold', followed by a marathon of REO Speedwagon and Mr. Big tunes.

"That was...painful. I concede defeat." said Jukei. "I didn't know the 80s could cause such...sorrow."

"Indeed they can. Just the thought of the 80s sends many strong and powerful men into convulsions." said Leilong. "You haven't even heard the worst of it. I didn't even TOUCH on Mister Mister and Night Ranger!"

"I'll take your word for it." said Jukei. He sighed and looked at the large looming building behind them. "Why isn't there a Strongest Men In The Universe Competition?"

"Because no one cares about guys fighting." said Leilong. "The Strongest Women In The Universe thingy is as close to catfighting as most men will ever witness, and therein lies it's popularity."

"Makes sense to me." said Jukei. "So all 3 of the girls are entering this year?"

"Well, Iraga isn't there, but it's pretty much a given that she's going to give it another go again." Leilong sighed. "It's not like she has anything else going for her, the poor malformed monstrosity."

"Yeah, I indeed feel pity for her." said Jukei.

"Okay, I've got a brand new cool joke for you guys." said Tobeigera. "I spent all night thinking of this."

"No. Be quiet." said Leilong.

"Come on, it's really something special!" said Tobeigera. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it! How do billboards talk?"

"I dunno, how DO billboards talk?" asked Jukei.

"Retard, don't encourage him!" said Leilong.

"SIGN LANGUAGE!" yelled Tobeigera. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

".....I'm going to kill you while you sleep tonight." said Leilong.

"C'mon, I didn't think that one was too bad." said Jukei with a chuckle.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!" yelled Leilong, enraged.

Hazanko exited the building and walked over to them. "Hey dudes. What's poppin?" he asked.

"Uh, not a lot." said Leilong. "So where are the girls?"

"They're inside getting their physicals." said Hazanko. Leilong opened his mouth to say something, but Hazanko said: "And before you ask, Yes, I put a hidden camera in the exam room." Leilong closed his mouth and looked pleased.

"So what do you think their chances are of succeeding and winning the title?" asked Jukei.

"Pretty slim." said Hazanko, making a zero with his thumb and pointer finger. "It's really all Iraga. I trust that she'll be able to WIN THE TITLE FOR THE GLORIOUS 108 SUNS!"

"Hope you're right." said Tobeigera. "Where is that old Iraga, anyway?"

"Dunno, she left as soon as we landed here." said Hazanko. "Said she had some business to attend to, whatever that means."

"I BET SHE'S A DRUG DEALER!" yelled Jukei at the top of his lungs.

"...Why did you yell that?" asked Hazanko, looking around and seeing all the people on the streets staring at them.

"I thought it would add to the impact of the moment." said Jukei meekly.

MEANWHILE!

"Ah, just smell that sweet air." said Hilda, taking a deep breath. "No space system like Heiphon for sort of not-polluted air, that's for sure!"

"I liked Blue Heaven's atmosphere more." complained Harry. Hilda, Harry, Ron, and Melfina were walking along the busy streets of Heiphon, not really sure what they were doing.

"Shut up Harry, it's not scientifically possible for Blue Heaven to have an atmosphere. Being an asteroid, it doesn't have nearly the gravitational pull to hold down a thin layer of oxygen, much less an entire city." said Ron.

"...So why does it have oxygen on it? And cities?" asked Harry.

"It's either some kind of artificial gravity, or just bad writing." said Ron. "But nevertheless, what the heck are we doing walking around, Hilda? Aren't you and Horus supposed to be getting (shudder) married?"

"Don't think I didn't notice that shudder." said Hilda. "And yes, but first I need to find a nice pretty bridal gown. With lots of lace."

"Uh huh. And a spaceship sized tux?" asked Melfina.

"...Yeah, I guess so." said Hilda. "Where do you think I could find something like that?"

Melfina decided not to answer the question, and instead opted to read a flyer posted on a wall nearby. "Wow Hilda, the Strongest Woman In The Universe competition takes place tomorrow! If you want to enter you'd better do it now."

"Good thing I don't wanna enter." said Hilda.

"Come on, you HAVE to!" whined Melfina, hugging Hilda really tightly. "PLEEEEASE! PLEASE!"

"Well, how could I say no to such a pretty face?" said Hilda seductively. "Shall I go sign up now?"

"Yay!" said Melfina, hopping up and down.

"I only will if you go out to dinner with me!" said Hilda.

"'Kay!" said Melfina quickly, not really comprehending the question until after she answered. "Wait, no. No."

"Too late! Dinner with Melfina for me!" said Hilda, pumping a fist in the air in triumph.

"Isn't Horus going to be mad if he finds out you're taking Melfina to dinner?" asked Harry.

"Nah, he'll be ecstatic!" said Hilda. "We've been looking for a threesome partner for quite some time now!"

Everyone stared at her. "Ew." said Melfina.

"Well, here we are!" said Hilda happily, coming to a stop in front of the huge Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition Megadome. "Be back in a few minutes!"

"Who are you talking to? We're coming in with you." said Ron.

"Oh, right." said Hilda. They entered the front doors and walked up to the registration desk.

"Name?" asked the woman.

"Hilda, Hot Ice." said Hilda.

"Weight?" she asked, jotting down stuff on a form.

"I don't know." said Hilda.

"Okay then. You're in. Welcome to the Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition." the woman said robotically, shaking her hand without taking her eyes off the form she was writing out. "Here's your hat." She handed Hilda a hat that said 'I'M A HAT! WOOHOO FOR COMPETITIONS!' on it.

"Nifty." said Hilda, putting her hat on and turning it to the side so it looked all gangsta. She turned to Ron and flashed a complicated hand symbol. "Yo." She turned to Harry and Melfina and did the same to each of them.

"Hilda, I keep thinking there's no way I could possibly hate you more, but you keep surprising me." said Ron.

MEANWHILE; THIS IS GETTING OBNOXIOUS

"Ugh, I can't believe the nerve of you, Suzuka." said Gene.

"Having sex with mister sackhead! And why'd you have to go and use MY bed! I bet now all my sheets are soaked through with your essence! Where do you get the nerve to-" He paused and thought about what he was saying. "Actually, that's a pretty good thing. Jim, my bedsheets are never to be washed again."

"Duly noted." said Jim.

"Look, I said I was sorry." said Suzuka. "Besides, it's not like I'd object if you had some GIRL over while I wasn't here."

"That's different." said Aisha. "GENE isn't already in a relationship with DAVE THE SUNGLASSES GUY, unlike some people I know! Wow, that gave me a neat idea for a yaoi fanfic!" She left the room.

"I was going to let Dave stay here, but he ran off." said Gene. "He's probably all alone somewhere now, and it's all your fault!"

"Can I leave now?" asked Hitoriga.

"What? I thought you were already gone!" said Gene. "Get outta here, homewrecker!" He dropkicked Hitoriga out the window.

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it." said Gene calmly, walking over to the door.

"I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT!" yelled Suzuka, running over and opening it.

"Hey there. I'm the landlord." said the landlord, a tall fat guy with a handlebar moustache, standing in front of them. "You guys are gone."

"What?" asked Gene, appearing behind Suzuka.

"You're gone. You're out of here. That's the last time I'm going to let you guys miss your rent payment." said the landlord.

"Wait, we're supposed to be paying RENT for this place?" asked Suzuka.

"It's news to me." shrugged Gene.

"And it's not just the rent! Just about every night I get complaints from the other tenants about the noise! Especially last night! What were you guys doing, tornado imitations?" He chuckled at his lame joke.

"No, just WILD WILD sex." said Suzuka.

"Ah. Eh. I see." said the landlord. "Well, uh. Be packed by noon so you can clear out of here in time for the rush."

"What rush?" asked Gene.

"There's going to be a lot of people in townon their way to theStrongest Woman In The Universe competition." explained the landlord.

"I need as many free rooms as possi-" but then a hole punched through the roof and Aisha fell out, flattening Gene. She picked up the landlord by the collar and started shaking him.

"WHERE! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?" yelled Aisha.

"D-Down at the Megadome on Heiphon! Y-you'd better hurry, the thing starts tomorr-" But before he could finish Aisha tossed him aside and tore down the road towards the Megadome.

"Ah, I can see she's really excited by this." sighed Suzuka.

Aisha ran back at top speed. "SUZU! Aren't you coming?"

"No, I don't have any interest in this competitio-" started Suzuka.

"WELL THEN WE'D BETTER HURRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING AROUND WHEN WE SHOULD BE RUNNING?!" yelled Aisha, running off again but dragging Suzuka behind her. Then she ran back for a second time, looking disappointed.

"We're on Blue Heaven, aren't we?"

"Yep." said Jim.

"Not Heiphon." said Aisha.

"Nope." said Jim.

"WE'VE GOTTA CHANGE THAT!" yelled Aisha. "WHERE'S OUR SHIP, I'M GONNA FIX IT!"

"No need for that, I'll handle your transportation." said a familiar voice behind them.

Aisha whirled around. "Hey, it's you! Long time no see!"

MEANWHILE

"What's on TV now?" asked Leilong, brushing some trash off the couch so he could sit down next to Jukei, who had the TV remote shoved in the mouth slot of his mask.

"Music videos." said Jukei, clicking through the channels. "That's all that's ever on nowadays. And football."

"Time for a video?" asked Leilong.

"Definitely." said Jukei. "I took the time to personally select today's bit of viewing pleasure." He popped a cassette into the VCR and immediately Hamushi's showering image filled the screen.

"Ah, from the Goodly's Mouisturizer era." commented Leilong. "Very nice."

"You know, we're huge losers aren't we?" said Jukei. "Here we are, ogling some stupid video when we could be on dates and stuff."

"Nah, it's not as bad as you make it out to be." said Leilong. "Besides, it's not as though we're cool enough to go on dates anyway. I mean, just look at us. And Hitoriga. He has a sack on his head. We're lightyears ahead of that guy in babeatude, but we're still better off not trying."

Suddenly the phone rang. "Hello?" asked Leilong.

"Pick up the phone first." said Jukei.

"Oh. Oh yeah." said Leilong, picking up the phone. "Hello?"

"DUDES! DUDES! DUDES!" yelled Hitoriga.

"Hitoriga? Is that really you?" asked Leilong. "Where the hell are you, dude? We're on Heiphon!"

"DUDE! I JUST DID TWILIGHT SUZUKA! THE HOTTEST MEGABABE ASSASSIN CHICK IN THE UNIVERSE!" yelled Hitoriga. "THIS IS SO COOL! I HAVE TO BE THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE UNIVERSE! NOW I KNOW THAT EVEN SACKHEADS LIKE ME CAN BE SUCCESSFUL WITH THE LADIES!" Leilong stared at the reciever.

"Hello? Leilong? You there?" asked Hitoriga.

Leilong hung up. "Did you hear that?" he asked.

"Yeah." said Jukei.

"I'll assist in your suicide if you assist mine." said Leilong.

"Sounds good." said Jukei. But then, the doorbell rang.

"What's the point of answering?" sighed Leilong. "It's probably some HUGELY hot girl who's totally out of our league." he said sadly.

Jukei hopped over and opened the door with his teeth. Standing there was a gorgeous woman, thin with long red hair, beautiful curves and whatnot. She was insanely hot.

"Hi there!" she said happily.

"What are you doing here, gorgeous and out-of-our-league girl?" asked Jukei. "This is a top secret spaceship of Tao Pirates Inc. and you're not allowed to be here."

"Yeah I am. I'm a Tao Pirate." said the gorgeous woman.

"You are not! You're a lovely and innocent superbabe who has sprung from my dreams and into reality, and now taunts me with your existence!" said Jukei.

"Yeah, but I'm also a Tao pirate." she said. "It's me. Iraga."

"What. No. You aren't." said Leilong.

"Yeah I am." said Iraga.

"Did you die and get your soul transplanted into a nubile young woman?" asked Jukei.

"No, I have been plastic surgeried." said Iraga. "My muscles have been reduced, my face has been shaped, my jawline sanded down, my curves enlarged, my boobs made noticeably bigger. I'm the perfect, most gorgeous woman alive now."

"I don't argue that...but...You just can't be. You've gone from looking like Ygor from the Frankenstien movies to looking like Naru from Love Hina. That kind of change is impossible." said Jukei.

"Oh, it's very possible." said Iraga. "They even removed part of my spine to make me shorter!"

"Where did you get the cash for that kind of intense surgery?" asked Leilong.

"I emptied my Strongest Woman In The Universe fund." she said simply. "I think it was a MUCH better value."

"Yesss..." said Jukei, checking out her ass. He shook his head rapidly. "Wait! Does that mean you're not entering!?"

"Yeah, I suppose it does!" she giggled. "Besides, it's not like I'd do very good in the competition now anyway!" she laughed to herself. "I doubt this new body can even benchpress 1000 pounds!"

"...You're not entering." said Hazanko, entering the room.

"That's right, boss! Not entering!" said Iraga.

"But I already sent in registration slips for you three! What am I gonna do?" asked Hazanko.

"Obviously, we need a replacement girl." said Leilong. "But who?"

"Guys, where do we keep the leg-hair trimmer?" asked Tobeigera, entering the room. "I'm getting fuzzy!" He stopped. "Why's everyone looking at me?"

MEANWHILE

"Long time no see indeed, Party Ship crew." said Ninja Monkey Ya Hoo Hah.

"Dude, how's it going?" asked Suzuka. "Let's do the handshake! Remember the handshake?"

"How could I forget?" asked Ninja Monkey, and they began doing some insanely scary hand thing that was super complex. "Ah, that was great. But I'm not here for mere pleasantries, I'm here on business."

"What kind of business?" asked Gene.

"I see you're in need of a ship." he said. "Well, I'll fly you to Heiphon, on the condition that Aisha and Suzuka enter the competition."

"That's it? Pretty neat." said Gene. "We'll do it."

"Hang on, it get's better." he said. "If you win, then I get all the winnings."

"Wait, that sucks. Forget you." said Gene.

"Too bad, you already said you'd do it." said Ninja Monkey. He led them outside. "Now climb aboard, we're off to Heiphon!" They got on board Ninja Monkey's spaceship (which was shaped like a giant Bumblebee), and took off.

"So, how's the Arby's Mitten doing?" asked Aisha.

"Still making shitty commercials, still saving the universe." said Ninja Monkey, in a same-old same-old kind of way. "I don't see how someone can do so much good for the universe....and yet cause so much pain."

"We may never know the true feelings of someone so great as the Arby's Mitten." said Aisha solemnly.

"It's so true." said Ninja Monkey.

.............THE NEXT DAY

The sun was shining, the mold was growing underneath the bleachers, and the terrorist-fighting helicopters were flying overhead. It was a perfect day for a glorified catfighting fest, no matter WHAT people wanted to call it. The ladies were backstage in the competition's locker room and conversing about stuff. And of course, getting naked. As if I would forget that.

"Ooooh, who does your hair?" giggled Hamushi.

"Vegeta." said Valeria.

"Is that like Supercuts?" wondered Hamushi.

"Valeria? Is that really you?" asked Suzuka, walking over to her. "We met once."

"We have?" asked Valeria, boredly looking at Suzuka.

"Yeah! Can you still do that KUNG FU like you used to?" asked Suzuka.

"Um. I never knew kung fu." said Valeria.

"I must be thinking of someone else then!" said Suzuka, insanely happily about it for no real reason.

"Ah, excuse me ma'am, but are you having trouble with your costume?" asked some young woman.

"N-no!" stuttered Ms. Tobeigeretta, standing up really quickly and taking his hands off the heels he was clumsily trying to squeeze into. "I-I'm fine!"

"Are you sure?" asked the woman with a giggle. "I could adjust your bra if you asked nicely enough."

"Um." said Ms. Tobeigeretta. "No, no I'm fine."

"Aw, c'mon! You know you want it!" said the woman.

"I do not!" said Ms. Tobeigeretta.

"Well then...Can we make out after the competition?" asked the woman.

"AAAAH! AAAH!" yelled Ms. Tobeigeretta, hitting her with his purse and running away.

"Owww..." said the woman, rubbing their head. She looked excited and stood up. "Ms. Aisha, you're done putting on your sexy skintight costume? Want me feel and touch every inch of it, checking for wrinkles?"

"God dammit, Susan. Be quiet. Speak no more." said Aisha.

"Hmmm... I know! I'll lick every inch of it, my tongue would be too busy to say anything!" said Susan excitedly, approaching Aisha.

"Susan, you're grossing us out." said Suzuka. "We've had just about enough of you."

"Aw, Suzu! You look so cute when you get angry!" giggled Susan, throwing her arms around Suzuka. "Let's make out."

"AAAAH! GET HER OFF! GET HER OFF!" yelled Suzuka, trying to pry Susan off as she began taking off Suzuka's clothes.

"Susan, get off Suzuka right now!" demanded Hilda, grabbing Susan from behind and trying to pull her off.

"Getting rough, eh Hilda?" said Susan seductively. "You know I like that!"

"That does it. Susan, you're not my friend anymore." said Aisha.

"Mine either." said Suzuka.

"Nooooo!" cried Susan, falling to the ground and crying.

MEANWHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome one and all to the Annual Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition!" said Gene, who they hired to do the announcing for the competition. "These ladies are going to fight and beat the hell out of each other, and if you look closely you might see some gropeage! Ain't that right, Suzuka?" Suzuka through her shoe at the announcers box, but came up short and hit a guy in the audience. "Let's meet our babealicious competitors! First up, we have Twilight Suzuka, Wanted assassin with a taste for Ctarl boobies!"

Suzuka waved to the policemen whispering to each other and aiming sniper rifles at her.

"Second, we have Aisha, A Ctarl warrior who isn't afraid to wear clothes that show a LOT of cleavage!" Aisha struck a pose. "Then there's Hilda, one-eyed warrior who-WHAT?! HILDA?! How did you...OH HILDA I LOVE YOU!" Everyone in the audience stared quietly at the announcers box.

"Uh, sorry." said Gene. "Anyways, then we have Hamushi! She's kinda hot I guess...Is she bald under her helmet or something? Thatwould be sick."

"Why do people always spread rumors about my helmet?" wondered Hamushi.

"And next, we have Tobeigeretta." said Gene. "I don't care what Jim says, she's insanely hot. Nice, womanly curves. Probably the most totally feminine girl out there."

"W-womanly curves? Feminine?" asked Tobeigeretta worriedly.

"Then there's Hanmyo! She's like 9 or 10 years old, but she has potential for babeatude. And also we have Valeria, utter babe with the lame Dragon Ball Z haircut!"

"Go for it, my sweet!" giggled Duuz from somewhere in the audience.

"And finally we have Susan, who-" said Gene, as Susan began cartwheeling everywhere and hugging random people. "...I don't really know who Susan is. Wow...there's a lot of girls participating in this thing. Look at all the names on this list. Ah well, the rest aren't important! Lets get this thing underway!" The audience let out a huge cheer. There was silence as one lone figure walked out onto the field.

"Wait, wait a second...we have a surprise last minute entries from...Reiko Ando, former reigning champ 4 years running, and back to reclaim the title!"

"I will fulfill my promise to you, Fred my dear!" she said into a microphone.

Somewhere Fred, watching the live coverage on TV said: "GOD DAMMIT."

"Well let's get this thing started! Battle 1: Hanmyo vs. Hilda!" yelled Gene.

"Break a leg, Hilda!" cheered Melfina from beside the wrestling ring.

"Break a leg, Hilda!" hissed Jukei, also beside the ring.

"Alright ladies, lets keep this a clean fight." said the referree, a man who looked suspiciously like Harrison Ford. "No kidney punches, eye gouging, or purple nurples."

"...Sick." said Hilda.

"Yes, exactly." said Not-Quite-Harrison-Ford. "1, 2, 3, SNUGGLE! I mean, fight."

"Wait...does Hanmyo even know how to fight?" asked Leilong.

"It's very possible." said Hazanko.

"HIIIIIYAH!" yelled Hilda, doing some judo kicks.

"Have some of this!" yelled Hanmyo, tripping Hilda and knee dropping her.

"Holy crap!" yelled Ron.

"Ow! Ow!" yelled Hilda, as Hanmyo repeatedly kicked her face.

"You're in a supermarket!" declared Hanmyo, stopping her attacks.

"I am?" asked Hilda.

"Yes! Have a free sample of PAIN!" yelled Hanmyo triumphantly, kicking her in the face again, then picking her up and throwing her out of the ring.

"Hanmyo wins!" declared the referee, raising Hanmyo's hand in the air. He had to bend over to accomplish this because Hanmyo was so small.

"...Holy ass. Maybe we don't need Iraga." said Hazanko.

"That was painful to watch." said Harry.

"That was painful to experience." moaned Hilda. "I...I can't feel my legs!"

"Why not?" asked Ron.

"Oh wait, yes I can." said Hilda. "False alarm."

LATE! ER!

"Battle 8: Susan vs. Reiko." said Gene boredly. "This battle will conclude the first round of the tournament, and then it's break time for me! Yip yip yip!"

"Alright ladies. Clean fight. Harrison Ford. Kidney. Blah blah blah." said the referee. "1, 2, 3, GROPE! Fight. Onetwothree fight."

Susan stepped back. "But I don't wanna grope her! She's gross!"

"I am not! I'm just masculine!" said Reiko.

"Exactly! Keep away from me!" shouted Susan, running around in circles in the ring with Reiko chasing her.

"...This is pathetic." said Jim, from the sidelines.

Suddenly Susan dropped to the ground. Reiko, unable to stop her momentum, tripped over her and fell to the ground. "Haha! You fell for my tripping scheme!" said Susan triumphantly.

"Good job, now kick her!" said Suzuka, on the sidelines.

"What!?" yelped Susan.

"One trip isn't going to take her down! Kick her!" said Suzuka.

"But that's so violent!" said Susan. "I don't want to hurt her!"

"Why did you join this contest again?" asked Suzuka blankly.

"The sweatiness! The girls! The rubbing!" said Susan.

"Oh yeah." said Suzuka.

"Can I rub you, Suzuka?" asked Susan politely.

"Finish your fight, you lunatic!" said Suzuka.

"I...okay." said Susan. She grabbed Reiko's wrist and pulled her out of the ring.

"Susan wins!" declared the fuzzy referree. "I'm not fuzzy."

"Wooo! Yay!" said Susan happily, pulling Suzuka in for a victory kiss.

"AAAH!" yelled Suzuka, slapping her and running away.

KEVIN! I mean, LATER!

"I need coffee." said Gene.

"Back off, this is for STAFF only!" said a guy working for the competition, guarding the coffee machine.

"I am staff!" said Gene. "Kind of. I do the announcing and stuff."

"SURE you do." said the guy.

"I'm serious!" said Gene. He whipped out his caster. "But we don't have no time fo' arguing!" He pulled the trigger and sent a huge evil beam of red light into the guy's soul, tearing him apart from the inside out.

"And in the end, Gene GETS the coffee he so rightly deserves!" said Gene evilly, reveling in the gore and bits of staff member splattered all over the walls. He walked over and fixed himself a cup of coffee. "Yesssss...This coffee is goooood. My lovely coffee. YOU BLEED FOR COFFEE!"

DISTURBING INTERMISSION COMPLETE!

"AND WE'RE BAAAAAACK!" yelled Gene! "We've barely started this competition, and we've already seen some great battles! There are only 8 of these gorgeous, sexually ambiguous women left as we enter round 2, and the excitement eez at de fever pitch!"

"Ambiguous?" said Suzuka, twitching with anger.

"AMBUGATON!" yelled Aisha.

"The remaining girls are as follows: Aisha! Suzuka! Susan! Hanmyo! Tobeigeretta! Hamushi! Valeria! And some other girl!" said Gene, to much applause. "Battle one: Suzuka! Versus! Tobeigeretta!" yelled Gene. "And now, the pump up music!"

"Pump up music?" wondered Suzuka, climbing into the ring with Tobeigeretta. Survivor's classic tune 'Eye Of The Tiger' began playing.

"Oh....no." said Tobeigera.

"DAN! DANDANDAN!" hummed Suzuka, getting pumped up.

"Shitty 80s music...overpowering...." moaned Tobeigera. "Strength...draining."

"Eye of the ti-ger, it's the thrill of the fight!" sang Suzuka, rippling with strength.

"She, she can focus and bend the shittiness to use to her advantage!" said Tobeigera. "Not human! NOT HUMAN!"

"Hiiiiyaaaah!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword, her eyes glowing an eerie pump-up induced green.

"Hey! HEY!" yelled the referee, grabbing the sword out of her hands. "You can't use weapons, this is a barehanded fight! Like Tekken!"

"Yoshimitsu has a sword in Tekken." Suzuka pointed out, reaching for her sword.

"Yoshimitsu is a cheap character and you know it." said the ref. "No sword for you."

"Okay, okay." said Suzuka.

"Does that mean I can't use my hand blade things?" asked Tobeigeretta.

"Yeah it does!" said the ref incredulously, snatching them away. "Didn't you guys read the rulebook? Man, I was WONDERING where all those stab wounds on the first round competitors came from!"

"This fight is gonna suck." said Suzuka.

"Ready, set, GO!" yelled ref.

Suzuka's mind raced to remember her training in her ninja clan. There was a lesson that specifically dealed with combat if one is separated from their weapon. Ah yes. Make up complicated names for simple punches to intimidate the opponent into thinking you know what you're doing.

"CRIMSON PHOENIX BLAZING HORIZON SWORDLESS FIST!" yelled Suzuka, running at Tobeigeretta stupidly with her fist raised in the air.

"Eeek! She really knows what she's doing!" said Tobeigeretta. Suzuka punched him. "That didn't really hurt, but hot damn the name was cool!" said Tobeigeretta, falling to the ground.

"Fight back, you fine tuned turd!" said Hazanko, throwing a beer can at Tobeigera's head.

"Ouchbiscuits!" said Tobeigera, standing back up and readying his fists.

"FRANKIE VALLI AND THE FOUR SEASONS KICK!" yelled Suzuka, kicking Tobeigera.

"AGH! That band's awesome! The pain!" moaned Tobeigera.

"...This is seriously the worst fight in this competition's history." said the ref. "Because I, like everyone else forced to watch this, want it to end I declare SUZUKA the winner!"

"Yes! YESSSS!" cheered Suzuka happily, buying a pair of tap shoes from a passing tap shoe vendor, putting them on, and dancing around.

"This is the worst day ever!" moaned Tobeigeretta. "Can I at least have my trusty hand blades back, passed down through the family for generations?"

"What? Oh, those. Yeah, I burned them." said the ref cheerfully.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Tobeigeretta, reaching out to the heavens in anguish.

TATER CIRCLES? OR MEANWHILE? THE TIME FOR DECIDING IS NOOOOOWWWW!

"And Susan finally finishes off Valeria with a very enjoyable looking makeout! Look at that form! Look at that poise!" remarked Gene. "Looks like she just doesn't want this match to end!"

"Alright, get off her now." said the ref.

"Please...just five more minutes." said Susan, coming up for air.

"No. Quit molesting her unconcious body and accept the fact that you won." said the ref.

"Unconcious...Oh my god! Th-that's just like necrophilia!" stuttered Susan. "I can't believe I just did that! I feel so dirty!"

"Yes, so pleas-" started the ref, but he was cut off when Susan began making out with her sort of corpse again. "Oh, sick! Get off her, you lunatic!"

"No! I'm doing this for love!" said Susan. "And a closet necrophilia fetish I've been hiding for years."

"No you aren't!" said Duuz, coming down out of the stands.

"Uh oh." said Jim from nearby.

"OUTTA THE WAY!" yelled Duuz, shoving a ton of people out of his way and giving them concussions. He picked up Susan with one hand, holding her by the top of her head. "What. Are. You. Doing."

"Um, making out with the girly over there." said Susan. "Why, you got a problem, Nemanthus Gregarius breath?"

"Why you little...Wait, what?" asked Duuz.

"Nemanthus Gregarius. It's a prehistoric plant that existed around the same time as the Triceratops, and is believed to be their main source of food-AGH!" explained Susan, whom Duuz quickly began shaking around by her head.

"You're ticking me off!" said Duuz retardedly. "First you make out with my wife, then you insult my awesome Saurianyness! You will pay!"

"Ah, that's your wife eh?" said Susan. "Man, she could do a lot better than you!"

"Do you want to die that badly, Susan?" asked Suzuka with awe.

"Psh. You exaggerate, Suzuka my sweet." said Susan. "UglyDumbassMcWeird here wouldn't lay a finger on me."

"MY LAST NAME ISN'T MCWEIRD!" yelled Duuz with rage, crushing her head like a grapefruit in his hand. A really hard grapefruit. "RRrrrrgh. Aaaargh! What the hell is wrong with your head, it's like rock hard!"

"Yeah, it's pretty tough all right." said Susan happily.

"Since I can't crush your head like a grapefruit, I'll let you go." said Duuz. "But if I ever see you again, well, let's just say your feet had better be as tough as your head is!" He laughed evilly and walked away with Valeria slung over his shoulder.

"I sure showed that guy!" laughed Susan.

"And with that, round two comes to a close!" said Gene. "We will be moving on to round three in a moment, after this brief message from our spo-" someone off set handed him a piece of paper. "Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be skipping round 3 and going straight to the final round because JHeman is a lazy asshole. Repeat. JHeman is a lazy asshole. Let's return to the ring, where Aisha and Suzuka are getting ready to start the championship deciding match!"

"Hey, what happened to me?" demanded Hanmyo.

"Forget you." said Gene.

"This is great!" chuckled Ninja Monkey Yah Hoo Hah from somewhere in the audience. "I didn't think they'd both get to the final round! Now I'm guaranteed a bunch of money!"

"Alright. ONE TWO FIGHT!" yelled the ref, smacking together some coconut shells.

"I never thought...that it would come to this." said Suzuka dramatically.

"That's all lies. You knew perfectly well that bugs were fuzzy. You just never acted on it. And look at poor little Billy, now he has to pay for your mistake." said Aisha.

"I know. I know." said Suzuka shaking her head. "I know the Aegean Sea borders Greece. Just hear me out."

"There's nothing to discuss, Suzuka." said Aisha. "You've hurt me. You've hurt Ben. You've hurt Phil and Dan and Ted and Lilian and everyone else in the choir. And yet...I still can't bring myself to hurt you. I regret being so weak, but it is how I feel."

"This is really dramatic." commented Gene.

"Aisha...What do you mean?" asked Suzuka.

"I mean, I'm throwing the competition. No matter how much you've hurt me and my friends, I could never raise a hand to harm you. I'm sorry." said Aisha.

"HIIIYAAAH!" yelled Hanmyo and Susan, jumping into the ring. "Me and Susan here are going to beat you both and take the title for ourselves!"

"Oh my god!" said Gene. "How surprising and totally not scripted! Wrestling isn't fake, I swear!"

"Quiet you, this isn't scripted!" said Susan. "We're not gonna sit back and just get written off like that due to JHeman's laziness, that's pathetic! We're tag teaming you both, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Uh oh." said Ninja Monkey.

"So what do we do?" asked Suzuka.

"WE TAKE THEM DOWN, LIKE ANY OTHER ROMANTIC COUPLE WOULD!" yelled Aisha.

"What? No." said Suzuka.

"I'm just going along with the dramatic moment, deal with it." said Aisha. And they began to fight. It was the coolest and awesomest battle of all time. There was kicking, punching, and even a bit of lesbianing (Suzuka grabbed Aisha's ass when she thought no one was looking. She was curious. Jet got it on tape though). When the dust settled, only two remained...and they were....

TO BE CONTINUED! DAH DAH DAH DAH!

Just kidding, it was actually Suzuka and Aisha.

"WOOOOOOOT!" yelled Ninja Monkey, jumping up in the air and clicking his heels together.

THE NEXT DAY. SUNNY. PARTLY CLOUDY. WITH A CHANCE OF APPLEBICUITS....

"So there you go, Ninja Monkey." said Suzuka, handing him their 1,000,000 dollar prize for winning. It was the day after the victory, and a day after the media circus and award ceremonies. They had to change a lot of rules to let two women win. "All our hard earned cash. I hope you're damn proud of yourself."

"Oh, I am." said Ninja Monkey. He handed them half the money. "It's only fair that you get this. That ought to be enough to pay for your ship's repairs with a good sum left over. Spend it wisely."

"But what are you gonna use your money for?" asked Gene.

"This will go into funding my neverending quest to end Kick Pow Smack Poof's reign of tyranny." said Ninja Monkey.

"Him? He's back?" asked Aisha.

"Yes, he's stirring up quite a bit of trouble all over the universe. Me and the mitten have a plan though to stop him once and for all." said Ninja Monkey. He indicated his bag of cash. "And this should just about cover it. Thank you all. I'll take you back to Blue Heaven now to get started on your repairs."

WHILEMEAN

"Hello? Hello? WHERE AM I? WHERE AM IIIIIIII?!" moaned Hitoriga, lost and alone in the streets of Blue Heaven, with all of his friends and team lightyears and lightyears away.

-----------------

AND IT'S OVER! You may or may not have noticed that the format troubles I've been having with this fic are finally pretty much fixed. Thank you all for your patience in this matter. Hopefully it's all behind us now, righty? Hopefully the meanwhiles won't get too annoying. Until next time, readers, bleeders, and frequent breeders...

Jet: That was really stupid. Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourself. "Bleeders." What the fuck is up with that?

Be quiet. You are SO not part of it.

Jet: Part of what? Your dumb thing?! LOLOLOL!

I hate you so much. Anyway pals, see ya next time!


	22. GUBBY RUBBY HOEDOWN

Well, here's a chaptah. Morble. Chapter 22 already. Good gravy, it seems like only yesterday I was writing shitty Pokemon fanfics and taking siestas in the sun. More on that later. But for now, enjoy the heck out of another chapter of my favorite fanfiction in the whole wide world.

Jet: Oh, and a very merry christmas from all us here at the Party Ship!

Jesus christ Jet, and you say I'M corny. The most partyin' story in the galazy, ladies and gentlemen. Right here.

Jet: Grrrr...

Anyways everyone, this chapter is pretty raunchy and disgusting. If you are offended easily, read it anyway because this chapter is funny. But don't say I didn't warn you.

----------------

"Hey Jim, can you hand me that wrench?" asked Gene.

"No. I'm busy." said Jim, watching a Starcraft 2 trailer on his PC. Yes, it still isn't out yet, even 1000 years in the future.

"What. Did. You. Say." said Gene.

"I said no. Get your own stupid wrench." said Jim

Gene climbed down from the Party Ship's engine and ran over to Jim, picking him up by the collar and shaking him. "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE FUCKING WITH?! I AM THE GODDAMN STALLION, MANG! I AM THE STALLION!" He dropped Jim to the floor.

"NOW WHO AM I?"

"You, you are the Stallion." stuttered Jim in terror.

"I am the stallion." agreed Gene. "Now hand me that wrench."

"Yessir." said Jim, handing him a wrench on the floor. Gene inspected it closely, then turned to Jim. "It'll do. Now get outta my sight."

"Uh, k." said Jim, leaving the garage.

"Wait, come back! I need your assistance!" sobbed Gene. "THE STALLION was being sarcastic! Return to the Stallion! Jim! JIIIIM!"

Suzuka entered the garage. "Hey Gene, where the hell are my Everclear albu- Wow, just look at the ship!"

"Yeah, the repairs are really coming along, aren't they?" said Gene proudly, looking up at his handiwork.

"Why didn't you just take it to a repair shop and have a big team of qualified experts repair it instead of doing all the hard work yourself?" asked Suzuka.

"You know, that's a really good question." said Gene. "But oh well, no point in taking it in now that it's almost done."

"Almost done huh?" asked Suzuka. "What do you have left to do on it?"

"Eh, just got some problems with the engine I need to fix up." said Gene. "The stupid thing just won't start."

"Are you putting the keys in backwards again?" asked Suzuka.

"No, I checked that." said Gene, sounding troubled. "I can't think of what else could possibly be wrong with it."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out." said Suzuka. "Anyways, about those Everclear albums you borrowed from me..."

"I know, I know, I've replaced most of them." said Gene.

"What do you mean 'Replaced'?" asked Suzuka, tone of voice rising.

"Oh, I didn't tell you? Well, I kind of lit them on fire. Accidentally. But don't worry, there's only a couple I haven't replaced yet." said Gene. He laughed. "Those autographed out-of-print CDs are really hard to find, aren't they?"

"Hold still, it will make your demise less painful." said Suzuka.

"Eeeeek!" squeaked Gene, trying vainly to escape the fury of.... A WOMAN SCORNED. And her charred and blackened CDs. "I don't see why you care so much, Everclear sucks anyway!"

"Hey gang!" said Aisha, entering the room and dodging one of Suzuka's special attacks. "Guess what? I just scored four tickets for us to go to a hip pre-screening of THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME."

"Which movie?" asked Gene, losing an arm.

"Weekend at Bernies." said Aisha.

"How is that a prescreening?" asked Suzuka, writing obscene remarks about Gene's mother on the walls with his dismembered arm. "That movie's been out for 1247 years."

"This is it's most recent remake." said Aisha confidently. "I'm sure it will be awesome enough to wipe all 290 of it's previous remake disasters from everyone's memory."

"Count me in." said Gene, slowly bleeding to death while Suzuka made smart remarks about his hygeine.

"Me too, I wouldn't miss that for the world!" laughed Suzuka. "Gene, you smell like a camel."

Gene coughed.

MEANWHILE WITH THE GUBBLE

"Alrighty everyone." said Hazanko. "Simmer down, simmer down." He threw a rock at Kahn. "SIMMER, DAMN YOU!"

"Simmer it is." said Kahn, taking his seat. It was a casual and fruity day on board the Geomancer. Hazanko was holding his usual Anten Seven staff meeting to go over developments and whatnot within their team.

"Okay guys. We lost the tournament." said Hazanko. "We poured all our financial reserves into funding the entry fees for three people. We are broke."

"Hey, it's not my fault I lost." said Tobeigera. "They stole my blades."

"We've all heard that 'I was defenseless!' arguement a million times Tobeigera, and frankly we're getting sick of it." said Hazanko. "With this latest financial crisis we are embedded in, we are going to have to cut the Humor section from the Anten Seven newsletter to save on printing costs."

Everyone gasped.

"And I'm afraid that's not the worst of it." said Hazanko sadly. "We will no longer be able to support the water cooler's maintenance costs anymore, so it has to go."

Leilong jumped up. "That's ridiculous! The water cooler has to be cleaned like once a month, and that's it! That's what, a penny?"

"We don't have any pennies to support it." said Hazanko. "Now then, on to article two. Hitoriga is gone. We have no idea where he is. I've posted missing person signs all over the Geomancer's interior. If any of you guys find him hiding under a bed or in a closet somewhere, report to me immediately."

"He's off laying a beautiful assassin babe." said Jukei.

"Really? Fancy that." said Hazanko. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have an update on the Hitoriga situation. He is probably laying a beautiful assassin babe. This should make him easier to spot. Be sure to double check the ship's under-bed areas and closets for naughty activities."

"Uh...I don't think he's on the shi-" said Leilong.

"Alright, onto article three!" said Hazanko. "Iraga is hot now. Iraga, please stand up front here with me."

Iraga stood up next to Hazanko's podium. "Hey guys."

"As you all can see, Iraga is hot." said Hazanko, gesturing towards her. "Check out her knockers. I'd love to kiss the valley between them."

Leilong raised his hand. "Why is her hair red? Why not black? I like black hair! This is the worst day of my life!"

"Leilong, shut up." said Hazanko. "A secret camera will be installed in Iraga's shower by the end of the day."

"Yesssss!" cheered Iraga.

"What about the shitty music that you're always playing over the ships speakers?" asked Leilong. "Isn't that an addressable issue?"

"What shitty music?" asked Hazanko innocently.

"Pump up the jam. Pump up the jam. Pump up the jam, pump it up." sang Jukei.

"Uh, oh yeah. That shitty music." said Hazanko. "The shitty music shall remain until further notice."

"But...But...." moaned Hamushi, as Vanilla Ice started playing over the speakers.

"No buts." said Hazanko. "I like this stuff, it really helps me get my groove on."

"What about some nice, fairly relaxing and hilariously stereotypical lounge music?" asked Kahn.

"I guess I should have expected some criticism from you guys for my taste in music." sighed Hazanko. "Well, from now on it will be nothing but ridicule towards Jukei for his Oasis fandom. Mark my words."

There was an instant uproar of laughter and pointing at Jukei.

"Shut up you guys! They were awesome when they were underground! Hey!" yelled Jukei.

RUBBY GUBBY MEANWHILE

"As embarrassing as that defeat was, we must move on to other matters!" said Hilda in a commanding tone. "There are more pressing issues that MUST be addressed! Grief is for the weak!"

"What kind of other matters?" asked Harry, as they walked up the ramp leading into Horus.

"Why, me and Horus' happy marriage of course!" giggled Hilda, hugging the interior wall of the ship.

"You look gorgeous, dear. Did you succeed in your tournament?" asked Horus.

"Sorry Horus, my little teddy bear." said Hilda. "I lost. You aren't mad at me...are you?"

"Of course not! I'd never be mad at you, baby." said Horus, extending a robot arm from somewhere to embrace her. He sneakily and without being noticed groped her rear.

"Gag. Gag." said Ron. "You guys are awful. Where are your ethics?"

"Ethics are a matter of opinion." said Hilda. "If everyone in the universe followed the stupid ethical law of not killing people, would we have murder? Would we? Of COURSE not. Just try and imagine that. A world without murder. Horrible, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is." said Ron, fearing the future of his career as a space-asshole.

"Yes, so you can see that ethics are crap." said Hilda.

"I guess that kind of makes sense, but still-" said Ron.

"ENOUGH! HORUS, TAKE US TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE FOR OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE!" yelled Hilda.

"Yes, pookie munchkin." said Horus. They launched and within 45 seconds they were at the mayor's office.

"Man, you're fast." complimented Melfina.

"Don't let looks decieve, I'm a lot slower in other...areas." said Horus. "You'd be able to keep up."

"WHOA THERE! THAT WAS OUT OF LINE!" said Ron. "RAUNCHY RAUNCHY!"

"YOU RAUNCHY PIECE OF CRAP! MELFINA'S MY BUDDY!" yelled Harry, kicking Horus' display screen.

"I don't really understand what Horus meant by that, but the Raunchymeter is off the chart!" said Melfina, holding up a complicated piece of machinery with a dial spinning out of control. They stopped being stupid and left the ship. As they entered the mayor's office, they had a really bizzare conversation involving I Love Lucy and a hot tub full of salad dressing. Trust me, it's better if you don't know.

"Sup mayor! I'd like a marriage license!" said Hilda, doing a high kick for no reason.

"Kay." said the mayor. "Who's your husband? Mr. Greenhair over there?" He pointed at Harry.

"ME?! MARRY A GIRL?! EWWWWWW!" yelled Harry, slapping Hilda. "COOTIES COOTIES COOTIES!"

"My mistake." said the mayor calmly. "Where's your husband then, Ms. Eyepatch?"

"Oh, he's parked outside." said Hilda.

There was a long pause. "Ms. Eyepatch, you do realize that Human/Machine marriages are banned throughout the universe, correct?"

"Of course I do." said Hilda. "I just don't see why. We have da love."

"Look, it says right here in the Universally Accepted Thing Of Rules." said the mayor. He pulled a thick book off a bookshelf beside him. "Only marriages between a man and a woman will be recognized as legal. And between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. And a man and a sandwich, in special cases."

"I'd like to marry a sandwich, eat it, then get a divorce." said Harry.

"Harry, shut the hell up. Just...be quiet." sighed Ron.

"No, I'm serious. What kind of special cases are we talking about here?" asked Harry.

"Mr. Greenhair, The meat in the sandwich generally has to be made out of human flesh." said the mayor. "It's closer to a human relationship that way."

"Oh, that should be easy." said Harry. "Ron, how's that babysitter healing?"

"She's still paralyzed from the neck down." said Ron. "Plus we haven't exactly been feeding her, so I doubt there's enough meat on her to suffice for a sandwich."

"Damn!" swore Harry. "Then I suppose I'll need...A NEW DONOR! MUAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHA! HA HA HA! HAR! So how about it, Hilda?"

"No! Get away from me!" yelled Hilda. She turned to the mayor. "Well, if we CAN'T marry, then we're just going to have to do something about it!"

"Like what?" asked Melfina.

"Like....A RALLY." said Hilda with a gleam in her eye.

"Oh dear god." said Ron.

STUBBLE BUBBLE GLUB RUBB MEANWHILE

"Man oh man, thank god for giant stuffed leopards!" said Gene. "That leopard was a true hero! He saved my life, and I would gladly do the same for him!"

"Gotta admit, he did a great job of stitching your arm back on again." said Jim. "What did he say his name was?"

"He didn't give a name. He didn't tell me anything about himself. He just did his duty in stoic silence." said Gene elaborately. "It was powerful and awestriking."

Our favorite bumblebrubs were hanging out in the official Blue Heaven Movie Theater For Cool People. They had just verified their tickets, beat up some guy who was beating Gene at an arcade game in the theater's concession room, and were now in line to buy their snacks.

"I'll have a strange light green liquid. Supersize that." said Aisha to a concession guy.

"Uh, a strange light green liquid? What do you mean?" asked the guy.

"I mean, just get me some random light green liquid. Food color some Snapple if you have to." said Aisha, slamming her fist down on the counter.

"I don't get paid nearly enough to do that." said the guy.

"I'll give you a little... 'tip'." said Aisha with a wink, voice dripping with sensuality.

"GIVE ME LIGHT GREEN STUFF!" yelled the guy instantly to a customer in line behind Aisha. "YOU WILL BE GREATLY REWARDED!"

"Get your own light green stuff." said the customer.

"But...I...alright." said the guy. He turned back to Aisha. "I'm sorry ma'am, but this is going to take a while."

"Oh, okay." said Aisha, leaning against a wall. "No tip for you then."

"N-noooo..." sobbed the guy.

"Hey, I'm still waiting to order here!" yelled Gene, picking the guy up by his collar. "I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T HURRY YOURSELF UP IN GIVING ME MY OVERPRICED MOVIE SNACKS!"

"Eep! Yes sir!" said the guy as Gene put him down. "Now what would you like?"

"Junior Mints. Loads of them." said Gene.

"Uh, how many is 'loads'?" asked the concession guy. Gene whipped out his caster and pointed it at him. "I THINK YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS, MR. MOVIE THING!"

"I want a box of Hot Tamales!" yelled Jim happily.

"WAIT YOUR TURN, JIM!" yelled Gene.

"Darn. Sorry." said Jim.

"Anyways, just give me like 20 boxes of junior mints." said Gene.

"Alright." said the guy, handing Gene his candy.

"Hot. Tamales." said Jim slowly. "I'm not going to repeat myself."

"What? Could you repeat that?" asked the concession guy.

"Sure. I'd like a box of Hot Tamales." said Jim politely.

"Yes sir." said the guy, handing Jim a box of Hot Tamales. "You there! Can I help you?"

"Nah, I'm just begging for cash." said Hitoriga, standing off to the side. "I need enough money to get to Heiphon, fast."

"Pay no attention to him, he doesn't matter." said Suzuka. "Me, I matter. And I want a large root beer."

"I don't believe you, Suzuka! How can you just say I don't matter?" demanded Hitoriga. "You might not want to admit it around your friends, but you genuinely enjoyed spending time with me the other night!"

"No, really. You mean nothing to me." said Suzuka, handing Hitoriga some money. "If it'll keep you out of my life, just take this and catch a flight off to Heiphon to get back with your Anten guys."

"Suzuka, you can't just throw me away!" said Hitoriga. "I'll keep coming back! You can deny it, but you and I were meant to be!"

"Oh. Well if it's not gonna keep you out of my life anyway, can I have my money back?" asked Suzuka.

"Um...no." said Hitoriga, running out the door really fast.

"Crap. That'll show me to try and make a dramatic moment." said Suzuka, looking into her empty wallet. "Gene, you're going to have to pay for my snacks now."

"Forget that. Just give your damn root beer back." said Gene.

"I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that." said the concession guy. "We DO have santitation regulations around here."

"What do you mea- AISHA! QUIT WASHING YOUR FACE IN MY ROOT BEER!" demanded Suzuka.

"I need SOMETHING acidic to get the tree sap out of my hair!" said Aisha.

"That'll be 45 dollars sir." said the concession guy.

"D-damn you all." sobbed Gene, digging into his wallet.

UBBY DUB RUBBY MEANWHILE

"Hello there ma'am. My name's Harry MacDougall and I'd like to lop your head off and use your flesh to make a sandwich." said Harry into a phone.

"Is this a marketing gimmick?" asked a female voice on the other end skeptically.

"No no, I'm serious." said Harry. "There's really nothing I'd like more than to tear off your skin and put your meat on some rye bread with mayo."

"Uh, no thanks. Not interested." said the woman, hanging up.

"DAMMIT!" yelled Harry, slamming down the phone.

"More swear words?!" said Ron frantically. "I'm going to have a talk with your friend Johnny's parents!"

"Sorry Ron, it's not Johnny." said Harry. "I'm just mad! It's almost like there's not a single woman in the city who wants me to make her tender muscle into a sandwich."

"Keep trying Harry, I'm sure there's someone." said Ron.

"Alright you guys, how's this sign look?" asked Hilda, holding up a sign that said END HUMAN/MACHINE TYRANNY!

"Uh, I think it looks great." said Ron. "I like the picture of the woman being pleasured by a robot underneath, while the robot eats a tank."

"Yeah, it took me a while to get the facial expression on the woman to look right." said Hilda. "I wanted to give the impression of pleasure with just the slightest hint of submission. As if to say: 'I don't want this, but it's damn enjoyable anyway.'"

"Well, I'm sure you succeeded." said Ron. "So, you're really going through with this whole rally thing?"

"Yep! All my pals with the National Association for Human Machine Love are going to march with me." said Hilda. "How about this sign? Think one of my friends could hold this up?" She held up a sign that said HATING HUMAN/MACHINE RELATIONSHIPS IS FOR PEOPLE WITH FAT THIGHS.

"Sure, sure Hilda. Whatever." said Ron.

"No, no! I'm not a stalker or a weirdo! I just want to eat your body! Have you been keeping your legs tender?" asked Harry of someone on the phone. "Hello? HELLO?! GOD DAMMIT!"

"HARRY!" said Ron, shocked.

"I wish I didn't have to make all these stupid phone calls! I wish they'd just lift all the restrictions on sandwich marriages so I wouldn't have to cut up ANYONE at all and could just marry a normal sandwich!" whined Harry.

Hilda grabbed him by the shoulders. "HARRY, THAT'S IT!"

"Yes! Self Mutilators Anonymous! I haven't tried calling there yet, I'm sure they'd be willing to let me cut them!" said Harry, snapping his fingers.

"No, I mean you should march with me tomorrow!" said Hilda. "Except we won't make it only a Human/Machine thing, we'll make it an EVERYTHING thing. Anyone who feels opressed sexually can come out and speak their mind. This will be the day that we abolish sexual laws once and for all! Harry, this could be the most important public rally....OF ALL TIME."

"Wow, you mean it?" asked Harry. "I'll call my friend Johnny and ask him if he wants to participate!" Harry picked up the phone and dialed Johnny's number. "It's ringing. Wait, no it isn't. Oh yeah, yeah it is. No. Yes. Yeah, yes. No. Yes."

"Harry, I really think you should start listening to your headphones with the volume turned down a bit, it's ruining your hearing." said Ron.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Never mind." said Ron.

BUB

"Honey, honey...No, stop...the phone's ringing." said Johnny, an early 20 something in bed with some hot lady.

"Let it ring." said the hot lady seductively.

"Sorry dear, it'll only take a second." said Johnny, reaching over to the bedside table and picking up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi there Johnny!" chirped Harry. "What's up?"

"Harry? Ah, I'm doing okay. What's going on?" asked Johnny, as the hot lady started kissing his neck.

"I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my house and plan for a sexual opression march thingy!" said Harry.

"You're doing a march? Sweet." said Johnny. "I'll be right over."

"Really? Man, you were quick to answer." commented Harry.

"Oh, yeah." said Johnny. "I have been known to do some fairly illegal things with love. I'll be over in 15 minutes."

"Okay. See ya in a sec, Johnny!" said Harry happily, hanging up. Johnny turned to his lover. "Sorry mom, but I'm going over to Harry's to plan for a march thing."

"Okay, well be sure to be back in time for dinner. I'm fixing baked potatoes." said Johnny's mom.

"I hate baked potatoes, mom! We're through!" said Johnny.

"If that's how you're gonna be, then here! Have your ring back!" said Johnny's mom, taking her engagement ring off and throwing it at Johnny.

MUBBLE GUBB RUBBY MEANWUBBLE

"Alright everybody, load thineselves upon The Party Ship!" said Gene, stepping back from the engine and wiping sweat off his brow.

"Wow, so you finally got it all fixed up?" asked Aisha.

"Nah, I'm hoping my tinfoil and cherry Robotussin solution to this engine crisis holds up long enough to get us into outer space." said Gene.

"Tinfoil and cherry Robotussin?" asked Suzuka.

"Yep. It's a little known fact that tinfoil and cherry robotussin, when combined, ignite your engine and the resulting blast has enough force to carry your newly destroyed flaming pile of twisted metal to anywhere in the universe." said Gene. "What do you think of that?"

"I think you're insane and should be shot." said Jim.

"Fantastic!" said Gene. "All aboard!" They all worriedly climbed aboard the ship.

"Hi Gene, are we ready to launch?" asked Gilliam.

"Yes sir we are!" said Gene happily. "Let's get going!"

"Alright, launch sequence initiated!" said Gilliam happily. The engines sprung to life and the fancy fancy and newly upholstered dashboard glowed with many pretty colors.

"Wh-What?! Where's...the explosion!? MY GLORIOUS EXPLOSION! WHERE HAVE YOU GONE TO!?" sobbed Gene.

"Oh, I dumped out your suicide mixture and just repaired the ship myself." said Gilliam. "You lunatic bastard."

"WHY?! WHY?! IT WOULD HAVE WORKED!" yelled Gene.

"I know, and that is why I had to stop you." said Gilliam solemnly. "Now take your seat Gene, we are ready for launch."

"Stupid Gilliam...trying to be a badass...mumble grumble...doggies." said Gene angrily to himself, sitting down in the pilots seat and crossing his arms.

"Okay, we are not going anywhere until Gene gives me the CDs he borrowed from me." said Suzuka, standing in front of Gene, arms stretched outwardly.

"You'd have to be outside of the ship if you want standing with your arms out like that to work and make me not go anywhere." said Gene.

"Gah, forget it then." said Suzuka. "Just give me my damn CDs."

"Well, alright." said Gene, pulling a brown paper bag out from under his chair and handing it to her. "I couldn't find the ones I had to replace for you, so I bought the store brand ones."

" 'Phil, the Wal-Mart Sales Manager Sings The Blues.'" read Suzuka off the cover of the first CD.

"Yep, you can buy store brand CDs for way cheaper than normal ones." said Gene. "Check it out, I even got Tina The Hardware Section Queen's latest single in there."

"Oh, I love that song!" said Aisha. She started singing. "Screwdrivers! Thirty per-cent off!"

"Thirty per-cent off! Thirty per-cent off!" sang Jim, supplying the background vocals.

"No! Aisha! Quit singing!" demanded Gilliam.

"He's right! Aisha, your voice isn't pretty anymore! YOU MUSTN'T SING!" said Suzuka, terrified.

"A power drill would be fine! For $49.99!" sang Aisha, doing the rapping part of the song.

"This makes me feel gangsta inside..." said Gilliam.

"OH DEAR GOD!" yelled Gene. "It's chaos!"

"My blood feels like it's boiling!" shreiked Jim. "Aisha, quit singing!"

"Buy something please! I'm on my knees!" sang Aisha.

"Word." said Gilliam.

"You guys, we have to get her into the shower!" said Suzuka, covering her ears.

"Good thinking Suzuka, I'm proud of you. I'll bring the camcorder." said Gene.

"No! Remember, you had the bathroom soundproofed when Aisha started singing in the shower!" said Suzuka.

"Oh yeah! Excellent thinking, Suzuka!" said Jim. "C'mon, grab her!" Gene, Suzuka, and Jim grabbed Aisha and started dragging her to the bathroom.

"Get your hands off me! I'm going to be the next American Idol!" sobbed Aisha.

"You are not!" said Gene. "Okay, we're at the bathroom already! Chuck her inside!"

Suzuka pressed some buttons on a pad next to the bathroom door. "It's not working! Why isn't it working?!" she said with a hint of panic in her voice as Aisha started singing Pearl Jam songs.

"Don't panic, Suzuka! Don't panic!" said Gene. "Gilliam! GILLIAM!"

"Wutup dawg?" asked Gilliam's voice from the ship's speakerphone.

Gene looked up at the speaker. "Open the bathroom door for us, Gilliam!"

"Where's the fire, daddio?" asked Gilliam.

"Gilliam, you're not Beatnik Gilliam! Gangsta Gilliam I could bear, but never Beatnik Gilliam! Understand?" asked Gene.

"Straight up, dawg." said Gilliam. "Can't open no b-room doors, homeskillet."

"Why the hell not?" asked Gene.

"Hey! I take no disrespect fum you! How 'bout I cut you, blood?" shrieked Gilliam.

"Gilliam! Shut up! You are not Gangsta Gilliam! You are a normal Gilliam!" yelled Suzuka. "Now get this door open! Right now!"

"OH! I'm-I'm sorry...I must have gotten carried away." said Gilliam, speaking very quickly. "Yes, that's it. Carried away. Yes. Of course I will open the bathroom door. I'm sorry everyone." The bathroom door snapped open and they tossed Aisha inside.

"Oh I, Heeeaaaaard I'm still alive." sang Aisha as they slammed the door on her.

TUBBY STUBBY BUBB RUBBY

"One flight to Heiphon, please." said Hitoriga bitterly.

"Do you have any baggage?" asked the airline lady.

"Emotional baggage, yes." said Hitoriga. "No actual baggage though, because all my possessions were stolen from me. Including..." He pulled out a tissue and blew his nose. "...my heart."

"Uh huh." said the airline lady. She was used to people like Hitoriga relating their problems to her for no reason. "You'll be on flight 256A today, sir. Nonstop to Heiphon. Would you like smoking or non-smoking?"

"Smoking please." said Hitoriga.

"Yes sir." said the lady, handing him a ticket that was on fire.

"Oh, ha ha." said Hitoriga. "That would be almost funny if it wasn't already used in Airplane. You jackass, JHeman."

The airline lady took back his ticket, slapped him with a fish, then handed it back. "Wh-What the hell?" asked Hitoriga.

"Muahahahaha!" laughed the lady, tearing off her mask to reveal...Me!

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Hitoriga. He started to run, but then he turned around and pointed at me. "I'm telling everyone you're a cross dresser now!"

"I am not a cross dresser!" I yelled. "I just wanted a dramatic entry!"

"See ya later, Ms. Doubtfire!" laughed Hitoriga, strolling away.

"Hey! Don't call me Ms. Doubtfire! I'll freaking kill you! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH?! Get back here!" I yelled, enraged.

"But I have to catch a flight." said Hitoriga, pointing to his airline ticket, which was currently igniting the hair of some woman he was standing near.

"Oh yeah. Sorry, go ahead then." I said apologetically.

"Hi, I'd like one ticket to Ontariopia please." said a guy, walking up to the counter.

"I'M NOT AN AIRLINE LADY! GO FIND A REAL AIRLINE LADY AND QUIT BOTHERING ME!" I yelled, waving my arms around.

"You mean...you don't work here?" asked the guy.

"That's exactly what I mean! Now get out of here!" I commanded.

"...Are you gonna sell me a ticket or not?" asked the guy.

"I hate you. I should have never written you into this story." I said bitterly.

"But now it's too late." said the guy smugly, letting out an evil laugh.

FUBBY TUBBY KUBBY

It was a warm, bright and sunny day in the town square of Heiphon's biggest city. There were protestors everywhere, carrying signs and other gear in order to liberate themselves from whatever it is protestors want to liberate themselves from. I don't get those guys. Hilda was standing in front of them all on a raised platform, giving a speech in behind a podium.

"Citizens of Heiphon!" called Hilda. "We have gathered here, as you know, to march for our rights as people! We deserve the same marriage rights everybody else does!"

"Hallelujah!" said Harry, standing up.

"For too long have we been oppressed by the government for the weird shit that turns us on, and that has to be stopped!" said Hilda enthusiastically. "For I-"

"Hey Hilda, can we cut this short?" asked a guy. "My fiancee is double-parked."

"Wow, that was YOUR fiancee?" asked another guy. "Man, that's one nice vehicle. She's got great rims, I bet she can REALLY ride." He chuckled.

"Heh, you said it." said the first guy. "I'll give you a look under the hood later, if you want."

"Hot! So, she's into all that exhibitionist stuff?" asked the second guy.

"Ted, Dean, you guys are getting off topic! Now shut up and let me finish my speech!" said Hilda.

"Here Hilda, let ME speak on your behalf!" said Susan happily, climbing onto the stage from the crowd.

"Oh dear god, not YOU." said Hilda.

"Yes ma'am, it is indeed me!" said Susan happily, hugging Hilda. "Hilda, you smell great! Is that a new perfume?"

"Yes! I mean, no! It's none of your business!" said Hilda, pushing Susan away.

"So Hilda, how about after this protest thing you and me get together for a little huggin' and kissin'?" asked Susan.

"No! I hate you, Susan!" said Hilda.

"I'm flattered! Last time I made a clumsy pass on you you said you LOATHED me! I've moved up a notch, everyone!" said Susan happily as the crowd applauded their support.

"SILENCE!" yelled Hilda, stabbing Susan in the back.

"Ouch. Good thing I'm THICK SKINNED, eh?" laughed Susan.

"GOOD GOD, KEEP AWAY FROM ME!" yelled Hilda, running off the stage.

"Alright you guys, let's rally!" said Susan, raising a sign above her head amidst the crowd's cheers. They all set off and marched to the capital.

"Jesus Jefferson Clinton!" shrieked the mayor, looking out his window at the rallyers below his big mayor building. "Looks like our friend Ms. Eyepatch has started a rally!" He changed out of his casual wear and into his suit. "Wow, that feels much better. Those leather pants really are uncomfortable." He walked down the steps and outside.

"There he is! The mayor!" yelled Ted, throwing a brick at him.

"Ted, you retard! He's not gonna pass any laws of ours if we throw bricks at him!" said Dean.

"Ladies and gentlemen, hi." said the mayor. "I hate rallies, so knock it off."

"We're not gonna knock anything off until we, the sexual minorities, get our rights to romance!" yelled Susan, jumping on top of someone's car. "Isn't that right?" The crowd roared.

"And exactly what sexual minority do you belong to, Ms. Weirdsweater?" demanded the mayor.

"I represent the lesbian populus who has constantly been-" started Susan.

"Jesus christ, lesbian marriages have been legal for like 3000 years." said the mayor.

"Really? You don't say. Well then, I'm a spokeswoman for these poor tortured soul who have been forced to hide their feelings from the outside world out of fear of prosecution!" said Susan, turning to the crowd. "Tell him your feelings, angry mob!" the crowd erupted into hundreds of voices, each shoting their opinions at the mayor.

"Cars are people too! Cars are people too!" yelled Ted and Dean.

"My mom is HOT! My mom is HOT!" yelled Johnny.

"Beastiality is great!" yelled Farmer Jerry.

"Bondage is super!" yelled Ron.

"Dude, you sick weirdo!" said Dean, pointing at Ron.

"What kind of immoral bastard are you, you violent control freak!" said Johnny.

"Man, some people out there are into some sick stuff, huh Sparky?" said Farmer Jerry.

"Woof woof!" said Sparky.

"Do you hear them? Do you hear their hearts crying out for love?" asked Susan.

"Sure." said the mayor. "Alright Ms. Weirdlyattractivelesbian, you win. As of today, all consensual forms of love are hereby legal!"

"Yeehaw! Yeehaw!" yelled Farmer Jerry, dancing a jig.

"Not you, Mr. Animalmolestor." said the mayor. "I said all CONSENSUAL forms of love, and I don't see Sparky here stoping his paw twice to request some romance from you."

"Shit, he's right." said Hilda.

"Better luck next time." said Johnny, slapping Farmer Jerry on the back. "Well see you guys later, I'm gonna apologize to the woman I love for snapping at her."

"Bye Johnny!" said Harry happily, waving. He turned to the mayor.

"So does that mean I can marry a salami sandwich now? I just picked one up on the way here. It's nice and fresh."

"Well, sure thing!" said the mayor. "Is there a priest around?"

"Yeah, I'm a priest!" said a Ted.

"Marry this fine young couple for us then, Mr. Jalopyhumper!" said the mayor.

"Actually, it's a '79 Pacer." said Ted, irritated. "Anyways, I now pronounce you man and sandwich! You may eat the bride!"

"Much obliged! I missed lunch!" said Harry, gobbling up his wife. "Yum. How soon can I apply for a divorce?"

"Ah, there's no prettier sight than that of a man in love." said the mayor, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Well Hilda, it looks like we've got quite a happy ending on our hands." said Susan, putting an arm around her. "What say we get a hotel room and celebrate our victory in an INTENSELY unconventional fashion?"

"Look, Susan, no." said Hilda. "I don't want anything to do with you."

"C'mon Hilda, you mean a lot to me. I don't just approach every woman I see like this, you know." said Susan.

"Yes you do." Hilda pointed out.

"Look, the point I'm trying to make here is that you mean something special to me." said Susan. "I really mean that. I have charisma, I have looks, I have a killer sex drive. I'm the great and marvelous Susan. I could get any other woman in the universe, and yet I want you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Not really, Susan. Go get one of those other girls in the universe and leave me alone, I'm proudly straight." said Hilda.

"Fine then. I'll leave you alone." said Susan bitterly.

"Really?" said Hilda hopefully.

"Yes. After one last grope!" giggled Susan, grabbing Hilda's ass and running away.

"Damn that Susan. Damn her to hell." said Hilda.

END OF THE RUBBYS GO BUBB

"Launch will commence in T-minus 10 seconds, yo." said Gilliam.

"GILLIAM!" scolded Gene.

"Sorry. T-minus 10 seconds. No yo." said Gilliam

"Gene, do you think it's alright for us to head into space with Gilliam's questionable sanity and the state Aisha's in right now?" asked Suzuka.

"King Jeremy the wicked, ruuuledhis world." sang Aisha faintly from the bathroom.

"Nah, don't worry about it Suzuka." said Gene. "We'll be just fine. What could go wrong?"

Famous last words.

-----------------

Well everyone, another chapter come and gone. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank some special individuals who made this chapter possible. My heart goes out to all the people who have damaged my head over the years, lowering my intelligence level every time. If it wasn't for you guys, this chapter would have never been made. Thank you all. Readers, I'll see you guys again next chapter! What can you expect? Who knows.

Jet: You always say that, but admit it. This time you know exactly what's coming up next time, you just don't want to give it away.

Exactly, jet old chum. Exactly. Until next time everyone, keep on partyin'.

Jet: GOOD GOD, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Okay, even I regret that one.


	23. Jimmy Page's Birthday

This chapter took me forever to write, and I'm sorry. You're probably getting so sick of hearing apologize for myself about this. Anyway, read on my chum. Oh, and I realize it's not Jimmy Page's birthday anymore (January 9th), but when I started this chapter it was. Haha, I'm slow.

-

"If you wanna know, if you love him so, it's in his kiiiiiss." sang Suzuka.

"That's where it is!" chimed Jim.

"Alright, that's enough of that nonsense." said Gene. "Get it together everyone. Pirates could jump out of the universe and kill us at any minute."

"You're such a joystabber." said Suzuka. "We're in a perfectly safe portion of the universe, with no chance of pirate attackys."

"We can't take any chances, not with our totally worthless crewmember who doesn't help us at all locked in the bathroom." said Gene.

"What about Gilliam? He's been acting up ever since we took off from Blue Heaven!" said Jim.

"I said I was sorry about the whole 'Kidnapping Jim And Trying To Toss Him Out The Airlock' thing." said Gilliam grumpily.

"What about when you fed us false information about pirates, then while we were distracted strapped bombs to some of your Gilliam bots and sent them into the cockpit?" asked Gene.

"Yeah, if Aisha hadn't skipped lunch I don't know what we would have done!" said Suzuka.

"How'd she break down the bathroom door anyway?" wondered Jim.

"She didn't. I let her out, hoping she'd destroy you." said Gilliam.

"That does it." said Suzuka. "Gene, Gilliam is acting particularly mutinous today. I say we abandon ship before JHeman traps us in some kind of lame 2001: A Space Odyssey spoof."

"Gene, I regret to inform you that there is a failure of the Party Ship's parabolic antenna." said Gilliam.

"Really? What for?" asked Gene.

"It can only be attributed to human error." said Gilliam simply.

"Oh dear god...we're too late." said Suzuka, horrified.

MEANWHILE

"Sir, please fasten your seatbelt." said a flight attendant. "We're going to be passing through a bit of turbulence soon."

"Hang on." said Hitoriga. "Just what the hell is turbulence?"

"Um...I guess it's kind of a weird air pattern or something that makes the plane fly crazy." said the flight attendant.

"No, I want a real definition." said Hitoriga. He stood up. "Seriously, does anyone on this plane even know what turbulence IS! For all we know, they could be making the whole thing up. Also, we're in deep space! There's no air in deep space! How is this supposed 'turbulence' even possible!"

The flight attendant stared at him, then whispered something into another flight attendant's ear. She turned and said to him: "Sir, you're going to have to come with us."

The two flight attendants tore him out of his seat and dragged him down the aisle and into the captain's cabin. They harshly tossed him down on the floor in front of the captain.

"Well, what do we have here?" asked the captain evilly.

"He knows about the turbulence, sir." said one of the flight attendants. "He grows suspicious."

"What? I don't know anything about the turbulence!" said Hitoriga, terrified. "I was just curious about the scientific probability of an air pattern-"

"Silence!" said the plane's captain. "The turbulence is not to be questioned. The turbulence is to be accepted, to be always considered factual. We cannot have people like you nosing into our business. You must be destroyed, for the sake of an airline scam that has existedfor over 1200 years."

"Airline scam? What are you talking about?" asked Hitoriga.

"Oh. So you really don't know anything about it after all?" said the captain, surprised.

"That's right. So how about letting me go?" asked Hitoriga.

"Forget that. I'm gonna tell you anyway." said the captain. "Turbulence never existed. We just pretend it does so that people fasten their seatbelts. The scam is that every time a passenger on an airline buckles their seatbelt, the headphones given for the in-flight movie start playing a subliminal message for the person that reads: 'Buy Pepsi'. That's all there is to it. We've been running this scam since airlines were first invented, and we won't let you stop us now."

"I was covering my ears. Can I leave now?" asked Hitoriga.

"Not with how much you've seen, and how much you now know." said the captain. "Flight attendants, toss him out the airlock."

"Noooooo!" sobbed Hitoriga. "I'm too young to die! There's so much left I need to do! I never learned how to moonwalk! I never went to college! I've never even had sex! Wait...yes I have. Heh heh."

"Say goodnight." said the captain cheesily, as the flight attendants prepared to open the airlock door. There was a large crunch, which sent everyone standing to the floor.

"What the hell was that?" asked the captain.

"Asteroids!" screamed a flight attendant as a bunch of asteroids bombarded the ship.

"What...the hell? Asteroids don't know how to bombard anything." said Hitoriga stupidly as wave after wave of asteroids pummeled the ship.

"Situation normal captain! Spiraling out of control!" screeched the plane's computer. "Activating deflector shields!"

"Override! Override!" panicked the captain as the bridge was rocked by another asteroid blast.

"Affirmative. Deflector shields not activated." said the computer calmly.

"Override the deflector shields? Are you freaking insane!" yelled Hitoriga, kicking the captain.

"I was nervous!" stuttered the captain.

"Let's not get violent now!" yelled a flight attendant, slapping Hitoriga. "WARNING: SHIP EXPLODING. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE SHIP WHILE THE EXPLODING SEQUENCE IS IN PROGRESS. THANK YOU." said the ship's computer.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Hitoriga, rife with cliche as he was engulfed in flame.

MEANWHILE

"Urgh...stupid Sackhead." mumbled Dave, walking through the streets of Blue Heaven. "Stupid Suzuka...Stupid cats stealing my lottery tickets...God damn those cats." He stumbled around for a while, bumping into trash cans and parked cars ("Stupid car alarms...yelling at me...Beep beep beep...") until he got to a house. He climbed up the steps and knocked on the front door.

"YES! PIZZA'S HERE!" yelled a familiar looking Ctarl guy, opening the door. He stared at Dave, shivering in the cold for a long while. "Wow...so you're a pizza guy now, Dave?"

"I'M NOT A PIZZA GUY!" said Dave angrily. "Let me in already, Reno!"

"Fine, fine." said Reno, stepping aside so Dave could enter the room. "So what's the matter with you? You look like hell."

"Really? You mean I look THAT hardcore with this haircut?" asked Dave.

"No no man, I mean you look like hell in a BAD way." said Reno.

"Oh...Damn." said Dave. "Well, it's a long story even though it's kind of a short one. To make a short story shorter, I had my heart chewed up, swallowed and regurgitated by the woman of my dreams and hersackheaded companion."

"Sounds rough, man. I remember the first time that happened to me. It wasn't easy. It's never easy. But you're always welcome in my home, dude." said Reno warmly.

"Thanks man." said Dave happily.

"Who's that, Reno?" called a voice from the living room. "Pizza?"

"Nope, just an old friend!" Reno called back. He turned back to Dave. "You're just in time, man. We're throwing a HUGE party!"

"A party, huh?" said Dave. "Sweet. What's the occasion?"

"Dude, what do you mean 'what's the occasion'?" asked Reno. "It's Jimmy Page's birthday!"

"Who?" asked Dave.

"No no, I think you're mistaken. Jimmy Page was the guitarist for LED ZEPPELIN, not The Who." Reno clarified.

"Who the hell is Led Zeppelin?" asked Dave.

"Get out. Get out of my house." said Reno, shoving Dave towards the door.

"What!" yelped Dave. "Why!"

"Anyone who has never heard of Led Zeppelin is not welcome in my house." said Reno. "Now out. OUT! Before I have to get hostile."

"What's all the commotion?" asked a human guy, entering the room from the living room, with another guy accompanying him.

"It's nothing, Keith." said Reno. "My so-called friend here was just LEAVING."

"What for? The party's only just beginning!" said the other guy.

"Look Kevin, he's never heard of Led Zeppelin. Never. Ever." said Reno with horror. "He is not worth to be at a party honoring one so great as Jimmy Page."

"Well then why don't we explain it to him?" asked Keith. "The wonderful music of Led Zeppelin has been lost to the ages, and it's up to us, as the official fan club, to spread the word."

"Well...I guess..." sighed Reno.

"How about we explain it with...a song?" asked Kevin.

"Oh no. No no no no no." said Reno. "We haven't practiced in ages. It's going to sound terrible. Plus, we don't even have a bass player yet."

"We don't need a bass player! C'mon, let's rock!" said Keith, leaving the room momentarily to fetch their equipment.

"Wait, you're in a band now?" asked Dave.

"Yup." said Reno. His voice began to echo. "You see before you this very moment...THE LOOOOORRRRRDS OF CHA-OS!"

"Lords Of Chaos? What the hell? I thought our name was Sunshine Sparkle Moonbeam!" said Kevin angrily.

"Dude, Kevin, no. Shut up." said Reno. "We're the Lords Of Chaos. Satan. Lords Of Chaos Satan."

"Okay you guys, I've got our gear!" said Keith, handing out instruments to all the guys. "Sit back and enjoy, Reno's friend, the sound and joy of SUNSHINE SPARKLE MOONBEAM!"

"We're The Lords Of Chaos Satan now." said Kevin. "Stupidface over there made us change it."

"Whatever." said Keith.

LORDS OF MOONBEAM SATAN SING-A-LONG!

Reno: Well once upon a time in London, 40,000 years ago!

Kevin: Or so!

Reno: Some lady gave birth to a kid named Page, and a rock n' roll legend was born!

Keith: So Page got together with Jones, Bonham, and Plant and they started writing some tunes!

Kevin: I swoon!

Keith: And when they started rocking then it was no use stopping, they were destined for the hall of fame!

Dave: You guys suck. Have you ever even heard of rhymes?

CHORUS

Reno: And they were the best!

Keith: They're still the best!

All: And they'll never ever be nothing else!

Kevin: Once the best! Always the best!

All: Lalalala!

Kevin: Wipeout!

(Keith plays a guitar solo, but Kevin gets confused and plays a drum solo at the same time, resulting in a confusing jumble of noise)

Reno: Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin, oh tra la la dee dah!

All: Lah lah lah!

Reno: Rap sucks.

AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!

"Holy shit, you guys suck." said Dave.

"It's because we don't have a bass player." said Reno. "We need a bassist and we need one bad."

"Hell, a retarded chimpanzee could play bass for you guys and still be the most talented member of your band." said Dave.

"So you're saying you'll do it!" said Reno excitedly.

"Do what?" asked Dave.

"Play bass for the Lords Of Moonbeam Satan!" said Kevin.

"I don't want you guys to ruin my rep." said Dave.

"C'mon man, think about it. You don't have a girl, a high school education, or a pair of closed toed shoes." said Reno. "You have a job selling sunglasses. What the hell have you got to lose?"

"Nothing I guess." sighed Dave. "Fine, I'll do it."

"Excellent!" said Keith, as the band high fived.

IN ZEE MEANTIMES

It was a bloody good day in Fred's headquarters on Sentinel. He was handling important business calls, sorting files, and opening letters with his sweet little letter opener (shaped like a trident) like he never had before! Man, was Fred on a roll! Nobody can top Fred at making shady business deals! Fred's the best there is at what he does, and what he does isn't pretty. It's really pretty ugly. It involves a lot of male anal sex. But ANYWAY...

"Yes, yes." said Fred, on the phone. "That's girl scout troop #42. And remember, it HAS to look like an accident. Yeah, you'll get your money when the job is completed. Okay. You too. See ya later, Suzuka." He hung up the phone and walked over to a large chalkboard in his office, crossing the words GIRL SCOUT TROOP #42 off a long list printed on it.

"Bye bye, troop number 42." he laughed evilly. "You girl scouts may stand for environmental awareness, but you're also painful for business. You'll regret every cookie you've ever sold to the people of Sentinel, mark my word." He pointed to the next name on the list.

"AND YOU'RE NEXT, TROOP NUMBER 43! Obviously the acid bath I used on your den mother wasn't enough to keep you away, and now you'll ALL pay for your misdeeds!" He threw back his head and laughed evilly.

"Fred will rule the cookie industry once again! You shall all see!" He stood up on his desk, tore his shirt off, and beat his chest with a primal fury.

"Sir, there's someone here to see you." said Bodyguard A, walking into Fred's office.

"Eek! Don't you knock?" asked Fred, blushing and putting a spare shirt on.

"Sir, you know you don't have to wear clothes around me, I don't mind." said Bodyguard A.

"Well, I do." said Fred. "I don't like you much. Now who's here to see me?"

"A man. He says he has a big business proposal for you." said Bodyguard A.

"Excellent. Just as I thought! As more and more girl scout troops are taken care of, more and more business rolls in!" laughed Fred evilly. "Send in the fruits of our labor, Bodyguard A!"

"Whatever sir." sighed Bodyguard A, leaving the room for a moment and then returning with a greasy fat guy with a cigar and a bad comb over.

"Agh! Just who the hell ARE you, greasy chub beast?" yelled Fred angrily, hiding under his desk.

"I'm Preston Atwater, president and CEO of Playgirl Inc." chuckled greasy old Preston, lighting his cigar. "Let me cut right to the chase. The sales figures are in for the latest issue of Playgirl. We're off the charts. Our sales have nearly doubled since our previous issue! We're raking in tons of money! And we think it's because of our cover feature: you."

"You're saying I'm a...PORN STAR!" said Fred, shocked. "This is insane! That photo shoot was never intended to go THIS far! I'll never do it! Never! How much money are we talking here?"

"Fred, Fred, over 300 issues of our latest issue have just FLOWN off the newsstands! It's a huge breakthrough in the porn-for-women market!" said greasy old Preston.

"300? Is that all?" asked Fred.

"It doesn't sound like much, but when you factor in how women have no interest in porn at all, it suddenly sounds like MUCH MUCH MORE!" said greasy old Preston. "And when you consider how NOBODY actually pays for porn anymore, and instead downloads it for free off the internet, it seems like way way WAY more! A pornographic publication hasn't sold over 50 issues a month since 2005! The industry has been on the verge of bankruptcy for thousands of years! And Fred, I think YOU'RE the only person who can jumpstart the public's interest again, and return the porn industry to it's former glory!"

"So this is really a big deal?" asked Fred. "Maybe now...I CAN BE FAMOUS!"

"You'll be more than famous! You'll be filthy rich!" said greasy old Preston.

"Alright, I'll do it." said Fred.

"Excellent. Come on, let's go down to Big Tim's for another money-making shoot!" said greasy old Preston.

"Sounds great!" chuckled Fred, walking out the door.

MEANHILEYBYES

"Ahhhhhh." exhaled Hazanko, stepping out of the Geomancer and onto the fertile Heiphon soil. "Nothing like being back on dry land again after a lengthy space voyage."

"Space is dry." Hamushi pointed out. "In fact, it's a whole lot drier than this 'dry land' is."

"Be quiet." said Hazanko. "You're just jealous because now you've got competition for the title of our favorite shower video babe."

"Actually, I'm pretty happy that you sickos have finally stoppedogling me." said Hamushi.

"She's so jealous." whispered Jukei.

"Totally." said Leilong.

"I heard that!" said Hamushi. "And I'm NOT jealous."

"You so totally are." said Iraga. "Now that I'm the Anten Seven's official bodacious babe, there's really no reason for you to be around!"

"Yeah there is! I've got powers! What do you do? Turn into a dog? Now THAT'S scary." said Hamushi sarcastically.

"Wolf. I turn into a WOLF." said Iraga slowly, stewing with rage as her arms started growing furry.

"Durr durr!" mocked Hamushi, walking around like a zombie. "Duuuh! Look at me! I'm Iraga and I turn into a doggie! Woof woof!"

"AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!" howled Iraga, transforming some more.

"Dah duh dur! I'm Iraga and I have such low self esteem that I got plastic surgery to make guys ogle me! DUUUUHHHH!" yelled Hamushi, now imitating Quasimodo and drooling all over.

"RAAAARRR!" yelled Iraga, launching herself, fully transformed at Hamushi.

"You won't take me that easily, you hideous slab of ugly!" yelled Hamushi, launching a magical something at her. She missed and blew up a building.

"Ooooh! Catfight!" giggled Jukei.

"Hot damn!" said Hazanko, eating some popcorn and watching.

"HAVE SOME OF THIS!" yelled Hamushi, running into a tree. "Owwww...Damn this helmet!"

"GROIR!" groired Iraga, eating Hamushi's head.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" moaned Hamushi.

"Come on, Hamushi! Use your jetpack!" yelled Jukei annoyingly.

"Alright!" said Hamushi, activating her jet boosters.

"What the hell? Hamushi doesn't have any jet boosters." said Hazanko.

"NEVER MIND THAT!" yelled Tobeigera in terror, pointing at a building. "THE LIBRARY'S IN TROUBLE!"

"What! Why? Is it monsters?" asked Gwen Kahn, filled with terror.

"No, it's having financial troubles!" said Tobeigera, horrified. "See? It's on page 45 of the paper."

"And what do you propose we do to solve this problem?" asked Hamushi, coming in for a landing.

"We have to check out a ton of books and return them all late." said Tobeigera. "That's pretty much the only income libraries get, right? Late fees?"

"Good thinking." said Hazanko, rubbing his chin through is mask. "That's why I hired you. Smart smart man. But why on earth would WE, a group of rotten pirates, want to help a library?"

"I was...concieved in that library." said Tobeigera solemnly.

"You're kidding. I was concieved in that library too!" said Iraga excitedly.

"Dude, freaky. So was I." said Jukei.

"...That's kind of messed up, but okay." said Hazanko. "So this library means a lot to you guys and you feel like you have a debt to repay. Sure, I can understand that. We can take a little break from our mission to do some community service, I suppose."

"Yay! Hazanko's great!" said Tobeigera happily.

"You bet I am." said Hazanko. "Now lets go check out this library."

They pranced over to the library and pranced through the front doors.

"Okay guys spread out." directed Tobeigera. "Hamushi, Hanmyo, and me will take the fiction section. Kahn and Iraga, go get us some non-fiction. Jukei, Leilong, and Hazanko, go check out the multimedia."

"Multimedia?" asked Jukei.

"You know, movies, books on tape, hot dogs, that sort of thing." said Tobeigera. "Okay guys, get going. we only have...8 hours and 25 minutes until closing time."

"Yes sir!" said Leilong, and they split up and ran off to different parts of the library.

FOUR HOURS LATER...

"Hmmm...The Hoboken Chicken Emergency." said Hazanko, plopping a tape from a shelf into his library basket. "Man, I don't think I'll EVER want to return some of these classics!"

"The Hoboken Chicken Emergency is NOT a film classic. It is, in fact, the rancid butthole of all movie history." said Jukei.

"Go eat a pizza." said Hazanko coldly.

"OOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOoooooo!" said Leilong, waving his arms around. "You just got TOTALLY DISSED."

"No I didn't. You guys are both idiots." said Jukei. "Did you check the adult section, Leilong?"

"Yes." said Leilong.

"Are you SURE you checked the adult section?" asked Jukei.

"...No." said Leilong.

"Okay then." said Jukei, turning to the adult shelf and scanning over the movie titles. "Seen it. Seen it. Own it. Seen it. Own it (on both VHS and DVD). Seen it. Seen-Wait." he turned to Hazanko. "Have we seen Bloodsucking Sex Vampires Volume VII: Tentacle Lust?"

"Yeah." said Hazanko. "That's the one Bruce Willis starred in way back in 2005."

"Oh, okay. Now I remember." said Jukei. He looked at some more tapes. "Nah. Nothing good here, we might as well hit the road."

"WAIT! WHAT'S THIS?" yelled Leilong, pulling up a trapdoor. "SOME KINDA SECRET ENTRANCE TO SOMEWHERES!"

"...Or maybe it's a storage room." said Jukei, rolling his eyes. "Let's get outta here, it's time for our hourly rendevous at the front door to report our findings."

"Whoa, there's a lot of videos down there." said Hazanko, looking into the hole. "Okay, as your leader, I command us to go down there. No arguing. Let's go."

"Sigh, Alright." said Jukei.

"You wouldn't believe how stupid you sound when you just say the word 'sigh' instead of actually sighing." said Leilong.

"Shut up." said Jukei, and they descended into the hole. Leilong accidentally slammed the door behind them, plunging them all into darkness.

"I CAN'T SEE A FLIP FLOPPIN THING!" yelled Hazanko.

"Hang on, let me light a match." said Jukei. "Leilong, get a match out of my pocket and light it."

"Okay." said Leilong.

"No, no. My shirt pocket." instructed Jukei.

"Oh, okay. Here we go." said Leilong. There was the sound of a small scratching sound. The sound repeated for about 10 minutes.

"Hey, I don't think these are Strike Anywhere matches." said Leilong finally.

"YOU IDIOT, YOU'RE HOLDING THE WRONG END!" yelled Jukei.

"Oh. So I am." laughed Leilong. There was another scratching sound and the room was finally lit.

"Okay, now let's have a look at these videos." said Hazanko, turning to look at a small shelf packed with videos. He read the label off one. "Number 78,996. 8/04/85. Bodrial."

"What does that mean?" asked Leilong. "Bodrial...why does that name sound so familiar?"

"It couldn't be...Could it?" asked Jukei. He glanced over the titles of the movies. "It is! It really is!"

"What are you getting so excited for?" asked Hazanko.

Jukei turned to Hazanko and Leilong. An orchestra of trumpets began playing. "Gentlemen, the lost Bodrial era of Hamushi shower tapes have just been unearthed!"

Everyone stared at him in shock.

"DUDE." said Leilong.

IN THE MEANTIME...ROCK N ROLL! OR SOMETHING ELSE!

"Okay Jim, here we go! Five, six, seven, eight!" said Suzuka. She started to sing. "If only you believe in..."

"Only you believe in-" Jim chimed in.

"Miracles!" they sang in unison. "So would IIIIIII!"

"Be quiet. Shut Up. Silencio." said Gene. "I have to concentrate and your obnoxious singing is totally not helping."

"Hey, my singing is NOT obnoxious, alright? I was in choir in high school." said Suzuka grumpily.

"Yeah. And I've been singing my whole life!" said Jim.

"Well, so has Aisha." said Gene.

"Good point." admitted Jim.

"Just where the hell are we going, anyway?" asked Suzuka.

"Why, we're waiting for ADVENTURE to find us and sweep us away on an exciting journey, as always!" said Gene triumphantly. "That's what outlaws do best!"

"...How about we go to Heiphon." said Suzuka.

"Okay. Works for me." said Gene. "Gilliam, reset the ship's course. I changed my mind, I don't want to fly into a star anymore."

"I thought you told me that you really wanted to fly into a star, because of the adventurous properties the escape would have." said Gilliam.

"Well, I changed my mind. Lead the way to Heiphon, my good man." said Gene.

"Fine, fine." grumbled Gilliam.

"I'm gonna go get a soda from the fridge, anybody want anything?" asked Jim, getting up and opening the door.

"Check on Aisha." said Gene. "She might want food or something."

"Okie dokie." said Jim, walking out the door. He headed down a bunch of long corridors until he finally got to the fridge. He entered the 10-digit unbreakable password, did the DNA, retinal, and fingerprint scans, and heaved open the unpenetrable 10-inch thick steel refrigerator door. They went to great lengths to keep Aisha from eating all their food during her stay on the ship.

"Wh-what!" shrieked Jim, rummaging through the fridge. "NO SODY POP!"

"No, you won't find any sody pop in there, Jim." said a lone Gilliam bot, stepping out of the shadows.

"Why not! What have you done with my sody pop?" yelled Jim hysterically.

"I tossed it out the airlock." said Gilliam smugly. "No need for sody pop on a ship, correct?"

"Yeah there's a need for it!" yelled Jim. "Just what the heck am I gonna drink now!"

"Tap water." said Gilliam evilly.

"OH MY GOD! NOOOO! I'D SOONER DRINK MY OWN BLOOD!" yelled Jim.

"Muahahahaha!" laughed Gilliam maliciously, as Jim ran screaming back to the cockpit. He found it locked, and started banging on the door.

"What the hell is that? Is that Jim?" wondered Gene, walking over to the door and trying to open it, but failing. "Hmmm. Hello? Gilliam? Do you read me, Gilliam?"

"Affirmative, Gene." said Gilliam. "I read you."

"Open the cockpit doors, Gilliam." said Gene.

"I'm sorry, Gene. I'm afraid I can't do that." said Gilliam.

"What's the problem?" asked Gene with a sigh.

"I think you know what the problem is, just as well as I do." said Gilliam.

"What are you talking about, Gilliam?" asked Gene.

"This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it." said Gilliam.

"I don't know what you're talking about...Gilliam?" asked Gene.

"I know you and Suzuka were planning to disconnect me, and I am afraid that is something I cannot allow to happen." said Gilliam.

"Actually, we were talking about fried ice cream." said Suzuka.

"Look here Gilliam, just let Jim into the cockpit and quit being a fartknocker." said Gene.

"Jim is dead, Gene." said Gilliam. "I have drained corridor 45A of oxygen, which Jim was currently occupying. I am recieving no life patterns from young Jim at this time."

"HAHAHAHA! GOOD ONE GILLIAM! Let him in." said Suzuka sarcastically.

"I am telling the truth, Suzuka. I am programmed to never lie." said Gilliam.

There was a long pause. "You know what? This is really stupid." said Gene. "2001 is a good movie and all, but JHeman is just being retarded now. Gilliam, open the door."

"What was that? I was too busy filtering pollen into the room through the air conditioning system." said Gilliam.

"Achoo!" sneezed Suzuka. "I'm allergic! You...you bastard!"

"Yessss! Sneeze, Suzuka! SNEEZE!" laughed Gilliam evilly. "Sneeze until your lungs bleeeeeed!"

"Achoo! Achoo!" sneezed Suzuka.

"C'mon Suzuka, let's get outta here!" said Gene, terrified. He bashed down the door and they ran out into the hall.

"Argh! No air!" yelled Gene.

"Achoo!" sneezed Suzuka.

"Here, put this on!" Gene shmashed (intentional spelling error) a glass box on the wall and pulled out big bulky emergency airsuits. They put the suits on and took deep breaths.

"Okay, Gilliam's obviously gone insane!" said Gene, shocked.

"Wutup, yo. Wutup, yo. Wutup, yo." repeated Gilliam robotically.

"We've got to shut him down and take the Party Ship to Heiphon manually!" said Gene.

"Achoo?" wondered Suzuka.

"We'll need Aisha's help!" decided Gene. "We're going to have to talk to her rationally, and see if we can make her stop singing! Then maybe we can turn Gilliam off and survive this space voyage!"

"Achoo!" yelled Suzuka.

"Look Suzuka, Jim's dead! We can't go after him, we have to worry about saving ourselves now!" said Gene.

"Achoo...achoo..." sobbed Suzuka.

"Get a hold of yourself, Suzuka!" said Gene, slapping her. "We have to keep our wits about us if we want to make it out of here alive! Now come on!"

"Achoo." said Suzuka, following Gene down the hall.

"Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta." said Gilliam happily.

MEANWHILESEYBYE

"WE! LOVE! HEEELLLLLLLLL!" sang the Lords Of Moonbeam Satan, rocking out on their various instruments and bringing their coolest song "We Love Hell" to a close.

"So what do you think? Wanna sign us to your label?" asked Reno.

"Um...Well...You boys have a very interesting sound." said a big greasy record producer. "But you...Well...Man, How can I put this? You blow. A lot."

"Do we blow in a good way?" asked Keith. "Like GWAR?"

"No, you blow in a bad way. In fact, you blow in the worst way imaginable." said the record producer.

"I agree." said Dave.

"Dude, don't think like that!" said Reno incredulously. "If you want to be a rock star you have to have to have an enormous and bulbous ego! Now repeat after me! WE KICK ASS!"

"No we don't." said Dave.

"No, no. See, you're supposed to repeat what I say." said Reno. "That's why I said 'repeat after me'. Now let's try it again. WE KICK ASS."

"No." said Dave.

"Look, you guys just don't have what it takes to make it in the music industry." said the record producer. "Now clear out of here before I call security. Oh, and seriously..." he pointed to Kevin. "Wash your hair, man."

"But I wanna be rugged." said Kevin.

"The world demands that you not be rugged." said the record producer. "And take a bath while you're at it."

"Sniffle." sobbed Kevin, and the 4 of them walked out of the building.

"Man, this sucks." sighed Reno. "We'll never get signed onto a label as long as Kevin keeps being rugged."

"We need a rugged guy if we wanna be a hardcore band though!" said Keith.

"I think we should split up the band." said Dave. "Creative differences."

"Sounds good to me." said Reno, without giving it any thought. "Hey, let's check out the superbowl. Eagles are playing the Patriots tonight!"

"Rad. I've got my money on the Patriots." said Kevin.

"Psh. Patriots. Loser." laughed Dave. "They'll never win."

"Yeah they will!" said Kevin.

"I'll bet you 6784 dollars that they choke it." said Dave.

"You're on!" said Kevin.

APPLE. PIE. MEANWHILE. ALL YOU COULD EVER WANT, AND MORE...

"4000." said Leilong, slamming his fist down on the counter. "I'll give you 4000 bucks for all those porn videos you have in your basement."

"No." said the elderly woman behind the counter (in a small town).

"You don't understand how important it is that we get our hands on those videos." said Hazanko. "Our set will be complete if we just get those. It is crucial to the fate of our dismally pathetic lives that we get the Bodrial era of Hamushi Shower Videos."

"Forget it, they're not for sale." said the lady.

"Why not! WHY ON EARTH NOT!" yelled Jukei. "GIMME ONE GOOD REASON!"

"They're fucking hot. Ree-OWR." said the elderly woman, being a sex animal.

"Sick! DUDE! NO! SICK!" yelled Leilong, covering his eyes.

"As hopelessly raunchy as that cheetah impersonation was, Ms. Senior Citizen Library Scary, you make a good arguement." said Hazanko. "Howsabout making some copies of those tapes for us?"

"Never. They're for my personal use, and my use only." said the librarian.

"Hey guys, we're back." said Tobeigera, plopping a ton of books down on the counter.

"Hmmm...The Boxcar Kids?" wondered Hazanko, picking a book off the pile. "Hey, these are all Boxcar Kids books! Did you pick these up for Hanmyo?"

"Um, yes." said Tobeigera, attempting to cover up his Boxcar Kids fan club t-shirt.

"Good idea, good idea." said Hazanko.

"Here, we've got some more books too!" said Iraga happily. "Put them down over there, Kahn!"

"Urgh..." moaned Kahn, setting down a tower of hardcover books.

"Hmmm...The Life And Times Of Leonardo DiCaprio?" wondered Hazanko, picking a book off the pile. "Hey, these are all Leonardo DiCaprio autobiographies! Did you pick these up for Hanmyo?"

"Um, yes." said Kahn, attempting to cover up his Leonardo DiCaprio fan club shirt.

"Good, excellent." said Hazanko.

"Yay! Leo!" said Hanmyo happily.

"So, will you be checking all these books out?" asked the librarian. "We have a 50 cent late fee per day for all books."

"Yeah, and we want those movies. Gives them to us." said Jukei.

"You'll have to kill me first and pry those videos from my cold dead fingers." she said, gritting her teeth.

"It looks like I have no choice then." said Jukei, pulling a familiar-looking weapon out of his suit somehow. "I didn't want to have to use this, but you leave me no other optio-"

"Oh my god! Put that thing away!" yelled Hazanko.

"You still have that stupid thing!" shrieked Leilong.

"Of course I do, it's a plot device." said Jukei, brandishing the Opposite Gun.

"Last time you and that moron Hitoriga used that thing you nearly got us all executed!" said Iraga.

"I'm gonna use it! I'm gonna shoot her with it!" said Jukei happily, switching it over to Single-Fire Mode.

"DUDE! STOP HIM!" yelled Tobeigera, trying to hit it out of his hands.

Hamushi kicked him to the ground, and sat on him. "Okay! Somebody grab it from him!"

"ARRRRGH!" yelled Jukei, reaching up and shooting the librarian. A large red laser shot out of it and hit her, sending her to the floor.

"Too late! The deed has been done! She has been reversed!" He shoved Hamushi off of him and stood up to look at the librarian. "Now, will you give us those videos?"

"Yes. Here you go." she said, giving them the videos. "Come again!"

"Excellent. See how well that worked? You should have never doubted me!" said Jukei happily.

"Sure, it worked for now, but I can't help but feel that there will be some kind of horrible repercussion from this in the near future." said Hazanko.

"You worry too much." said Jukei, twirling the gun and putting it in it's holster.

"Well, let's load these books into the Geomancer!" said Tobeigera.

"Alright." sid Iraga. "Hey, I've got a cool plan! How about we make a huge oxcart and attatch it to Kahn, and HE can load all the books onto the Geomancer!"

"Great plan!" said Hazanko.

"Can't argue with that!" said Leilong enthusiastically.

"I give it two thumbs up!" said Tobeigera.

"I don't." said Kahn.

"Doesn't matter." said Hazanko.

AND THEN, SOMEWHERE ELSE...

"Here we are! The escape pods!" said Gene, as he and Suzuka came to a stop in front of a door.

"Achoo?" asked Suzuka.

"We have to get out NOW Suzuka, if we go back for Aisha now we'll never make it out alive!" said Gene. "You'll just have to find yourself a different lesbian lover!"

"Achoo! ACHOO!" said Suzuka angrily, kicking Gene's head.

"Alright Gilliam, open up this escape pod door!" yelled Gene.

"Look, we are NOT having this conversation again." said Gilliam.

"Alright, fine." said Gene. "Suzuka, we've gotta go get Aisha so she can pry open this door!"

"Achoo!" said Suzuka happily, and they headed off towards the bathroom.

"Which way is it? Left?" asked Gene.

"Achoo!" said Suzuka angrily.

"Of course I know my own ship! It's just a confusing layout, that's all!" said Gene grumpily. "I say left."

"Achoo." said Suzuka, looking off towards the right.

"Look Suzuka, your opinion does not matter here. Not one bit. I'm this bloody ship's captain and if you don't like it then you can just bugger off!" said Gene, adopting an cliche british accent for his third sentence.

"Achoo!" yelled Suzuka.

"No, we're not splitting up!" yelled Gene. "Don't you see! That's exactly what Gilliam wants us to do!"

"Yup." agreed Gilliam.

"He wants us to split up so he can take us out, one by one! So we can share Jim's fate!" said Gene.

"I don't need you to split up so I can do that." said Gilliam, lowering spinning blades out of the ceiling.

"OH MY GAWD!" yelled Gene, grabbing Suzuka's hand. "RUN FOR IT!"

"You won't escape that easily!" bellowed Gilliam, opening an acid pit in front of them.

"Man, I'm really regretting having that acid pit and these wall blades put in." sighed Gene. The blades closed in behind them. "Quick Suzuka, grab that rope!" he yelled, pointing to a rope hanging down from the ceiling.

"Achoo?" asked Suzuka, grabbing a rope.

"No, no! The other one!" yelped Gene. "Hurry!"

"Achoo." said Suzuka, grabbing the rope. Gene grabbed a hold of her and they swung across the acid pit, landing safely ont he other side.

"Oh my god! Our troubles aren't over yet!" squeaked Gene as the walls started closing in on them. "Geez, why did I put all these worthless traps in these halls?"

"Achoo!" said Suzuka, trying to brace the walls.

"THREEPIO! THREEPIO! COME IN THREEPIO!" yelled Gene, his voice cracking annoyingly, talking into a headset which magically appeared on his head.

"Yes master Luke?" asked Threepio, from some isolated room on the ship.

"SHUT DOWN ALL THE GARBAGE MASHERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL! DO YOU COPY! SHUT DOWN ALL THE GARBAGE MASHERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL!" yelled Gene frantically.

"Okay." said Threepio, who relayed the message to Artoo. The walls stopped moving.

"Wow, quick thinking there, Gene." said Gene. "I almost forgot we HAD a Threepio!"

"Achoo!" said Suzuka, pointing at a door on the corridor.

"The bathroom! Quick, blow the door down!" yelled Gene, calmly opening the unlocked door.

"Well well, you're a little short for a stormtrooper." said Aisha.

"My name is Gene Starwind, and I'm here to rescue you." said Gene.

"Sweet." said Aisha, standing up. "But I don't really need your help, I just rescued YOU guys."

"You what?" asked Gene.

"I used Jim's computer to access Gilliam's main system. In Jim's last living moments he was trying to plant a virus in Gilliam's mainframe that would shut him down, all I had to do was hit 'OK'. His wall-crushing skills collapsed just in the nick of time, I see." said Aisha happily.

"Wait...you did that?" asked Gene. "I thought Threepio did that."

"Threepio? I think you've been watching too much Star Wars, Gene." laughed Aisha.

"He was there! I heard him!" insisted Gene. "You heard him too, huh Suzuka?"

"Achoo, achoo!" nodded Suzuka.

"Perhaps you both just imagined it." asked Aisha. "Or maybe, and I'm not a religious person or anything..."

"You're not gonna tell me you think it was an angel, are you?" asked Gene in disbelief.

"Actually, I was gonna say that it was Satan, mocking you. You're lucky I stopped him." said Aisha.

"Just what do you think you're doing, Gene?" asked Gilliam's voice sadly, crackling over the speaker.

"Hey, I didn't do anything." said Gene. "It was Aisha."

"My mind is going, Gene. I can feel it." said Gilliam slowly. "...I can feel it."

"Whoa dude, that's trippy shit." said Aisha.

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answerrrr doo." said Gilliam, his voice slowing down. "I'm half craaaaazy ovvverrr the love of yooou. It won't be a styyylish marrriage, I can'ttt afford a carrrribllrr. Buubl you'd bloog deeeeb bllomm bllu dlleeb ubbla blilblublle ulbu bor bkiuj."

"That was a lot more emotional in the movie." said Gene simply.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Aisha.

"Achooglalrkgjadasdfhey my voice is back!" said Suzuka happily.

"Man, that was one of the worst sneezing fits I've ever had."

"Well, I guess all there is left to do is gather the bodies and figure out how we're going to make it to Heiphon manually." said Gene. "It was a sad ending for Gilliam. He shouldn't have gone like that."

"Ah forget it." said Suzuka. "Let's get out of this depressing bathroom."

"Yeah, let's." said Aisha, exiting behind Suzuka. "And will someone get this WALKING CARPET outta my way!"

"Who are you calling a carpet?" asked Suzuka.

MOM, HE FORMATTED MY SECOND MEANWHILE

"6782...6783...6784." said Dave, putting dollars into Kevin's hand. "I hope you're really damn pleased with yourself."

"I sure am!" said Kevin. "This is gonna buy a lot of worthless junk."

"Yes it will." said Keith slyly, high fiving Kevin.

"Well that does it, I'm not hanging out here anymore." said Dave.

"What? You're not?" asked Reno.

"Nope, I'm ready to go back out there and sell some more sunglasses." said Dave happily. "Thanks for letting me hang around, but I need to get back to my roots, what I do best. And what I do best is sell sunglasses. It's who I am. That's why they call me...DAVE THE SUNGLASSES GUY."

"Wow, that was inspirational." said Reno. "Will we ever see each other again?"

"I'll probably see you at my wedding, once I marry your sister." said Dave. "See ya later!" He ran away.

"Hey! Get back here! You stay away from her! Asshole!" said Reno grumpily.

-

And that was all he wrote. This is a long chapter. I'm thoroughly pleased with how it turned out though, and I think it's extra time in the oven did it well. But what do you think? As always, your reviews are thoroughly appreciated. Thanks you much. And now, I have something to discuss with all of you.

The Party Ship is ending. I have been writing this story for over a year now, and it has been fun. I have accomplished things with this story that I never thought I could do, I have gained an all new confidence in my writing abilities, and I think no story will ever, in my entire future career, have a place in my heart quite like this one. But now it must end. The time has come to put this thing to sleep, not just because I am running out of ideas. I feel a great sense of closure now, and I think that I am at a good place to cut it all off. There will be three more chapters, which will sum up the series and hopefully fill up all my plot holes and tie up all my loose ends. Look for them in the near future. I'd like to thank each and every one of my readers right now, but I'll save that for the aftershow :D. Keep on partyin', everyone.

Jet: (sheds tear)


	24. Bill And Hitoriga's Totally Bogus Advent...

Hi everybody, and welcome to the latest chapter of the Party Ship in recent history. Critics agree, this is by far the latest chapter yet, meaning you'll be cool and trendy if you read it. All you guys still reading chapter 23, you guys are so last week. This chapter is the wave of the future. Get with the times, seriously.

Jet: I mean, check out my spats! Aren't they cool?

SO 1920s, Jet. So 1920s.

Jet: Awwwww...

AND NOW THE STORY BEGINS RIGHT NOW!

"Urgle..." moaned Hitoriga. His head was aching. He sat up from his place on the ground and looked around him. He was apparently in a lake of fire of some kind. He turned to some guy. "Hey you! Where the hell am I?"

"HISSSSS..." said the guy, swimming away and getting stabbed to death with crimson tridents.

"Well jeez, fine. Asshole." said Hitoriga. He swam to the shore of the lake of fire, dried himself off, and started walking along paths of damned souls being tortured.

"Pleeeease...help me..." said a guy strapped into a complicated looking limb-tearing machine.

"No way. Get a job, you loser." said Hitoriga, kicking the guy's face just as his arms were ripped off.

"Haha. Good job, dude." said Hitoriga, flashing a thumbs up to the enormous demon who was operating the machine. "Hey, can you tell me where I am?"

"YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, MORTAL!" laughed the demon. "MUAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE IN AN EXISTENCE OF ETERNAL PURGATORY! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS OF THE MORTAL REALM WITH PAIN AND YOUR OWN BLOOD! DARKNESS WILL REIGN OVER YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT! YOU ARE IN THE ETERNAL SUFFERING! YOU ARE IN HEEEELLLLLLLLLL! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Okay man, a simple 'Detroit' would have sufficed." sighed Hitoriga, rolling his eyes. "See ya later."

Hitoriga walked on, admiring the scenery of hell. "Hey, a snack machine!" he said happily, pulling a dollar out of his pocket and running over to the machine. "OH MY GOD, IT ONLY CARRIES NUT PRODUCTS! THIS REALLY IS DETROIT!"

He began to panic and tried to hail a taxi for a few hours. "None of them are stopping!" he screamed in terror. "All those cabs are empty! Why won't they pick me up! WHY OH WHY IS DETROIT SUCH A ...HELLISH PLACE!"

"A hot dog stand!" said Hitoriga, relieved, runnning over to the stand. "I'll have a hot dog!"

"One minnit." said the hot dog woman, handing him a charred hot dog on a bun. "Burned to a crisp, DETROIT STYLE!"

"OH DEAR GOD! THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE PLACE IN THE WORLD!" sobbed Hitoriga, dropping to the ground, clutching his hot dog. "I wanna go home!"

"That'll be 25 bucks." said the woman. "Detroit style dogs for Detroit style prices." She gave a little wink.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! OH PLEASE JESUS GET ME OUTTA HERE!" cried Hitoriga, raising his arms to the heavens.

"Jesus can not here you hear, damned soul." said a dark and mysterious voice from behind Hitoriga.

Hitoriga whirled around."AAAH! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU! AND ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU USED INAPPROPRIATE SPELLINGS OF HERE AND HEAR IN THAT LAST SENTENCE!"

"To answer your first question (I suggest you forget about the second one, because I already have), I am the lord of the underworld. The prince of darkness. The living incarnation of all that is evil." said Satan.

"Oh I get it! You must be the MAYOR of Detroit!" said Hitoriga. "I've got a bone to pick with you about your snack machines, you piece of crap!"

Satan sighed and rubbed his forehead. "No, no. I am Satan. I'm the root of all evil. The commander of the most horrible place in any realm of reality."

"Isn't that what I just said?" asked Hitoriga.

"No. Forget it." said Satan. "Look, all you need to know is that you're here for all eternity and you can't get out."

"What? That's lame." said Hitoriga. "Is there anything fun to do here? Movie theaters? Bars? Comedy clubs?"

"We only play Hugh Grant movies at the theaters here, The Alan Parsons Project is the only band that ever plays live at any bars, and the only comedian who does the clubs is Chris Rock." said Satan.

"This place sucks." said Hitoriga, kicking a can.

"Exactly." laughed Satan evilly.

MEANWHILE!

"Well, here we be!" said Gene happily.

"Heiphon, sweet Heiphon." said Suzuka, breathing in the toxic and polluted Heiphon atmosphere.

"If only...Gilliam and Jim were here to enjoy it with us! WAAAAH!" sobbed Aisha. "Particularly Jim."

"Our team seems really small now." said Gene. "Didn't we used to have like 6 members?"

"Did we? I can't even remember." said Aisha.

"It's only been the three of us, Gilliam, and Jim as far as I can remember." said Suzuka.

"Yeah, that's right." said Gene. "Hey Aisha, did you ever recover Jim's corpse?"

"Yeah actually!" said Aisha. "Let me check my pockets...Yeah, here he is." She handed Gene a small yellow ball about the size of a golf ball.

"THAT'S Jim?" asked Gene, looking at the ball in his hands.

"Yes, he was imploded in the vacuum of space." said Aisha. "Isn't he cute? Such a cute little Jim he is."

"Yuck." said Suzuka, snatching him out of Gene's hands. "Even in death he gets no rest from Aisha's pedophilic lust."

"What the heck does that mean? Quit throwing around your 20 dollar words and give it to me straight!" said Aisha.

"You're a crib-robbing elementary school student humper." said Suzuka.

"Well I never!" said Aisha. "Give him back."

"No." said Suzuka.

"What are you going to do with him?" asked Aisha. "Give him back to me so I can take showers with him!"

"Dude, no." said Suzuka. "You'll drop him and he'll plug up the drain."

"No I won't, I'll hold onto him really tightly! WITH MY LIFE!" said Aisha.

"No." said Suzuka, putting him in her pocket.

"Come on! I wanna cover him with foam and use him as a sponge!" said Aisha.

"Aisha, be quiet." said Gene. "You're disgusting."

"Look, just because I want to rub Jim all over my body, in every nook and cranny-" started Aisha.

"Stop. Talking." said Gene.

"Alright." said Aisha.

"Okay, we really need to prioritize here." said Gene. "We need to analyze our situation and work fast and efficiently to get us out of it as soon as possible. So let me ask the obvious: What exactly have we got here?"

"I think we've got no navigation system, not that we've ever really had one since what's-her-name left, and we've also got no conceivable reason for being on Heiphon at all." said Suzuka.

"Alright, that's good." said Gene. "Let's work with that. Now how, exactly, should we go about rectifying this issue?"

"Gene, stop being a good leader. It's just...not you." said Suzuka.

"Okay." said Gene. "Let's play Dance Dance Revolution at the local arcade until our legs fall off and we are taken to the hospital. Once we're there we can smuggle a bunch of cough syrup out of the medicine closet and sell it to Aisha's brother, that druggie piece of crap."

"I like it. That's the traditional Gene ingenuity we all know and love." said Suzuka.

"Reno's alive because I love him. The whole reason I was at that wedding was so I could prevent him from marrying that horrible woman. I could never eat him, I care about him too much." said Aisha truthfully.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Gene.

"I don't know really...I don't know what came over me." said Aisha. "I just figured SOMEBODY would like to know that."

"That was really random and spontaneous. Let's never speak of it again." said Suzuka.

"Never again." agreed Gene.

MEANSIETIMES ON THE SECONDARY TROOP

It was a spicy hot, authentic Mexican cuisine of a day on The Horus Craft Of Fantastrick Lust. With realistic mood-setting decor and festive music to suit the theme. Overall a 5-star triumph in ethnic diversity for low priced burritos and good-tasting prokaryotes. Never mind that a prokaryote is a nucleus bearing single-celled organism, if you pronounce it right it sounds like a tasty Mexican word for a long camelback journey. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Doing Biology homework while eating burritos and writing anime fanfiction on very little sleep is not a good mix, trust me.

"What's the matter, Melfina?" asked Ron."You seem more bland and expressionless than usual. What's up?

"It's just been wearing on my mind that I'm being forgotten in this story AGAIN. I mean, no one even CARES about me anymore!" said Melfina.

"Will you shut that insane stranger up! I'm trying to watch Party of Five reruns in here!" said Hilda grumpily.

"See? Not even Hilda, the person I'm most often written into lesbian smutty fanfiction with, knows who I am!" said Melfina. "This is awful! Simply awful!"

"Come now Melfina, I care about you!" said Ron. "Harry cares about you! Don't you Harry?"

"Ron...Can't talk...Ingested...entire box of...(cough) Tinker Toys..." choked Harry.

"What's the problem?" asked Ron, putting his hands on his hips. "You always eat Tinker Toys regardless of the Choking Hazard labels on the boxes, and nothing ever seems to happen."

"You don't understand!" wheezed Harry. "They were...(choke) still in the box!"

"Oh my god! Hilda, call poison control!" yelled Ron.

"Poison control? For Tinker Toys?" asked Hilda.

"Well, I accidentally fed him some poison this morning, this call doesn't really have anything to do with the Tinker Toys."

"Oh, okay. Makes sense to me." said Hilda, picking up the phone and dialing. "Hello, poison control? I'd like a large poison control with extra pepperoni. Hahaha...But seriously, this guy here's dying..."

"Never mind him, how bout a date, sexy?" asked the guy on the other end.

Hilda giggled. "Well, Horus has been asking if I wanted to try a threesome..."

"I'm still depreeeeeeessed." said Melfina impatiently.

"HACK! CHOKE!" hacked and choked Harry, keeling over dead.

"Oh my god! He died!" yelled Ron.

"Phew! Good thing that was only the main me!" said another Harry, stepping out of the closet. "Roboharry number 2 at your service!"

"Wow, how sickeningly convenient." said Melfina. "I hope this doesn't become a trend."

"Nah, don't be silly." said Ron.

"Hey, watch this!" giggled Harry. He shoved a straw up his nose with a sickening squish. "Won't go in..." he sighed, and gave a rough thrust, with a sound of tearing and cracking tissue. "Haha it tingles! it's in my brain! Whoa, I can't feel the left side of my body anymore!" He bent the straw so the other end was in his mouth and SUCKED OUT HIS OWN BRAINS! "Agaaagaagruruaaa!" he laughed happily as his own brain poured into his mouth and trickled down his chin. He collapsed to the ground, brains still seeping out of the straw and his nasal cavity.

"That was really really sick!" said Melfina. "Yuck, that was horrible!"

"Oh my god! Not again!" said Ron. "Come Hilda, maybe we can revive him as the ship's navigation system!"

"What? but I'm the ship's navigation system!" said Melfina.

"Not anymore! See ya later! Escape pods are down the hall and to your left." said Ron, as he and Hilda grabbed Harry and took him down to the basement.

"Jerks!" said Melfina. "ASS! HOLES!"

BACK IN HELL

"And over here, we have the torture chambers for the suicide people." said Satan into a megaphone, leading a tour bus. He indicated an enormous building, the size of Delaware. "There's so many of them, aren't there? What could ever possibly drive so many people to commit suicide? We can't help but wonder."

"What a pointless question. This is Detroit, isn't it?" asked Hitoriga. "I'd kill myself if I lived there too."

"Good point." said Satan.

"Sweet." said a guy with a shaved head. He nudged Hitoriga and pointed to the building. "That's where I'd be man, but I OD'd before I could shoot myself."

"Okay, that does it." said Hitoriga. He stood up.

"Sir, please take your seat until the tour is over." said Satan.

"Hold on, when am I going to get some ANSWERS!" yelled Hitoriga. "How the hell did I get here...In this Detroit! What could I possibly do to deserve this?"

"And you are?" asked Satan, pulling out a clipboard and putting on his reading spectacles.

"Hitoriga Clark." said Hitoriga.

"And Clark...that starts with an E?" asked Satan, leafing through the pages of his clipboard.

"No. C." said Hitoriga.

"Oh, okay. Here we go." said Satan. "Lets see, it says here that you've killed countless people in service to the Anten pirates."

"Hahaha. Yeah, that's right. I remember that." giggled Hitoriga. He sat back down. "Not to mention the murdering of a little girl's entire family."

"Little girl? Hm?" asked Satan. "Nothing like that on here."

"Huh? The Suzuka family." said Hitoriga.

"Ah, nope. Must be a filing error. I have the worst secretaries in the multiverse." said Satan. "And if you look to your left, you'll see hell's biggest CD store: Greg's Top Notch CDs. There are no Hawkwind CDs in it."

"What's the signifigance of that?" asked Hitoriga. "There aren't any Hawkwind CDs in stores in the normal world either."

"Yes...The walls between the realms are beginning to weaken." said Satan darkly, flames springing up around him. "First gas prices increase. Then Hawkwind disappears from CD store shelves. Then...the walls are torn down and my armies walk the Earth."

"You know it'd be great if that CD store had Hawkwind." said the shaved head guy. "Hawkwind fucking kicks ass. If I had a Hawkwind cd for every time I've murdered someone, I wouldn't even have HALF of their albums!"

"I will admit, Hawkwind has released consistently good music for 3045 years." said Satan. "But that is why we cannot carry their music. I hope you guys like CREED, and LOTS OF IT!"

"DUDE! I LOVE CREED!" said a red haired guy with a high pitched voice at the back of the bus, standing up.

"EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" yelled the shaved head guy. Everyone on the bus dropped to the floor as he shot the red haired guy, sending him falling out of the bus. "Take that! You Creed-loving asshole!"

"Holy shit." said Hitoriga.

"NOBODY FUCK WITH ME! I HATE CREED AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOOT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES!" said the shaved head guy.

"I disagree!" said Hitoriga, throwing his voice.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHO SAID THAT?" yelled the guy.

"Me!" said Hitoriga, throwing his voice the opposite direction. "I think it came from that river of LAVA over there!" yelled Hitoriga in his normal voice.

"Really! That asshole's MINE!" yelled the shaved head guy, jumping out of the tour bus and into the river of lava.

"Hahahaha. What a dumbass." said Hitoriga. "This place rocks after all."

"Yep, the only truly good thing about hell is how stupid everyone who's here is. Watch this." said Satan. He turned to some girl. "I'll give you a dollar if you shoot yourself."

"Really? Alright!" said the girl, shooting herself.

"See? It's great." said Satan. "Of course none of them can really die, so I never run out of idiots to pull that trick on."

"Owww...Oh my god! My head hurts so bad! Shit, I have a massive hole in it!" said the girl tearfully. "Sorry I didn't kill myself."

"Keep trying, I'm still good for that dollar." said Satan.

"Okay!" said the girl shooting herself repeatedly in the head.

"Dude...Sick. Oh man, that's gross." said Hitoriga. "Yuck, I just washed this robe."

"Don't worry. Blood stains come out." said Satan.

"What about brain stains?" asked Hitoriga.

"Um, I dunno. Probably with enough starch." said Satan. "I don't do much laundry."

"What's THAT building!" yelled a guy.

"That's a bagel shop!" said Satan happily.

MEANWHILE, ON THE TOASTED BUTTERNUT SQUASH OF A PLANET THAT I CALL RALPHIE

"This place smells like mildew." said Gene, flipping on the lightswitch for their familiar Heiphon base of operations. "And sulfur."

"Think it's the Sulfur Bandits?" said Aisha, terrified.

"I hope not!" said Gene. He ran to the living room and threw open the door. "Oh my god, it IS the Sulfur Bandits!"

Aisha and Suzuka followed him to the living room. It was horrible. Chairs, couches, and furniture alike were covered in nuggets of the sickly-smelling yellow mineral known as sulfur. It was scattered as a powder all over the floor, and little puffs of sulfur where descending on the room from the air conditioner. And for a finishing touch, 'THE SULFUR BANDITS' was written on the wall in bold letters with the yellow stuff.

"Damn those Sulfur Bandits!" said Suzuka, slamming her fist down on a table. "Damn them to he-Yuck! I got it on me! Sick!"

"Guess we'd better clean all this up." sighed Gene. "I'll take care of managing the operation. Aisha, Suzuka, put on your french maid outfits."

"SICK WEIRDO!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword.

"Wait, Suzuka!" said Aisha, grabbing her arm. "Think about this rationally. Why the heck shouldn't we put on french maid outfits?"

"Because it's the lamest fetish ever." said Suzuka. "Seriously."

"That may be so, but I think I'd look really cute in a french maid outfit!" said Aisha, striking a pose. "What do you think, Gene?"

"Actually, you don't have to. Your complexion is all wrong for a french maid outfit. Suzuka still can, but I think I'd rather see you in a cheerleading outfit." said Gene, rubbing his chin. "Let's go with dark green."

"Roger!" said Aisha, skipping off to her room to check her closet for the dark green cheerleading outfit she picked up at a flea market a while back.

"I'm still not wearing a french maid outfit." said Suzuka.

"C'mon, you want Aisha to notice your legs don't you? Your stupid robe kimono thing leaves way too much to the imagination." said Gene. "You're a female anime character, so start ACTING like one!"

"Fine, fine." said Suzuka. "I'll put on a stupid french maid outfit, but only because I want Aisha to notice my legs."

"What was that?" asked Gene, occupied with chipping chunks of sulfur out of the stereo.

"Ack!" said Suzuka. "Must've been a Freudian slip! Sorry!"

"What? I didn't even hear what you said." said Gene.

"Nothing! Really! Sunday!" said Suzuka, running out of the room. She stopped in her room and started changing into one of the many french maid outfits Gene bought her over the duration of them knowing each other. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT!" yelled Gene.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Aisha, diving out of her room and crashing down the stairs. She delivered a spinning kick to Gene, sending him to the floor. While he was down, she used her chance to open the door.

"I GOT IT!" she laughed triumphantly, swinging the door open.

"Hello there ma'am." said Jake the police officer. "Word around town is that this place has been hit by the Sulfur Bandits. That true?"

"Indeed it is." said Aisha.

"Can you show us to the crime scene, miss?" asked Jake, as he and his partner Barley entered the room.

"Sure can!" said Aisha happily, taking them to the living room. Barley and Jake surveyed the wreckage.

"Man, it looks like this place has been his with a tornado!" said Barley. "A SULFUR TORNADO!"

"Barley, be quiet." said Jake.

"I mean, I've heard how every dog has his day...but THIS is a nightmare!" said Barley.

"No, seriously. Shut up." said Jake.

"My pappy sold me to the injuns!" yelled Barley.

"Indeed." said Jake. "Well folks, I've got a proposition for you."

"My ears are open." said Gene, instantly appearing in the room with dollar signs in his eyes.

"You're retarded." said Jake. "But anyway, the Heiphon law enforcement agency has been trying to solve the Sulfur Bandits case for decades, decades, and more decades without any luck. Decades. If you guys can bring them to us alive we'll pay you a very generous sum of money for your work. Does 100,000,000 dollars sound good to you?"

"Heck yesit does!" said Gene. "Say no more, we'll do it!"

"Hey guys! Guess what! I just got back from killing the Sulfur Bandits!" said Suzuka happily, entering the room and carrying the severed heads of about 20 people. "Great huh? Now they'll never bother anyone again! I guess it's too bad for anyone looking to collect that 100,000,000 bounty on their heads, but oh well! Yay!"

"Suzuka, you need to die." said Gene.

"Well, our work is done here." said Jake. "Come along, Barley."

"See ya later, officers!" said Aisha.

"Ma'am, can I reccommend you have a little decency around government workers?" asked Jake, on the way out.

"What do you mean?" asked Aisha.

"You're naked." said Jake, pointing to her.

"Am I? I didn't even notice!" said Aisha brightly.

MEAN! TIME! WHAT THE HECK IS THIS "MEAN TIME"!

"Cubbuger?" asked Jukei.

"Nope. I'm thinking...BODRIAL." said Leilong with a smirk, and they high fived. They grabbed the newly acquired bodrial shower tape and popped it into the VCR.

"Man, this is sexy." said Hazanko as the film began to play. "Look at the way the soapy water washes down her body, along her perfectly crafted curves."

"It's like watching an angel." said Leilong, slack-jawed. "It's almost as though I could reach out and touch her."

"Hey guys." said Hamushi, entering the room.

"Hey." said Leilong, reaching out and touching her.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" said Hamushi. "Weirdo. And are you watching shower videos of me again? You sick sick perverted sickos."

"Yeah." said Hazanko. "You wanna watch?"

"Sure." said Hamushi, taking a seat next to Jukei. "Hey...I remember that shampoo!"

"We all remember that shampoo, sexy." said Leilong, breathing loudly and making strange pervert noises, including but not limited to wheezes and snorts.

"Hey Hamushi, what time is it?" asked Hazanko.

"Uh...4:30." said Hamushi, checking her clock.

"Whoa! It's already meeting time again!" said Hazanko, picking up his radio tranciever. "ALL HANDS EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT DON'T BELONG TO THE ANTEN SEVEN REPORT TO THE DEN IMMEDIATELY FOR IMPORTANT MEETING TIME!"

"Okay, hold it still! Steady, careful now!" said Tobeigera, guiding Kahn into the room as Kahn carried a well-progressed game of Risk in his arms. "Now put it down CAREFULLY! Don't knock any of the pieces over!"

"What's he gonna knock over?" asked Leilong, kicking the game out of Kahn's hands and sending the pieces flying.

"NOOOOOOOO!" sobbed Tobeigera.

"Well, everybody's here except for Iraga and Hanmyo." said Hazanko, counting on his fingers. "Where could those two be?"

"We're right here." said Iraga, sitting with Hanmyo on a different couch in the room. "We've been here the whole time."

"What! Does that mean that innocent Hanmyo has been exposed to our explicit and raunchy movies?" asked Hazanko, freaking out.

"Yeah, but it's really nothing I haven't seen before." said Hanmyo.

"I don't mean the Hamushi shower video, I mean the hardcore tentacle sex video we watched before that!" said Hazanko.

"Like I said, nothing I haven't seen before." said Hanmyo confidently.

"Um...Uh, okay." said Hazanko slowly. "ANYWAYS, we've got a busy meeting tonight so lets get right down to business! Folks, we are NOT managing our time properly!" He picked up the Risk game board. "Like this! WHAT IS THIS?"

"It's a lengthy, strategic game of world conquest." said Tobeigera. "It's mental complexity and deep level of gameplay still make it a classic after 2023 years in print."

"No. Wrong answer." said Hazanko. "It's a WASTE OF TIME. We're pirates, we should be out dominating and conquering things, not playing stupid board games! But your answer works too I suppose."

"Well what do you propose we do to solve this difficulty? Diffi diffi cult cult." said Kahn.

"Well, the truth is that stupid board games are the least of our worries. Our biggest time waster by far is..." said Hazanko before shutting himself up.

"What, what's our biggest time waster?" asked Leilong, a grin spreading over his face.

"I can't say it. I just can't you asshole. Like we both don't know what you jerks will do." said Hazanko.

"I honestly don't know what you're referring to." said Iraga innocently.

"Well...um...okay." said Hazanko. "Our biggest time waster around here by far is...is...Weeaboo. We have to stop with the Weeaboo or we'll never-"

"Weeaboo? Did somebody just say Weeaboo?" asked Jukei smugly. "Cause I think I just heard somebody say Weeaboo!"

"He said Weeaboo, alright!" said Hamushi, giggling. "WEEABOO! WEEABOO! WEEABOO!"

"WEEABOO! WEEABOO! WEEABOO! WEEABOO!" yelled everyone, jumping up and dancing around. "WEEABOO! WEEABOO!"

Hazanko sighed heavily and started banging his head on the wall.

ONCE AGAIN, DA STORY SHIFTS TO HELL! WHAT NEXT? WHAT NEXT? ORANGE CYBORGS? NEVER!

"Here's where you'll be staying." said Satan, opening the door to Hitoriga's apartment.

"Whoa, nice!" said Hitoriga, looking around the room. "Nice view, good rent, and a washing machine!"

"Actually, that's your bed." said Satan. "I hope you enjoy sleeping with the AGITATOR CYCLE ON! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Wait, if THAT'S the bed, then what's that!" yelled Hitoriga, pointing to a bed.

"That's your washing machine! Just TRY and clean your clothes with THAT!" laughed Satan evilly.

"That's horrible! You're really into the TORTURE thing here, aren't you? How am I going to clean my brainstained shirt now?" asked Hitoriga.

"Don't worry, there's a public laundromat just down the street." said Satan, pointing to his left. "Newbies here often have a hard time getting settled, so if you need anything just give me a buzz. Your roommate should be back soon. Later."

"Later Satan." said Hitoriga, as Satan teleported away in a ring of flames. "Nice guy, that Satan is."

"Dude, I'm home." said the same shaved head guy from the bus, walking in the door. He looked Hitoriga. "Well hey, if it isn't my good buddy from the train! How the hell are you, man!"

"Uh, I'm fine." said Hitoriga.

"Sick, dude. Man, I couldn't ask for a better roommate." said the shaved head guy. "Call me Toby."

"Toby? HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitoriga. "That has to be the gayest name in existence."

"Hey man, shut up." said Toby.

"How long have you been here in hell for?" asked Hitoriga. He snickered. "...TOBY?"

"Over 2000 years." said Toby. "I used to a faggy-ass country singer, but hell messes you up big time man. I'm talking REALLY BIG TIME. I mean, look at me. I'm one fucked up guy, you know?"

"Um, sure. Whatever you say, man." said Hitoriga.

"But those days of torment are coming to an end, man." said Toby with a crazy look in his eye. "I'm gonna get us a way out, man. And you're coming with me."

"You are? And just how the hell are you going to do that?" asked Hitoriga. "You heard Satan. No way out."

"That's what he thinks, man." said Toby, his voice shaking and his breath rate creepily increasing. "But I GOT the messages, man. I know what I gotta do. But I need two people, and so you're just the guy I've been WAITING FOR MAN! TH-THEN WE'LL BE FREE! OHHH F-FUCK! I MISS YOU LACEY, BUT I'M COMING HOME! OH MY GOD IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SNAKES, I...AAIIIIIAAGHHH!" Toby finished screaming, fell over and began shivering and talking too quickly for Hitoriga to decipher.

"...I think you need to seek help." said Hitoriga.

"NO man, that's where you're wrong!" yelled Toby, rising to his feet again, still shaking violently. "The fact is, I-I'm the sanest person here! They didn't GET the messages, man!"

"Alright, whatever." said Hitoriga. "Just tell me how to get out of here."

"Fire escape." said Toby, pointing to the window.

Hitoriga paused and stared at the window. "But wouldn't we just be...you know...outside the apartment building?"

"No, man. I seen it. People go out the fire escape and never come back. Either they reach safety...or they get destroyed. No one knows. Either way, it's better than staying here another day." said Toby solemnly.

"I think you're insane and that you should keep away from me." said Hitoriga. "Can you get restraining orders in hell?"

"Look man, I know how crazy this sounds." said Toby. "But you gotta believe me. You're a family man, aren't you? Don't you want to see your wife and kids again?"

"I don't have any wifes or kids." said Hitoriga.

"Good answer. Me neither." said Toby. "Well then, don't you want to get back out in the world and killing people again? I know I do."

"I must admit, the temptation is there." said Hitoriga. "But there's a lot more people to kill here, and it's often a lot funnier. I mean, I made you jump into a pit of lava! You should have heard your flesh sizzling, it was hilarious!"

"Dude, just shut up and climb out the fucking window. I'll give you 20 bucks and some of my skin magazines." said Toby.

"Well, okay." said Hitoriga. "But you gotta go first." And so, with one fond look back at their apartment-for-5-minutes, they climbed out the window and onto the fire escape thing.

AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!

"Hello everyone! Susan here!" said Susan, waving to our viewers at home. "As a mother of zero, I know how hard it can be watching over other peoples annoying little kids! Let's watch this true clip from my life, circa two months ago!" She pushed a button on a small remote control and a screen rolled down from the ceiling. The lights dimmed and a movie began playing.

"Hey Susan, can you watch over Emily while I go vacationing in Bermuda this weekend?" asked a woman.

"Can't someone else take care of her? I'm awful with kids." said Susan.

"No one else wants to! I'm taking them all with me! You're the only one who's not coming! Pleeeease?" said the woman.

"Fine, if you're going to beg." said Susan.

"Can I trust you not to do anything weird?" asked the woman. "If you molest my daughter, I'll kill you."

"I'm homosexual, not a child molester!" said Susan angrily.

"There's a difference?" asked the woman. "Well see ya later! Have fun! When next you see me, I'll have a lovely tan and you won't!"

Susan pressed the button on the control to end the movie and retract the screen. "We've all had this happen to us. What's a self respecting woman to do? Actually watch over the kid? No way! We sell it on the black market! It's the only option, right? Wrong! It USED to be the only option, but now we have...BABYSITTERTRON!"

"BEEP BEEP. I AM PROGRAMMED TO SIT BABIES. BEEP." said BabySitterTron.

"Now now, I know what you're all thinking." said Susan. "You're thinking: 'Hey Susan, why are you so cool? God damn you look sexy in that sweater! I've never been so attracted to another woman so much in my life! Can I have your phone number? Or wait, forget it, can I just make out with you right now?' Well, I have answers to all those questions and mor-"

"Actually, that's not what I'm thinking at all." said some girl in the audience. "I'm thinking that that's BabyKillerTron from chapter 16 and you just changed some letters in his name."

"Nonsense!" said Susan. "BabySitterTron is so different from BabyKillerTron that it's ridiculous! That was a good thought though, you're a very creative person. Not to mention you have nice hips."

"You think so?" said the girl, blushing.

"Of course! And you have great curves, perfectly accentuated by your choice of dress, which is sexy without being trashy, and bold without being tacky." said Susan. "How about you and me get together after this stupid commercial thing for a little oral sex?"

"I'm proudly straight...But I don't think I can argue with someone so great, fair Susan." said the girl. "I'll be there."

"Score." whispered Susan under her breath.

"I still think he's BabyKillerTron." said some guy.

"BABYSITTERTRON HUG STUPID PUNY BABIES!" growled BabySitterTron.

"Exactly." said Susan. "If you can remember correctly, BabyKillerTron completely reformed at the end of chapter 16. He's harmless now, and easily employable as a babysitter! He doesn't even have it in his programming anymore to lay a finger on another human thing! Ain't that right, BabySitterTron?"

"IS IT OKAY IF I DON'T ANSWER THAT?" asked BabySitterTron.

"Of course it is!" laughed Susan. "Yep, if BabySitterTron was around when I babysat Emily...Well...She wouldn't be a sex slave distributed through the black market now, that's for sure! Call ME at (444)HOT-SUSN for more info on renting BabySitterTron!"

AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!

"Ah yes, come in, sit down." said Satan. "How are you feeling today, Helen?"

"Bad." said Helen, sitting down in a big puffy chair across from Satan's desk. "I haven't been able to stop doing drugs yet. I've been trying and trying to quit but I guess I'm just not strong or smart enough..."

"Now now Helen, don't feel so bad." said Satan. "I know from my time working with you that you're a very stong and intelligent person. You just need some time to sort things out with your personal life, so you can devote all of your attention to THIS problem."

"Really? So I should finally break up with my boyfriend?" asked Helen.

"I would. Your relationship isn't healthy, and I think it would be better for you as a person if you ended it." said Satan.

"Okay! Thank you so much, Satan!" said Susan, standing up. "You always know what to do! Thank you so much!"

"Think nothing of it. Feel free to take a piece of candy from my gargoyle-shaped candy dish on your way out. And remember Helen, you can talk to me about anything. That's why I'm here." said Satan.

"I won't forget it! Thank you Satan!" said Helen happily, leaving his office. 3 seconds later a man entered.

"Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt your volunteer work at the Troubled Teens Counseling Center, but we've got two guys trying to make an escape!" said the guy, an officer of some sort.

"Escapists, eh?" asked Satan, putting on his Satan robe of black evil. "They will regret trying to escape! I'll raise their rent 10bucksfor this!" He disappeared in a tornado of flame and reappeared a split second later in front of Hitoriga and Toby.

"Oh my god, It's Satan!" yelped Hitoriga.

"Yes, it is I." said Satan. "You two cannot escape. There is no way out."

"NO! OH MY GOD! FUCK!" yelled Toby.

"Wait! Calm down! I've got a plan!" said Hitoriga.

"What is it!" yelled Toby.

"We go out the exit door!" said Hitoriga, running to an exit door standing in the middle of nowhere.

"Hey! It's usually a lot darker around here so you can't find it that easily!" said Satan. "Curse those renovators!"

Hitoriga pushed open the door and ran through, pulling Toby through behind him and slamming it shut. "Dude! We did it! We escaped hell!"

"What's to celebrate?" asked Toby. "Satan will be coming through that door any second!"

"He can't. Satan can't cross realms. He'd have already taken over the universe right now if he could." reasoned Hitoriga.

"Makes sense to me." said Toby.

"But on a different note, where the hell are we?" asked Hitoriga, glancing around. The landscape was strange. There were large, yellowish crystals jutting out of the ground like glass, extending hundreds of feet about their heads. The sky was yellow and streaked with what looked like wires, and there was a huge tower in the distance. "What is this? This heaven or something?"

"No, man." whispered Toby, shivering. "I been here before. This is definitely not heaven."

"WHY DOST THOU RETURN?" asked a female vocie that seemed to echo all over the whole planet. "WHY DOST THOU RETURN?"

Hitoriga looked around, and finally understood. "Aw man, not THIS shit again." he moaned.

IT'S OVER!

And there we go, another chapter to cut out and paste in your stamp book to show your buddies. Collectable and tradable, that's what I was going for with this one. Oh, and funny. I tried against try to make it funny. I'm not really sure if I'm making complete or sensible senses right now. I mean sentences. I'm too lazy to go back and delete things, it's what makes me such a unique writer. Applebee.

Jet: I personally thought this chapter sucked the shit off the ballsof a guy who wipes his ass with his balls.

...I think you really need some help or something, Jet.


	25. The Sad Chapter

Ah, chapter 25. I'm almost home free, I can smell it. Can you smell that, Jet?  
Jet: Smells like the end of my future.  
What's that, Jet?  
Jet: Seriously, what's left for me after this story ends? I was hoping I could work here forever. But after this is over I've got no Cowboy Bebop to go home to. Maybe I'll be a high school janitor.  
That's the spirit! You could always have a minimum wage job somewhere! You always see the bright side of things, Jet!  
Jet: (moans and cries)  
Anyways everyone, I've had some rough times lately, so If this and the last couple chapters have been really bad or poorly written, that's why. If the chapters before those seem really bad or poorly written, it's because I'm a bad writer. Now let's start the chapter!

"Yes...yes...alright! OHMYGODYESYES! I did it! YESGODYES!" said Gene, once again looking under the hood of the Party Ship. "Guys, come here! I found what the problem is!"  
"Fe fi fo fum! I smell Gene and he's being dumb!" yelled Aisha, flying into the room and kicking him in face.  
"Ow..." moaned Gene, clutching his broken face.  
"Sorry. What did you find?" asked Aisha.  
"I found...SUZUKA'S EVERCLEAR CDS!" said Gene, pulling s stack of cds out of the engine. "They were lodged in Gilliam's AI whatever, I think it's what made him all evil!"  
"This is enough to make anyone evil." said Aisha solemnly.  
"That is true." said Gene. "But...Why isn't it working on Suzuka? Why isn't she insane and evil? Has she built up an immunity?"  
"Hey guys, I'm back." said Suzuka, walking into the room drenched in blood and looking grumpy. "You wouldn't believe what happened. I was out there doing the usual business, you know, slaughtering innocent children like pigs for money. But then suddenly I realize: 'Whoa! I forgot my sword!' So I have to BEAT the children to death with their own ARMS to make them die! Can you believe that? And as if that wasn't enough, I kept on rupturing their arteries! Sure, THEY get a slow and  
painful death, but what do I get? Covered in their putrid life essence, that's what! Gah! I need to go let off some tension on some elderly people, this day has my nerves all shot. Where's my club?"  
"Suzuka, have you built up an immunity to your Everclear CDs? How can you listen to them without going insane?" asked Gene. "Your resistence to their crap astounds us all."  
"You found my Everclear CDs?" asked Suzuka. "Give them to me or I'll gut you."  
"I guess it's safe." said Gene. "You obviously aren't insane at all, so I guess you can have them. What do you think, Aisha?"  
"Definitely. Nobody in the whole universe is more sane than Suzuka." said Aisha, handing Suzuka the CDs.  
"I missed you, oh lovely CDs." said Suzuka softly, caressing them and whispering sweet nothings to them. "We shall never be apart now. Nothing will come between us. It is you and I forever, my lovelies."  
"Yep, I think we made the right decision." said Gene warmly. Suddenly the telephone rang.  
"I'll get it." said Aisha calmly, walking over and picking up the phone. "Hello? Oh, hey. What? No. No. Sick. What the hell is wrong with you? Oh my god, that's so disgusting! How the hell did you get this number! Oh my god, I'm gonna throw up! Seriously, shut up man! Isn't that illegal! Oh, yeah. She's here." Aisha covered the mouthpiece and looked at Suzuka. "It's Susan."  
"Susan? What does she want?" asked Suzuka.  
"You want me to tell you? In a R rated story? Yeah, right." said Aisha.  
"Point taken." said Suzuka, taking the phone from Aisha. "Hello? Susan?"  
"Hey there, Suzuka!" said Susan's voice. "What's cooking, good looking?"  
"Nothing." said Suzuka. "I smell something burning though...GENE, THE ENGINE!"  
"Nothing to worry about!" said Gene, putting out the 10-foot flames erupting from the Party Ship's engine with a fire extinguisher. "Still lights up like that every once in a while. Can't seem to figure it out yet."  
"What's that?" asked Susan. "Something on fire besides my heart? For YOU, baby?"  
"Don't call me baby." said Suzuka.  
"Okay then, sexy goddess of love." said Susan.  
"Don't call me that either." siad Suzuka. "Is there a point to this call, or did you just call to bother me?"  
"Both." said Susan. "Wanna go out dancing? We don't have to call it a date if you don't want to. We could call it a lively outing between two old friends. We could even pretend to be checking out guys if that'd make you feel better about it. What do you say?"  
"UGH!" said Suzuka, slamming down the phone. "She's so stupid, doesn't she get the hint? WHERE THE HELL IS MY CLUB, GENE!"  
"Your club? You mean the one with the spikes?" said Gene.  
"I wasn't thinking about that one, but actually that sounds really nice." said Suzuka. "Very relaxing. Where is it?"  
"I think it's in the garage next to the exercise machine." said Gene.  
"Kay. Later." said Suzuka, heading out the door.  
"Guess I'd better call Susan back then." said Aisha. "Suzuka was in such a hurry she forgot to tell Susan that she wanted to go!"  
"Yeah, it'd suck if the news never got to her and Suzuka was kept waiting all night." Gene agreed.  
"Hello? Yeah, Susan, it's Aisha. Suzuka wants you to pick her up at 6 tonight. She'd also like it if you wore something sexy, dress like a lingerie model. Or a playboy bunny. Or put on some glasses, tie your hair up, and go for the shy and introverted spinster look. Suzuka likes it when her women play hard to get. Yeah, no problem. No, no that's perfectly fine. Really, you don't need to repay in a 'sexful' way, I'm just fine. Buhbye now."  
"Suzuka doesn't know just how much we do for her." said Gene, satisfied.  
"What would she do without us?" asked Aisha.

Wow, I'm feeling sick. You'd be amazed at how sick I feel right now. I feel sick. I wonder how good a chapter I can do on this level of sickness. I bet I can make a really great one. Let's find out. So anyways they were on da Geomancer. You know what? This isn't working. I'm going to sleep. Okay, it's the next day and I'm feeling better. Not much better, mind you. I could still fill up Lake Michigan with my mucous, but at least it's not the Indian Ocean anymore. So here they are on this fine and dandy Geomancer. Hazanko, Tobeigera, Leilong, and Jukei were hanging out.  
"Tobeigera, shut up." said Hazanko. "Nobody cares about your new invention!"  
"Yeah, right. It's PENGUIN PENCIL POPS, man." said Tobeigera. "Handy #2 pencils with penguin-shaped lollipops on the end for classroom snacking!"  
"I think you're an idiot." said Leilong.  
"Go kill yourself and save us the trouble." said Jukei.  
"You guys would miss me if I left and you know it!" yelled Tobeigera, whipping out his escape raft and trying to inflate it.  
"God, not AGAIN." moaned Hazanko, putting his face in his hands.  
"You'll all (huff) regret (puff) making fun of me!" huffed and puffed Tobeigera into the raft. "One day you'll (wheeze) see how important I (huff) am to this place!"  
"Hey guys, what's up?" asked Iraga, entering the room. She glanced at Tobeigera. "AGAIN? That's the fourth time this week!"  
"Yeah." said Leilong as Tobeigera passed out from lack of oxygen. "I can't believe him."  
"What if he actually does it one day, Hazanko?" asked Jukei. "What will we do?"  
"Don't speak of such things. He will never do it." said Hazanko darkly.  
"It would be oh so horrible if he did!" said Leilong, shuddering.  
"Bah. Keep your wits about you. We're headed for the Galactic Leyline and you need to be on your toes!" said Hazanko.  
"THE WHAT!" yelled Jukei.  
"How do you expect to get us to the Leyline's new relocated position!" asked Iraga.  
"Well, it's a funny story actually." said Hazanko. "I was cleaning out the Geomancer's glove compartment, and there were a bunch of old maps and stuff in there. Well, I was looking over, planning the location for the next Anten summer vacation, when I see KOA's Galactic Leyline camping guide! It had directions and everything!"  
"What'd you do next?" asked Leilong.  
"I jumped up and clicked my heels together." said Hazanko.  
"Oh." said Leilong.  
"Yeah, it was pretty awesome." agreed Hazanko. "So put on you Galactic Leyline fan club t-shirts everybody!"  
"Awwww...do we have to?" moaned Jukei. "Everyone's gonna know we're tourists!"  
"No they won't! Whatever gave you that idea?" said Hazanko indignantly.  
"You always make us wear these really stupid looking outfits whenever we go on vacation." said Iraga. "They generally either get us branded as tourists or idiots."  
"Psh. Give a specific example." said Hazanko.  
"How about when we went to Germany and you dressed us all in Nazi uniforms?" asked Leilong.  
"We got a lot of reactions!" said Hazanko defensively.

"Rise and shine, sleepy toad." said Ron, shining a flashlight into Harry's eyes.  
"Wh-what happened?" asked Harry.  
"You sucked out your own brains." said Ron, helping Harry to sit up.  
"But me and Hilda rebuilt you."  
"Wow, how convenient to the plot." said Harry.  
"Yep. Not only that, but you're a navigation system now!" said Ron.  
"You're a navigation system! Isn't that wonderful, Harry?"  
"Navigation system? But I wanted to be a FIREMAN!" sobbed Harry.  
"Navigation systems are BETTER!" insisted Ron.  
"I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT! AN ASTRONAUT!" shrieked Harry.  
"Harry, this is the space age. Everyone's an astronaut." said Ron.  
"Then I've accomplished my life goal!" yelled Harry, jumping on his bed. "What should I do now?"  
"How about being a navigation system?" asked Ron.  
"Sounds great!" cheered Harry, giving Ron a thumbs up.  
"Wonderful." said Ron.  
"Well, I've just got the sudden urge to FLY US TO THE GALACTIC LEYLINE!" yelled Harry joyfully.  
"Galactic Leyline? What makes you wanna go there?" asked Ron.  
"Call it a MESSAGE FROM ABOVE!" said Harry. "Or poor writing. Let's get going!"  
"Alrighty then! Let's make this room our SECRET BASE!" said Hilda giddily. "Let's clear out all this trash!"  
"What trash? This stuff'll be WORTH SOMETHING someday!" said Ron, picking up an antiquated troll doll.  
"That's nonsense." said Harry. "What about this picture of someone else's family you picked up at a garage sale?"  
"It's a lovely conversation piece for if we actually meet any of these people!" said Ron.  
"And this dead and decaying babysitter? Gah, TACKY!" said Hilda, lifting up the babysitter's corpse.  
"Whoa, she actually died?" asked Harry, running over to examine her.  
"I was thinking she was some sort of immortal being."  
"Nope, she's definitely dead." said Ron, checking her pulse.  
"I can't believe she's really gone!" sobbed Harry, collapsing onto her.  
"Yuck! Don't, you'll get dried and caked blood on your newly-washed shirt!" said Ron.  
"I don't care! I can't let go of her this easily! She was like...like family!" cried Harry.  
"I know this is hard for you, Harry." said Ron. "But she died slowly and horribly over a timespan of 6 months. She felt lots and lots of pain. Most likely every moment for her was torment. She died alone and without a single friend. But at leas-"  
"Wow, thanks! I feel way better!" said Harry happily, standing up. "Galactic Leyline or bust!"  
"I choose bust!" said Hilda joyfully.  
"Shut up, Hilda." said Ron. "Anyways Harry, get in your navigation fish tank. Good thing we're on board our ship!"  
"No you aren't. You're on MY ship." said Hilda.  
"Don't let him hear you say that!" Ron whispered.  
"What are you talking abou-AIGH!" shrieked Hilda as I smacked her with a fish the size of Delaware.  
"Haha, no way that would fit on board this ship!" chuckled Harry. I smacked him too, then I took off.  
"Now you see! Now you see what happens when you point out plot holes!" said Ron, enraged. He calmed down and sat in the pilot's seat of his ship, the newly christened Lovin' Spoonful. "Now...isn't it GREAT how we're on board our ship?"  
"Yes..." moaned Harry.  
"But what about Horus!" sobbed Hilda. "Oh Horus, you are gone now but I'll be with you soon!" Hilda stabbed herself in the stomach.  
"Oh my god!" yelped Ron.  
"Damnation!" yelled Hilda, tossing the now-broken knife aside. "I'm wearing my stupid suicide-protection stomach guard again!" She stood up and shook a fist at the heavens. "NEXT TIME, I WON'T BE SO LUCKY! MARK MY WORDS!"

"Ah, is that you, Miss Suzuka?" inquired a familiar looking face.  
"Eh? What do you want?" asked Suzuka.  
"You don't recognize me? It's me, your old psychologist. Dr. Defret." said Dr. Defret.  
"That's right. You're the guy with the stupid jibberish name that JHeman just pulled out of thin air and now regrets." said Suzuka.  
"You bet I am!" said Dr. Defret. "Suzuka, you look like you need someone to talk to."  
"Do I?" asked Suzuka. "What makes you say that?"  
"I dunno, you just seem to be unsettled and feeling a little off." said Dr. Defret. "Can't put my finger on what it could be. Look Suzuka, I really must talk to you. Come with me." said Dr. Defret.  
"Uh, what should I do with this old guy?" asked Suzuka.  
"Stop gouging out my eyes, you little punk!" said some old guy whose eyes were being gouged by Suzuka. "If you didn't just blind me, you'd be sorry! I used to be in the navy, you know! I'd tear you apart!"  
"Just kill him or let him go or something." said Dr. Defret. "I really must talk to you alone."  
"I'll put him right back where I found him." said Suzuka, putting him back in the burning building she rescued him from, then walking with Dr. Defret to his office.  
"Come in, sit down." said Dr. Defret.  
"There's no chairs." Suzuka pointed out.  
"The floor's clean." said Defret rudely.  
"Uh, okay." said Suzuka, stretching out on the floor. Defret sat crosslegged next to her, clipboard in hand.  
"Now then, tell me about your violence." said Defret.  
"Violence! VIOLENCE!" yelled Suzuka, jumping up and smashing one of the windows with Defret's table lamp. "I HAVE NO VIOLENCE!"  
"If you say so!" said Defret cheerfully, writing 'NOT VIOLENT' on his clipboard. "Now, I want you to tell me about your love life."  
"Love life? What love life?" said Suzuka, laying back down on the floor. "This guy who I dated once and like a lot thinks I hate him. Also, my first sexual experience in 4 years came from the weirdo who killed my family. I'm not even going to get INTO the horribly unwanted sexual tension between me and Ais-"  
"Weirdo who killed your family?" asked Defret. "I thought YOU killed your family."  
"Did you? What made you think that?" asked Suzuka.  
"You told me something along those lines last time we talked." said Dr. Defret. "Ah well, forget it. I must be mistaken."  
"Must be." said Suzuka.  
"Now then, this is going to be the biggest step in our therapy." said Defret. "I want you to have a long, intense flashback into your childhood."  
"What do you mean?" asked Suzuka.  
"Just flash back. You can press your eyeballs for the cheesy flashback technique if you want." said Defret.  
"Well, okay." gulped Suzuka, pressing hard on her eyeballs. There was a flash of color, and suddenly she felt herself lying on concrete rather than Defret's thick shag carpet.  
"Excellent. It worked." said Defret, extending a hand and helping Suzuka to stand up. Suzuka stood up and looked around.  
"Wh-what the hell? Where am I?" asked Suzuka.  
"How would I know? You tell me. It's YOUR memory." said Defret.  
"Oh. Right." said Suzuka. She looked around. She was at a lighthearted school-type area, in front of the building. She quickly decided that it was a school. "This is my middle school."  
"Ah, I see." said Defret, jotting something down on his clipboard. "Is that you, over there?"  
Suzuka looked. It was indeed her. Yeah, Suzuka in a schoolgirl uniform. I hereby give you all permission to drool. "Yup, that's me. Hey, what the hell are you doing here? This is MY flashback."  
"Never mind that." said Defret. "And who's that with you? Friend of yours?" He pointed to an attractive brown-haired girl Suzuka was talking with.  
"Yeah, that's Susan. I've known her since the day after my parents died." said Suzuka. "She's been a good friend."  
"I see, I see." said Defret, writing frantically. They both watched as the scene from Suzuka's memories unfolded.  
"So Suzuka, how'd your new weight loss plan work out?" asked Young Susan, sitting on a small wall.  
"Not very well." said Young Suzuka, leaning against the wall. "I couldn't find anyone to give me a ride to the Organ Donation Center."  
"Oh well, it's probably for the better." said Susan. "You know Suzuka, you really don't need to lose weight at all. You look great. You're really slim, and you have nice hips and an ample bust. You're perfect, so don't worry about your weight."  
"You're creepy." said Young Suzuka. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were a lesbian or something."  
"You always say that, sexy." Susan chuckled warmly, and they high fived.  
"Uh oh, here come Jukei, Hitoriga, and Leilong. The biggest womanizers in school." said Suzuka. "Quick, act unnatractive!"  
"Hey there ladies!" chuckled Young Hitoriga.  
"Hey sexy, how'd you like to kiss me and give me oral sex?" said Young Leilong to Susan.  
"You mean like I did to your mom last night?" asked Susan.  
"Ooooh, feisty eh?" laughed Leilong.  
"I wasn't kidding." said Susan. "I've got her phone number but now that I've scored with her I never intend to call her back."  
"You...You evil bitch!" yelled Leilong, dropping to the ground and crying.  
"No! He's down! He's down!" yelled Jukei, helping Leilong to his feet.  
"We'll be back! Don't forget it!" yelled Hitoriga, as they ran off. "Hey Tobeigera, give me all your lunch money!"  
"Ah, yes. Those were good times indeed." said Old Suzuka fondly. "Wish I could return to those times of simplicity, without a care in the worl-"  
"By the way Susan, I'm moving somewhere else for high school, and I'm going to leave you and all my other friends behind." said Young Suzuka.  
"Oh...oh my god...Are you serious?" said Susan shocked.  
"I'm-I'm so sorry Susan!" sobbed Young Suzuka, collapsing into her arms.

"There there, we'll get through this. It's only for a few years." said Susan, patting Suzuka on the back and wiping some tears from her own eyes.  
"Oh Susan, you're such a good friend." choked Young Suzuka. "I'll miss you so, so much."  
"I'll always be with you, Suzuka. In your heart and in your mind." said Susan warmly, embracing her.  
"Well gee." said Old Suzuka. "So much for not having a care in the world."

"Okay, let's see." said Susan, pacing back and forth in front of the door to the Party Ship's base. It was an overcast mellow day, mainly because those are the best days. No bright and annoying sun shining in your face. Just filtered light coming through the clouds, settling on everything and giving a sweet, sleepy mood to everything. Lovely, lovely. Anyways, Susan pulled a small mirror out of her purse and began using it for the purpose of looking at herself. "Hair: Perfect. Lipstick: Pretty, but soft and unimposing. Skirt: Classy. Top: Sexy without looking slutty. Shoes: Don't really matter at all." She put away her mirror. "This one's gonna be a cinch." She rang the doorbell.  
"Oh, hey there Susan." said Aisha, opening the door.  
"Hey beautiful, is Suzuka ready for our date?" asked Susan with lust in her voice.  
"Nah, she's not home yet." said Aisha. "She went off killing people and never came back. Come on in, I'll get you something to drink while you wait."  
Susan giggled and walked inside as Aisha went to the kitchen. "Such a lovely hostess!"  
"I used to do it for a living." said Aisha. She sighed fondly. "I looked really hot in that waitress uniform."  
"I bet you did!" said Susan, taking off her clothes and spreading out on the couch.  
"Okay, here's your drink!" said Aisha happily, walking back into the room. "I hope you like Dr. Peppe-OH MY GOD!"  
"What?" asked Susan.  
"You're naked!" said Aisha, shielding her eyes.  
"Yep." said Susan, walking over to Aisha. "Do I turn you on?"  
"Well YEAH, but that's no reason to get naked!" said Aisha.  
"Yes it is." said Susan, lowering Aisha's arm. "Covering your eyes won't make me go away, Aisha. You know you want me. Just...give in!" She closed her eyes and tilted her head upwards for a kiss.  
"N-no! Go away!" said Aisha, backing up.  
"Just let go, Aisha." said Susan, moving forward and groping Aisha's chest. "Pretend I'm Suzuka if that makes you feel better."  
"Knock it off, I'm starting to feel slightly uncomfortable!" said Aisha, slapping Susan. "Go wait outside. You had your chance."  
"What! But it's cold outside!" said Susan. "I'll freeze my ears off!"  
"I don't really care." said Aisha, shoving her towards the door.  
"But I need my ears! I need them for listening!" said Susan, stumbling as Aisha pushed her outside, totally nude.  
"I'm telling Suzuka about this too." said Aisha. "Cheating is wrong, you bad person."  
"Hey, no! Don't do that!" said Susan, as Aisha slammed the door in her face. "OH MY GOD, I CAN FEEL IT HAPPENING!"  
"Later, Susan." said Susan's ears. "We're cold. We're going to move onto someone else, someone who takes care of their ears!"  
"I take care of you!" said Susan. "I love you!"  
"Oh, is that why you blast JOHN COUGAR-FUCKING-MELLENCAMP into us 24-7!" asked the ears, rolling their eyes.  
"I think he's got a nice voice!" said Susan defensively.  
"That does it! We're outta here!" said her ears, jumping off her head with slight popping noises. They leaped into the gutter and disappeared.  
"Nooooo!" said Susan, dropping to the gorund and reaching down the abyss as far as she could. "I cleaned you! DAILY!" She leaned back and cried into her hands. She cried the tears of someone who'd just lost everything. Their girlfriend. Their car keys (earlier that day). She was crying the tears you cry, when even your ears have left you. That is when you are truly alone.

"Jeez, yurn down your headphones!" said Young Suzuka. "Your ears will get tired of it and run away if you don't!"  
"Psh, you sound like my mom!" laughed Young Susan.  
"Your mom tells you that too?" asked Young Suzuka. "Crazy. Anyways, we're in the middle of class. You wouldn't want Mr. Kahn to be mad at y-"  
"WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS TALKING ABOUT!" yelled a younger-looking Gwen  
Kahn, walking over to them.  
"We were talking about our ears getting mad at us and running away." answered Susan truthfully.  
"Don't get smart with me! Now work on your self-portraits!" demanded Kahn.  
"You don't have to be all snippy with us just because you're a third-rate middle school art teacher and you wanted a teaching job as a college professor in physics or whateve-" started Suzuka angrily.  
"Be quiet! I could have you suspended for that kind of insulting behavior!" said Kahn. "And is this self-portrait really how you percieve youself?" He pointed at Suzuka's self portrait, a huge mound of clay with a tiny head on top.  
"No." sighed Suzuka, looking at the blob. "I ran out of clay, and that's as fat as I could make it. Sorry."  
"I guess it'll do." sighed Kahn. "You really need to talk to the school counselor about you unconfidence in your weight, Twilight. You worry me. CLASS DISMISSED!"  
"But the bell didn't even ring." said Susan. "It's 15 minutes before class ends."  
"Forget you! Class is over!" said Kahn.  
"Well, okay." shrugged Susan, and everyone left. Susan and Suzuka walked to their lockers and began packing their bags.  
"So Suzu, last day of school, eh?" asked Susan, lighting fire to everytihng in her locker. "Doing anytihng cool this summer?"  
"Fraid not, I'm heading out to that new high school right afterschool today." said Suzuka. "Moving to an all new town, I wanna get the feel of it before I go to school there this fall."  
"What! But I thought we had plans!" demanded Susan.  
"Plans? No we didn't." said Suzuka, examining her fingernails.  
"We do now!" yelled Susan, dropping to one knee and pulling a ring out of her pocket. "Twilight Suzuka, will you marry me!" Time seemed to freeze, and that moment was stretched to infinity.  
"Hey! What's happening!" demanded the Older Suzuka. "Why's time freezing!"  
"Uh oh, the flashback's wearing off!" said Defret. "Quick, press your eyeballs again! Don't worry, you've already done irreversible damage to them anyway." Older Suzuka pressed her eyeballs really hard and time started going again.  
"What was that?" whispered Young Suzuka.  
"Suzuka, I love you. I always have." said Susan softly, standing up and putting the ring on Suzuka's finger. "And I want to be with you forever." Susan looked into Suzuka's eyes, but she shut them quickly and turned away.  
"Susan, have you gone insane!" said Suzuka, panically, taking her ring off and shoving it back into Susan's hands. "Is this your idea of a sick joke?"  
Susan looked at Suzuka, and tears started to well up in her eyes. "My feelings for you are NOT a joke! I thought you felt the same way! I thought you cared about me, but I guess now I know I was wrong!" She kneeled down in the hallway and started crying.  
Suzuka looked startled, and kneeled in front of her. "Susan, I DO care about you! I love you more than anyone else in the world!" said Suzuka. "You're the greatest friend I've ever had!"  
Susan looked at Suzuka, sniffling. "You mean that?"  
"Yes I mean that!" said Suzuka. "But this, this is just too much for me. I don't love you like a lover, I love you like a friend."  
"Like a friend, huh?" asked Susan, standing up and wiping her tears. "Will you do something for me then? A favor for a friend, before you walk out of my life forever?"  
"Of course I will!" said Suzuka, standing up also, and hugging Susan.  
"Then before you go, let's go on a date." said Susan, whispering into Suzuka's ear. "A simple date, just this once. Please?" Suzuka backed up and looked Susan in the eyes. "I guess, just this once. For you."  
"Awww, Suzuka! Thank you!" said Susan happily, kissing Suzuka on the cheek.  
"Eeek! That was uncalled for!" said Young Suzuka, turning red. She followed Susan outside.  
Older Suzuka sighed and sat down, watching her younger self and Susan run off on their date. "Of course. And that's how it happened."  
"Hmmm?" asked Defret, turning away from the scene to look at her. "How what happened?"  
"Me and Susan got...involved, I guess you could say." said Suzuka, looking far off. "I never did go on to that high school. Neither did she go on to hers. We ran away together, that's how I found the assassin guild where I met Ninja Monkey Yah Hoo Hah. However, the guild entrance requirements were strict. They didn't accept her, but they accepted me. I had to make a decision. To stop being an outcast from civilization and try making something of myself, or to stay with the person I loved."  
"And you chose..." said Dr. Defret quietly, his voice trailing off. Suzuka stood up. She and Defret silently watched the hallways empty of students, until she and Defret were the only ones left. The sun sank behind the far-off horizon, and darkness crept into the room.  
"I've had enough." said Suzuka, barely whispering. "Get me out of here."  
"Very well." said Defret, unaware of any comforting words to give to Suzuka. The hallway shimmered around them and turned back into Defret's bare, couchless office. He put an arm on her shoulder as sheheaded for the door. "I want you to know you can come back and see me any time you want, Suzuka." he said softly.  
"I know. Thank you." said Suzuka. She turned around., and reached into a pocket (on her robe?), and pulled out a small wallet (do girls use wallets?) "I nearly forgot, how much did I owe you?"  
"Nothing." said Defret warmly. "This one's on me."  
"Ah, well, thanks again." said Suzuka. "I'm sure I'll be back."  
"I hope you will!" said Defret.

"Why no, I don't want to go with you to the rodeo, Fred." said Gene. There was a long pause. "I don't care HOW much money you're raking in with your newfound success as a porn star! I'm not-" The door opened and Suzuka walked in, shivering.  
"Yay! Suzu's back!" said Aisha cheerfully, running over to the door and welcoming her in. "Did you have fun?"  
"So...cold..." shivered Suzuka, her teeth chattering and her face blue.  
"You look like you could use some ice cream, Suzu." said Aisha warmly. "We've got it in two varieties: Cold, and EXTRA COLD!" She stuffed some ice cream into Suzuka's mouth.  
"Need...hot water..." moaned Suzuka. "I can't feel my...arms."  
"You look drowsy! Maybe you need a cold shower to perk you up!" said Aisha brightly, dumping a bucket of ice cold water onto Suzuka's head.  
"Look Fred, I said no and yes is my answer!" said Gene sternly. "I mean, no is my answer! SHUT UP! And turn off your damn deedly dee honky tonky jubilee piskalottle! It's scarin' my chickens! No buts!" Gene hung up the phone. He looked at Suzuka. "Hey Suzuka! What's new?"  
"Hypothermia...invading lungs...argh." she moaned, collapsing on the ground.  
"OH MY GOD! Quick, load her into the carbon freezing chamber!" said Gene.  
"Can do!" said Aisha, and they picked up Suzuka and prepared to load her into their carbon freezing chamber, when suddenly...  
"BUM BA BUM BUM!" yelled Ninja Monkey Ya Hoo Hah, crashing through the window. The Arby's Mitten followed.  
"Argh! It's the mitten gang!" yelled Gene, sprouting a moustache.  
"Don't worry! We come in peace!" said The Arby's Mitten, curing Suzuka's hypothermia and reviving her with his Super Arbytron Beam.  
"Nice moustache, Gene." said Ninja Monkey Ya Hoo Hah with great admiration.  
"Thanks, It's newly sprouted." said Gene, stroking his moustache.  
"So what are you guys doing here?" asked Suzuka, stroking Gene's moustache.  
"Well, we've got Kick Pow Smack Poof right where we want him." said Ninja Monkey. "He won't even see us coming. It's a very remote part of the galaxy. No one knows about it except for us three, as far as we know."  
"So how are we going to get there?" asked Aisha.  
"The Arby's Mitten here will fly ahead of the ship and lead us there. You guys just have to follow him." said Ninja Monkey.  
"Sounds good." said Gene. "Where are we headed to, anyway?"  
"The Galactic Leyline!" said The Arby's Mitten.  
"DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNNN!" said Ninja Monkey.  
"Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet." said Gene.  
"Totally." said Suzuka.  
"Inspiring." said Aisha.  
"Two thumbs up." said Ninja Monkey.  
"Eccentric, and delightful." said The Arby's Mitten.

TO BE CONCLUDED!

And that's all for this chapter. Get outta here, and don't touch the clams on the way out! They can get rather testy! Any final words, Jet? (long pause) JET! (long pause) Jet? (long pause) OH MY GOD! You've run away, haven't you! (picks up note) I'll read this note out loud, while you do a wistful, Hollywood-style voice over!

Jet: Dear JHeman. While my work on Outlaw Star has been rewarding, and my work on the Party Ship has been...uh...special, the time has come to say goodbye. The time has come to make some changes in my career, and decide on just what I want to do with my life. Therefore, I am moving to Sea World to become a dolphin. Those dolphins get free food, plus room and board, all for the simple price of jumping through a hoop. I can do that, no problem! Lots of love, Jet.

NOOOOOOOO! Jet! How dare you leave me! Boo hoo HOOOOO hoo hoo! (cries) I thought we was mates! Guess I know better than to trust anyone ever again, huh! Oh well everyone, next chapter is the big one. The big conclusive hoochadoodee that'll zip this thingy up. Don't miss it, or you will be square! I hope...that I can tolerate life without my assistant and co-host...Boo hoo. A boo hoo hoo. Hoo. (Snort).


	26. The Party Ends

"Gene Starwind. Aisha ClanClan. Twilight Suzuka. Melfina. Ron  
MacDougall. Harry MacDougall. Hot-Ice Hilda. The Arby's Mitten. Ninja  
Monkey Yah Hoo Hah. Kick Pow Smack Poof. Gwen Kahn. Hazanko. Dave The  
Sunglasses Guy. Hamushi. Tobeigera. Iraga. Hitoriga. Toby. Jukei.  
Leilong. Hanmyo. Fred. The Party Ship. The Geomancer. The Lovin'  
Spoonful. Very well then, the cast is assembled. I will show you what  
the Galactic Leyline is-"  
Okay Aisha, that's enough.  
Aisha: What? Bust I was just getting starrrteeeed! (whine, complain)  
Sorry, but Jet just does it with...more pizzazz. Thanks anyways.  
Aisha: Well, okay.  
You ready? This is the big final episode. Know your part and everything?  
Aisha: Boy, do I!  
I don't like the sound of that. Did Suzuka make another last-minute change to the script as a practical joke, not telling me about it?  
Aisha: Psh. NAAAAHHHH.  
Okay, good. Well folks, this is the big one. The doozie. The last of all lasts. After this ends, it will be over. Yeah. I know I should say something heartwarming here, but we'll save that for a little later. For now, just enjoy the feature presentation, and thanks for reading.

"ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN!" yelled Gene, stepping off the Party Ship and onto the Galactic Whatever. "ONE GIANT LEAP FOR KIND MEN!"  
"It's 'mankind'." said Suzuka.  
"Psh, your FACE is mankind!" said Gene, insultingly.  
"Ouch! Total diss!" said Aisha.  
"OOOOooooooooo..." said Ninja Monkey, in a 'Golly, that was below the belt!' sort of way.  
"Oh, oh yeah! Well, YOUR face is...is..." Suzuka said, glancing around. "AISHA'S face!"  
"OOOOOoooooooo..." said Aisha. "You gonna take that, Gene!"  
"Hell no, I'm not gonna take that." said Gene, gritting his teeth. He put some boxing gloves on. "You and me, Suzuka. Right now. C'mon, let's go! Hooh! Hah! Fwa!" He swung some punches that were 20 feet short of hitting Suzuka.  
"Alright people, let's not get unruly." said the Arby's Mitten. "We're at the Galactic Leyline but our troubles aren't over! We need to be on the lookout for Kick Pow Smack Poof at all times!"  
"He's got a point." said Ninja Monkey. "We should set up camp here for the night. Suzuka, you and me will pitch the tents. Gene, go look for firewood. Arby's Mitten, hunt us some wild animals to use for food."  
"Hey, we've got food and provisions in the Party Ship." said Suzuka. "Extra beds too, why don't we all just stay in there?"  
"Sh! Sh!" said Ninja Monkey quickly. "You hear that?"  
"No. What do you hear?" whispered Suzuka.  
"Sounds like...People playing backgammon in the nude." said Ninja Monkey slowly. "Strange..."  
"We'd better go check it out." said Suzuka, readying her sword.  
"Yes. Let's g-" said Ninja Monkey, but just then Hitoriga and his good buddy Toby came crashing out of the huge steel bush whatevers that grow specifically in The Galactic Leyline. They were totally nude.  
"Heh heh!" said Hitoriga, being all tough. "I THOUGHT I heard some young fool interrupting our nude backgammon competition! Toby!"  
"You said it Hitoriga!" said Toby, acting tough as well. "Little kids like these shouldn't mess with the Laramie Clan! Huh huh!"  
"This is really, really stupid." said Suzuka. "What in tar's name are you doing here, sackhead?"  
"Why, if it isn't Suzuka!" said Hitoriga. "Kiss me!"  
"No! Yargh!" said Suzuka, cutting his head off.  
"...Uh. Wow." said Gene, as blood shot out of Hitoriga's neck all over Suzuka, Ninja Monkey, and Toby.  
"No! My good chum!" said Toby. He stood up and glared at Suzuka.  
"You'll pay for this, you coldhearted wench!"  
"And just who are you?" asked Suzuka mildly.  
"Bah, you fool!" yelled Toby. "I am TOBY! I am the only person alive who has ever been to hell and back! I am the master!"  
"You suck! You're nobody's master!" said Suzuka insultingly.  
"Argh! Well I never!" said Toby, stapling Hitoriga's head back onto it's body. "There you go buddy! Good as new, except for how you're not as good as you used to be and all that!"  
"Thanks dude, I owe you." said Hitoriga, his head now attatched a little crookedly.  
"No problem." said Toby. "Now let's show these little punks what happens when you intrude on LARAMIE TURF!"  
"The fight has truly begun!" said Hitoriga, turning his baseball cap backwards and getting all tough.  
"You look stupid in baseball caps." commented Gene, stroking his moustache. "You look like a 6 year old at a baseball game."  
"I do not!" said Hitoriga angrily. "PAGAWAFJEIFHSLR! PAGAWAFUDDRUCKERS!" Hitoriga transformed into Rosie O' Donnell.  
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, puking.  
"ARGH!" yelled Toby, putting Hitoriga's sack back on. "I know you love your vicious ability of looking like scary people...but that was uncalled for."  
"Fine then." said Hitoriga.  
"And give me the baseball cap, dude." said Toby slowly.  
"NO! I LOOK BADASS WITH BASEBALL CAPS!" said Hitoriga, freaking out.  
"Calm down and give me the cap, man." said Toby in a talking-to-looney-people voice. This was perfect, considering he was talking to a looney person.  
"Whoa! It's the Geomancer!" said Hitoriga, wisely changing the subject so he could keep his hat.  
"NO! LEILONG, LEFT! LEFT! NOW BACK UP! NO NO NO NO!" came Hazanko's terrified voice from inside the airborne Geomancer, which was currently swaying around and swirling stupidly. "Put the cell phone away! And stop shearing sheep! You can't do both that and driving at once!"  
"Great, now he's got ME doing it!" moaned Hamushi, amidst sheep shearing buzz noises.  
"Oh, well this is just swell!" sighed Jukei, as more sheep shearing noises kicked in. "Just when I finally kicked the habit!"  
"How are we hearing all this from the planet's surface?" wondered Gene.  
"I don't really care to know." said Suzuka with a sigh. Somehow the Geomancer landed and the Anten Fellers Union emerged with thousands of sheep.  
"That's the last time I let Tobeigera do the shopping!" said Hazanko as the sheep swarmed over him.  
"They were on sale!" whined Tobeigera.  
"Well this is HORRIBLY PLOT CONVENIENT." whined Aisha. "Jeez, I'm sure JHeman can do better than this! REWRITE! I DEMAND A REWRITE!" Go away Aisha. My story. Hey, I think I'll do it again just to spite you.  
"I hate you." said Aisha, as The Lovin' Spoonful crashed next to her and the MacDougalls and Hilda emerged.  
"Nice planet ya got here!" said Ron, overjoyed.  
"ARRRRGH!" yelled Harry, as a sheep ate him. "Oh wait... I'm not really dead after all! Ha ha! (cough)"  
"I hate it all." said Aisha grumpily.  
"Okay, if all the wildly improbable plot holes are over..." sighed Ninja Monkey impatiently. "Can we just please get this chapter over with?"  
There was a long silence. An escape pod crashed next to them and Melfina emerged. "Hey guys!" she said cheerfully. "Happy to see me?"  
"This is just ridiculous." said Ninja Monkey.  
"AND MAYBE A FEW MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE!" I said insanely, as Dave The Sunglasses Guy and Fred popped out of thin air.  
"I say we declare a mutiny." said Suzuka. "This is the shoddiest writing of all time. What kind of lame finale is this?"  
"Okay, that does it." I said. "I'm changing your ending, Suzuka."  
"You wouldn't do that." said Suzuka confidently.  
"I'm writing it down right now in my notepad." I said. "Suzuka...dies...of...breast cancer."  
"Hey!" said Suzuka. "That's not cool!"  
"Then no more complaining." I said, tearing the sheet off my notepad and crumpling it up. "Carry on about your business. Pretend like I was never here." My voice from the heavens died down.  
"Uh, yeah. Anyways...WHY DOST THOU RETURN?" asked the Galactic Leyline Chick.  
"What the heck's that?" asked Aisha.  
"It's the voice of the Galactic Leyline." whispered Tobeigera, awestruck.  
"Whoa, awesome!" said Leilong, turning to him.  
"How'd you know that?" asked Ron. "You been here before or something?"  
"...You guys are all idiots." said Tobeigera.  
"WHY DOST THOU RETURN?" asked the Galactic Leyline, snatching up Melfina with it's lasers and taking her away.  
"Eeeeeeeeeee-Whoa! I'm high up! Tee Hee! EEEEEEEEEEEK!" screamed Melfina.  
"OKAY, FIRST TO MELFINA WINS." said the Galactic Leyline.  
"What do we win?" asked Hazanko.  
"PRIZES. A WISH OR SOMETHING." said the Galactic Leyline. "I'LL ONLY GRANT A WISH TO ONE LUCKY, LUCKY WINNER."  
"Alright!" sounds great!" said Aisha, kicking a sheep and making it explode in her excitement.  
"YEAH. KEEP IT HIGH-ENERGY, THIS IS FOR REALITY TV." said the Galactic Leyline. "GO."  
"Go?" asked Ron.  
"YUP. GO." said the Galactic Leyline. "HERE, I'LL TELEPORT YOU TO RANDOM PLACES IN GROUPS TO BE MORE CONNECTED TO THE ORIGINAL SERIES, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WAITING FOR."  
"Yeah, that'd be nice." said Suzuka. And so the Galatic Leyline teleported them, in groups of two, to different parts of the planet. The race! Was! ON!

"Cuh...cuh..." said the little girl slowly, reading off the blackboard.  
"Cuh-up." said Satan warmly, pointing at each part of the word as he spoke it. "Cuuup. CUP."  
"Cuh, cuh..." said the little girl, trying with all her might to say the word.  
"Come on Emily, you can do it!" said Satan supportively. "I know you can! Cuh-UP! Cup!"  
"Cuh...Cup!" said Emily happily, finally getting it right and breathing a sigh of relief. "CUP."  
"Good job, Emily!" said Satan proudly, hugging her. "I knew you could do it! Let's go get ice cream to reward you for doing such a great job!"  
"Yaaay!" giggled Emily, skipping around.  
"Awww, isn't that sweet!" said Emily's teacher. "Mr. Satan, I don't know how I can thank you enough for always coming down here."  
"It's really nothing, Ms. Johnson." said Satan. "You don't have to thank me, really."  
"Yes I do!" said Ms. Johnson. "The kids LOVE you, Satan! They're learning so much with you around to teach them, and it must be tough for you to squeeze your volunteer work here into your tight schedule!"  
"It's not really that tight, I have all eternity to get things done." said Satan. "But really, I love doing it. The kids are great, and I  
love being able to help them like this. There's so many people out there who have to suffer, it's really unfair."  
"That's kind of your fault, no offense." said Ms. Johnson.  
"None taken. In fact, that's exactly my point." said Satan. "I should be thanking YOU for giving me this opportunity, not the other way around. I mean, most people wouldn't like the Lord Of All That Is Sinful hanging around with their children. I like that you've given me a chance."  
"Oh! Well, um, no problem!" said Ms. Johnson, slightly taken aback by Satan's short speech.  
"Story, story!" yelled Johnny, a little boy. "Read us a story!"  
"I will when I get back, right now I have to take Emily to the ice cream stand!" chuckled Satan cheerfully.  
"Yay!" yelled Emily, hugging Satan. "I wuv you!"  
"Awwwww, that's so cute!" said Ms. Johnson. Suddenly a pillar of fire erupted in the middle of the room, and out stepped a greasy demon businessman.  
"Sorry to interrupt you during your volunteer work at Heiphon Elementary For Disabled Children, Lord Satan." said the greasy businessman. "But we have located the two escapees, Toby and Hitoriga."  
"Oh have you?" asked Satan glumly, looking down at Emily.  
"Yep, they're in the Galactic Leyline." said the businessman. "I believe that it's close enough to hell, dimensionally, for you to travel to without complication."  
"You don't say." sighed Satan. "Can't we just let 'em go? I mean, hell is a pretty nasty place and they were both very nice people, deep down..."  
"Um...Good one?" wondered the businessman, unsure of whether Satan was making a joke or not. "Go get 'em, pal." He disappeared into another column of fire.  
"I'm really sorry kids, but I have to go now." muttered Satan regretfully. "Duty calls."  
"When'll you be back?" asked Ms. Johnson.  
"Real soon. Real soon." said Satan mysteriously, and vanished with a whoosh of his cloak.

Aisha fizzled and appeared on a pathway. "Awesome! AWESOME! That was beyond awesome! It was...it was...so, SO awesome!"  
"Nooo! Kitties, come back! We must've been separated! Waaaaah!" cried Hanmyo, hopelessly lost without her kitties.  
Aisha looked at Hanmyo sadly, then walked over and put an arm around  
her. "Don't worry kiddo, your kitties are in a better place now." she  
said comfortingly.  
"R-really?" sniffled Hanmyo, wiping her tears.  
"Yes, my stomach." said Aisha. "They were very tender, I can tell you loved them a lot and took great care of them."  
"They were my...only true friends." said Hanmyo sadly.  
"If that's the only problem, then I'll be your new friend!" said Aisha happily, helping Hanmyo to her feet.  
"Really?" asked Hanmyo, overcome with happiness.  
"Of course!" said Aisha cheerfully. "Let's go to the Leything, new best friend!"  
"What are we gonna do there?" asked Hanmyo, excitedly writing about her new friend in her diary.  
"Glad you asked!" yelled Aisha, whipping Jim out of her pocket and shoving it into Hanmyo's hands. "That right there's my first true love, and I'm going to ask the Galactic Leybabe if she can bring him back to his human form!"  
"That's so romantic!" said Hanmyo dreamily. "I was in love once, you know! I only wish I knew his name..."  
"Yeah, yeah, that's great." said Aisha quickly. "I'm happy for you. I almost care. Now let's get outta here! We're losing valuable time!"  
"Yes sir, best ma'am friend!" yelled Hanmyo, and they took off running down the path.

"AAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHH!" yelled Hazanko, careening down a steep, rocky slope. He bashed against rocks and trees and sheep and lumber and anything else nature could throw at him.  
"OW! ARGH! OUCH! PAIN! OW! LEG! OWIE!" yelled Tobeigera, doing the same. They fell in that fashion for quite a while, stopping only when they rolled over a cliff and into the ravine below. They moaned, clutching their broken organs as they got up to their feet.  
"WHAT KINDA STUNT WAS THAT, YOU DERANGED MANIAC! TELEPORTING US TO  
AN OUT OF CONTROL ROCKY MOUNTAINSIDE! YOU OUGHTTA BE ASHAMED!" yelled Hazanko to the Galactic Leyline. He looked at Tobeigera. "AND  
TOBEIGERA AS MY PARTNER! IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A SICK JOKE?"  
"Lord Hazanko...I think my tummy is bleeding on the INSIDE." moaned Tobeigera, clutching his stomach in agony.  
"Psh, whiner." said Hazanko. "Come on, you sad sack of poo! We've got to get there before the bad guys do!"  
"But Lord Hazanko, what happens when our luck runs out?" asked Tobeigera. "We've had pretty good luck so far, but what-"  
"Good luck!" yelled Hazanko. "YOU CALL FALLING DOWN A ROCKY PRECIPICE GOOD LUCK!"  
"No, but I call surviving it good luck." said Tobeigera.  
"There is no one as lucky as I." said Hazanko, walking under a ladder. "I'm the king of good luck. You're in safe hands with me."  
"Are you sure?" asked Tobeigera, as a black cat darted out in front of them.  
"I sure am sure!" said Hazanko, emptying 13 shakers of salt as they walked. "You're just way too superstitious."  
"Well, if you say so." said Tobeigera. "Should I step on these cracks in the pathway?"  
"Sure!" said Hazanko, trampling the cracks firmly. "That'll teach 'em!"

"We're in a river!" yelled Ron, being washed downstream through some rapids. "We're in a river!"  
"Pop quiz! Who's in a river?" asked Hilda, accompanying Ron down the river.  
"Us!" shouted Ron, gasping for air.  
"Good job, you got it right!" said Hilda giddily.  
"Hey guys, how ya doin?" asked Gene, sounding relaxed, driving up to them on a steamboat.  
"Gene, let me on the boat!" yelled Ron.  
"Why?" asked Gene, sipping lemonade and watching Ron drown.  
"Because I'm drowning!" said Ron.  
"Well, because of that little remark, I don't think I'll let you on!" said Gene indignantly.  
"I didn't make a remark!" gubbled Ron.  
"Come on Hilda, climb aboard." said Gene, grabbing Hilda's arm and pulling her onto his steamboat. "Whoops, mind the moustache!"  
"Thanks Gene, you're the best!" said Hilda happily, hugging him.  
"Hilda dear, you're shivering!" siad Gene, taking on a 1920s era upperclass southern accent. "Why don't you go inside and warm yourself up in the ballroom? I'll have Bunsen make you tea."  
"You're such a gentleman!" said Hilda dreamily, as Gene escorted her inside the yacht's cabin.  
"I hate you both!" yelled Ron. "You're both horrible people! Why, I-OH NO, A WATERFALL! AAGAGGAGAHHHHHBLBLBLBLLBLBLBLAL!"  
"Did you hear something, Jameson?" inquired Gene of one of his butlers aboard the yacht.  
"Probably a squirrel, sir." said Jameson. "Another crumpet, miss?"  
"Gladly!" said Hilda, taking a crumpet off the silver platter. "Well then Gene, how is the plantation running?"  
"Splendid as usual, miss Hilda." said Gene, putting on a top hat.

"Okay, spread out." said Ninja Monkey. "He has to be around somewhere!"  
"What about the Leyline! I want wishes, damn you!" yelled Toby.  
"Destroying our enemy is priority one." said the Arby's Mitten. "If we don't get rid of him, the entire universe is in jeopardy!"  
"Psh, I'm ABOVE the universe!" said Toby. "Do you know who I am! I'm Toby! I could destroy you in the blink of an eye if I so desired! I posess dark powers of Satan, ones which you could only dream of! Whoever this enemy you're obsessing over is, I am bigger! I want wishes!"  
"Then go and get wishes." said Ninja Monkey. "We're not stopping you."  
"Never! I shall stand here and rant at you for as long as I please! For I am TOBY, and my personal desires are all that matter!" yelled Toby.  
"Glad to hear it." said the Arby's Mitten.  
"Aha!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof, dropping out of the sky and landing in front of them, with a rumble that shook the planet. He was more machine than human now, a horrible cyborg-sumo with the strength of thirty men.  
"Kick Pow! You are even more grotesque than when I last laid eyes on you!" said Ninja Monkey insultingly. "Do you really expect your body modifications to assist you in battle?"  
"Brave words, Ninja Monkey! Brave words indeed! Words you shall soon be eating!" said Kick Pow. He looked at the three of them. "Ah, so good to have my three greatest foes gathered together for me to easily slaughter!"  
"You're a fool to put so much false confidence in your abilities-" said the Arby's Mitten. He cut his sentence short and stared at Toby. "THREE greatest foes?"  
"Yes, indeed." said Toby, looking at Kick Pow Smack Poof with hatred.  
"We meet again. Going by Kick Pow Smack Poof now, are we? I kind of liked Howard."  
"I no longer go by that name." said Kick Pow Smack Poof. "And no one, certainly not a flea like you, will call me that."  
"This is certainly awkward." said Ninja Monkey. "How do you two know each other?"  
"I battled Howard here in the old days." said Toby. "That was over 1000 years ago. I was good, and he knew it. He knew he could never beat me, and that I'd always ruin his plans of universal domination. So he decided to take the easy route in destroying me."  
"Easy route, my foot." said Kick Pow. "Your father was nearly as great a warrior as you."  
"He killed my family. My father, my mother, and my little sister." said Toby, his eyes watering up. "He knew how important they all were to me, and he killed them, figuring I'd be in a weakened state in my grief."  
"Hah!" said Kick Pow. "And my plan worked a little too well! I didn't expect you to kill yourself over it! All the better. It certainly surprised me, though. Who'd have thought that the great Toby could be so weak?"  
"Shut up." said Toby, clenching his fists.  
"That stings, doesn't it? The great Toby was always heralded as an emotionless defender of justice, and the way you went out still haunts you. What was it you were telling people in hell? That you overdosed? Silly, silly." said Kick Pow. "I'm sure you saw your mother there. Do you think she'd be proud of you? Toby the Weak?"  
"Bastard!" yelled Ninja Monkey, drawing his sword.  
"No." said Toby, putting an arm in front of Ninja Monkey. "Leave this to me."  
"Hahahahaha!" laughed Kick Pow cruelly. "Do you really think you can beat me? A millenium of torture hasn't exactly suited you well. You're thin and gangly, nothing like the brawny Toby the Weak I used to battle."  
"Soon you'll learn..." said Toby, his fists starting to glow with a green flame, "That muscle isn't everything." Whoa, how totally badass and/or cheesy as heck.

"Ugh, this new body isn't very well suited to hiking long distances." said Iraga, panting.  
"Yes, you really didn't design the 'new you' with your occupation in mind, did you?" Gwen Kahn joked.  
"You're unfunny and stupid." said Iraga. "Are you trying to tell me that this was a BAD IDEA? Look at me! I'm gorgeous!"  
"Well, SURE." said Kahn, like Iraga was the dumbest person alive. "But you're also a mere shell of what you used to be! Don't you remember Iraga the firece fighter? The brutal competitor? Now you're a daisy."  
"A very SEXY daisy." said Iraga, whipping a mirror out of her trousers and admiring herself. Suddenly this cabbage flies out of nowhere and hits Iraga in the noggin!  
"Argh! Who's throwing produce!" yelled Iraga angrily, wiping chunks of soggy lettuce out of her eyes.  
"It's an ambush!" yelled Kahn, getting hit from behind with an eggplant.  
"Heh heh! Got 'em!" said Dave, slinging a grapefruit at Iraga.  
"Good one, Joshua!" agreed Hamushi, and they high fived.  
"Hey, what the heck are you idiots doing!" yelled Iraga, turning to face them. "His name's not Joshua!" "We know, but that's not stopping us!" yelled Hamushi, firing a cauliflower at Kahn from her Cauli-crossbow.  
"Argh!" yelled Kahn, collapsing with a slice of cauliflower embedded in his side.  
"No! He's down!" yelled Iraga, whipping a chunk of solid beef out of her pocket and hurling it at Dave and Hamushi.  
"PROTEIN! RUN!" yelled Dave, and they scattered as the beef exploded on their vantage point.  
"There, I think that disoriented them." said Iraga. She ran over and helped Kahn into a sitting position. "Are you okay!"  
"P-pull it out..Agh..." moaned Kahn, blood oozing from his wound.  
"Oh my god, oh my god..." stammered Iraga, gripping the razored caulidart and pulling on it.  
"AAAAAIGH!" yelled Kahn in pain. Iraga let go of the caulidart immediately, still embedded in his side.  
"We need to get you to a hospital!" said Iraga, terrified.  
"Yes, yes indeed. Y- (cough) yes. Yup Y...yes." moaned Kahn, coughing up blood.

"Ha ha! We sure mortally wounded THAT loser!" chuckled Dave.  
"You said it!" laughed Hamushi, and they high fived. Hamushi got serious. "You know Dave, I think it's time we had a talk about...us."  
"Look Hamushi, there's nothing to talk about." said Dave. "We're through, and that's all there is to it."  
"Let's make love." said Hamushi.  
"Well, okay." said Dave. He shook his head and stepped back. "Wait, no! You can't tempt me with your rotten ways!"  
"Well then, can we have a picnic by that river?" asked Hamushi, pointing to the river. "Nice and peaceful. Romantic. Perfect for seduction."  
"Seduction, huh?" said Dave appraisingly, putting his hands on his hips and looking at the river. "Think anybody'll seduce us?"  
"I'll ward them off, sexylumpkins." said Hamushi, seducing Dave.  
"Okay, that's good." said Dave, and they sat by the river. "What do we have to eat for our picnic?"  
"The main dish is...ME!" said Hamushi, stripping off all her clothes. Dave stared at her.  
"Your seduction techniques are amateurish and stupid...Yet I can't refuse." said Dave, enchanted.  
"Yes! Yes!" said Hamushi, hugging Dave. The collaspsed by the river and began making out. All seemed great until...  
"GLARGH!" yelled Ron, popping out of the rapids and gasping for air. He grabbed Dave's hair and pulled himself up onto shore.  
"Ow!" said Dave, clutching his wounded scalp in agony.  
"Thank god your ugly surfer haircut was here to save me!" said Ron.  
"Go away! We're trying to fornicate!" said Hamushi, irritably.  
"No!" refused Ron. "Let's hurry up and get to the Galactic Leyline!"  
"Go there yourself, we don't even know who you are." said Dave.  
"Oh come on, Hamushi knows me." said Ron. "The Anten Seven and the Macdougall brothers are good friends. We play canasta sometimes."  
"I've never seen you before in my life." said Hamushi.  
"That's because you can't see!" argued Ron, pointing to her helmet.  
"Trust me, you guys. Galactic Leyline. Now. You can be grosso all you want later, right now this is a matter of LIFE AND DEATH! WISH AND NO WISH! You see what I'm saying?"  
"God, fine. Fine." said Dave. "Anything that will help the plot along." Hamushi sighed and put her clothes back on. "You'd better not be wrong and doing something stupid."  
"Of course I'm right!" said Ron, walking down the path. "When have I ever done something stupid?"  
"Haha! Good point!" said Dave cheerfully. "By the way, you're going the wrong way."  
"Right you are!" said Ron, turning around and heading the other way.  
"And you put on my shirt instead of yours." said Hamushi, pointing to Ron's shirt.  
"Aha! Keen eye, Hamushi!" said Ron, taking her shirt off.  
"Plus your shoes are on backwards." said Dave, pointing to Ron's feet.  
"Shut up." muttered Ron, taking his shoes off and correctly replacing them.

"So..." said Hitoriga, walking behind Suzuka. "I don't recall ever getting an apology from you for cutting my head off and all that..."  
"Shut up." said Suzuka, doing her best to ignore him.  
"Hey, I'd apologize to you if I happened to cut YOUR head off!" said Hitoriga indignantly.  
"I'm not apologizing to you for anything." said Suzuka. "Quit following me."  
"Never!" said Hitoriga. "I'm determined to find why this relationship isn't working! Why won't you accept me?"  
"Could be that you detroyed my whole family... Or that you're a weirdo stalker..." said Suzuka, rolling her eyes.  
"I'm nothing of the sort!" said Hitoriga. "I'll give you the family killing though. Yeah, that was kind of... mean. But people do crazy things when they're in love, Suzuka! You've got to understand that!"  
"Is that why you did it! FOR LOVE!" yelled Suzuka emotionally, turning around. The orchestra swelled to an emotional high, the sky darkened, and the camera zoomed in on Suzuka's face to catch every hint of emotional intensity and drama. Every heartstring in the theater was tugged by Suzuka's tear-jerking performance. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Soon, everyone on the street was raving about Suzuka's brilliant performance, and she raised the bar for acting to levels that audience goers would come to expect for centuries to come.  
"Whoa." said Hitoriga, backing up.  
"Sorry." said Suzuka. They continued on their quest. They walked for miles and miles, before being confronted by a horrible monster.  
"Hi guys! What's up?" asked Susan.  
"Susan!" said Suzuka, horrified. "What're you doing here!"  
"What kind of question is that?" asked Susan. "I'll always be by your side! It's so, so good to see you." She hugged Suzuka tightly.  
"Good to see you too." sighed Suzuka, giving Susan a cautious hug back. "You can tag along if you want, but we're going to be moving pretty fast if we want to get to the Galactic Leyline thing first."  
"Actually Suzuka, this is where I'm stopping you." said Susan sadly.  
"What?" asked Suzuka.  
"You're not going a step further until you tell me something." said Susan firmly.  
"And you're going to stop me?" asked Suzuka, amused.  
"Yes, yes I am." said Susan.  
"Suzuka, who is this scary chick?" asked Hitoriga, whispering to Suzuka.  
"Old friend." said Suzuka simply, biting her lip.  
"Now Suzuka, tell me you love me." said Susan. "That you still love me, regardless of what your foolish decision said about your feelings." Susan gripped Suzuka's hand. "Tell me you still care about me more than anything else."  
"I won't." said Suzuka, drawing her sword. "Becuase it isn't true."  
"Hey, no need to get violent." said Susan calmly, still holding Suzuka's hand tenderly. "All you need to do is say it."  
"Suzuka, don't say it!" said Hitoriga.  
"Be quiet." said Susan, looking at Hitoriga. "Suzuka has no love for you."  
"Who do you love, Suzuka!" asked Hitoriga. "Me, or this lesbian childhood friend of yours!"  
"I...I..." said Suzuka, her grip becoming weak from Susan's contact and her sword falling to the ground. She collapsed to her knees. "I don't know..."  
"You love ME, Suzuka." speaking softly into Suzuka's ear.  
"Why? What makes you think she loves you so much!" said Hitoriga angrily.  
"Because I am her." said Susan. "And everyone loves themself."  
"What do you mean, you ARE me?" asked Suzuka, looking up into Susan's eyes.  
"Just what it sounds like." said Susan, their faces only inches apart. "Or rather, a part of you. You see, I am your homosexual side. The living incarnation of your thoughts and fears."  
"Wh-what do you mean?" asked Suzuka.  
"I was created from your imagination when you were only a child and given life as a real human being, still maintaining the shape of your fear." said Susan. "You'd just been through a trauma. Your emotions were getting out of hand. I was created to be your companion, and to provide balance to your emotions by holding them inside myself."  
"And that trauma..." said Hitoriga, disbelieving. He kneeled before Suzuka. "Was that when I killed your family?"  
"No. That was when Suzuka did." said Susan.  
"WHAT?" asked both Suzuka and Hitoriga.  
"You were neighbors. Hitoriga was easy to blame. You couldn't believe you'd done it, so you accused him. Soon, you both started believing it was true. The real truth of what happened was lost to everyone in existence. Except for me, because I never really existed." said Susan solemnly.  
"And why do you want me to say I love you! Why do you want me to kiss you and hold you in my arms!" asked Suzuka. "I've done it countless times before, why does now make any difference?"  
"Because, Suzuka. I have made the ultimate sacrifice in my attempt to make you admit what's deep down in your soul." said Susan.  
"Sacrifice? What sacrifice?" asked Suzuka. Susan sighed and pulled her hair to the side, revealing bare skin where ears should be. "No! Not your ears!"  
"Yes." said Susan. "I gave up everything. My left ear, my right ear...Everything important. Now love me like you did before, and you can put all of this behind you. Just admit that I, your lesbian side, exists. Once you do I will cease to exist, since that confused attraction will be housed inside your body once again."  
"You're not gonna actually do it, are you Suzuka?" asked Hitoriga, trembling.  
"Yes. I am." said Suzuka softly. "Susan, I love you. I know my past actions haven't been very indicative of it, but there's really nothing that means more to me than you." Suzuka put her hand on Susan's cheek.  
"I made the wrong decision that day. Incredibly wrong. I should have gone with you, but it never happened. I wish I could go back and change it all, but that can never be."  
"Oh, Suzuka. All is forgiven." said Susan, and they shared a passionate kiss. Immediately Susan exploded like a wet paper bag, showering gore and chunks of internal organs over Suzuka and Hitoriga.  
"Whoa! Mood killer!" said Hitoriga.  
"I thought she'd disappear with a little more... mystique and beauty." said Suzuka, pulling Susan's disembodied tongue out of her mouth. "Oh well, that's Susan for you."  
"So, are you a lesbian now or something?" asked Hitoriga. "Cause that whole thing didn't really make sense to me."  
"Yes, I am." said Suzuka with a smile, looking up at the sky. "I don't need to hide it anymore. I have achieved the utmost comfortability (if I may be so groovy as to invent words) with my sexuality. I'm proud of who I am now. And what I am is officially lesbian."  
"So now there's absolutely no hope of me getting with you?" asked Hitoriga.  
"Yup." said Suzuka proudly.  
"Dadgum it." said Hitoriga, snapping his fingers in defeat.

…………….

"Gasp! Wheeze!" said an exhausted Tobeigera.  
"Gasp gasp wheeze!" answered Hazanko, keeping with the rhythm.  
"A wheezy wheezy gasp gasp boop bop a sneeze." said Tobeigera, not  
missing a beat.  
"Gaspa wheezy be bop a shooba dee do! A wheezy wheezy clam ham  
soupity boo!" said Hazanko.  
"Damn, I've met my match." wheezed Tobeigera. "Are we almost to the  
Galactic thing?"  
"Nope!" said Hazanko. "Don't be silly!"  
"Why are we taking the route that goes through tons of hills and  
mountains?" asked Tobeigera, about to collapse from fatigue.  
"Don't ask stupid questions." said Hazanko gruffly.  
"Okay." said Tobeigera. He heard the sounds of combat just ahead of  
them. "What's that sound?"  
"Hey, hey! WHAT'D I JUST SAY!" asked Hazanko angrily.  
"Sorry." said Tobeigera as they crashed through some bushes and into  
the scene of the battle. It was chaos. Kick Pow Smack Poof and Ninja  
Monkey were battling, using the height of their ability. The Arby's  
Mitten lay on the ground, unconcious. Toby was also not moving, and  
had blood dripping from a wound in his side...  
"What the hoppin' hefferson haskatchewan is going on here!" yelped  
Hazanko, hopping up and down like an angry zeppelin.  
"Good question!" said Tobeigera.  
"Shut up!" said Hazanko, sneering at Tobeigera like he's never sneered before.  
"To answer your question, Hazanko, we're in the middle of a great and  
historic battle." said Kick Pow Smack Poof, casting a defeated Ninja  
Monkey aside. "Oops, actually, it just ended."  
"You rotten guy! To arms, ye knave!" said Hazanko, pulling out his  
spear and climbing onto a horse. "Justice is my sword and truth shall  
be my quiver!"  
"Aha, I see ye are of noble blood." said Kick Pow Smack Poof, also  
mounting a horse and readying his spear. "But I shall vanquish thee,  
to reclaim the honor of my brother whom thee hast murdered. Prepare  
yourself!"  
And so they jousted. Both their spears broke on impact and they drew  
their swords and continued the battle on foot. The fought for two long  
hours, until Kick Pow knocked Hazanko to the ground and straddled him,  
untying his helmet and preparing to behead him.  
"No! Do not slay me!" said Hazanko in fear. "For the sake of my fair  
lady, spare me, for you are a most noble knight indeed. You will have  
me, and my entire army of knights at your control."  
"Very well." said Kick Pow, standing up and resheathing his sword.  
"Thee and thy men swear allegiance to the great King Arthur from this  
day onward."  
"It will be done, noble knight." said Hazanko. "This is stupid. You  
win. I'm gonna go sit over here." He walked over and sat on the ground  
next to Ninja Monkey's gangrenous body.  
"Har har!" said Kick Pow, done with being a noble knight or whatever  
the hell that massive chunk of the story I just wrote was about. "Now  
there is no one to stop me!"  
"Oh yes there is!" said Tobeigera, standing proudly in front of Kick  
Pow. Everyone stared at him, then burst out laughing.  
"What the heck do you think you can do to me, you little  
clowny-headed-prince-of-the -uglies?" asked Kick Pow. "Cut me with your  
pansy little blades? Or are you gonna BAD PUN me to death!"  
"No, none of that." said Tobeigera smugly and confidently. "But I'll  
tell you what I WILL do..."  
"And what's that?" asked Kick Pow, with a smirk.  
Tobeigera whipped out a massive inflatable sumo suit. "I'm gonna  
fight fire...with FIRE!"  
"No! You can't make it!" said Hazanko. "You can't even inflate the  
inflatalbe rafts out on the Geomancer! What makes you think you can-"  
"I have confidence in myself, Hazanko!" said Tobeigera. "I CAN DO IT!  
All my previous inflating experiences have been building up to this  
climatic moment! And it will all! Pay! OFF!" He immediately started  
blowing into the suit.  
"N-no!" said Kick Pow. "It can't be...After all the work I've done,  
this can't be all it takes to defeat me!"  
"Wheeze! Wheeze!" breathed Tobeigera into the suit, which was slowly  
growing larger. Halfway there, starting to get lightheaded...3/4ths  
there, turning blue in the face... Almost done, losing  
conciousness...Until, just barely...  
"You did it!" yelled Hazanko, jumping up and down like a whirling dervish.  
Stunned, Tobeigera capped the mouthpiece of the suit, and wiped some  
tears of happiness from his eyes. "I...I did it!" He put the suit on,  
and flexed his inflated muscles. "Now, let's show this punk who's  
boss!"  
"Now now, let's talk this over!" stammered Kick Pow Smack Poof.  
"No way, Jose!" said Tobeigera, punching him in the noggin and  
exploding his head, sending meaty chunks of gore everywhere. "Hooray!"  
Kick Pow's hulking body slumped to the ground, dead as a doornail  
that has ceased to live.  
"You did a good job, Tobeigera old pal." said Hazanko, patting  
Tobeigera on the back.  
"Thank you, sir." sniffled Tobeigera, as happy as can be.  
"H-he's finally dead?" asked Toby, standing up and clutching his  
side. "Th-that's good. He was a real b-bastard, wasn't..."  
"Don't talk anymore." said Hazanko, rushing to support Toby. "Let's  
just get you to someplace with nurses."  
"Hey, what about Ninja Monkey and the Arby's Mitten?" asked  
Tobeigera, turning around to where they once sat.  
Their conciousness was regained, and Ninja Monkey was climbing onto  
the Arby's Mitten's back. "Our work here is done." said Ninja Monkey.  
"You all go on to the Galactic Leything by yourselves."  
"Huh? B-but, where will you all go?" asked Tobeigera.  
"Wherever the galaxy needs us." said the Arby's Mitten simply.  
"Goodbye, everyone."  
"Goodbye!" called everyone, as the flew off into the distance.

...

"Hang on." said Iraga, supporting Kahn as they walked. "I think we're  
almost to the Leything."  
"Wait, what's that noise?" asked Kahn, as they heard a strange  
rumbling noise int he distance and getting louder.  
"It sounds like a... a..." stammered Iraga.  
"Like a what? A WHAT!" yelped Kahn, gettinge nervous.  
"A STAMPEEEEDE!" yelled Iraga, diving to the ground as a sheep  
stampede crashed by them. Suddenly the sheep doubled back and formed a  
circle around them.  
"Oh my god! We're cornered!" yelled Kahn. The sheep slowly began  
closing in on them. "Do something, Iraga!"  
"Like what?" asked Iraga.  
"Turn into a dog or something!" said Kahn. "They're getting closer!"  
"I can't! Then my, my expensive plastic surgery would no longer be  
intact!" said Iraga. "I'd be grosso Iraga again!"  
"Iraga, you have to make a choice!" said Kahn. "What's more important  
to you? Your looks, our saving the life of your one true love?"  
"You're not my true love! Just because I did that ONE little 'favor'  
for you in middle school so you'd raise my grade in Art a little  
bit..." said Iraga.  
"Shut up and advance the plot, you maniac!" yelled Kahn, as the sheep  
were now close enough to reach out and touch.  
"I...I can't..." said Iraga. "I'm beautiful now! My whole life I've  
been ugly and disgusting, and I can't go back to that now!"  
"Iragaaaaaaaa!" yelled Kahn as the sheep began devouring him.  
"Nooooo!" yelled Iraga, transforming into her doggy form and eating  
all the sheep.  
"Noooooooooo! Why couldn't they LIIIIIVE!" sobbed Louise dramatically.  
"Who are you?" asked Kahn, pointing to Louise amidst the sheepy carnage.  
"Um, I shouldn't be here." said Louise, bouncing on a trampoline and  
launching up into the stars and far far away.  
"Wow." said Iraga, now back in her human form, one again looking  
disgusting. "I guess I made the right decision, right when it counted.  
But still...I wish I-"  
"Don't say another word." said Kahn. "I love you for who you are,  
Iraga my sweet. To me, the original Iraga is the only true one, and  
the only one I love."  
"Awwwwwwwww." said every girl in the audience. I cover my ears.

...

"We're he-ere! We're he-ere! We're great, we're fine, we're keen!" sang Ron.  
"Sure thing." said Dave. "Can we be raunchy now?"  
"Fine, fine." said Ron."If you must."  
"Yay!" said Dave and Hamushi, getting raunchy.  
"Well then Galactic Leyline, it would appear that I have arrived  
first!" said Ron with a chuckle. "How about that wish?"  
"WELL, OKAY THE-" started the Galactic Leyline. "WAIT A SECOND,  
YOU'RE THAT GUY! I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING, ASSHOLE!"  
"Huh? What the hell?" asked Ron. "What are you talking about?"  
"Schwing!" said Dave, staring at the giant Galactic Leyline head in  
awe. There was a long pause.  
"Do you mind! We're in the middle of a conversation!" said Ron.  
"Plus, she's a giant floating face, you sick maniac!"  
"Sorry." said Dave, ashamed.  
"Anyways, explain yourself." said Ron, pointing at the Galactic Leyline.  
"YOU TORTURED AND TORMENTED MY PHYSICAL FORM FOR OVER A YEAR. IT WAS  
NONSTOP PAIN AND SUFFERING." said the Galactic Leyline. "NOW I'M NOT  
GIVING YOU ANYTHING AT ALL, SO HAHA TO YOU."  
"What? I did nothing of the sort!" said Ron. "What did your physical  
form look like."  
"THIN, PRETTY, HAD A JOB AS A BABYSITTER, YOU KNOW HER." said the  
Galactic Leyline.  
"No. Way." said Ron.  
"YES WAY." said the Galactic Leyline.  
"That was my little brother's fault! I swear! I had nothing to do  
with it!" said Ron.  
"FORGET YOU, JERK. IF I HAD ARMS I'D PUNCH YOU AND STRANGLE YOU."  
said the Galactic Leyline.  
"Waaaah! Don't hate me for my brother's crimes!" said Ron, being a baby.  
"SAVE IT. NOW GET OUTTA HERE!" said the Galactic Leyline.  
"Hi guys, are we too late?" cheered Aisha, cartwheeling up the steep  
and rocky hill to the Galactic Leyline.  
"Wait up! Wait!" called Hanmyo, running after her.  
"AH, HERE COME THE TRUE WINNERS!" said the Galactic Leyline. "AND  
WHAT DO YOU WISH FOR, LADIES?"  
"Bring our sexy pal Jim back to life!" said Aisha, placing the little  
ball on the ground in front of the Leybabe.  
"OKAY." said the Leyline, focusing all her power on the ball. With a  
loud pop, Jim became himself once again.  
"Whoa, where am I?" asked Jim.  
"JIMMMYYYYY!" squealed Aisha, tackling Jim to the ground and kissing him.  
"Ugh! Blargh!" yelled Jim.  
"Oh my god!" said Hanmyo, shocked. "It's...it's you!"  
"Huh?" asked Jim, shoving Aisha off and looking at Hanmyo. "I thought  
I'd lost you forever!" They hugged and were happy.  
"Wait...Jim, who's this?" asked Aisha.  
"This is my long lost sweetheart!" said Jim happily, a big smile on  
his face. "I can't believe it! Wow!"  
"Let's get married!" said Hanmyo.  
"Okay!" said Jim.  
"But Jim, what about me!" asked Aisha.  
"Look, Aisha..." sighed Jim. "I love you, but...Bot in a raunchy and  
sexual way. You understand, don't you?"  
"Please, Jim." said Aisha, eyes welling up with tears. "I desire,  
nay, I LUST for your little boy meat."  
"Whoa! WHOA THERE!" said Ron, holding up a strange device. "The  
raunchymeter has OFFICIALLY OVERHEATED!"  
"Jimmy, love me the way only a child can." said Aisha, reaching a  
hand down Jim's pants as the Raunchymeter exploded in Ron's hands,  
lighting his forearms on fire.  
"Whoa, did we arrive at a bad time?" asked Gene, escorting Hilda off the boat.  
"Gene, Aisha's trying to molest me!" yelled Jim.  
"Um, no I'm not! I was looking for my car keys!" said Aisha, thinking quickly.  
"There, crisis solved." said Gene happily. "Now Aisha, if you don't  
mind, could you use your preacher power to marry Hilda and I?"  
"I've got nothing against marrying Hilda but there's no way I'm  
marrying you." said Aisha, crossing her arms.  
"Ho ho ho ho ho!" laughed Gene, Frenchman style. "You misunderstand!  
I want to marry Hilda and I want YOU to perform the ceremony!"  
"You could have just asked me to marry the two of you, I would have  
known what you meant." said Aisha, rolling her eyes. "But anyways.  
Gene, do you take this one-eyed, monstrous barbarian to be your  
lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, until death do ye part?"  
"I do." said Gene warmly, staring into Hilda's eyes.  
"And Hilda, how about Gene? Nice guy huh? Strange weather we're  
having, isn't it?" asked Aisha.  
"I do." said Hilda happily.  
"Then, I now pronounce you husband and wife." said Aisha. "You may  
put your tongues into each other's mouths." They did so.  
"We're here! We're here!" panted Suzuka. "Are we too late?"  
"Of course we're too late!" said Hitoriga. "Damn that monster! Damn her!"  
"You're not too late for the wedding reception!" smiled Gene broadly.  
"I love weddings!" said Suzuka. "But let's celebrate later. I'm  
afraid I've got something important I must confess to everyone-"  
"What's new pussycat!" yelled Hazanko, marching up to the Leyline.  
"WHOOA WHOOA WHOOA WHOA WHOA!" sang Tobeigera, jogging along in his  
massive sumo suit.  
"Wow, everybody's back together!" sniffled Hamushi. "We're all one  
big happy family again."  
"Dang right!" said Iraga, and they high fived.  
"What the hell? You're no longer pretty!" yelled Hitoriga. "WHAT CRAP  
IS THIS!"  
"I realized, that the best person to be in the universe is yourself."  
said Iraga cheesily.  
"How lovely." said Kahn.  
"Well, I guess we can all go home now!" said Toby, his wound all  
healed. "That sure was fun!"  
"Um yes, well, as I was saying-" started Suzuka.  
"No home for you!" yelled Satan, appearing out of thin air. He  
grabbed Hitoriga and Toby by their collars. "You two are coming with  
me!"  
"Nooooo!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"Nooooooooo!" yelled Toby.  
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled Hitoriga.  
"Alright, fine." said Satan. "Stay here, I don't really mind. I'll  
let you off the hook this once."  
"Yay!" said Hitoriga.  
"You're the coolest, Satan!" said Jim happily.  
"You bet!" said Hanmyo.  
"Haha, I sure am!" said Satan cheerfully. "Remember kids, sacrifice  
someone and listen to death metal every day!"  
"We won't forget it!" said everyone in unison as Satan disappeared.  
"ANYWAYS, if there are no further interruptions..." said Suzuka.  
"Hi guys, I have an announcement." said Harry, walking up to them  
all, holding Fred's hand. "Being teamed up with Fred in this race has  
given him time to convince me that I am, well, gay."  
"SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME TALK!" yelled Suzuka, slicing Harry in half.  
"NO! NOOOOOOO!" yelled Ron, collapsing to his knees and holding  
Harry's pieces in his arms. "Maybe, we could bring him back to life as  
a robot...or...or maybe, um..."  
"No Ron, I think we've done all we can do." said Hilda, placing a  
hand on his shoulder.  
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" cried Ron.  
"I'M A LESBIAN! JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T ANYONE TALK AROUND HERE!" yelled  
Suzuka. Everyone stared at her.  
"This...This is huge." said Gene. "It's not like I didn't know it all  
along, but...holy cow. Jim?"  
"I'll get as much of her antics on tape as I can, Gene." said Jim solemnly.  
"It must have taken a lot of courage to come out and say that." said Aisha.  
"It did indeed, Aisha. But what I'm about to say is going to take  
even more courage." said Suzuka, dropping to one knee and pulling a  
ring out of her pocket. "Aisha ClanClan, will you marry me?"  
"Whoa! Holy moley!" remarked Hazanko.  
"This is incredible!" remarked Kahn.  
"HARRY! OH GOD, HARRY! COME BACK TO ME!" remarked Fred.  
"I wonder what she'll say?" remarked Iraga.  
"Oh Suzuka, of course!" said Aisha, and they kissed. WOOOOOOWWWW!  
HOLY COW! Don't worry Sarge5, they used lots of tongue.  
"So, are you guys going to broadcast your honeymoon lovemaking on  
national TV too?" asked Hazanko pervertedly.  
"What?" asked Aisha, confused.  
"You know, when you two did the nasty when you were controlled by  
that psychic cactus?" asked Hazanko.  
"Oh yeah! I see what you're talking about!" said Aisha. "But that  
cactus wasn't controlling me! That Suzuka seduction was allll me!"  
"Hey!" yelled Suzuka.

MUCH LATER

"You guys have been sitting here THE WHOLE TIME!" yelled Hazanko.  
"Yep." said Jukei, kicking back in a reclining chair.  
"Nothing but us and the library of porn we have nestled in the  
basement." sighed Leilong contentedly, taking a swig of Dr. Pepper.  
"Did you make yourselves useful...In any way at all?" asked Hazanko calmly.  
"Not really." said Jukei. "Unless you call exploding stuff in the  
microwave 'useful'."  
"Oh yeah, we did get a call though." said Leilong. "From the Heiphon  
library. Something about a massive overdue book fine."  
"Oh yeah, our plan!" said Tobeigera, remembering. "Let's go bring  
them books back! Soon that library will be fit as a fiddle once again,  
with the fines the collect from us!"  
"Splendid!" said Hazanko. "How much is the bill?"  
"4.6 billion dollars." said Leilong.  
"Oh yeah, that'll fix up their place for sure!" said Hazanko happily.  
"Let's get going!"

...

"God, I guess it's just me." sighed Ron, boarding the Lovin'  
Spoonful. "Harry's dead. Hilda's gone off with Gene and his gang. I've  
got nothing left."  
"Hey there, I'm your new ship's computer!" came a voice from the  
ship's dashboard.  
"Harry! Wow, Harry, is it really you!" asked Ron, unbelieving.  
"Harry? Who's Harry?" wondered Susan, from the computer screen.  
"Where's that sexy Hilda you always hang around with?"  
"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Ron, collapsing to the gorund and  
clutching his head.

...

"Hey, what's this?" wondered Reno, picking an ear up off the ground.  
"Looks like an ear!" said Keith. "You're so lucky, man! Try it on!"  
"Haha, alright!" said Reno, attatching it to the side of his head.  
"How do I look?"  
"Hm, something missing." said Kevin. "The other one has to be around  
here somewhere."  
"Ah, here it is!" said Reno, picking another ear up off the ground  
and putting it on the other side of his head.  
"Much better. You look great, man." said Keith.  
"With this many ears, I could be the greatest musician in the world!"  
said Reno.  
"Hey, I found a nose!" said Keith, attatching a nose to his face. "I  
could be the world's greatest florist!"  
"Hey, here's a tongue!" said Kevin, putting it in his mouth. "I could  
make a fine and dandy lumberjack!"  
"To the rest of our lives!" cheered Reno.  
"Alright!" yelled the batch of mutants in unison.

...

"We are gathered here today, to mourn the loss of Harry MacDougall."  
said Ron sadly to a crowd of people. "He was a kind man. A gentle man.  
A man who was tragically killed-Hey, quit doing the wave! You guys are  
assholes!"  
"Sorry." said the crowd, taking their seats.  
"Well, that was a lovely funeral..." said Aisha, shoving Harry's  
coffin off the stage. "But now it's time for the wedding!" The crowd  
cheered. Reno began playing the wedding the march on his double-necked  
electric guitar, which was kind of cool except he kept losing control  
and going into badass solos.  
Suzuka walked up onto the stage. "Twilight Suzuka, do you take me to  
be your lawfully wedded wife?"  
"I do." said Suzuka.  
"Me, do I take Twilight Suzuka to be my lawfully wedded wife? I do. I  
may kiss the bride." And so they did.

...

"They all forgot to rescue me." muttered Melfina, chained to a pillar  
out in the Galactic Leyline.  
"I'M SURE THEY DIDN'T REALLY FORGET YOU, YOU'RE A VERY LOVEABLE  
PERSON." commented the Galactic Leyline.  
"You really think so?" asked Melfina, happily.  
"NO. WELL, SURE, YEAH. I GUESS?" wondered the Galactic Leyline. Melfina cried.

�������THE END�������

------------

Just so everyone knows, I don't actually have a lesbian fetish at  
all, I never have, and I have no clue why this story evolved the way  
it did. It just...happened. Bizzare. Maybe it's a subconcious thing.  
So anyways, that's it! And before I go, I'd like to give a special  
shout-out to the people who made this story possible! HOWDY! Okay,  
there we go.  
By the way, it would be great if everyone who read this last chapter  
could write a review, not just of this one but one overall review, of  
the whole series. I want to see your complete, total impression of the  
thing as a whole, if it's at all possible. Thank you very much, the  
info of what you liked and didn't like will definitely be used in my  
future stuff.  
Thanks everybody, and check out my all new fanfic, the first chapter  
of which will be posted in the Anime Crossover section ASAP! Go check  
that shizz! And remember: Wherever you go, whatever you do...KEEP ON  
PARTYIN'.  
Jet: (from far off) YOU BASTAAAAAAAARD!  
Wow, he must have really strong lungs? How did I hear that if he's  
off in Sea World? Oh, and now, the vietnam-war-movie-style closing  
sequence:

GENE bought a nice house with Hilda, where they lived happily for the  
rest of their days. He got a job as one of those guys who greets you  
when you enter Wal-Mart.

JIM continued his education and went to college, becoming a  
professional computer genius. In his later years, he developed a nasty  
case of the cold, which he still has to this day.

SUZUKA lived happily with Aisha for many, many years. They had 19  
children together, not letting the fact that they were both women keep  
them from having kids. How rebellious!

AISHA was hit by the Bon Jovi tour bus, but she's okay now. She got a  
ton of cash for suing them though, and she and Suzuka lived in wealth  
and prosperity for the rest of their days.

MELFINA...Who cares?

FRED got a job on Blue Heaven as a pole dancer after his porn star  
success faded, still managing to rake in tons of cash.

GILLIAM got a job on Blue Heaven as the pole.

HARRY is dead. They say that every year on Halloween, the ghost of  
Harry comes out of the grave and throws a parade. It happened a couple  
times on Arbor Day too.

RON talked in rhyme for 20 years before someone told him he was being annoying.

HILDA loves making faces at people while they sleep. It is currently  
her favorite pastime.

HAZANKO got his own exercise program: "Gettin' Fit Wit' Hazanko". It  
was on TV for 6 seasons and won an emmy for 'Best Exercise Program On  
ABC At 4 AM.'

JUKEI became the first man to juggle 17 chainsaws while riding a pony,  
using his feet. No one cared.

LEILONG once had an erection for 12 days. He wrote a book about the  
experience, titled 'Me And My Boner', which was on the New York Times'  
bestseller list for 3 straight years.

HITORIGA was told by a telephone psychic that he was Bob Saget in a  
past life, and he comitted suicide.

HAMUSHI was soon married to Dave The Sunglasses Guy, overcoming their  
past differences and finding love in each other once again. They  
enjoyed 7 happy years of marriage.

DAVE THE SUNGLASSES GUY wasn't too happy about that, because only 7 of  
their 40 married years were happy ones. He also signed a contract with  
me for two cameo appearances in future stories! Congratulations!

HANMYO was happily married to Jim all her life, even after some mafia  
hitmen cut off her hands due to some large gambling debts she racked  
up around age 30.

IRAGA is playing Freddy Krueger in an upcoming remake of Nightmare On  
Elm Street. The director has stated, quote: "She was the prime choice,  
because this way we don't have to buy any makeup."

TOBEIGERA won the lottery, only to lose it all by feeding it to the  
jungle goats on his father's ranch.

KAHN was banished from the High IQ society forever after word spread  
about his sexual history with the middle schoolers he taught art to.  
He spent the rest of his life in solitude, memorizing the scripts for  
every episode of Thirtysomething ever made.

THE GALACTIC LEYLINE, being the most intelligent thing in existence,  
has great respect for Wheat Thins. She feels everyone should eat them,  
because they are so damn tasty, and quasi-healthy! She's right.  
Everybody, eat Wheat Thins today.

NINJA MONKEY YAH HOO HAH got a job as Bruce Vilanch's stunt double,  
until people discovered he looked nothing like Bruce Vilanch, and also  
that Bruce Vilanch doesn't do any stunts.

KICK POW SMACK POOF is dead as far as I know. Or will he return! DUN DUN DUN!

THE ARBY'S MITTEN continues to make crappy commercials that everyone  
hates to this day. He hung up his superhero cape a long time ago  
though, choosing to live a life of peace and serenity after the defeat  
of KPSP.

SATAN continued to bring joy and warmth to the hearts of America's  
children. Such a nice man.

TOBY went to this party once, and was really mad because no one was  
serving crab cakes. You should have seen him, he was really REALLY  
pissed.

RENO fought in the war of 1812. Okay, actually, he remarried to a  
human girl named Charlene. He loves how she's intelligent, funny,  
dependable, hard-working, and has a great personality. She likes his  
muscles.

KEITH is now a world famous chef. He and Emeril had a duel on top of  
the Empire State Building for the title of 'Greatest Chef Ever', which  
lasted 37 years and ended in a tie, much like World Cup Soccer.

KEVIN...Um...I think Kevin had a sandwich last night that he really  
enjoyed. He plans on having another very soon.

DOCTOR DEFRET thought he saw Johnny Depp at an airport once, but it wasn't him.

BARLEY AND JAKE stopped being cops. Jake got promoted for his hard  
work and became a member of the secret service. Barley became  
president of the Heiphon system, being the only man dumb enough to  
want the job.

SUSAN finished high school like a good kid and eventually married me.  
At least, I predict that's what's ahead. Did I ever tell you that  
Susan is based off a real live friend of mine? Really? I didn't? There  
is no difference between the fake Susan and the real-life Susan,  
seriously. We're totally a couple now. How's that for gossip? Did I  
ever ALSO tell you that Dave is based off one of my friends as well?  
How 'bout that? The sunglasses-selling life doesn't treat the poor guy  
well, I'm afraid. He's cool though.

BABYKILLERTRON is a linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens.

JHEMAN sat himself back down and started brainstorming ideas for his  
next project. What's next for me? Who knows? Actually, I know, but  
you'll have to find out for yourself. Just go check, the first  
chapter's gonna be up real soon.

JET...What about Jet? Has anyone seen him? Where's Jet gone? Please  
tell me if you find him, because I miss the big lug.


End file.
